Friday, December 31, 2010

Q: Why has one eye gotten smaller than the other?

A: Your eye isn't getting smaller. It's swelling shut. Because you keep getting hit in the face.

That's also why you keep spitting out teeth.

And why you can't breath out of your nose anymore.

There's a reason amateurs are forbidden from competing in the Kumite. 

I guess your brother's death will go unavenged. 

No, don't try that. 

That's not the Dim Mak. 

That's the Shocker. 

That won't help you at all. 

Q: How do you think your friends see you as a person?

A: I think they see me as wise, brave, responsible, disciplined, and most of all, trust worthy.

My friends are a slow witted bunch, and easily manipulated.

That's why I associate with them.

Q: Why does Lennie blame animals for their own death?

A: There are two theories.

The first theory is that he is projecting his guilt onto the deceased animals. He blames them for coming into contact with a being as harmful as himself and thinks they must accept culpability in their own demise.

The second theory is that he is really stupid.

Q: Why is follow through used with rackets?

A: That's how we make money.

Look, I'll explain it once more time, for the last time.

We offer protection to local businessmen and merchants and shop owners and landlords. They pay us a tidy sum every week to keep their businesses safe. To stop them from being robbed, or shot up, or burned to the ground. If they don't pay us the protection, we rob them, or shoot them up or burn their places to the the ground. You see how this works? Do you understand?

You're shaking your head. Okay. I'll make this real simple. We are the criminals. We will rob these people and steal from them and hurt them unless they pay us not to do so. They give us money, cash money. I'd say that's a pretty good racket.

But for it to work, we have to follow through. We have to visit these merchants every week and collect the protection money. We can't just threaten them once and then sit at home and expect the money to pour in. We can't just set up a Paypal account and hand out our email and expect people to send us money. We have to go out there, every week, every day, and remind these people what will happen if they don't pay us.

Yes, that involves leaving the house. Today. Right now.

I don't think agoraphobia is a real thing. I think you are just lazy.

Q: Is it safe to sleep with a computer?

A: As long as you don't confuse sex with love.

Computers can not love.

That's why, no matter how many times I write it in notebooks, I will never be Mr. Ryan Braniac.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Q: What are all the gun laws and restrictions in Australia?

A: There are two laws:

1.) If you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.

2.) There are two kinds of people in the world: Those with the gun. And those who dig.

I'm sorry, those are the gun laws from The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

I never saw Australia.

Q: What is the best clothes for winter?

A: A bear suit.

Made from the actual skin and fur of a bear.

A bear that you have killed yourself, preferably by hand.

Or at least hit with your car.

Any bear will do. Any real bear.

Yogi Bear is not a real bear.

You did not kill him and skin him and fashion his flesh into a suit.

You bought that costume at Target.

The tag is still on it.

I'm starting to wonder if you are truly ready to spend a year alone in the Alaskan wilderness.

Q: Do girls like guys who can play guitar in a band?

A: They sure do.

As long as they play real songs on their guitar.

And they are in a band made up of human beings.

Your "Cat Band for Deaf People" is very clever.

But I fear the girls you seek might see right through it.

Unless you are trying to woo these pillows you keep getting from Japan.

In which case, you probably don't need to try so hard.

Q: Why is baseball equipment too expensive?

A: Players. Players.

We call them players now, Grandpa.

Yes, even the black ones.

And the brown ones.

Them, too.

People don't use the term "Nips" much anymore. It's considered a little offensive.

So is that word.

So is that gesture.

And that one.

This isn't about the generation gap anymore. Now you're just being an asshole.

It's times like this that I really regret giving you my kidney.

Q: How far back can a mother get child support in Illinois?

A: As far back as you can prove delinquency of payment.

But, and here's kind of a touchy subject, so I'll just come right out and say it.

You can't collect back support for any of the children you drowned.

I don't make the laws, ma'am.

I just enforce them.

I can't say why I choose this profession. Maybe I wanted to give back. Maybe I love chasing down deadbeat dads. Maybe I love the constant access to poor, needy, vulnerable women.

You seem sad, by the way.

How are you feeling?

Why don't we go grab a drink and talk about it?

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Q: How do you get rid of small cuts and scratches on skin fast?

A: There's no easy way to get rid of them.

The scars will last forever. Even if I can't see them, I will still know they are there.

I'm going to have to start from scratch, and make a whole new suit of flesh.

Damn!

I was so close to being a real lady.

I guess I'm going to need a lot more big, old, fat women.

And a whole bunch of lotion.

Q: What steps would you need to take to get a job in Retail?

A:  There's no one right way to get a job in retail, but here are some helpful do's and do-not's to help guide you in your job search.

DO fill out your application as legibly as possible. Use black pen, or even better, type your answers.

DO NOT fill out your application in blood. No one is impressed by how legible you can write in blood.

DO try to meet the manager when you drop off your application. Shake his hand and introduce yourself while making good eye contact.

DO NOT threaten the manager. Or the assistant manager. Or the customers. Or mall security. Yes, they are not real cops, but you don't have to constantly remind them.

DO show up for your interview on time, well groomed and dressed professionally.

DO NOT show up for your interview on time, dressed as a professional wrestler, no matter how long it took you to make your Ultimate Warrior costume.

DO call upon your personal work experience to answer hypothetical questions during the interview.

DO NOT start every answer with the phrase "That reminds me of an episode of Bang Bus ..."

DO follow up the interview with a thank you note or email.

DO NOT follow up the interview with a ransom note.

DO keep trying if you fail to secure the first job you seek.

DO NOT get discouraged and begin a life of crime. There are better jobs out there than retail, such as every other job in the world.

Q: What is the best and worst pony to buy?

A: Lightning Bug here is the best pony in my entire stable. He's strong and tough and brave.

He'll ride all through the night and lead you to water the next day.

Damndest thing I ever saw. He has a nose for it, I guess.

Yes, you can't go wrong buying Lightning Bug.

As far as the worst pony, I would have to say that would be Blue McGee.

He's been dead for a while now. Even the flies are sick of him.

Q: What is the density of eastern cedar?

A: Eastern cedar is pretty dense.

Not as dense as oak, or cherry, but it will do.

I wasn't planning on having to bury so many people today.

You kind of caught me by surprise.

I usually only bury the dead.

But this is your Kill Bill 2 Fantasy Camp, not mine.

If you want to suddenly bury all your clients in coffins made of Eastern cedar, that's up to you.

I hope you collected the money up front.

Q: How many centres of gravity a body has?

A: Just the one.

Oh. I see.

When I said one, I assumed your head was attached to your body.

But it is not attached.

It's on the ground.

Your head. On the ground. Next to your body.

I guess that gives you two centers of gravity.

How do you do that?

It seems you have stopped talking.

And fallen over.

If you don't mind, I'm going to use your head like a soccer ball.

I've always wanted to do that.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Q: What is a good link to see the commercial for potty training with an upside-down book?

A: I think I see your problem right there.

The first lesson of potty training is to let gravity do all the work.

Having your boy stand on his head while using the toilet creates more work than necessary.

I guess it might make everything cleaner, in theory.

In practice, however, your boy has a whole lot of poop on his head.

Q: Who grants one person all the power over people?

A: Only God can grant that power, as outlined in his book, The Bible.

He's pretty clear about who has that power, a guy named Jesus.

You'll notice that my son is also named Jesus.

Coincidence? Probably not.

You should listen to what my Jesus says.

Unlike that wimp in the bible, this Jesus does not fight by turning the other cheek and bleeding all over the place.

He fights with the power of Kung Fu.

So, when he says you should give me your house and have your daughters service me at my whim, you better do what he says.

Did I mention the Kung Fu?

Oh? I did? Well, then. You have been warned.

Jesus, attack!

Use the Kung Fu!

Look out!

Don't just bleed all over him.

Damn.

Damn.

Stop crying, Jesus. It wasn't that bad.

And you, I bet you feel like a big man, beating up an 8 year old.

Way to go, big shot.

Don't bow. This applause is sarcastic.

Q: Where must a tennis serve land to be considered in?

A: It must land in the field of play.

The grassy area, marked by the lines.

It must land inside those lines. Inside that box, specifically.

A serve that lands in the gaping maw of the Queen Mother can not be consider in.

I am being serious.

Lower your voice.

We are all impressed by your trick shot ability, and your timing. We all agree that she was snoring rather loudly and disrupting the game.

While you are due a kudos, sir, and a smattering of light applause, you do not deserve any points.

Now please gather the remnants of your shattered racket and resume play. It is your serve.

Q: How are nuclear energy used?

A: Nuclear energy can be used to power great cites, or large submarines.

But, nuclear energy is best used to teach the Japanese an important lesson about sneak attacks.

And to teach the lesson again, a few days later, just to make sure it really sinks in.

Q: What does a non custodial parent do when he has no job to pay child support?

A: Have you ever thought about robbing banks?

The money is just sitting there. Lots of it.

And I don't know if you've been in a bank recently, but most of the tellers are old, and feeble.

You could probably take the money right out of their hands. Their feeble, old hands.

I guess bank robber it is, then.

Or, getting a real job.

But let's be honest. You couldn't even keep custody of your child.

How could you possibly keep a job?

Monday, December 27, 2010

Q: How do you know if your chicken soup is safe to eat?

A: Have your least favorite child try it first.

If they survive, eat the soup.

Don't look at me like that. Everyone has a least favorite child.

It's simply implausible that you would love all four of your children equally.

Really? All of them? Even the fat one with the harelip?

Quiet down, Fatty. The adults are talking.

Q: What does it mean when jewelry has EMA stamped on it?

A: Your boyfriend stole it from the home of Esther Mae Albans.

We've been trying to crack this case for months.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Thanks for coming to the police. For some reason people are reluctant.

Reluctant to be a hero. 

We will need that jewelry back.

And we'll have to arrest your boyfriend.

You will still be a hero.

Unofficially, of course.

Q: What happens to a bill that is introduces in and passed by the house of representatives?

A: If it's a bill that favors Republican interests, such as very rich people, we pass it along to the Senate.

If it favors Democratic interests, such as old people, or poor people or children, or people who don't run insurance companies, we roll the bill up and smoke it, like a cigarette, right there on the House floor.

What are you going to do about it, America?

We're the Republicans, we can do anything! You'll never vote us out of office for more than two years.

If you did, who would pretend to protect you from terrorists?

Q: Who is the best female saint of kindness?

A: For my money, you can't beat Saint Kelly. She's over on 7th and A, above the dry cleaners.

For an extra twenty dollars, she'll throw in some special kindness, if you know what I mean.

I mean she'll tell you she loves you when she hugs you.

I just wanted to be clear.

In the past, some people have misinterpreted my words and expected Saint Kelly to do some pretty nasty things.

Absolutely filthy.

Those type of things cost a lot more than twenty dollars.

Q: What does it mean when you dream that your right hand has a hole and white worms are coming out of it?

A: Even your unconscious thinks that you masturbate too much.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Q: Why does a treadmill track fat calories?

A: Our alien overlords want to make sure you are sufficiently succulent before the big feast.

Q: Can you say red wine reduce cardiovascular disease?

A: There is some scientific evidence that a small amount of red wine will help reduce the chances of cardiovascular disease.

A small amount.

A glass a day.

Nowhere in the research does it suggest creating a red-wine IV will eliminate heart disease altogether.

You should accept the fact that your Grandmother is very ill.

If you insist on trying to save her with your unproven, fictional, "scientific" method, at least use actual red wine, and not a homemade mixture of Everclear and Fanta.

Q: Can you get sued for calling a woman ugly?

A: The lawsuit has more to do with the home invasion.

And the assault.

And the battery.

And the rape.

Your Facebook post after the acquittal has very little to do with anything.

Q: Why do people find it weird for a college professor to give a sticker to college students on their excellent work?

A: It's not giving the stickers that's the problem.

It's what the stickers say.

Some of the language has been deemed, well, inappropriate.

You can't go around giving out stickers that say  "Prettiest Mouth" or "Most Aromatic Hair".

It makes people doubt your commitment to fairness.

But, it wasn't those stickers that did you in.

It was the one that said  "Closest in Resemblance to my Dead Wife."

That one made people doubt your sanity.

Especially your wife.

Q: What are good places to have a birthday party for a kid turning ten?

A: Chuck-E-Cheese used to be a great place, but now it's all commercial.

Not to mention the fact that one out of every three children who visits gets abducted.

It's like they don't have any security cameras in there at all.

Or so I have been told.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Q: How do you make a Christmas greeting card?

A: I take a child's birthday card, often right out of a child's hand.

I cross out all the crap about birthdays and numbers and balloons and Garfield.

I draw a picture of Jesus on the front, with a huge smile on his face, and a giant candy cane in his hand.

On the inside I write: "Thousands of years ago, Jesus was brutally murdered by Romans because of his beliefs. Today you get presents. Congratulations!"

I hand the card back to the child.

It's at this point that I am usually asked to leave.

Q: What are the Kroger opening hours on Christmas Day?

A: They're open all day!

Huh, it's locked. That's odd.

Good thing they gave me this key.

On Christmas Day, Kroger hands out tire irons as keys. It's a tradition.

One good swing ... There we go.

That's candy glass, son. All part of the tradition.

That's not an alarm. It's a heavenly choir. They're singing a new song, one you are unfamiliar with.

Now, I have some buddies on the police force and I know they love to do all their shopping at the last minute. Let's get out of here before they get here.

They're usually grumpy, having to work on Christmas and all.

We'll just grab a few things that Mom forgot to buy for Christmas.

Like ham.

And eggnog

And whiskey.

And large bags of cash.

Q: Why is National Lampoon's 'Christmas Vacation' rated PG-13?

A: Children should never be exposed to the comedy stylings of Randy Quaid.

They mightt laugh and enjoy themselves now, but soon they will find  find themselves at the mercy Hollywood Star Whackers.

Q: What is Santa Claus called in Brazil and where do children in Brazil hang their socks?

A: The children of Brazil do not have a Santa Claus. Or socks.

All they have is poverty and death and violence and an incredibly colorful, kinetic lifestyle set to an rocking soundtrack.

I know. I watched City of God.

Q: How does Santa fit through the chimney?

A: Most of Santa's belly consists of water weight, caused by a lifetime of heavy drinking.

He can control the size and shape of his belly by simply releasing a little water from his system.

That's why so many icicles form on the roofs of house of all the good little boys and girls.

And that's why the icicles smell like scotch.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Q: What could you do to make your girlfriend trust you if she doesn't trust you anymore and you're really sorry for what you did and need her to believe you and trust you again read the answers?

A: If a poorly written question doesn't work, I suggest introducing total transparency into your relationship.

Give your girlfriend the passwords to your email, Facebook, and Twitter.

Give her total access to your phone records and bank statements.

Write a detailed journal of all the ways you have hurt her and all the times you have mistreated her.

Now that she is overwhelmed with information, you'll have plenty of time to set up a new email account, buy a prepaid cell-phone and resume cheating.

Q: What does it mean if you dream ghosts are holding you down in your dream and you cant shout or move?

A: You dress very slutty in your dreams.

Q:How long is a ham good if left unrefrigerated?

A: Ham stays good forever. It's not like an entire religion was based on the fact that pork will go bad and kill you.

Q: Can rock candy be recooked if it turned out soft?

A: You can recook that lump of goo as much as you want, but you're never going to have rock candy.

Rock candy is made from crystallized sugar.

Not from stuffing a bunch of rocks into a Snickers bar.

You get an A for effort.

Sadly, we don't give out grades for effort on The Iron Chef.

Q: Does a credit card read as declined regardless weather it be lack of funds or deactivated?

A: A credit card reads as declined for a number of reasons, from overdue payments, to insufficient funds, to suspicion  of theft. It happens every day.

I've never seen it happen for a pack of gum.

That must be so embarrassing.

And with your children right there.

Are they crying because your are such a failure?

Or just because they really wanted gum?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Q: What do you need for solar power for your pool?

A: A pool. A backyard. Access to the sun.

I know you're disappointed, Gus, but I tried to tell you that Mole-People shouldn't have pools.

They don't belong in our world.

Now can you please clean your uncle out of the filter? Mole-People are trying to eat.

Q: Why won't my Hyndai Azera keep it's battery charge for more than a day?

A: Yeah, sorry about that. I've been wanting to tell you.

My father has been using your car to jump-start his defibrillator.

It shouldn't happen too much anymore.

Not after Tuesday.

He's a very sick man.

Q: What does the color blue symbolise on new years day?

A: It means that, for the eighth straight year, you:

Drank too much.

Blacked out.

Passed out.

Slept it off in the bedroom of a little boy.

If it was a girl's room, you would be seeing pink.

You don't even have any kids.

You don't even know any kids.

How does this keep happening?

Q: How can you prevent your rims from being stolen?

A: I used to have the same problem, until I discovered this simple solution.

Every time I park my tricked-out ride, whether it's at the club, or the crib, or the McDonalds, I do the following:

I put it in park.

I engage the emergency brake.

I activate my car alarm.

Then I cover the whole car with cement.

Those rims aren't going anywhere.

Q: Why is your car steaming only in drive but not overheating?

A: You know how, in the movies, they have that shot of the car driving through the fog, and it looks all cool and everyone claps?

I can't afford a high priced team of special effects experts.

But I can afford a block of dry ice. And the space for it in my engine block.

I even have the scars to prove it.

Seriously, they should tell you that you need to wear gloves when you touch dry ice.

I don't believe that is common knowledge.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Q: How many words can you make out of Super Bowl?

A: I can make the following words:

Super.

Bowl.

I can also make the following phrase:

Superb Owl.

I didn't become a Scrabble Grand Champion simply because I had compromising photos of all the judges.

Although that did help.

Q: Can an employer use email to discipline an employee?

A: You will find no better way to discipline an employee than a well-timed, strongly worded email.

Provided the email contains a picture of you having sex with the employee's wife.

That will really show him.

How else is he going to learn?

Where are you going?

Does my naked flesh scare you?

Please come back.

I'm so very lonely.

Q: Do Bears have knee joints on their hind legs?

A: Yes, they do, and in those joints lie the key to your victory.

The bear is nature's wrestler, but he only knows the most rudimentary of holds, such as a bear hug, or a single leg takedown.

He has no knowledge of, and no defense for, the more technical holds, such as the figure-four leglock.

Take him down, apply the hold and soon he will either give up, or pass out due to pain.

Either way, you'll have to get back out  there and fight.

I've wagered a tremendous sum on the outcome of this match and I don't intend to fake my death yet again to avoid creditors.

Thrice is enough.

Q: When did Jack The Ripper rise to fame?

A: Jack the Ripper earned a modicum of notoriety during the Victorian era, but did not achieve true immorality until he battled David Hasselhoff in 1985's Bridge Across Time.

Q: How do you get milk from a goat?

A: The same way you get milk from a cow.

By squeezing the udders.

Of a female.

A female goat.

Milk does not come from the eyes. Those would be tears.

Please stop squeezing my son's head.

He's not having fun anymore.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Q: How do you buy the right luggage?

A: Think to yourself  "What would the most obnoxious person in the world use for their luggage?"

Buy the exact same thing, just not in camouflage.

Q: What kind of bugs lay round brown eggs?

A: The bug you are referring to is a chicken.

I know you are a long way from home, but if you want to fit in and escape detection, you're going to have to become a little more familiar with our Earth customs.

As I said before, chickens are not bugs. Stop calling them that.

Cars don't transform into giant, bloodthirsty, sword-wielding robots. Stop attacking them.

Human beings are free to walk the land and choose their own path in life. They are not used for fuel. Stop shoving them into your gas tank.

Q: How do you get a virus on social network sites?

A: I am just as baffled as you are.

One minute I'm on Myspace, trying to find friends so that our parties aren't so sad and depressing.

The next thing you know, I have gonorrhea.

Oh well, I guess we'll just have to accept that there are some mysteries we will never understand.

All right, I'm going to the doctor. Don't wait up.

His office is open until 3AM.

He uses a lot of body glitter. That's why there's so much on my pants after I see him.

He prefers I pay in cash, in singles. That's why I always bring so many with me.

He's an odd fellow, but he's one hell of a doctor.

Q: What can you do to help your birds when the keep pulling out their feathers?

A: Invite them over for Thanksgiving. They'll get the message.

Q: Is a father considered a relative?

A: Why must you go out of your way to hurt me?

I know I wasn't the best father. I was on the road a lot, on the grift, trying to make ends meet.

I may have missed your high school graduation, and your college graduation, and your wedding. I was very busy. Long cons take a lot of work.

Even though I wasn't always there for you, I am still your father.

I know because I had sex with your mother nine months before she had you.

I still have the tape to prove it.

That means we are related, by blood, for life.

Since you are a blood relative, my son in fact, I want to give you first crack at this exciting offer.

I have a friend, a very wealthy friend, a prince if you must know. He is in possession of a large sum of money. However, he finds himself incarcerated and unable to access his fortune.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Q: Is smoking good christian practice?

A: We're starting this fire to burn witches and heretics, not smoke them.

We are trying to kill them.

We are not trying to add flavor.

Q: How do you find the speed of an object?

A: You could use a complex mathematical formula based on the distance of our car to the road and the distance of two fixed points from each other.

Or you could point this shiny radar gun at the car and press that button.

You know when I promised you that your old job as deputy would be waiting for you once you got back from Iraq, no matter what?

I may have to reconsider.

My promise failed to account for so much brain shrapnel.

Do you understand what I'm saying, Jesse?

Jesse?

Yup, that squirrel sure is fast.

I'm not crying. I'm just sweating. From my eyes.

Q: Where is the singer heavy d now?

A: He's probably out on tour, living the life of a rap star and having sex with a different beautiful woman every night.

There's no way he's an assistant manager at Rite Aid.

