Q: How much does a pool in a condo building add value to the units?

A: Our central pool is a modern infinity pool, sleek and luxurious, and offering some of the greatest views in the city. The pool maintains a temperature of 72 degrees, allowing for year-round use. Six feet at it's deepest and two feet in the shallows, our pool also features six built-in chaise lounges for tanning, relaxing or chatting with friends. Our state-of-the-art media center features inputs for iPod, iPad, PS4 and XBox One. We have a water-proof high definition projector as well as a 204" screen that rises up from the pool at the push of a button. In under three minutes our pool can become your private screening room, discotheque, or personal oasis.  A pool like this will increase the value of your unit by at least $33,000. Once we clean out all the dead bodies.

Until we clean out all the dead bodies, the value of the units will remain where they are, which is very, very low.

Cleaning out all the dead bodies won't be as easy as you might think. As you can see there are hundreds of them, in various stages of decomposition. Removing so many dead bodies, quickly and quietly, would leave us deeply in the red and thus unable to offer such amenities as wifi in the common room or breakfast tacos every Thursday. The breakfast tacos might not seem appealing now but wait until we've removed all the bodies. When not accompanied by the overpowering stench of death, they'll be rather delicious.

Once we clear out all the dead bodies the vultures will leave. At least that's what the consultants tell us. We've hired a very well-regarded, very expensive firm, and while they're can't guarantee that the vultures will leave once all the dead bodies are removed - they are consultants after all, not prophets - they made a convincing power point presentation that suggests the vultures will leave once we remove all the dead bodies. Apparently, the bodies are a prime source of food for the vultures. According to the consultants, once we remove all the bodies, the vultures will abandon the pool in search of a new food source. Unless the vultures start eating the rats.

Getting rid of the rats will be rather difficult. Even if, sorry, when, when we remove all the dead bodies the rats are unlikely to leave. The dead bodies have been here so long that the rats have, well, I don't know how else to put this, the rats have settled in. They seem to have formed a society, with laws and commerce and government. They even elected a president. I'm not sure how you feel about rats, but I have to tell you, once you get over the fact that they're living and breeding in a pile of rotting corpses sitting in a condo pool, you have to admire them. The rat presidential debate was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. They built little podiums and everything. They made them out of human ears. You should have seen it, the two of them standing behind those rotten ears, shrieking back and forth, while the thousands of rats in the audience sat in rapt attention. I guess you wouldn't find it as cute if the ear they used had belonged to a loved one. But as far as we can tell these dead bodies don't have any loved ones. That's one of the benefits of living in a condo building designed for and marketed to single people: no loved ones cramping your style. I guess the downside is that no one cares if you die. But there's a good and bad side to everything.

So, how about we go back to my office and start filling out that application?

Q: What is the cost of getting rid of the land mines?

A: Let's see here. You have 40 mines on three acres, all armed.

Right, 39 mines. How could I forget? This is awkward. Have they been able to find your wife's wedding ring? Or her hand? Or any identifiable part of her.

No, huh. Well, don't give up hope.

Anyway, 39 mines over three acres. When do you want them out?

Immediately. I can do immediately. But it's gonna cost you.

39 mines over three acres, taken out immediately ... I assume you want them disarmed and moved off site?

You don't have to shout, sir.

Okay, I'm going to have to call in some favors and bring in some extra staff, but I can get this done today. All it's going to cost you is $859 per mine. That's less than half what I charged you to put them in.

By the way, payment is due on the mine installation. Don't insult my intelligence and tell me your wife dealt with the money and had it all on her at the time of her tragic explosion. I've heard that one enough times. This isn't my first day in the land mine business. It's my third.

Q: What is the purpose of the Strive Program?

Q: The STRIVE Program helps the terminally unemployed find jobs by teaching them the tools necessary to be a productive member of the modern workforce. We do this by Striking Them Repeatedly with Increasing Violence Everyday until they get off the couch and get a job.

