Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Q: What do boys find attractive in girls?

A: Women are like rainbows: no two are the same and they are all beautiful.

Wait, I'm thinking of snowflakes. Women are like snowflakes: beautiful from a distance, but cold at heart. And, if you hold them too long, they disappear

That doesn't sound right either.

Women are like subway trains: Some are old, some are new, they all kind of smell funny, you have no clue who's been riding them, but, if you're patient and not too particular, they'll get you where you need to go.

When I say that out loud, it sounds kind of insulting.

Women are like bears. They're just as scared of you as you are of them. They will fiercely protect their young.  They spend most of their time sleeping and stealing food from campsites.

No. That's actually bears.

I know I had something to say about women.

Oh, yes, I have it.

All women have something that makes them attractive: their eyes, their smile, their skin, their body, their mind, their wit, their charm, their flexibility, their inheritance - for every kind of girl, there's a boy who likes them.

So, don't worry too much about what boys like. Just be yourself and sooner or later, you'll find someone who likes you for you. That's the best kind of like there is.

Although it doesn't hurt to dress a little slutty. And don't be afraid to put out - boys like that. But not too much or too soon - boys don't like that.

There is one thing that all boys will like: your desire to bring your hot friend into the bedroom for a three-way. Unless your hot friend is a guy. That's just gross.

Q: How do you prevent from dipping your shoulder when you bat?

A: My son used to have the same problem. Every at-bat he'd get behind in the count, start pressing, and try to win the game with one swing. He'd dip his back shoulder, flail at the ball. Pretty soon he struck out every time he stepped to the plate.

I don't have to tell you how embarrassing that can be.

We tried everything: special bats, braces, hitting coaches, personal trainer, sports psychologist - we even pulled him out of school to help him focus on the game. Nothing worked. He kept dipping his shoulder, he kept striking out. It got to the point that I had to stop bringing dates to the game. That boy was ruining my social life.

I realized I was being too hard on him, that I had taken the fun out of the game. It's a game, right? It's supposed to be fun. I figured I needed to do something to help him relax, to help him take his mind of hitting, to help him get out of his own damned head.

I bought him a puppy, a beautiful Golden. I pulled him out of practice, let him miss a few games and do nothing but spend time with his puppy. He played with that dog all day and all night. They played fetch. They ran through the woods. He even took that dog fishing. It got to the point where that dog was his best friend in the world.

That night, I kidnapped that dog. When my son woke up the next morning he found a note:
                                               
                                      If you ever strike out again,
                                            the dog dies
                                                           - A Fan

Since then, he's like a whole new person, so driven, so focused. He's been crushing the ball. He's completely cured of dipping his shoulder.

He's far and away the best hitter in his Little League. I've started bringing dates to the game again. Those high school girls love to party with a winner.

Q: What sense organs work together when you cooking?

A: While strong senses of taste and smell are valuable to any aspiring chef, you shouldn't underestimate the importance of refined sense of touch.; it can give your cooking a sensual quality that will help it stand apart from everyday fare.

If you don't have an exquisite sense of touch, hopefully you have at least a vague sense; it will prevent you from burning yourself on a hot stove or scalding your hands with boiling water.

Unfortunately, you seem to have no sense of touch. You appear to be totally numb. Otherwise, you would have noticed that you chopped off your fingers while dicing the onions.

Your sense of hearing must be pretty bad too, because you don't seem to notice the entire studio audience screaming.

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook