Q: What is happening when you feel little fuzzy?

A: I'm rubbing my hands all over his velvet costume. It feels so soft and warm and inviting.

He seems to like it. Sure, he blushes, says "No!" pulls away and turns the hose on me, but he's only playing hard to get.

I'm onto Little Fuzzy's games. He can't fool me,

There's nothing inappropriate about my touch. Not at all. I'm merely touching a good friend, in a platonic way, in the area of his pelvis, while whispering "This is our little secret." I don't see anything wrong with my actions.

If people have a problem with it, they can change the channel. We're not the only kids show with singing puppets.

Q: Can any mood stabilizers cause false positive drug tests?

A: They sure can!

I used to be moody like you wouldn't believe, swinging wildly between extreme depression and mild depression. Sometimes I was down in the dumps. Other times, like a second later, I was feeling blue. I was all over the place.

Then a friend of mine, well more of an acquaintance, actually a guy I met on the bus, turned me on to this mood stabilizer and, let me tell you, it worked like a charm. My mood is constant and euphoric. I feel great all the time. I used to be Mr. Boo-Hoo-Hoo, but now I'm Mr. Go-Go-Go. I'm consistently upbeat, cheery, full of energy, happy, energetic, creative, talkative, and I have tons of energy.

Did I mention I have tons of energy? Because I do! I haven't slept in five days.

All I need to do is take some of these mood stabilizers every couple of hours to keep myself right on track. My friend, the guy from the bus, charges a little more now, but that's to be expected. I need more of the stabilizers and he's getting better product now. He says it's straight from Columbia.

There is a downside. I get a lot of false positives on drug tests. It's ruined my career. No one's going to hire a math teacher with a history of failed drug tests, even though they are false. For some reason, the tests keep coming up positive for cocaine. I've never taken cocaine in my life. I only take these powered mood stabilizers.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom. I'm starting to feel moody and I need to rub some mood stabilizer on my gums.

Q: What can you do if your puppy gets hit in the head?

A: Okay, first you'll need to calm him down. Pick him up in your arms, hold him tight and pet him like crazy.

Now, take off his helmet and check his head. Is there any blood? Are his eyes glassy? Does he show any signs of having a concussion? Most importantly, does he still think that he's Joe Montana trapped in the body of a dog?

That last part is really important. Football is a violent game, and your puppy's going to take some shots. But if he gets knocked out, and stops thinking he's Joe Montana, we are screwed.

If he doesn't think he's Joe Montana, then he's just a puppy trying to play quarterback. I have no idea how that would even work. Plus, I'm pretty sure there's a rule that says a dog can't play football.

I probably should have mentioned that before. Yup, I'm sure there's a rule. Even if we win this game, we'll probably get disqualified on appeal. But we'll have one hell of a YouTube video.

A disqualification counts as a loss. You would lose any money you bet. I hope you didn't bet too much.

Ouch.

Look, being homeless gets a bad rap. Have you ever heard anyone who's actually homeless ever complain about it?

Q: Does Obama walk his dog outside of the Whitehouse grounds?

A: I can't answer that question, sir.

Nor can I answer your question about whether or not the President wears suit made out of kevlar.

I'm not familiar with the existence of any decoy Presidents.

And I don't feel comfortable talking about how soundly the President sleeps, or what kind of noises would be less likely to wake him.

I wouldn't even know what kinds of food the President would most likely eat without smelling. Even if I did know, I would rather not discuss the matter.

Sir, this information kiosk generally provides information about the mall itself. We don't pretend to know everything. If you would like directions to Sears, I would be glad to help. Questions about the President's schedule, his movements, and his security detail are beyond my area of expertise.

If you want answers to those questions, I suggest you call the Secret Service directly. I'm sure they would love to talk to you.

Q: What should you put on a swollen hand?

A: An oversized foam finger indicting that your favorite team is number 1. That's why we make them, to help the momentarily grotesque feel less self-conscious.

I'm sorry we don't have any comically oversized foam cowboy hats in stock to cover your head. I've never seen one so swollen.

Are you allergic to shellfish, or did you get stung by an army of bees?

It's always been like that?

Your poor mother.