If you have a son or daughter or uncle or brother who spends all day sitting on the couch watching TV, making excuse after excuse about how, "You need a graduate degree these days," or "It's a competitive hiring environment," please give us a call. We will be at your home within hours, subjecting your loved ones to increasingly savage beatings, starting with open handed slaps, continuing with phone books and cherished childhood toys, ending with baseball bats and lead pipes, until they haul their ass down to McDonalds and fill out an application. Their excuses will not work on us, mostly because they will be drowned out by all the screams. And the laughter. We enjoy our work and we're not ashamed to admit it.

We've never had to use the lead pipes. Most people get off the couch once we reach for the cherished childhood toys. There's something about being beaten with a Man-E-Faces action figure that makes them see the error of their ways.

Our program boasts a 100% success rate, as long as you don't count the deaths. Which we don't. Many of those people had heart problems or weak spines. Since they wouldn't offer much to an employer anyway, we refuse to let them taint our statistics. I doubt they'll be missed. I would assume. I wouldn't actually know. We make it a policy not to stick around the house for too long after the beating. People get weird after seeing a family member beaten like that. You'd think they'd thank us, but usually they're too busy crying and calling us monsters and tearing up the bill and threatening to call the police.

We're not monsters. We are businessmen. Businessmen who sometimes dress like monsters in order to persuade someone back into the work force. And if they'd bothered to read the fine print, they would know that they have waived the right to press charges, as well as forfeited all potential royalties from the sale of beating videos.

The videos are huge in Finland.

Q: What are the business processes in hospital?

A: When a new patient arrives for treatment, whether for a rodent-rectum emergency or a common elective like mole removal, we have him fill out a complicated admissions form designed to promote an immediate sense of inferiority, letting the patient know that he is in the presence of experts far more dedicated, disciplined and learned than he could ever be; we find making the patient feel stupid and insignificant prevents him from questioning our methods later. Among these admissions forms we hide waivers to prevent malpractice lawsuits.

Once the patient has filled out the admission stack, already questioning his right to even be among such intellectual giants, occasionally stammering, body trembling,  we make sure he can pay. The last thing we'd want to do is spend hours and hours performing life-saving medical procedures only to get stiffed on the bill. The desire to help people and Hippocratic Oaths are just terrific ideas, but you can't buy a summer home in the Hamptons with good will.

After admittance, we stick the patient in refurnished supply closet, (billed as a "private room" costing at $2,750 a day), wheel in every working machine not currently in use, (making sure not to double up on machines - the swifter patients tend to notice), pump the patient full of the newest and most expensive drugs, (a sedated patient is a happy patient), send in every expert and intern available, (all with individual consultation fees), and order the widest variety of tests possible, (tests which require the most lab time to get results being preferable).

By this point, the patient will have been a tenant for at least a week and, thanks to bed rest, an abundance fluids, and time away from his soul-crushing job, will start to feel better. We prescribe the newest drug from the pharmaceutical company that gives us the largest kick back, load the patient with crutches, ace bandages and bedpans, and send him on the way.

Three days later we send him the bill. At this point he will require the services of one of our psychiatrists. They  bill by the hour.

Q: What is your least favorite duty being a bank manager?

A: Making small talk with inept bank robbers with poor escape plans who end up taking me hostage. By far. Not even a close second. Foreclosing on a widow leads to weeks of depression where I walk around the city  wondering what my purpose is on this Earth, wondering what kind of God would create a world where people, good people, would have to earn their money forcing gentle kind old women from houses they've owned for decades, but foreclosing on widows - and this is something that makes me cry and gives me hives - foreclosing on widows is a cherish childhood memory compared to making small talk with bank robbers.

Despite what years of motion pictures may have lead you to believe, bank robbers are not suave professionals  possessed of quick wit, fighting against corporate greed on behalf of the little man. They are lazy, vile, stupid people who lack the basic social skills required to hold even the most menial of jobs. Carrying on a conversation with such people takes the kind of patience reserved for saints and mystics.  If you replaced every word from a bank robber's mouth with the phrase, "I'm don't understand how life works so I punch things," you would be no worse off and have a better understanding of who they are as people, and would save yourself the trouble of having to spend time deciphering the tremors, eye-rolls, grunts, lewd gestures and asinine observations they consider parts of speech.