As my name tag clearly states, my name is Dwight.

I weigh 238 pounds, which while overweight, does not make me "Heavy."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go clean up some vomit in aisle 4.

Q: What is a holding penalty in football?

A: It's a punishment for illegally impeding the progress of a defensive player.

It has nothing to do with the warm embraces I give out on the sideline.

There's no penalty for public displays of affection. Nor is there anything wrong with it.

Come here and I'll show you.

Your skin is so soft.

I'm never letting go.

Q: How do you keep someone from intercepting your text messages?

A: No one "intercepted" that picture of your genitals.

You sent it to everyone on the team.

Under the heading "Urgent! Package Delivery! "

You don't remember any of this?

I think it's about time you checked into rehab.

You should probably see a doctor first.

Your penis shouldn't be that shape. Or those colors.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Q: What does a little lock next to someone's Twitter mean?

A: It means their tweets are secure and they must approve you as a follower.

It does not mean that they are locked up in federal prison.

Please stop holding fund raisers.

Q: What do you write on work experience if the job you worked for is no longer in business?

A: If the company no longer exists, then there is no one to verify your claims.

You can be anything you want!

Call yourself president of the company and say it went out of business because Obama's Socialist policies make it nearly impossible for small businesses to operate.

That sounds like something I heard Sarah Palin say.

The management of Wal-Mart will love it, will love your resume and will love you.

They are sure to hire you.

The need a lot of greeters during the holiday season.

Q: What makes a thing taste sour?

A: What you taste is a very special batch of Lemonex I whipped up for this occasion.

It makes everything taste sour. Then it kills you.

It's a poison. That's why there's so much smoke coming out of this beaker.

Laugh now, but soon your face smiling face will contort into a painful, deathly grimace. Then, all of Gotham will come to fear the name of Sourpuss!

And I will finally have my revenge on Batman.

What do you mean this isn't Gotham?

My GPS clearly says this is Gotham.

Then who patrols these streets?

The police? Only the police? What fun is that?

Why are there so many red dots on my chest?

Q: How did Hitler treat children and women?

A: The same way he treated men; based solely on which section of The Bible they believed to be true.

Q: Does a guy like you if he sits next to you on the bus allot?

A: His actions mean one of two things.

1.) He really likes you, but has a shy personality and needs to work up the courage to ask you out.

2.) He's very subtly trying to hold you hostage.

There's only one way to be sure. Stand up, point at him and scream "bad touch!" over and over again.

If he likes you, this will help him get over his shyness.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Q: Is urinary tract infection treatable?

A: With enough prayer, patience and a positive mental attitude, any infection is treatable.

In fact, if you pray hard enough and pleasure your partner in the way God intended, you probably won't catch anything.

Now, shall we begin the sex act?

Q: What is the name of the short stanza at the end of a poem?

A: That's a beverage list.

You are not reading a poem. You are reading a menu from IHOP.

That's why it just seems like a bunch of random words.

Q: What are some of the best ways to prevent the common cold?

A: With your own personal quarantine outfit.

Sure, you'll be a bubble boy at first.

But soon, you'll stop being a bubble boy, and become a bubble man.

Actually, it won't be very soon.

It's really hard to have sex in those things.

And they are almost impossible to clean.

No, I cannot let you out. You already bought it.

Congratulations on never getting sick, by the way. I will totally tell your girlfriend about it when I take her out to dinner tonight.

I will remind her again later while I am having sex with her.

Q: What would happen if an animals blood got in your cut?

A: You would not become a gorilla.

Nor would you gain the strength, speed and agility of a gorilla.

Nor would you develop a fondness for bananas.

Trust me.

This wisdom comes from a lifetime of experience.

A sad, wasted, hairy lifetime.

Q: What is non abrasive scouring powder?

A: It's the white powder I use to search the streets for criminals.

I crush a tablet, grind it into powder and scatter it from the sky.

I assume anyone it hits to be a criminal.

Then I dole out justice, swiftly and without remorse.

I will grant you that my process is not the most scientific.

But my motto is: Better to beat one hundred innocent men to death than let one jay walk go unpunished.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Q: Why Mormons don't have windows in their temple?

A: Are you familiar with the saying "Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones?"

Mormons love nothing more than a good stoning.

Q: How can you help people to not commit suicide?

A: Remind them that life is worth living. That as bad as things are right now, they will turn around soon.

Remind them of all the wonderful things that life has to offer, like a beautiful sunset, or a Kobe steak, or seeing a pretty girl's breasts and then having sex with the very same pretty girl who might just happen to be their best friend.

Have I mentioned that I have always considered you my best friend? And that you are very pretty?

By the way, I have been really down lately. I don't know if I can go on anymore.

Life just seems so pointless. 

Q: How do you tell if a rat is in your attic?

A: The steady stream of people from the Witness Protection Program should be a dead giveaway.

Q: How does tickling work?

A: You touch a girl's hips or ribs or feet and she giggles and laughs and soon falls in love with you.

That's how it's supposed to work.

No one is supposed to die.

Q: Can an unlicensed driver be ticketed for driving without insurance and the car they are driving is insured?

A: I'm going to need you to step out of the car, sir.

And put down the bottle of vodka.

As well as the shotgun.

As well as the baby.

Why would you be under arrest? I just want to take you for a ride. In the back of my "magical car" while you wear some of my "fun bracelets."

You can even smell some of my special "silly spray." It's pepper-flavored.

It shouldn't sting that much. You must be using it wrong. Open you eyes a little wider.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Q: How long to you have to a inhabitant of the state before running for senate?

A: It depends on the state. And on the knowledge that Senators are not chosen based on a foot race.

Q: What is the difference between Tad Tree and Dates Tree?

A: Tad looks both ways before crossing the street. Dates runs out into traffic.

Tad helps his mother wash the dishes after a meal. Dates buries the dishes in the backyard, along with his collection of erotic novels and all the G.I. Joe figures he has defiled over the years.

Tad helps old ladies cross the street and carries their groceries. Dates pushes old ladies down flights of stairs while dancing a jig.

Tad died in a hunting accident six years ago. Dates stole his identity and has been married to you for six years.

I should have said something sooner. I planned to object at the wedding, but I just didn't want to cause a scene.

Q: What year was the freedom of speech passed?

A: The First Amendment only protects you from government censorship of your speech.

It does not allow you to say anything you want, whenever you want. 

My wife is trying to give birth, sir. This is not the time.

Yes, I understand Condom Depot is having a big sale. I can understand that you are being paid to promote a product and you think we would be interested. 

I will have you know that I have never, nor will I ever, use a condom.

I have perfected the withdrawal method.

One time doesn't prove anything.

Q: When an egg it becomes firm?

A: I have no idea what that "wise man" told you, sir, but an egg cannot be consider legal representation in a court of law.

It certainly cannot be a entire law firm.

It is just one egg.

It was just one egg.

I'm sorry. I was hungry.

I found myself one egg shy of the perfect three-egg omelet and your "consul" was sitting right there.

I didn't realize you had written your name on it.

I saw the name. I assumed it was the name of the egg.

I named the omelet after him. You should be proud.

Oh, by the way, your request for bail is denied.

Q: How would you explain the saying that the best way to have a friend is to be a friend?

A: If you want people to like you and help you out, be nice to them first.

Once you have earned their trust, then you can get to the more advanced aspects of manipulation.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Q: Should you drain an in ground pool for the winter?

A: I told you not to fill it up with gravy in the first place.

It didn't attract a single co-ed.

This is why no one wants to join our frat.

Q: Can a dog kill people?

A: Sometimes. An angry, rabid  pit bull or rottweiller may likely kill someone if provoked.

Your dog is unlikely to kill anyone.

Your dog is ceramic.

Ceramic dogs can't get rabies. Or be angered. Or move.

Please stop making those barking noises. You're a terrible ventriloquist.

Q: How much should you feed your cat?

A: Feed him until he stops eating. That means she is full.

Also, trying feed her with cat food, as opposed to human ears.

Q: What is the probability of rolling a 1 on 2 dice?

A: It shouldn't happen at all. And yet, it keeps happening time and time again.

I'm starting to think that you are using some sort of trick dice, or have mastered some form of rudimentary wizardry.

Trickery and magic have no place in the world of Dungeons and Dragons.

You're making a mockery of our club.

Q: What the temperature will be in Brooklyn NY tomorrow?

A: It will range from scorchingly hot to bitterly cold, depending on your proximity to my electrifying dance moves.

I just learned the robot.

And the lambada.

Allowing me to create the Robo-Lambada.

I can tell you are getting hot already.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Q: Is the word vibration in the Holy Bible?

A: No.

Neither are words "erotic asphyxiation.'

That's never stopped us before.

Q: Does a person have any rights when a relationship ends after thirteen years together?

A: Don't be so dramatic.

Don't you think this is just as hard on me?

We knew this wouldn't last forever.

You knew I would eventually be paroled.

Q: How many people need masks?

A: Only the five men who will go inside the bank: Jennings, Korvan, Manningham, Santos and Valentine.

Ulster won't need one. He'll be the getaway car. A mask would draw unwanted attention.

I won't need one either. I'll be at the police station, tipping off the cops and collecting a handsome reward.

I probably shouldn't have said that out loud.

Let that be a lesson to everyone on the dangers of sodium pentathol addiction.

Q: How do you decrypt a thumb drive?

A: That's not a drive. You are just sticking your thumb in my USB port.

You are not transferring files. You are transferring bacon grease.

Bacon grease is not encrypted.

I should have known something like this would happen.

Your resume consisted solely of the words "IT Guy" and a drawing of a starfish.

"IT Guy" was written in crayon. And spelled wrong.

But we needed someone. So I hired you.

I thought anyone could do this job.

Thank you for proving me wrong.

Your thumb is stuck in my computer, isn't it?

Don't take your pants off.

That won't solve anything.

Q: Where are most of the crops in the US grown?

A: Somewhere in Iowa, I think. Who knows?

The best crops,  however, are grown right here, in my basement.

I've got everything. Sour Diesel, Lamb's Breath, Skywalker, everything.

Umm ... I hope that badge is a joke.

I asked you before if you were a cop and you said "No." I am aware of my constitutional rights. I Googled that shit.

You're going to have to leave now.

Please stop beating me.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Q: What happens if you fail a drug test for sports?

A: You're going to have to return all those gold medals.

You should stop handing them out to the children.

And stop posing with them for photographs.

I should have realized something was fishy when you won the shot put. Most sprinters don't excel at throwing.

It really should have been a tip off when you swept the swimming events.

The most medals won by a single competitor in one year, and they are all tainted.

I am very disappointed in you.

This scandal will destroy the Special Olympics.

Q: What causes toenails to bruise?

A: This hammer.

This hammer I am using to hit you on the toes.

This hammer I am using to hit you on the toes until you tell me where you hid the money.

Are you following any of this?

Oh boy.

I really shouldn't have let you smoke all that pot before I started to torture you.

