Q: How do you know if your chicken soup is safe to eat?

A: Have your least favorite child try it first.

If they survive, eat the soup.

Don't look at me like that. Everyone has a least favorite child.

It's simply implausible that you would love all four of your children equally.

Really? All of them? Even the fat one with the harelip?

Quiet down, Fatty. The adults are talking.

Q: What does it mean when jewelry has EMA stamped on it?

A: Your boyfriend stole it from the home of Esther Mae Albans.

We've been trying to crack this case for months.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Thanks for coming to the police. For some reason people are reluctant.

Reluctant to be a hero. 

We will need that jewelry back.

And we'll have to arrest your boyfriend.

You will still be a hero.

Unofficially, of course.

Q: What happens to a bill that is introduces in and passed by the house of representatives?

A: If it's a bill that favors Republican interests, such as very rich people, we pass it along to the Senate.

If it favors Democratic interests, such as old people, or poor people or children, or people who don't run insurance companies, we roll the bill up and smoke it, like a cigarette, right there on the House floor.

What are you going to do about it, America?

We're the Republicans, we can do anything! You'll never vote us out of office for more than two years.

If you did, who would pretend to protect you from terrorists?

Q: Who is the best female saint of kindness?

A: For my money, you can't beat Saint Kelly. She's over on 7th and A, above the dry cleaners.

For an extra twenty dollars, she'll throw in some special kindness, if you know what I mean.

I mean she'll tell you she loves you when she hugs you.

I just wanted to be clear.

In the past, some people have misinterpreted my words and expected Saint Kelly to do some pretty nasty things.

Absolutely filthy.

Those type of things cost a lot more than twenty dollars.

Q: What does it mean when you dream that your right hand has a hole and white worms are coming out of it?

A: Even your unconscious thinks that you masturbate too much.