Sooner or later the conversation turns to bank managing, and what it's like, and how it must be an awful, soul-crushing job to serve as the penny-filled sock of capitalism, knocking the common man out and taking his money. They refuse to accept that bank managing is a job like any other, it has good days and bad days, It keeps me around people and it gives me something to do.

Now that I've answered your question, will you start releasing hostages? Or are you going to wait until all those red dots on your chest reach your forehead?

Q: How good are titan pistols?

A: When it comes to protecting your loved ones from the potential dangers of the modern world - home invaders, the Chinese army, socialists, ninjas, zombies, thrill seeking, drugged addicted veterans scarred by the horrors of war - there's no better weapon than a Titan Pistol. 

Titan Pistols kill where they point. That's Titan Promise #1. 

Most companies are afraid to tell you this, but the majority of weapons bought for home protection are used on  family members, either intentionally, to end drunken arguments, or accidentally, when you mistake your son sneaking back in the house after curfew for a burglar trying to rob you over your collection of vintage smut.  At Titan Pistols, however, we are proud of the fact that our guns kill more family members than Smith and Wesson, GLOCK, and Remington combined. 

When you bring home a Titan Pistol, someone's going to die. That's Titan Promise #2.

Unlike other manufacturers, our pistols don't misfire, or jam or cost you valuable seconds of shooting time with a complicated safety lock. Titan Pistols don't have a safety, or a trigger, or a cartridge. The moment you pick up a Titan Pistol, it will fire. If you look at a Titan Pistol, it will fire. If the air around a Titan Pistol reaches a temperature higher than 73 degrees Fahrenheit, it will fire.

You have to work hard NOT to kill someone with a Titan Pistol. That's Titan Promise #3.

Thanks to our three promises - Our guns kill where they point. Once you bring one of our guns home, someone will die. Our guns require constant diligence not to kill - we guarantee that Titan Pistols are the best gun on the market. 

How many would you like to buy to protect your family?

Oh. I see. 

I probably should have warned you to keep your family back before I began my presentation. As I said, Titan Pistols are sensitive killing machines, and as you witnessed, your wife and daughter do not have bullet proof heads.  Don't bother to get up, I'm comfortable cleaning up. This isn't my first presentation. 

Q: How does the hot air balloon effect the economy?

A:  There's an old saying that dates back to the Ottoman Empire: When one's economy is in dire straits, when one's serfs or wenches bristle under rule and speak revolution, one must look to the sky; a craft of wingless flight shall be your salvation.  As you can clearly see, this rule applies as much today as it did hundreds of years ago. There is no better fix for a stagnant economy than a influx of hot air balloons.

Hot air balloons do not make magically appear from the sea or a lantern, they must be built by the hand of man. Construction of a properly magnificent hot air balloon requires miles of heavy duty canvas, industrial strength bellows, and enough strong wicker to hold three men.  The manufacture of one balloon alone would employ thirty men for three months time, and that's not including the wicker.

Not any many can captain a hot air balloon. It takes a special man of skill and pluck and courage and inspirational handsomeness. To teach and nurture and train and groom such men you will need to build schools, write and publish books, and recruit the finest barbers and personal trainers in the world, all of whom will need lodging, entertainment,  food, and legal council.

In addition to their training, hot air balloon captains require shiny, military-style uniforms complete with visor caps and black gloves and sabers, for the fighting of sky pirates. For some reason hot air balloon captains are more effective when dressed as sleek fascists. I'm not sure of sure of the science behind this; I'm not here to improve your standing in the scientific community, but to improve your economy. Anyway, they will need to be dressed and armed and that will require an army of tailors and haberdashers and blacksmiths and, eventually, sky pirates. Few man choose a life of sky piracy, but with the right amount of guilt and blackmail, enough will heed the call to make your hot air balloon captains into heroes.

As you most certainly know, no one attracts the ladies like a hot hair balloon captain. There's another old saying: He who commands the swinging sky chariot has his pick of the swooning harlots. Wise words. Now these women, in order to stand out from the crowd and attract a captain, and thereby lift themselves out of the gutter and make their family proud, will need to look nice. That means new dresses and jewels and hair and make up and those strappy high heels that make their calves look delectable.  In turn this means jobs for dress makers and cosmetologists and jewelers and cobblers and makers of durable and reliable prophylactics.