Q: What would you use to measure how crowded a country or region is?

Q: A warning shot.

If no one runs, you are in a rural area.

If over twenty people are trampled in the ensuing panic, you are in a city.

If people starting shooting back, you are in Detroit.

Q: How long does it take for priority mail during holidays?

 A: The United States Postal Service will not deliver any letters addressed in blood, no matter how many stamps you use.

Q: What is the shiny stuff on grapefruits?

A: That's wax.

I know, it's unusual to have a grapefruit in a bowl of wax fruit.

It's also unusual to have your grandmother stuffed and mounted above your bed, but that didn't stop me.

Would you like to see her? She's very lifelike.

And now you're running away.

That line never works.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Q: What does that mean if the outgoing guy did lots of things showing he liked you but recently somehow seems to avoid you?

A: You upset him by bragging to everyone about your multi-state crime spree.

He wanted that to be your little secret.

That's why you used those aliases.

And why you wore masks.

And why he told you not to tell anyone.

Q: What did Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton serve as members on?

Q: They were members of the League of Colonial Justice.

By day, they founded a nation.

By night, they donned masks and kept the streets safe for rich, white landowners.

Hamilton was The Treasurer. He baffled foes with his mathematical prowess and incapacitated them with an arsenal of razor sharp currency.

Jefferson was The Statesman. He overpowered evildoers with his powerful oratory and fierce convictions. He also carried a hammer, which he would use to beat people about the head.

Hamilton and Jefferson formed a powerful crime fighting duo. They thwarted a number of plots against their country by English spies, protected the wealth of a young nation and bedded a great number of attractive slaves.

Q: Why does water melt ice?

A: We have this conversation every time you visit my laboratory.

That tap does not produce water. It produces nitric acid.

That's why there is a sign over the tap that says "Danger: Acid!"

And another sign that says "Not Water! Acid!"

You'll notice I added a new sign that says "Bill, Don't Drink The Acid!"

Please stop drinking the acid, Bill.

I don't have time to bring you back from the dead again. I have things to do today.

Q: Why did Victor dismiss the idea of suicide in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein?

A: Narcissists are incapable of suicide. They are already dead inside.

Q: What eats a baby crocodile when it is first hatched?

A: That's Lyle. He's always eating odd things.

It used to be chicken bone cake.

Then he moved on to bug juice. Literally, cockroaches and flies and ants blended into a juice. More of a gruel, really.

Now he's all about eating those baby crocodiles.

He eats these things to impress the ladies.

They are not impressed.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Q: What are the most important cognitive changes that take place in young adults?

A: You start to realize that adults may be simply older versions of children, and all their "experience" and "wisdom" are nothing more than overheard platitudes and marketing slogans.

You will also like The Doors for a few years, before eventually realizing that they kind of suck.

Q: Who is considered the best spine surgeon in India?

A: Um ... Wow ... This is awkward.

When that elephant trampled you, it really didn't crush your spine. We told you that so you wouldn't freak out.

The elephant  popped your head right off your body. Like a champagne cork.

It was actually pretty amazing.

That's why you can't feel anything below your neck. You don't have anything below your neck.

Oh, don't be such a baby. We only told you that you still had a spine because we thought you'd be dead by now.

Honestly, we have no idea how you are still alive.

I promise you this: Once you die, which should be any moment, we will totally use your head as a soccer ball.

You are welcome.

Q: What mineral is most common in beach sand?

A: Diamonds! Hundreds of thousands of diamonds! This beach is rich with them.

You still can't find any? 

I tell you, they are everywhere. Keep digging. Don't get discouraged.

Your mom and I are just going to go for a little ... chat. Behind this sand dune.

There are no diamonds over here. 

They are over there. Farther out. Keep digging. Don't give up.

Keep looking for the diamonds and ignore any noises you hear from behind this sand dune. Your mom and I are just rehearsing for a play.

Of course you'll find diamonds. Would your favorite Uncle ever lie to you? 

Q: How much money you get when your paycheck rise when your a police officer?

A: You're a good kid, Nelson. You have all the makings of a good cop.

But it's time you learned some cold, hard facts about police work.

We get paid to keep the peace. We prevent crime and arrest suspects and occasionally settle disputes. We also write a lot of reports.

If we do all this well, and we kiss the right ass and have the right last name, we can get promoted. With promotion comes the money. That's how we make our paycheck rise.

Despite what you may have heard, we don't get a bonus for every drug dealer we kill.

Especially when the drug dealers in question are pharmacists.

I know you took it hard when your wife overdosed on sleeping pills, Nelson. But she had a legal prescription for them. No one broke any laws. No one murdered her.

She took her own life.

Simply because she couldn't stand to be with you for another moment.

She explained it all in this note. You might want to read it. It is addressed to you.

You should probably give me your gun first.

Q: How do you make games work?

A: I have no idea. He's pretty lazy. We've tried everything.

We tried yelling at him. He just napped.

We tried threatening him. He just laughed.

We tried locking him out of his office and withholding his pay until he actually did something. He just napped.

Then he sued us. He hired a very good lawyer. It was a black eye for the company.

So, we decided to cut our losses and named Ronald Barron Games president of our company.

We still haven't figured out a way to make him work.

The stockholders seem to like him.

They consider his mumbled speeches and constant yawning "folksy".

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Q: Did president Wilson lead the US into war anxiously?

A: He lead the country into World War I with unwavering confidence and unstoppable belief in his righteousness, all from the safety of the White House.

The soldiers sent to Europe to fight the war, however, were incredibly anxious.

Q: Why was it unfair for every colony to have one vote?

A: The people of New England were far wiser and more sophisticated than their Southern brethren. Luckily, they worked out their differences during the Civil War and the country has lived in perfect harmony ever since.

Q: What limits should be established prior to every scuba dive?

A: How deep we are going to go.

How much treasure we will try to salvage.

How many times we're going to pinch Jim's line so he starts to freak out and makes that face.

Q: What are editorial?

A: They are the people who decide what stories and columns appear in the paper everyday.

They are the people who control your fate and shape your destiny.

They are your bosses, the people you answer to. The people you need to please.

They are also the people you just mowed down with that machine gun.

I understand you're going through a lot right now, what with all those voices in your head and all that blood coming out of your ears, but I need you to pull yourself together for a moment and listen.

You should really starting putting together a new resume ASAP.

And you really shouldn't lead with the phrase "Real good with machine gun."

Come on, Tom, you're better than that.

Q: Do you use your cell phone at inappropriate times?

A: Define inappropriate.

Would an inappropriate time be when you are on a crowded bus and you get a call from a loved one who has lost their home in a fire and needs help?

Would it be inappropriate to place a call during your daughter's dance recital because you left her costume and home and you need your husband to pick it up?

Would it be inappropriate to use your cell phone during a funeral, even though the eulogy has been going on for over an hour and you barely knew the deceased and really didn't care for him and length of the service looks like it will interfere with your dinner date?

It would?

Oh, that explains why everyone is hissing and giving me dirty looks.

I'll take this call outside.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Q: How far from a house do you have to be to shoot a gun?

A: That's an excellent question.

Now that I think about it, we should be father away than this. At this range, someone might hear us.

Let's go out a little more. Down by those trees.

By now, you can probably guess my answer to whether or not I will give allow you to marry my daughter.

You should probably start running now.

Q: What military leader did Abraham Lincoln choose to lead the Union forces in 1864?

A: Alexander the Great.

After his advisors informed him that Alexander the Great had been dead for centuries, Lincoln chose Genghis Khan.

Once he sobered up the next morning, he settled on Ulysses S. Grant

Q: What misunderstanding did Saddam Hussein have about the US military and the nature of the possible invasion?

A: That once we found no evidence of weapons of mass destruction, we would peacefully leave Iraq and admit that we had made a mistake.

Q: How do relative sizes of the sheep and human cerebral hemispheres differ?

A: Human brains are much bigger. Sheep brains are smaller. They make better decorations and paper weights.

They are both equally delicious. 

Q: How long is flight from Houston TX to Panama City Florida?

A: Let's be honest here. You don't want to go to Panama City. There's nothing for you there.

I know you have visions in your head of nubile, college girls running around, exposing themselves and fellating everything in sight.

Those visions are lies.

Your brain is a liar. It cannot be trusted.  I'm not sure why you haven't figured this out before.

The girls there won't even talk to you, let alone fellate you. All you're going to do is make them uncomfortable.

You're not going to have any fun in Panama City.

So why even go there? Why are we evening going to bother?

You know you will have fun? That clearing down there.

That place looks great. There's grass and rocks, and - hey is that a deer?

Why don't we just land there and forget all our plans about going to Panama City. Trust me, that clearing is worth it. I hear it's incredible.

Look, after we land in this clearing, and once the rescue teams finds us, there are going to be a lot of questions.

Specifically questions about why I landed this plane in a clearing in the middle of nowhere and not Panama City.

It's important that we tell the investigators the truth: that you wanted to land here and it was by choice. Not because I got drunk this morning and forgot to put enough fuel in the plane.

Are we clear?

Great. Now, hold on to something. We're almost there.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Q: Can you convert teaspoon into cups?

A: I've only just started dabbling in alchemy. I'm not quite there yet.

I can turn ice into water.

Would you like to see that?

Q: How much Carbohydrates are needed in a day?

A: You need hundreds. Actually, thousands. You need carbohydrates with every meal. And often in between.

You need to eat carbohydrates, as many as possible, all the time, or you will die.

You know the best way to get carbohydrates?

A pizza.

An large pizza with pepperoni and extra cheese. Nothing beats that.
.
Hold on. I have to take this call ... Hello, Big Tommy's Pizza, this is Big Tommy. How can I help you? ... Okay ... Okay ... $18.45. You can pick it up in twenty minutes ... Thank you.

Okay, where was I? Right.We were talking about you and your health. And how you need carbohydrates to live.

Now did you want to get that pizza?

Or do you want to die?

Q: At what time did the huge fire start in the north of Israel on December 2 2010?

A: I have no earthly idea. Whenever it was, I was asleep.

Yes, I was asleep at noon. I take frequent naps. I fell asleep watching a movie.

The movie? Uh ... it was ... B ...ad ... It was Bad Boys ... Bad Boys 2.

I can't be expected to remember the plot of every movie I see.

As I told you I fell asleep. I keep a lot of oily rags around the house, as you can see, and they occasionally make me sleepy.

I am an oily rag collector. That's why I have so many around the house.

Come on, lot's of people have books on arson in their personal library.

And it's not like I'm the only person with shelves made out of empty cans of gasoline.

Q: How is vitamin B12 added to Marmite?

A: That's a very interesting question. Like many interesting questions, it requires a lengthy answer.

Why don't you get comfortable?

Take off your shoes. Relax.

Would you care for a drink? I have an extensive wine collection.

Umm ... isn't that tasty.

Now, where was I? Yes, Marmite.

You have such beautiful eyes. And such soft skin. And the most amazing lips.

Ouch!

What the fuck?

