Q: How does age affect your pitching skills?

A: What I've lost in velocity, I've more than made up for in experience. I've played a lot of years in this league, for a lot of teams, and I've picked up a lot of tricks along the way.

I've played with a lot of different players and all of them, from All-Stars to benchwarmers, from the has-beens to the never-were's, from rookies to veterens, all share one thing in common: They have deep secrets that they will do anything to protect.

Anything.

They'll pay any dollar amount, they'll turn on old friends, betray loved ones. Some will even kill, murder a complete stranger to stop the truth from coming out.

Once you consider all they would do to protect themselves, you realize what I'm asking isn't all that much. How hard is it for them to make an old man look good every once in a while? All they have to do is swing at a few pitches, knock a few hanging curves into the dirt, let a 74 MPH fastball go by every couple of innings.

I'm not asking much. Not until I retire, anyway.

Q: When are the next bunch of shoulder buddies coming out?

A: I knew we'd have this conversation someday. I guess I've put it off long enough. Maybe I should have told you this before your first day of school.

Oh, well.

Son, there will never be any more "shoulder buddies." There's no such thing. What I lovingly refer to as your "shoulder buddy" is actually the head of your parasitic twin. Your deceased parasitic twin.

I understand how exciting it is to meet new kids, or to meet kids at all, or or be out in public and not locked up in the attic. In retrospect we probably should have seen this coming. I'm not mad at you. I understand why you wanted to show off your "shoulder buddy."

I hope you understand the reactions of the other kids. Their screams of horror were only natural. As was the name calling. Even the rock throwing makes sense. I think they went too far with the torches, but, they're kids. They don't know any better. They kind of see you as a freak.

You know I don't see you as a freak. You know that I love you, and your little "shoulder buddy."

Now give me a hug.

Other side.

Q: What kind of trouble came after the civil war?

A: Decades of unrest, resentment and economic turmoil.

But the troubles that followed the real Civil War don't hold a candle to the trouble that follows a Civil War reenactment.

You've never see such horror, such degradation, such pure Hell, until you've seen what happens when a group of men, who just pretended to participate in Pickett's Charge, get together, get drunk, and start comparing who was more fake brave.

Brother battles brother, father battles son, and, if the margaritas are strong enough, and the men chant loud enough, you might even see a mother and a daughter go at it.

That Applebee's will never be the same.

Q: What is the fastest way to get rid of a tattoo?

A: Laser removal can take weeks and leave horrible scars.

This cheese grater will only take a few seconds. However, it will also leave horrible scars.

Your best bet is simple amputation. Cut that arm clean off. I've already heated up the iron, so we can cauterize the wound.

This won't hurt at all. I've done it dozens of times and I've never felt a thing. The amputees never complain, either. Then again, they immediately go into shock and die.

I doubt that will happen with you.

34th time's the charm!

Q: What personal protective equipment do you use when a skin lesion is present?

A: I use a full body condom. It's not what you think. It's not a big shapeless, latex tube, but more like a rubber suit, with sleeves and leggings.

You know those gloves scientists wear when they handle isotopes?

Like that, but for for my whole body. Not a patch of skin showing.

Sure, it make me less attractive to many adult film directors, but I'd rather be the "freak in the full body condom" than than the "guy with the lesions and open sores."

No one is interested in watching a movie called "Open Sores Open Whores," no matter how often I pitch it.

Plus, I find that the full body condom gives me an air of mystery, a sense of danger.

A naked body full of open sores and lesions provides nothing but answers, answers to questions no one wants to ask.