Hot air balloons are your only hope to save your dying economy. How many would you like?

Great. You'll have the materials for the first batch in a week.

I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that these hot air balloons should only be used for their intended method, as symbols of national greatness and not for anything stupid like police work or shipping or consumer travel. They can be taken out with a well-thrown rock and rarely land where they are supposed to.

I'd also like to remind you that all sales are final and your deposit is non-refundable. Enjoy your prosperity.

Q: Why it is essential for accurate vital signs?

A; Funerals are big business. People love to spend money -  tons of money, more than they can afford - on lavish funerals for their deceased loved ones. I guess they think they money they spend will make up for the love they withheld during their life. Something like that. I don't really know. I don't care to ask. I just cash the checks. All those big checks.

Here's the thing about the funeral business: People keep dying. No matter what we do, no matter what progress scientists make, people keep dying. Every single day. We will always be in demand.

Unless, of course, we break the Golden Rule of Funerals.

Make sure the guy in the coffin is dead. That's the Golden Rule. That's the only rule! That's the most important part of our job.

Always make sure the deceased is deceased. That's all you have to do. That's why we have this stethoscope. And this mirror. And this hammer.

Hit him on the knee with a hammer. If he moves, he's not dead. If he's not dead, hit him on the head with the hammer.

Get on with it, the mourners are getting restless. And I see an attractive widow in need of some vigorous consoling.

Q: What is the average rate for a framing contractor in southern California?

A: For six grand, I'll get you fingerprints on a murder weapon. For eight, an eye witness. For ten grand, and a little lead time, I can get you DNA on the corpse. Your husband will go away for a long, long time.

This is your husband, right? The guy in this picture. He's the one you want me to frame for murder, right? That is what I do. That is why you called me? Right?

Okay, now you're crying. Did I say something wrong?

If you don't want me to frame him for murder, why did you call me? Why did you come here? Why did you hand me his picture?

Oh.

Look, lady, don't take it out on me because you can't read an ad right, an ad that clearly states "No Picture Framing."

See? It says it right here, right at the top of the ad. And again down here. And here. And here, on the side, right below my phone number, it says, "Murder Framing Only! No Pictures!" That should have been a sign.

Speaking of signs, did you notice the one out front, the one that has a drawing of a picture frame with a circle around it and a line through it? Did you see that? That means No Picture Framing!

I don't see why there should be any confusion.

My name is Jim Picture. The name on the door says Jim Picture's Framing. Jim Picture's Framing. Not Jim's Picture Framing. What are you, dyslexic?

Oh, I'm very sorry. That must have been quite a struggle. Pardon my insensitivity. I was in a car crash a few years ago - vehicular homicide fraud frame-up, deal went south - that destroyed my sense of empathy, and my short term memory, and my sense of empathy.

Now, where were we?

I can frame this man for life for ten grand. It will be easy. Look at this face. What a bastard. No wonder you want to ruin him.

And now you're crying.

Q: Do koalas live only in Australia?

A: That's what most people think. Most people are wrong.

You see, koalas are native to Australia, but they can live anywhere, provided they have proper habitat, safety from predators and steady supply of eucalyptus leaves. They can even live comfortably in a portable cage, like the one I have here. Most people don't know that. I like to educate.

Most people think that koalas spend their time getting high on eucalyptus leaves and sleeping twenty-three hours a day. Most people are wrong.

Sure, koalas tend to live that lifestyle, but they can adapt, they can change, they can sleep one hour a day and spend the rest of their time alert, gnawing on eucalyptus and ready to strike. It helps to lace the leaves with amphetamines. It helps to keep the cage cramped.

Most people think that koalas are cute and cuddly; adorable animals safe to keep as pets. Most people are wrong.

Koalas are bears. Like all bears, they are by nature vicious, mean, aggressive and fiercely protective of their young. Like all bears, they hate to be caged.

You're probably wondering why I'm telling you all this. Well, you see, my army of koalas think your toupee is their child. The lack of sleep makes them pretty suggestible.

