Q: How do you find the base area of a box?

A: There are a million different theories about measuring a box, but I like to follow a simple rule my grandfather told me: You'll never know much about a box until you climb inside and take a look around.

Why don't you follow his advice?

How does it feel in there? Are you all comfy and cozy?

I'm going to close the lid to give you a better sense of the box. Your eyes can play tricks on you. In the darkness, fingers never lie.

Disregard the sound of ripping tape. It's completely unrelated.

I forgot to mention this before you climbed in there, but I noticed you lost weight. How much you weigh these days?

Great. How much is that in kilograms?

No reason.

Something fell on the box. It's not taped shut or anything. Something fell on top, something heavy enough to keep the flaps closed but light enough to not crush it. Don't worry, help is on the way.

Hey, listen, I'm going to have to take off. Good luck with your whole measuring-the-size-of-the-box-thing. I hope it's as successful as that time you made that video of me crying in the shower and sent it to everyone in the senior class.

Funny how I never got you back for that hilarious prank. Well, you know what they say about revenge being best served cold.

Speaking of cold, do you have any idea how expensive it is to ship a package to Siberia?

Q: Is rollerblading fun?

A: Of course it's fun. Look at the couple in this ad. They're laughing, smiling, out in the sun, enjoying life. Look at all the fun they're having. Why would this ad lie to you? What would it possibly have to gain? This ad doesn't know you, it's never met you, it has no idea how you are. It's merely a lovely picture of two beautiful people, enjoying a leisurely day of rollerblading, cast, produced and paid for by the American Rollerblade Corporation - clearly an unbiased third party, hoping to entertain the people of America.

I'm pretty sure Rollerblade is the name of the company. I believe it was started by a Mr. John Rollerblade. Dutch heritage, from my recollection.

Yes, they manufacture and distribute rollerblades. What company doesn't? They also happen to make a wide variety of other merchandise, such as helmets, elbow pads, wheels, spandex pants, tank tops and a series of blockbuster films about an international man of mystery named J.J. Rollerblade who travels the world, fighting crime by day, bedding super models by night, fighting crime again later at night, all while competing in occasional high stakes rollerblade races.

They really took a bath on those movies. They were the only films to receive a rating of "Mineral" on Rotten Tomatoes. Big embarrassment.

But enough about movies, did you want to rent these rollerblades? Or are you content on leading a sad, pathetic, loveless existence?

Really?

Are you sure?

At this point, I have to believe that you don't understand the ad at all.

Q: Why do people compliment my younger sister more than me we are both pretty?

A: Yes, you are pretty. So very pretty. You're also bright, sensitive, creative, kind, understanding, patience and caring. You're such a wonderful being, with so many endearing qualities.

One quality you don't possess, however, is self awareness.

You have no idea that you're a ghost.

That's why no one gives you any compliments.

In fact, that's why no one has spoken to you in six years.

Except for your sister. But she's crazy, which only seems to make her more appealing.

Q: When would you need a forensic scientists?

A: When the work becomes too technical for us regular detectives. When we need to find some DNA on a piece of chew bubblegum we find on the nightstand of a dead gigalo. When we need to determine what blood belongs to which corpse after a chainsaw party. When we need to identify a kidnapper based on nothing more than a boot print and a Pez dispenser.

Sometimes we need a forensic scientist to solve one of the more important case, like WHO KEEPS EATING MY SANDWICHES?

Seriously, guys, it's not funny anymore. That's the ninth one this month. I swear to God, once Dr. Goodwin tells me who did this, I will shoot the culprit in the face. I'm not kidding. They can suspend me, fire me, send me to jail for life. Hell, put me in the chair. I don't care, I have nothing left. 

That sandwich was all I had. I've never loved a human being as much as I loved that sandwich. If it were legal for a man to marry a sandwich, I would have done it. Judge me all you want. I just want to be happy.

Hold on, Doc Goodwin's calling. I can't wait to see what he says.

Hey, Doc.

What's that.

I see.

Well, thanks for the work. Uh, if you don't mind keeping this under your hat, I'd really appreciate it.

It seems I owe some of you folks an apology. According to the DNA results, I am the one who ate that sandwich.

I guess this solves the riddle of who's been drinking all my scotch.

Q: Can technology have positive affects on kids?

A: I don't think it can have an affect other than positive.

Before technology, my kids were losers. They looked like losers. They thought like losers. Most importantly, they fought like losers.

They were nothing more than a puddle of broken bones, tears and excuses.

Losers, through and through.

Then I discovered technology. Now my kids are winners. They look like winners. They think like winners. You better believe they fight like winners.

Thanks to their titanium reinforced skeletons, their cybernetically enhanced reflexes and the small missle launchers implanted on their arms, my kids haven't lost a fight in month. They're the kings of the playground. They get all the lunch money.

Other parents may complain, but that doesn't bother me.  Losers complain. I know. I used to be one.

Now, I'm a winner, just like my kids.

All thanks to technology.

As well as my bank's generous lending policy.