All this talk about B-12 and Marmite ...  I thought you wanted to hook up. I figured it was all a sign.

Who the hell cares about Marmite?

You are such a tease.

Q: Do sea lions like seals?

A: No. No matter how hard I try.

I've tried everything.

A little mood music. Some alcohol. Explicit diagrams.

Still nothing.

I've even dressed up like a seal, and tried to seduce Kyle.

Kyle is my sea lion.

He didn't like it. He bit me. Hard.

Now I'm out three bottles of champagne, I'm sick to death of Barry White, and I may have rabies.

And I still don't have a baby seal lion.

All that time I spent rescuing Kyle from Africa and shaving his mane and teaching him how to swim. All for nothing.

At this point, I really regret quitting my job at Best Buy.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Q: How do you find the maker of the wagon wheel chairs you have?

A: I made them myself.

Well, I made the chair part.

They were already wagon wheels when I found them.

I happened upon them in the desert. They were next to a wagon.

On a wagon, technically.

There was a man next to the wagon.

An old man.

He was crying.

It seems someone had robbed him at gunpoint and then subsequently murdered his wife and children.

He was probably crying because he was so sad.

On account of the murder of the his wife.

And the murder of his children.

You know who wasn't crying?

Me.

I was too busy smiling.

Smiling about my giant savings on these wagon wheels.

They cost almost nothing. He practically gave them to me.

What a nice man. I wonder whatever happened to him.

Q: What grades do you need to become a veterinary surgeon?

A: You need grades sufficient to earn the proper degree in veterinary medicine.

An "A" for effort will not suffice.

Especially when your "A" is a over-sized letter stolen from a restaurant sign.

I don't think the owner's of Rby's will be amused.

Q: Why can't animal cells survive without oxygen?

A: That's an old wive's tale.

Max is just sleeping.

Here,  boy!

Here, boy!

Who wants to play with a bone?

Here, boy!

He's a very sound sleeper.

Q: What is the snowsnake game played by Iroquois indians?

A: It is similar to the "hide the salami" game played by the White Man.

Except more spiritual.

Q: How much is panda fur worth?

A: Panda fur is worth a fortune.

A bath mat that has been haphazardly painted black and white is worth nothing. Literally nothing.

You could have at least taken off the tag from Bed, Bath and Beyond.

No, I don't think that is Chinese for Panda.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Q: Should animals have the same rights as humans?

A: I don't think so. If they did, what would we eat?

Or ride?

Or hunt?

Or lock in a cage and force to fight?

That reminds me, you still owe me $20. I can't believe you thought your cat had a chance in there.

Q: Do robots have souls?

A: I understand that you are sad. I understand that this is a confusing time for you. I will make this very clear.

Robots do not have souls. They are just a pile of plastic and metal and wires and computer chips.

No matter how lifelike they appear, they are just machines. Machines don't have souls

I know I may have said things in the past that slightly contradicted that statement. I may have said things like, "Robots have souls." Things like, "Nothing beats a beautiful, robot wife." Things like, "You should marry this beautiful robot I made for you. It, she, totally has a soul and will love you forever."

So I see why you are confused. When I told you that robots had souls, and you should marry one, I had the best intentions. Everyone in town had married a robot. We were happy and content. We thought a real woman would never love us like a robot wife could.

That's before they opened that new girl's college. Those girls know how to party. They can love us in ways our robot wives never could. And they can do it again and  again, all night long. And we never have to clean them or worry about a short circuit. There's no threat of electrocution.

These real girls are better than our robot wives. That's why destroyed them. Now, it's your turn.

Your wife is a robot. She is a machine. She doesn't have a soul.

It's time to say goodbye.

Besides, you haven't cleaned her in months and she's really freaking out the girls. Some of them are starting to leave.

Please, do me a favor and destroy your soulless, robot wife and I promise I will totally make sure we bring a girl for you next time.

Q: What was the role of the president as established by the founding fathers?

A: The President was intended to be very handsome, speak well, and have a face suitable for money.

He would primarily serve as a figure head and a target for assassins.

As the position evolved, The President was also expected to solve crimes in his spare time.

Q: What tools do Inuits hunt with?

A: Obviously, they used their Intuition.

They're called what?

Really?

It's In-u-its? I always thought they were called the In-tu-its.

Seriously, I've been making that joke for years.

That does explain why no one ever laughed.

Except that one guy. But I think he was on something.

Q: Why is your heater blowing cold air when you slow down?

A: You are just full of questions today, aren't you?

Who are you? Where are you taking me? Why do I have to drink this? Why does it smell funny?

If you must know, I've had this car for a while and the heat doesn't always work too well. That's why I where this overcoat.  Because my car gets cold. Not for any other reason.

I did tell you to wear something warm. But you insisted on trying to run away and trying to fight and kicking and biting, instead of finding a warm coat. So, who's to blame there?

You'll be warm soon. We're almost at the cabin.

No, I can't tell you where it is. And I'm not going to tell you my name. Please, stop asking.

You can sit by the fire and warm up once we get inside. I'm going to need some quiet time.

I still need to cut out all the letters from different magazines. It takes a lot of time. In the end, it's worth it.

I mean, I hope it's worth it, for your sake.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Q: How do I know when my fiance don't love me no more?

A: The wedding was over three days ago. He still hasn't shown up. That should have been a sign.

None of his friends or family attended either.

And he cancelled the band.

And he hired that plane to fly over head with that banner that said "Melissa, I don't love you anymore and I won't marry you." That was a long banner. It must have cost a fortune.

I'd say those are all pretty clear signs.

You might want to try and let go and get on with your life.

I think it's time to step away from the alter and take off the wedding dress.

The next wedding party has been waiting for a while. They've been patient so far, but I think they're starting to get restless.

Q: Do you need documents to buy a gun in CA?

A: Yes. You need two forms of ID.

A mugshot doesn't count as a form of ID.

Neither does a used target from a firing range.

Q: Is there a check list for appearance dress for success would you hire me?

A: The list varies from employer to employer but they all share one common item.

Always wear pants.

I think you can figure out the answer to the second part of your question.

Q: How do you get a price on an object?

A: You've got to guess the price. You can listen to the audience suggestions - listen, they're shouting right now. Those numbers are prices - Or you can come up with a price of your own.

If you think everyone else has overbid, you can bid one dollar.

I'm sorry. I can't tell you the price. You can't look it up on your phone either. That defeats the whole point of the show.

You've never watched this show have you?

And you're probably not even in the navy.

I bet you don't even spay and neuter your pets.

You son of a bitch.

Q: How do you show substantial evidence?

A: Usually with the help of a confession, many witnesses and a murder weapon. Unfortunately, we don't have any of that in this case.

We only have this drawing of how I think the murders might have been committed. I hope the jury buys it.

I admit it, the decision to make the drawing with an Etch-A-Sketch may have been a mistake. But the decision has been made and we'll have to live with it. Now let's go to court. We have a case to prosecute.

I'm trusting you to carry the sketch. Please don't shake it. As I mentioned before, it's our whole case.

Well, that and me pointing at the defendant and shouting "Murderer!" over and over again.

The judge usually doesn't let me do that. That doesn't mean I can't try.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Q: Does KFC alter its recipe in foreign countries?

A: Yes! In many countries, their product actually contains chicken.

Except in India, where, for some reason, it contains beef.

KFC is not very popular in India.

Q: Why are some soaps made of animal fat?

A: The film "Fight Club" ruined it for those of us hoping to making a little dough on the side selling human fat soap to upscale boutiques.

Thanks again, Helena Bonham-Carter.

Q: Why was NY Representative Charles Rangel censured by the House of Representatives?

A: In general: For being too awesome.

Specifically: For being awesome at corruption.

Q: What high school classes do you need to take to become a construction worker?

A: You can take any classes you wish; they key is doing poorly in all of them.

Q: How big is the average Chinese family?

A: One father. One mother. One son.

And the bones of dozens of unwanted baby girls.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Q: What are the main events on World AIDS Day?

A: Taking a trip to Haiti and having unprotected sex with as many prostitutes as I can afford.

Oh.

I may have misunderstood the purpose of World AIDS Day.

Boy, is my face red.

Along with several parts of my anatomy.

Q: Was St. Patrick an Italian?

A: He better not be!

On St. Patrick's day, I like my beer to be green, not tasting of garlic and full of body hair.

I do not intend to change.

Q: Why would a toilet that has been working properly just stop flushing even though the tank and the bowl both fill up?

A: I have no idea. Literally no idea.

The only way something like that would even make sense is if there was something stuck in the toilet. Something l the size and shape of a woman's hand.

But that just doesn't make any sense. As I told you, I live alone. Take a look around. There are boxer shorts on the floor and plates in the sink. It's pretty clear a woman hasn't been here in years.

I wish I could be more help with your case, Detective.

Q: Can you go to jail for not giving a friend a computer back?

 A: I hope so. That's pretty much the entire plot for my spec script of Short Circuit 3.

Q:Do eagles blink?

A: Not stuffed ones.

I don't have the heart to tell Tom. This staring contest means the world to him. He's been practicing for months.

I told him his Mom would come back from the dead if he beat an eagle in a staring contest.

And people say I don't have a sense of humor.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Q: How has Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol changed the way you celebrate Christmas?

A: After my father drinks a bottle of scotch, sets the tree on fire, has sex with the Christmas ham, punches Grandpa in the neck and passes out in a puddle of his own vomit, I shout "God Bless Us, Everyone!"

Q: Why do you smell ammonia when the air conditioner is working?

A: I don't smell anything. You should take a closer look.

Closer.

Closer.

Really stick your head in there and take some deep breaths.

Have I ever told you how attractive I find your wife?

Q: What is most important to you in your job search?

A: Finding a job that enables me to be constantly high, show up whenever I feel like it and spend all day telling people what to do. You can understand why I am so interested in becoming a reality TV producer.

Q: Does butter affect plats growth?

A: The Plats used to be the slimmest couple on the block. Then they got hooked on butter. Now they have their own gravity.

Q: Is it true stars are continually forming in the halo of your galaxy today?

A: If by "stars" you mean "cotton candy" and by "halo" you mean "cotton candy machine" and by "galaxy" you mean "carnival," then no.

The cotton candy machine only makes cotton candy when I turn it on. It doesn't work by magic, nor is it powered by the cosmos.

You cannot have any cotton candy for your voyage. Not unless you pay for it.

You should go now. No one is impressed with your so called "space suit" that is clearly made of aluminum foil.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Q: How do you load amazon book to computer and then to kindle?

A: You need to download the Kindle version of the book. You can't simply shove the book into the disc drive.

No, not even page by page.

Don't eat the book. That won't solve anything.

Sometimes I wish we had never taken you from your wolf family and tried to teach you how to live like a man.

Q: How much money does a school bus driver earn in NYC?

A: If you are real careful and know how to cover your tracks, you can earn hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.

Unless you drive one of the short buses. No one is interested in buying those children.

Q: How do you make a tiered cake?