You should probably sign that contract now. This cage is getting pretty heavy.

Q: How do you borrow money from a child's beneficiary annuity?

A: If you need money, Daddy, you can ask me. You don't need to go behind my back and steal from my future.

Did you lose at the track again? Is that why you need money?

You know you shouldn't bet based on the horse's name. They give the best names to the worst horses. That's how they get you.

Don't cry, Daddy. It's okay. I'll give you money if you need it. You can have all the money in my piggy bank. I was saving up to buy a Barbie Glam Convertible, but it can wait. You need thumbs more than Barbie needs a car.

Take whatever you need. Don't feel bad. Everyone makes mistakes.

Just don't make the mistake of not paying me back. You have no idea what I've had to do to get that money. If you try to stiff me, I'm going to take a lot more than your thumbs.

Good night, Daddy. I love you.

Q: How can I find out if a deceased family member had any life insurance?

A: Oh dear.

You could hire a private detective to dig into their personal lives, interview everyone they've ever known, follow their life from birth to death - basically learn everything about them.

Or, you could find out while they are still alive. Walk right up to them and ask. Something like, "Hey, Dad, do you have any life insurance?" That would be easier than all that private detective nonsense. If he does have life insurance, you could ask "Am I the beneficiary?"

If you are the beneficiary, then you push him in front of the train. Once that train hits him, the "information gathering" portion of our plan has expired, and the "making it look like an accident and creating a credible alibi" portion has begun.

I probably should have explained all this to you earlier. It was unfair of me to assume that you knew how to commit insurance fraud. Oh, well, we'll get it right next time.

Speaking of ... Does your mother happen to have life insurance naming you as the beneficiary? And would she happen to enjoy any high risk hobbies, like skydiving, or hang-gliding or making toast in the tub?

Q: What is a collapse plot?

A: I guess the jig is up. I might as well come clean.

A collapse plot, rather, my collapse plot was plan, eight months in the making, to kill you and take your money. It was a pretty ingenious plan. I'm not just saying that because it was my plan, I'm basing my assessment solely on the plan itself. Specifically on it's ingenious nature.

First I'd bump into you at the supermarket, then I'd befriend you, gain your confidence, insinuate myself into every nook of your life, create conflict between you and your loved ones, slowly strip away all stability in your life, until I was your only friend and you had no choice but to name me as your sole heir, I lure you into the woods, where you would "accidentally" stumble into a pit full of sharp sticks, old bear traps broken glass, allowing me to collect my inheritance.

As you are now aware, my plan did not go as smoothly as I hoped. Perhaps my excitement got the better of me. Perhaps I shouldn't have marked the pit with a large, neon X. Perhaps I shouldn't have shouted "THE COLLAPSE PLOT CONCLUDES!" as you approached the pit. Perhaps my diabolical laugh was a mistake.  Perhaps I shouldn't have hired that marching band, and those cheerleaders, and had all those balloons drop from the trees. I realize now that I may have alerted you a little too soon.

Judging from the look on your face and the gun in your hand, I'm assuming there will be some changes in your will. I understand. But, if I may make one request: Before you shoot me, please help me clean up these balloons. All that latex is bad for the environment. Plus, I rented them from a party store and I'd really like to get my deposit back.

Q: Why does the rear glass stay dry when driving fast in the rain?

A: There is no rear glass. The cops shot out the window five minutes ago. That's why I screamed. That's why I told you to speed up. That's why Murray made that "Argh!" sound. That's why he grabbed his neck. That's why he started bleeding all over the car.

Don't you remember any of this? It just happened. Have you been paying attention at all?

I don't mean to be a dick, but is this your first day as a getaway driver?

I thought so.

Where did we find you?

I had no idea Craigslist had a section for Criminal Services. That seems like a bad idea.

Well, okay then. Here's a little crash course in getaway driving: Focus on the road, not the radio. Go as fast as you can. Don't worry about speeding, or red lights, or tailgating - moving violations are the least of your troubles. Try weaving a bit, but not too much. And, please, for the love of God, stop using your turn signals.

