Q: Why sad people cry?

A: Sometimes people cry because they're hurt, because they've had their heart broken, because they person they loved more than anything looked them in the eye and said, "It's over."

Sometimes people cry because they're filled with regret, because they're thinking about all the good times, all the laughter, all the dancing, all the nights that lasted forever - bodies tangled, bodies screaming, bodies moving together as one - all of it, gone. Gone forever.

Sometimes people cry because they blame themselves, because their mind races, searching for answers - What could I have done? Where did this go wrong? Why did this happen? Will I ever be happy? - answers they know they will never get.

And sometimes people cry because they're in pain -  literal, physical pain - because they held the knife wrong when they stabbed you. All that blood made the knife real slippery. And I didn't expect you to squirm so much.

Don't worry, I'll be fine. But I'd feel a lot better if you begged some more.

Q Why the tiger population is shrinking?

A: Because of their fur - their beautiful, spotted fur - so useful in making throw pillows, love seats, hats, belts, boots and sexy undergarments. Their fur is in high demand, and there's only one way to get it: From their cold, dead bodies.With beautiful, spotted fur like that, I'm surprised they've lasted this long.

As you can see, I'm a fan. Everything I own, from my boots to my hat to the upholstery in my Cadillac, is covered in that warm, lush fur.

What?

Aren't leopards the same as tigers?

Oh.

Then I have no idea why the tiger population is shrinking. Could it be because they are simply delicious?

Tigers aren't delicious either?

Oh.

Then they're probably just dumb.

Good riddance, tigers!

Q: Can an elephant flip over a semi truck?

A: That truck was like that when I got here.

I'm pretty sure that truck's always been there. I'm pretty sure that truck's always been like that. 

It looks less like a recent accident and more like a fossil, a relic of a bygone era when semi-trucks ruled the land and men of all ages worshiped truck drivers like heroes, a time when a man was judged not by the color of his skin, or the quality of his character, but by the size and bushiness of his moustache, a time when women wore little tiny denim shorts over sheer panty hose and no one had a problem with it, a time when a man could have a chimpanzee for a best friend and no one would look twice, a time when every man, woman and child over the age of 6 had a CB handle, a time when people used words and phrases like "breaker" and "ten-four, good buddy" without irony, a time when a group of friends, posing as paramedics, could steal an ambulance, enter a cross-country race and -

 - Yes, that's my elephant. Are you going to let me finish my thought, or are you going to keep asking me a bunch of rude questions?