Q: How has Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol changed the way you celebrate Christmas?

A: After my father drinks a bottle of scotch, sets the tree on fire, has sex with the Christmas ham, punches Grandpa in the neck and passes out in a puddle of his own vomit, I shout "God Bless Us, Everyone!"

Q: Why do you smell ammonia when the air conditioner is working?

A: I don't smell anything. You should take a closer look.

Closer.

Closer.

Really stick your head in there and take some deep breaths.

Have I ever told you how attractive I find your wife?

Q: What is most important to you in your job search?

A: Finding a job that enables me to be constantly high, show up whenever I feel like it and spend all day telling people what to do. You can understand why I am so interested in becoming a reality TV producer.

Q: Does butter affect plats growth?

A: The Plats used to be the slimmest couple on the block. Then they got hooked on butter. Now they have their own gravity.

Q: Is it true stars are continually forming in the halo of your galaxy today?

A: If by "stars" you mean "cotton candy" and by "halo" you mean "cotton candy machine" and by "galaxy" you mean "carnival," then no.

The cotton candy machine only makes cotton candy when I turn it on. It doesn't work by magic, nor is it powered by the cosmos.

You cannot have any cotton candy for your voyage. Not unless you pay for it.

You should go now. No one is impressed with your so called "space suit" that is clearly made of aluminum foil.