Q: How much control does the president really have over government spending?

A: Not nearly as much as I pretend to have. I work in the Executive Branch. Like an Executive Officer or an Executive Producer, I don't do a whole lot, I just take credit for the work of others.

Don't tell anyone I told you this, but my position is largely ceremonial. I shake some hands, give some speeches, pose for photos, that sort of thing. Every once in a while, Congress sends over something for me to sign. Occasionally, I veto something, just to mess with them, but they take another vote and send it back over for me to sign.

I take a lot of naps.

I do, however, have a great deal of power over one small area of government spending: How much we tip the pizza guy. In your case, the tip will be zero. Zero dollars. You will receive no tip.

Next time, if you want a tip, try to get that pizza here in under four hours, and bring me a pizza without a footprint in it.

I don't want to hear your excuses. Or your lies. There's no such thing as the Noid. We had him executed in '91. I've seen the pictures. Pretty gruesome.

Q: What are the differences between delete and free?

A: When we free an employee, they are able to leave the company, take their family with the, leave the state and seek employment elsewhere, the whole time trying to keep one step ahead of the bloodthirsty dogs we  unleash ten minutes after they walk out the door.

When we delete an employee, the dogs get the head start.

Freeing employees offers more suspense. Deleting them offers more visceral thrills.

The videos sell equally well on the snuff film market.

Q: What is being done to eradicate poverty in Virginia?

A: A problem as serious and unsightly as poverty must be handled with a certain amount of discretion. To address the situation in broad daylight would certainly upset our fine citizens who would shudder at the sight of these poor wretches and perhaps lose all faith in our capitalist system.

We can't have that.

Thus, our decision to deal with this matter at night, under the cover of darkness, makes perfect sense. No one has to see these poor, miserable people with their rotten teeth, their awful hair cuts and their out of date clothes. Some of them still wear Zubaz, if you imagine that.

Plus, the darkness gives us ample opportunity to hide and sneak up on them. Unlike these sad, pathetic people, we have money and can afford the nicer things in life, such as night vision goggles and high powered sniper rifles.

Thanks to our clandestine efforts, we've been able to eradicate 500 hundred paupers over the last three months alone. We expect to eradicate a great deal more tonight. We set up a TV in that vacant lot over there. That really seems to draw them in.

I did say this was all off the record, right?

Q: How is Brazil diversifying it's economy?

A: Brazil's economy will no longer rely exclusively on kidnapping tourists, children of wealthy businessmen, and families of professional athletes. Due to a drastic decrease in tourists, children worth ransom and professional athletes who let their families live in the country, the enterprising young men and women of Brazil have announced plans to kidnap anything that might hold even the slightest emotional attachment, such as pets, family photos, video game controllers and sandwiches.

Q: How much does the worlds cheapest car cost?

A: This car right here costs $85. You'll never find a car cheaper than that.

We saved money by making the car out of cardboard, and we passed the savings on to you!

Those tires aren't drawn on with crayon. They're real tires.

No, you can't touch them. You'll have to trust me.

You'll also have to trust me that the car runs. I can't let you see the other side of the cardboard, I mean get behind the wheel until I have cash in hand. With a car this cheap, I can't afford a test drive.

$85, take it or leave it. This is a one time offer.

I suggest you take it. The police seem to have found your abandoned getaway car. Now they're pointing over here.

Should I wave to them, or will you be taking this fake car and running away?

Q: What does it mean if someone is theatrical?

A: When someone calls you theatrical, they mean you are dramatic, larger than life, your gestures and movements broad and exaggerated as if you are playing to the back of a crowded theatre. Calling someone "theatrical" would  be considered a wonderful compliment, especially if they are auditioning for a part in a stage musical, a farce or even a silent film.

This, however, is not an audition. This is a job interview. An unsuccessful job interview.

Perhaps you misunderstood our ad. We don't need someone to "play" the "role" of a kidnapper, we're looking for a kidnapper. Someone subtle. Someone who can remain invisible. Someone who will keep his cool under intense pressure. You can see why you wouldn't work out.

But I've said too much already.

We're going to have to shoot you now. Try not to make a big deal out of it.