A: You usually put the largest tier on the bottom. And you usually make it out of something other than brick.

Q: What is the relationship between f-stop and shutter speed?

A: They are both very important in the making of any snuff film.

But not nearly as important, as you, our star!

Q: How do you acquire magic?

A: By doing a lot of tricks. Start with that one over there in the Impala. He's been staring at your for a while. He doesn't look like a cop.

Make sure you get the money first.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Q: Is there a substitute for brandy when cooking?

A: There is no substitute for brandy in any part of life. Except a plastic bag full of bathtub gin made from apricots and raisins and pennies. I doubt you have that.

You do have that? Really?

Wow, I sure lucked out when it came to cell mates. You certainly do have everything. I'm sure you've heard this before, but you're kind of perfect.

If only you'd sleep on your stomach every once in a while.

Q: How do you get your boyfriend to kiss you for the first time if you are both scared?

A: Put some peanut butter on your face.

I assume your boyfriend is a horse.

Q: What is responsible for sudden movements in the body?

A: It could be that you are tired, or tense, or having a muscle spasm.

It's more likely you have been impregnated by an alien parasite and are about to give birth to a horrifying creature with razor sharp claws and teeth and acid for blood.

There's only one way to be sure: We are going to have to kill you and burn your body.

No, an X-Ray would take minutes and we simply do not have the time.

If my theory is right, you'll thank me. It would be pretty painful to have that monster burst out of your chest.

If my theory is wrong, don't worry, I will console your very attractive wife. I'll tell her you went mad and tried to kill us all, so she won't feel bad.

Q: Are wind turbines a good idea?

A: That crazy old man and his little Spanish friend seem intent on fighting something. I just had that dragon decal put on my car. I don't want it to get all scratched.

Q: Why do people sometimes have a worse allergic reaction to a substance the second and third time?

A: This batch of crack has more cat hair in it. Much more. To an embarrassing extent.

I'm sorry, but my overhead has gone way up and I've had to cut costs somewhere.

By overhead, I mean "lean-to". As you can see I upgraded to a refrigerator box. It's larger and keeps the cats warm.

They get colder quicker now that they are hairless.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Q: Can a person work in childcare with a criminal record?

A: I certainly hope so. Our whole heist kind of hinges on it. We probably should have done a little research before we spent six months planning.

But my wife wants an army of adorable babies and I'm not inclined to disappoint her.

Q: How much is harry potter and deathly hallows first edition with cast signatures worth?

A: A book is a collection of lines on paper. These lines create letters. The letters make words, the words sentences and the sentences paragraphs. Put them all together and you have a story.

What I'm trying to say is that a book can not have a cast. They wouldn't be able to fit inside, and you'd probably hear them scream anytime you closed it.

So, your book, covered with so-called "cast" signatures, is completely worthless. However, it does appear completely delicious.

May I have a bite?

No, I don't recall ever having to take medication.

And there's that orange yak again.

Q: What treatment was used for typhoid fever in the middle ages?

A: A good bleeding.

If that didn't work, a good drowning.

If that didn't work, shunning by the entire community.

At that point, if the patient was still alive, they would be shot and placed in a large pile.

Q: What need prompted the invention of the television?

A: The need for society to be dumber, spend more money on things they can't afford and feel worse about themselves.

Also, live theatre had become a little too full of itself and needed to be destroyed.

Q:Why are lunar roving vehicles used in space?

A: Wherever man dare travel, he also dare hold a Cannonball Run.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Q: How many people are usually in a dance team?

A: Usually, about 8-10 people. Sometimes, as many as 20. For this contest, we limited the number to 6.

It's cute that your whole town formed a dance team and everyone got in shape and mastered the choreography and everything. You've all worked so hard and come so far. I bet some of you even put aside long standing personal differences. All to save one little old rec center. It's really a heartwarming story.

A heartwarming story that ends in defeat.

As I said, each team can only have 6 members. Your team has 272.

You are disqualified.

Q: What are some field hockey quotes?

A: It's hard to say.  Most of the more famous quotes are simple moans and groans uttered under the breath and from behind a set of binoculars.

Q: How did the Patriots fight the war in the West and in the South?

A: By maximizing their talent, drafting well, creating foolproof strategies for victory, and cheating. Always, constantly, relentlessly cheating.

Q: What are the three types of earthquake risks?

A: 1.) Revealing dangerous volcanoes beneath Los Angeles.
2.) Destroying Faberge egg collection.
3.) Standing near fat people with inner ear disorders.

Q: Are the shy girls who smile while singing in the choir actually nervous and more so than the ones who aren't smiling?

A: The girls who are smiling are being held hostage. They are being forced to smile.

The girls who aren't smiling are mannequins. They're incapable of being nervous. They're incapable of being afraid. They're incapable of being in love.

No matter how hard you try, they'll never love you back. Never.

Why do they have to make them so beautiful?

Friday, November 26, 2010

Q: What reduces the mechanical advantage of a machine?

A: You could unplug it. Or rip out its wiring. Or flip the breaker. Or hit it with a hammer.

There are literally dozens of ways. You should have enough material for many, many episodes. 

But, I am not really sure your "Man vs. Blender"pilot will be as big a hit as you think.

I still don't get it.

Q: Can you say I battered him with too many questions? .

A: Yes, you can say that.

You can also say, and this way is slightly more correct, "I battered him with a cricket bat while asking him too many questions."

But, it's your confession. Write it how ever you want.

Q: Why one muscle bundle can vary in amount of contraction at different times?

A: The wiring in the chair is all messed up. This is why we should go back to firing squads.

Q:How long is a tour in the army infantry?

A: That's not a question we like to hear on someone's first day.

Now get out there and keep shooting.

The General promised to promote me if we capture that bunker.

And if I get promoted, I like to take my friends with me. That is, as long as my friends survive this poor-planned, ill-advised, suicide mission.

You should probably take some more bullets.

Q: What type of microorganism is responsible for salmonella?

A: There is no microorganism responsible for salmonella. Thoughts are responsible for salmonella.

Your thoughts.

Your vile, unclean, impure thoughts.

That's why everyone is so sick. Because you wanted this.

Even if I properly cooked the turkey, everyone would have been sick.

All because of your thoughts.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Q: How many Diary of a Wimpy kids books have been sold to date?

 A: Over 12 million copies have been sold. Unfortunately, those numbers don't take into account the number of books stolen and read by bullies.

Q: Should you make someone vomit if they swallow chemicals?

A: It depends on what kind of chemical they have swallowed.

If the chemical is a mixture of alcohol and energy drink like Four Loko, then no, for the party is about to get started.

If the chemical is a mixture of corrosives and evil, like Moxie Cola, then yes. For the love of God, yes. Nothing ruins a party like Moxie Cola.

That actually used to be their slogan, until it was replaced for being "far too accurate."

Q: What does this quote mean It is hard to fail but it is worse never to have tried to succeed?

A: It means that sometimes people work very hard to achieve their dreams but fall short anyway.

These people get very sad and very lonely, since no one likes a failure.

In order to attract company, they encourage others to fail as well.

Q: What is power in mathematics?

A: In mathematics, as in any other science, knowledge is power. Specifically, knowledge of mathematics. Also, a general familiarity with numbers helps.

For instance, a math teacher should be able to identify numbers and be able to differentiate them from letters and drawings of butterflies. It doesn't appear that you are able to do that.

Which means that you are not a math teacher.

Which means that you are not Mr. Henderson.

Which means that I've wasted another Parent-Teacher Conference talking to a janitor.

The broom should have given it away. And your attire. And the fact that your office seems to be a supply closet.

This is why my wife doesn't like me drinking before these things.

Q: Does ice cream have fat in it and why?

A: Cream is pretty much all fat and, therefore, so is ice cream.

The fat is usually in the cream.

There shouldn't be chunks of gristle.

Where did you say you got it?

We didn't hire a clown for your birthday party.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Q: What is the role of data base?

A: Data Base is G.I. Joe's Junior Technical Administrator. He keeps track of everyone's code names and specialties and weapons. He's really eager and works very hard and he's an asset to the team.

He is not allowed to go in the field.

He is not allowed to use a weapon, nor will he ever be.

He's probably the least qualified member of the G.I. Joe team that we have ever had, but Snake Eyes accidentally killed his parents and we had to do something with the kid. A lawsuit would have ruined us.

So now you know, and knowing is the half the battle.

The other half is fighting. As I said before, Data Base will never be involved in that half.

Q: What were some of the problems that pyramid builders had to face?

A: The alien architects who designed the pyramids often asked for building materials that were not available on Earth.

Q: What is the song called that goes double them booty?

A: It is called Symphony Number 29 in A Minor by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The lyrics in question are not as apparent as those in modern-day music, but they are there, between the lines, seemingly beneath the lines, in the silence.

I am beginning to suspect one of you has spiked my tea.

Q: How long does it take to defrost a pie?

A: Defrosting a pie can take up to a day. Defiling a pie only takes a moment.

Q: Do foxes live in the forests?

A: I find more foxes at the mall, if you know what I mean. They do end up in the forest, but I wouldn't say they "live" there, if you know what I mean.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Q: When do night terrors occur?

A: Every time I fall asleep. My eyes get heavy, I drift off and, the next thing I know, I hear screams.

The most blood curdling screams.

And women crying.

And men crying.

And it feels like someone is shaking me. Someone is shaking me and yelling "For God's sake, wake up, or we're all going to die!"

When I wake up, I feel just terrible. And I hurt all over.

So, you see, it was because of these night terrors that I left Greyhound Bus Lines. The night terrors and only the night terrors. I can't remember when they started. I can't remember much before yesterday, actually.

Sooooo, am I going to drive this school bus or not?

Q: Do doctors get paid monthly?

A: No. They get paid each and every time they put their hands on you and make you feel better. Just like prostitutes.

Only with more schooling and much higher self-esteem.

Q: What do you do when a child with autism hurts your child?

A: Drop a box of matches on the floor. That will keep him distracted long enough for your child to attack.

Q: Can you give me an example of reliability?

A: When you needed someone to feed your cat, I was there.

When you needed someone to help you find new furniture to replace everything that was stolen when I forgot to lock the door when feeding your cat. I was there.

When you needed someone to take you to the hospital when your substandard new furniture collapsed and you broke your hip, I was there.

When you needed someone to have sex with your girlfriend when you were in the hospital, I was there.

I think it's safe to say that I am the most reliable friend you have.

Q: How can you find out if somebody has left you something in his will?

A: That's usually a question you ask someone before you spend months planning their death and making it look like an accident. If you are not in your uncle's will, why did we do all this?

The phrase "Hard work is its own reward" does not apply. Please stop saying it. Please. Stop. Now.

Hey, on a completed unrelated note, am I in your will?

Monday, November 22, 2010

Q:How many types of woodpeckers are there in Edmonton Alberta?

A: As far as I know, there is only one type. The birds that peck on the tress and annoy the hell out of me.

