Q: Why did your homemade ice cream not thicken?

A: Probably because I didn't use the right amount of cream.

Or sugar.

Or salt.

Or broken glass.

In retrospect, I probably should have used more cream. And more sugar. And more salt. And less broken glass.

Far less broken glass. Far, far less.

None. I probably should have used none. Using broken glass might have been a mistake.

But it wouldn't be "Windshield Surprise" without all that broken glass. It would just be vanilla ice cream. And who wants that?

Oh.

That would explain the lawsuits.

Q: What did the bill of rights devote much of its attention to?

A: Graphic descriptions of attractive waitresses in the Philadelphia area whom James Madison bedded, hoped to bed or dreamed about bedding, along with a great many detailed sketches of  body parts, positions, locations, sandwiches, cuckolded husbands, and enthralled observers.

These sketches proved three things:
1.) Madison fancied married woman.
2.) Madison had little understanding of female anatomy.
3.) Madison considered marble rye highly erotic.                                                                                      

After a lively, eight-minute debate, Madison's bill of rights was soundly rejected by every delegate in attendance, causing Madison to storm out of the hall in a fit of rage, vowing to retire from public service, swearing revenge on every man who had crossed him. After eating a sandwich, and spending an hour alone with Alexander Hamilton's wife , Madison reappeared on the convention floor with his freshly written Bill of Rights, which the delegates quickly ratified.

Years later, Mrs. Hamilton wrote a memoir about the incident, Ham Sandwich on My Knee: The Bizarre and Ultimately Disappointing Love-Making of James Madison. Madison, now President, ordered the book banned and burned. When told that the Bill of Rights prevented him ordering books to be burned, Madison ordered the Bill of Rights burned. When told that he couldn't do that, he ordered a ham sandwich on marble rye, brought to him by Mrs. Alice Wellner, a married waitress from Philadelphia.

Q: What does you got it from a horses mouth mean?

A: You're thinking of the expression "Straight from the horse's mouth," as in "I got this straight from the horse's mouth," an expression that means "straight from the source," or "directly from an involved party."

That's not what I said.

I said, "I got this Boba Fett action figure from a horse's mouth." Then I held up the action figure. Then I pointed to the horse, so there would be no confusion. I think the meaning is pretty clear: I got this Boba Fett action figure from that horse's mouth.

My father gave me this Boba Fett action figure on his deathbed. He told me it was the most important thing in his life - even more important than me, his only son. Then he laughed for nearly an hour. Then he told me to send in the nurse, the redhead with the legs. It was the longest conversation we ever had.

This Boba Fett action figure meant the world to me. I kept it clean, safe, protected from the world. Now, it's ruined - covered in horse saliva and what I can only hope is chocolate.

It's not chocolate.

You already knew that. You could have warned me before I licked it.

I don't even want to know what happened to my Millennium Falcon.