Oh, and there's also Jim Dale. I guess you could include him. He suffered a war wound in a very unfortunate area. Always a do-it-yourself kind of guy, Jim insisted on finding a way to satisfy his wife. So he built that contraption.

He claims she likes it. From what I hear, she complains a lot about all the splinters.

Q: What will make an outgoing guy not saying hi to you everyday but only stare at you and smile weirdly sometimes when he can always say hi to everyone?

A: He may be smitten with you. Or he may be having a stroke. Either way, expect to see some drooling.

Q: Why do you think George Washington was chosen to bring a message to the French on behalf of the Britich crown?

A: The British assumed that all French were deathly allergic to peanuts. They knew very little about France. Even less about George Washington.

Q:How do you know if a guy just likes you as a friend?

A: Despite your obvious attraction, your blatant flirtation and your passionate objection, he still marries your sister.

Q: What chemical formula of steel?

A: You  take a little bit of Shaquille O'Neal, add a little bit of Superman, mix it up real well and then sprinkle on a generous helping of complete apathy on the part of the American public.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Q: What is in a starfish food chain?

A: Microscopic plankton ==> Starfish ===> People starving to death on deserted islands.

Q: Are your reindeer sleeping?

A: Yes. Yes. Of course they are. That is why they are so still and quiet. Because they are sleeping and not for any other reason.

Incidentally, what did you think of those burgers I made earlier? They were made of beef. Pure, beef and nothing else.

They tasted like beef to me.

No, I've always had 7 reindeer. I don't think any are missing.

That's not blood. I must have spilled some red paint when I was painting the sleigh.

How about we stop asking questions and we go back inside for some more, delicious burgers?

I'll be there in a minute. If you hear a chainsaw, it's because I am making some adjustments to the sleigh.

Q: What are the aims of the UK organization 'Children in Need'?

A: To provide the youth of today with proper fake beards and moustaches, so they can sneak into adult movies and strip clubs.

Q: How are teens after rehab?

A: Far less susceptible to the lures of drugs and alcohol. You're going to have to try actually being charming. Or, invest in some ether.

Q: Why were cats sacred to ancient Romans?

A: Ancient Romans? Oh, you mean that lovely couple down the street who passed away recently? They weren't Ancient Romans. They were a very old couple from Italy.

I don't know if cats were sacred to them. They just had a lot of them. I think it's all they had.

No, you can't have one of the cats. Most of them are feral. The rest died from eating the corpses.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Q: If a student withdraws from a class what must he or she do with the books?

A: They can either burn them for warmth, or build a fort out of them. It's not like they'll be reading them.

Q: What would win a grizzly bear or 3 wolves?

A: Are you kidding? The grizzly bear will win. I am positive. He's bigger, stronger and meaner. Plus he has those huge claws. And those teeth.

Also, the wolves have been heavily sedated.

I bet a lot of money on the bear and I don't like to leave things to chance.

Q: What do you call the man who sings for snake?

A: We call him Gus, but his real name is Murry. I'm not sure how he got the name Gus. I guess someone said it and it just caught on.

He only sings for Snake on Wednesday and Fridays. Those are the nights Snake bowls in the co-ed league over at Ken's. Snake's a real good singer, but bowling is his passion.

Music is Gus's passion, but he's not much of a singer. Still, we let him go up there twice a week to mumble and growl and live out his dream.

The crowd doesn't much care for it. They say the most awful things.

Gus doesn't mind. He just smiles and keeps making those awful noises. I guess it's because he can't hear them, on account of being deaf-mute.

Q: How do i get pictures from razor to other phone?

A: By sending via text, as a media message, or by email. Now that's a Razor phone we're talking about, not an actual straight razor.

An actual straight razor can't take pictures. Those are reflections. And they shouldn't be talking to you.

I'm guessing you have stopped taking your medication.

Q: What did people in the time of Shakespeare do in there daily life?

A: Covet. Usurp. Plot. Brood. Avenge. Mostly, they had misunderstandings.

It was a lot like life in the time of "Three's Company". But far more believable.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Q: What is sequence of community changes that take place after a community is disrupted by natural disasters of human activities?

A: The sequence is as follows:

1.) Looting
2.) Finding like-minded people, forming gang.
3.) Coveting spouses.
4.) Looting.
5.) Killing pact member whose wife you covet. Making it look like an accident.
6.) Consoling spouse.
7.) Consoling her again the next morning.
8.) Hunting weakest gang member for food and sport, but mostly sport.
9.) Looting.
10.) Sending gang on suicide mission. Ending up alone.
11.) Repeat steps 1-10

Q: Is it bad to ask a guy out on his birthday?

A: Absolutely not. Most guys would love to get asked out on their birthday.

Make sure it is actually his birthday, and not the anniversary of the day he was acquitted for strangling seven waitresses in the Bay Area.

Not every cake is a birthday cake.

Q: How do pressure change as you go from the surface towards the center of the earth?

A: The pressure increases significantly, as does the aggression of the mole people.

Q: What makes you suitable for the vacancy you applied for?

A: I have all the knowledge of the person who previously held the position.

I acquired it when I cooked and ate his brain.

Which means I created the vacancy in the first place.

If nothing else, you should admire my initiative. And culinary daring.

Q: How do you heal bed bug bites on your skin?

A: Bed bug bites can be healed with a steady application of a topical cream and some patience.

You, however, do not have bed bug bites. You have bed sores. Those can be avoided entirely by rolling onto your back once in a while or getting out of bed altogether.

The expression "making a living on your back" is just that, an expression. Your laziness is making this brothel a laughingstock.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Q: What does a girl want on her birth day?

A: It's hard to tell. Women can be so finicky. I know one thing, your lady friend would like nothing more than to escape from the pit I dug in my basement. It's really deep and the walls are very slick, so it's impossible for her to climb out.

I'm thinking of giving her what she wants for her birthday, and I might just do it, if she PUTS THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET!

Q: What stone problem would cause pain in the middle of your back on the left side?

A: Here at Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" Fantasy Camp, we like to think of stones as solutions, not problems. Solutions to the problems caused by the undue stress of the modern world. We believe that there isn't a problem in the world that can't be solved by being pelted to death with stones thrown by angry strangers.

Your particular solution was a large one, thrown by that girl over there. The one with the pretty dress and the bloodthirsty eyes and the poor aim.

We started this Fantasy Camp as a joke. We never really thought anyone would attend. We were surprised when you showed up, and brought your whole family with you.

I take it you never read the book.

Or, you read it, and you don't know what words mean.

Either way, here come more stones!

You are welcome.

Q: Should a doctor take out stitches?

A: Look, the Joker planted that bomb in your stomach and we only have 30 seconds until it explodes, so we don't really have time to dicker over who did or did not go to medical school and who may or not be drunk.

Q: What is the function of the senate in the federal government?

A: It gives the very rich the feeling that they have accomplished something with their lives.

Q: What is way to represent 4 cows died?

Q: With this heaping pile of Quarter-Pounders. If you eat all of them, it's like having a Thirty-One Pounder. Then those cows won't have died for nothing.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Q: If you fall asleep while driving does your car slow down or speed up?

A: Do you really think I'm going to fall for that? This is not my first kidnapping, young lady.

Q: What happens to your body when it gets paralyzed?

A: You lose all feeling as well as the ability to move. You literally cannot lift a finger. You will not feel pain, or pleasure, or numbness or tingling.

What I am trying to say is that you are not paralyzed. Your foot fell asleep.

Therefore, you are not excluded from serving in the infantry.

Q: How much damage can rain do?

A: Not much. It's not like it can reshape the earth or anything.

Oh, I'm sorry, it can do that. Exactly that.

Rain is very powerful. And very cleansing.

You should have thought about all of this before you read all those filthy magazines.

I know that they were under my bed. I keep them there so that no one else reads them.

I have no idea how they got so sticky.The publisher must use a cheap printing process, which makes the ink run, which makes the pages sticky.

It makes sense to me.

I've had enough of your questions. You're sleeping in the yard. End of discussion.

No, you may not take a magazine with you.

Q: Why do wolves attack at the neck?

A: It's the only part of your body not covered in armor. I told you to wear the iron neck brace, but you wouldn't listen.

You just had to turn be able to turn your head. You just had to.

Please stop bleeding on me. This suit is brand new.

Q: What smoking condition causes fatigue weight loss shortness of breath and weight loss?

A: I was going to say crack until you mentioned fatigue. Crack doesn't make you tired. You must be mixing it with something.

I can only assume you are smoking some mixture of crack and cookie dough.

The weight loss probably stems from an unrelated tape worm.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Q: How was life like in the great depression?

A: It was wonderful. A non-stop party.

The era was named ironically, to throw off potential Viking invaders.

Q: Can you give me a sentence with the word reputation in it?

A: Your condescending questions will surely damage your reputation as "Not-An-Asshole."

Q: How old do you have to be to drive tractor on a farm?

A: On my farm, you have to be 13.

And you have to have arms. Both arms.

I told you to respect the thresher. But did you listen?

No. No, you did not.

Q: How do you design a high school course?

A: I think of all the ideals our young people should have.

Then I find the most tenuous connections between these ideals the film Forrest Gump.

Then I put a DVD of Forrest Gump in the DVD Player.

Then I press play.

That's half a semester right there.

I'm still thinking about what to do after mid-terms.

I think there's a lot they can learn from Tango & Cash.

Q: Can you deal with infidelity in your relationship?

A: You sure can. The best way to deal with infidelity is to keep it totally secret. Create a fake identity and only have sex with strangers in town on business. Buy a prepaid cell phone. Always pay cash. It's the little things like that that will help you hide your infidelities for decades.

Oh. I see. You're not the perpetrator of then infidelity. You're the victim.

Have you tired dressing a little nicer? And not crying so much?

You have?

Then I got nothing.

Wait. You could sleep with me. That would show him, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it?

And here come the tears again.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Q: Why is church a formal organization?

A: You can't show up in your bathrobe and there's no cussing or beer drinking.

Q: What happens when posterior portion of the neural tube fail to develop properly?

A: Look, I happen to like Pro-Wrestling, okay.

I know that it's fake. Yes, it's kind of homo-erotic.

It's not all like that. Some of it can be quite good..

It doesn't make me an imbecile.

Q: What evidence did Edwin Hubble use to determine the universe is expanding?

A: His own expanding girth. After gaining 185 pounds over the course of three years due to his diet of fried chicken and ice cream sodas, he grew tired of explaining his new "look" at dinner parties and buffets.

One night, while pouring Hollandaise sauce on his third tray of bacon, he was asked if he "Haven''t you had enough." He quipped, "The universe is expanding. I'm trying to keep up." Those in attendance laughed uproariously and the phrase stuck.

Q: Who made embassy banjos?

A: In some ways, Embassy Banjos made themselves, created by the spirit of music itself.

In another, more literal, far more accurate way, Embassy Banjos were made by hillbillies. Men named Billy, who lived in the hills of West Virginia. Cruel, evil men, who tracked innocent hikers by day and spent the night killing them, tanning their skin and stretching it across banjo frames made from their bones.

Homemade Human Skin and Bone Banjos Made By Cannibals frightened consumers more than the Billies expected. After much consideration, debate, and violence, they settled on the name Embassy Banjos.

Q: What is the diet for the flying squirrel?

A: Today, he'll be feasting on lead.

On lead.

It probably would have been more impressive if I had cocked my shotgun while I said it. Ask me again. Ask me!

Today, he'll be feasting ... on lead.

Yes, that means I'm going to shoot the squirrel.

Why are you crying? What did you think we were doing today? Why did you think we brought guns?

Of course we're hunting squirrels.

Living with your mother has really made you soft.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Q: What are the disadvantages of a polluted river?

A: Well, you can't drink it for one. Kids can't play in it. Can't swim in it. It turns their skin all white and chalky. Can't water ski in it, that's for sure. You really shouldn't be near it anyway. not if you want to keep your sense of smell.

On the plus side, it's so murky it hides the bodies incredibly well. Now, grab his legs and let's get him in there. My ears are starting to water. That can't be good.

Q: What is audit in child care?

A: Oh, it's really just a fancy word for "head count."

A head count is when we count the number of children at the beginning and end of the day, to make sure we haven't lost any.

I realize you have never done one. That's why we are doing this audit.

And why I brought the police.

Q: Are you ready for fly?

A: To fly.

To fly.

That's the expression. "Are you ready to fly?" You would say that and then launch the catapult.

It's a good thing they don't rate Batman villains on grammar. Or names.

Because you'd be right at the bottom, Catapult Jimmy.

Q: Why do you use foam on a oil fire?

A: Foam cools the fire and stops it from spreading.

Foam does that. Foam.

Not Silly String.

As you can plainly see, Silly String does not put out an oil fire.

As you can plainly see, Silly String spreads the fire. Alarmingly fast.

I have to admit, it was funny the way you said "Everybody chill" right before you sprayed the Silly String. 

It was less funny when Dale got engulfed in flame.

Win some, lose some, I guess.

Q: How will you use the dates August 6 and August 9 to create awareness about the ill effects of nuclear disasters?

A: With my new line of  "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" commemorative T-Shirts.

Don't worry, they're tasteful. They're all tattered and soiled and shit.

Oh, and they glow in the dark. You know, as a reminder of all the pain and suffering.

Soooo, are you going to buy one?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Q: Do crabs live in the deepest part of the ocean?

A: Yes. They do. At least some of them.

Others, such as hermit crabs, live in very shallow water near the beach.

Then there are the kind that live in pubic hair.

Guess which kind I gave you.

Here's a hint: If properly cooked and eaten, they would not prove to be delicious.

Q: How to make an egg drop project without a parachute or commercial packing materials that can survive a two story drop?

 A: Master telekinesis.

Q: Can someone legally listen to your phone conversation?

A: I'm not trying to listen to your phone conversation.

Your father collapsed and I'm trying to call 911.

For the love of God, please stop citing legal precedents and get off the phone.

Q: How much does a private school cost in California?

A: Okay, fine. I'll take out the trash. Do you always have to be so passive aggressive, Mom?

Q: What to do when your sound doesn't work on a mac?

A: Accept the fact that you are deaf and your childhood dream of being a world famous composer will never come true.

Set your sights on a new, achievable dream, like being really good at Farmville.


Friday, November 12, 2010

Q: Does shark have backbone?

A: No. They are all just big bullies. That's why you have to stand up to them.

Go over to that one, look him in his cold, black eyes, like the eyes of a doll, and tell him, under no uncertain terms, that he must stop eating all the tourists.

He'll respect you for it and, more importantly, I'll respect you for it.

Then maybe we can talk about you sleeping inside the house again.

Q: What does pear shaped really mean?

A: It means you are fat. We've been trying to be nice about it, but let's face facts. You are fat.

I'm sure you are wonderful boy, with a charming personality and a dry wit, but little, fat boys like you have no place in the Miss Delaware Pageant.

This is a beauty contest, not a self-esteem convention.

Q: What percent of bullies have no peers or friends?

A: The same percentage who respond well to a soundly reasoned argument against bullying. That would be zero. Zero percent.

Now, can you please help me get down from this flagpole? I've been up here for days and I think heard some wolves approaching.

Q: Is sharing housework between husbands and wives the key to successful marriage?

A: It's one of the keys, certainly. However looking over your list, I am not so sure the housework is divided as equally as you think.

For instance, "Watch TV all day" is not housework.

Neither is "Eat dinner."

Nor is "Nap."

Q: How can a twelve year old get taller?

A: You can wait until you get older. But who has the patience for that?

I suggest drinking out of this can I have here in my brown paper bag. It's a good old fashioned growth serum. Tale a sip.

Yeah, it sure does burn. That means it's working.

How about you go lay down behind that dumpster? You might feel woozy while the serum takes effect.

And you should probably take off your pants. Wouldn't want them to get ruined by your sudden growth spurt.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Q: How many years of school would you have to take to become a psychiatrist?

A: Many, many years of difficult schooling are required. That's why I encourage you to become an amateur psychiatrist. All you have to do is ask a lot of questions and after each answer, pause and say "And how does that make you feel?"

For some reason, it also helps if you have a beard.

Q :What would happen if some of the red blood cell were placed in water with very little salt?

A: The vampires would still be able to tell the difference.

Damn it! We have to think of a way to fool them or we'll never survive this dinner party.

I should have known something was up when the invitation included the phrase "Please wash neck."

At least we know for next time. If there is a next time.

Q: Who sounds the bugle at the beginning of a battle?

A: Generally, we pick the worst soldier to play the bugle. Unfortunately, since we are considerably out-manned, we need every able soldier to fight, even those with very poor aim, or the ones who are cowards.

But fear not men, we will not charge into battle without a call to arms. I have with me a cassette tape of famous bugle sounds.

One second, let me just put it in my portable stereo. And press play.

It's probably not wise to start with "Taps". I'll just fast forward a little bit.

Oh, that's not very heroic either.

You know what, the enemy is very close and I know you are excited to fight. Let's all just pretend we heard a rousing call to arms and charge into battle. All right then, on with it.

Q: What is the pit crew used for in NASCAR Racing?

A: Everyone on my crew serves a purpsose.

Bobby refills the gas tank.

Gus and Darryl change the tires.

Kenny cleans all the bugs off the windshield and the rodents off the grill.

Mike reminds to turn left. Always turn. You don't want to make that mistake twice.

Q: How many hot dogs are eaten per game at a minor league baseball game?

A: About 400. Generally, that's by the whole crowd, not one man. You don't need to be a hero.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Q: What are the homeopathic uses of the crab apple fruit?

A: As far as I know, there are zero homeopathic uses.

There are, however, literally dozens of erotic uses.

I would be happy to show you, if you would be so kind as to put your car in park, roll down your window and stopping honking your horn and screaming for help. You are making a scene.

Q: What is it called when you fix a female cat?

A: Did the cat live?

Yes?

Yes!

In the field of self-taught, at-home, veterinary medicine, we call that a roaring success.

Let's have a drink. Trust me, you'll need it. We still have forty-six other cats in this bag.

Q: How do you congratulate the parents of the bride?

A: I find the best way is with a drunken, profanity laced toast.

Q: What is removed when using a fire extinguisher?

A: The ability to play hilarious, fire extinguisher related pranks in the future.

Q: How do you find out if you are a veteran?

A: Turn off all the lights. Lay down on your back. Relax. Close your eyes.

Do you hear gunfire? Screams? Helicopter blades?

Open your eyes. Look at your TV.

Is "Apocalypse Now" playing?

If not, you might just be a veteran.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Q: What two generals decide to meet and declare the surrender after the Civil War?

A: General Ulysses S. Grant and General Harland Sanders.

The terms of the surrender were so unfavorable to the South that General Sanders was subsequently demoted to Colonel.

Q: How does lack of sleep affect your sports performance?

A: It vastly improves it. That's why so many mixed martial artists don't sleep in the days leading up to the fight. That way, they are more motivated to end the fight early and go home and get a good night's sleep.

Q: Does heart worm medicine for dogs keep all other worms away?

A: Thankfully, no. So keep baiting that hook. We'll be able to fish him out in no time.

Q: What does it mean when an egg yolk is green?

A: You are starring in a live action remake of the Dr. Seuss classic "Green Eggs and Ham."

Or, you are in prison, and having what is considered a normal breakfast.

Either way, I see no harm in eating the egg.

No harm for me. You might get very sick. I might be highly entertained.

Q: What sports does England excel in at the commonwealth games?

A: Decade after decade, they continue to dominate "Upper Class Twit of the Year."

Monday, November 8, 2010

Q: What are kangaroos instincts?

A: He's going to want to jab a lot. Make sure you keep your right up. Stay away from his right. And his teeth. Those are sharp.

Q: Is there a short day of the year?

A: In my experience, January 1st is the shortest day of the year. It starts around 2 in the afternoon and I don't remember much after 10. In the afternoon there are many naps.

Q: Can you control the spirit of God?

 A: Yes! And you can, too.

All you need to do is buy some of these special beads.

They are only $24.99. You'll only need to buy them once.

Well, once now, and then a new set every 90 days. God's spirit changes with the times and you'll want the most current beads to properly control it.

I know what you are going to ask and let me save you the trouble and simply say: Yes, I do accept sex as payment.

Q: What were you pilgrims like?

A: Oh, we were great. We always got along with you Native Americans.

By the way, thanks for the whole "giving us food when we were on the brink of starvation" thing. That was pretty nice of you.

In return, we would like to give you these fabulous blankets.

There are enough for everybody! Even the kids.

Q: How long is your backyard?

A: It's long enough for all the exercise I need.

I don't know that I've actually measured. I'd guess it to be 50, 60 feet long.

Hold on, I'll go measure.



How long did I say it was?

Yeah, I was way off. It's about 5 feet long.

I may have been slightly misleading when I referred to it as a backyard, since it's not really outside. It's actually in my apartment. It's not really a yard per se. It's more of a tub.

A 5 foot long metal tub.

It's still all I need for my exercise.

That, a couple otters and a fifth of Jack.

I hope this helps you with your science project.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Q: Can an experienced guitar player give me some tips?

A: Guitar strings are typically made of nylon or steel. They are not drawn on in crayon.

Q: Is caption higher then lieutenant?

A: You know it is, sir. If you didn't agree with my lunch suggestion, you could have said no.

You didn't have to pull out the chain of command chart.

You didn't have to make me practice my salute.

You didn't have to call a full meeting of the force to explain the differences in rank.

Everyone is sorry that you are impotent and cannot father a child, sir, but do you really have to ruin Take Your Daughter to Work Day every single year?

Q: Does the refrigeration of urine chance the specific gravity?

A: You know what? On second thought, I don't need an Arnold Palmer.

Wow, you have a lot of pitchers full of brown liquid in there, too. 

You know what? I'm not even thirsty at all.

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook