Q: How do you set up the outside of a letter?

A: Typically, you put the receipt's address right in the center of the envelope, in nice, big, clear handwriting.

Now, that's the whole address, not just a first name and a town. And this spot here, after the state abbreviation? That's where you put the zip codes.

If you don't know the zip code, you can look it up. It's a five digit number. Every address has one.

I see what you did here, but 5 question marks really doesn't help.

Now, up here, in the top left corner, you put the return address. This would be the sender's address. This would be your address.

Your actual address.

I'm pretty sure your address is not The Bat-Cave, Outskirts of Gotham

You don't live in the Bat-Cave.

You are not Batman. That's just a Halloween costume.

Do you think you'll be taking that off anytime soon?

No? Maybe next week.

Anyway. that's how you address a letter. Up here, in the top right corner, you would put a stamp.

Yup, right there. Right where you put all those Garfield stickers.

Garfield stickers have no monetary value. They are not acceptable postage.

So, you didn't put any stamps on the letter, you used a fake return address, and you don't know the zip code.

I think I finally understand why you didn't get any presents this year.

Santa can't bring you presents if he never gets your letters.

Better luck next year, son.

Q: Why should people play the flute?

A: I thought we were all serious about this. I thought we wanted to make music, play shows, make money, get laid all the time and live the rock star lifestyle.

We all agreed that, since we are not very creative, and non of us can write good lyrics, or write good music, or even read music, that the best way for us to achieve our dreams was to become a tribute band.

So, we all picked a band, and we wrote it on a piece of paper, and we put the paper in the hat.

Jeff, if you had won, and we became a Kansas tribute band, I sure as hell would have learned to play the violin.

And Tommy, if you had won, and we became an Onyx tribute band, we would have taught ourselves to rap.

But that didn't happen. You didn't win.

I won. Fair and square.

And since I won, we're going to base ourselves after my favorite band.

And we can't be a Jethro Tull tribute band if nobody plays the motherfucking flute!

Q: How much does it cost to take care of a quarter horse per year?

A: Less than originally expected.

The hardest part was teaching him to walk upright, like a man.

Actually, the hardest part was getting him to wear human clothes. You have to admit, he does look handsome in that tuxedo.

After teaching him to walk like a man and dress like a man, teaching him to eat human food was pretty much a snap. Although I did have to replace the rolls of bread with apples. And we no longer have creme brule for dessert every night, but rather sugar cubes.

And he still hasn't mastered the use of the toilet. He will occasionally still relieve himself, anywhere, at anytime, even during dinner, as you know all too well. Please send me the bill for your dress. My apologies.

But all the hard work has really paid off, and he's worth the occasional headaches. I save a ton of money by letting him live in the house.

But the real benefits are not financial. The real benefits are in the bedroom.

He's amazing.

Once I get him in that harness, and lower him down over the bed, and get into the proper position, and dig the spurs into his belly, I feel the most incredible sensations.

For 30 seconds, at least, until I black out from the pain.

But the doctors tell me once all my wounds heal, I'll be able to try again in six months.

That's why I made this special, extra-long, advent calendar. Would you like to help me open today?

No, that's not a tiny replica of a chocolate banana. Let me have that.

Q: What are the names of all the stars?

A: Let's see, there was Didi Conn.

And Inga Swenson. And James Noble. He played the Governor.

There was Rene Aubererjonois. I loved him. He was great in those early Altman films.

You want a star? How about Jerry Seinfeld?

And, of course, the biggest star of them all, Mr. Robert Guillaume.

I assumed you wanted me to name all the stars from the hit ABC show Benson.

Naming all the stars in the universe would be an absurd request.

Q: How can you make oil paints dry faster?

A: You could use a fan, or a hair dryer, or wave your brochure back and forth real fast over the painting.

No matter what you do, the paint probably won't dry fast enough. At least not fast enough for you to escape.

I think people are on to you.

Hear those sirens? And all those people screaming?

And see those security guards running over here?

That's all because of you. Everyone's kind of ... freaking out.

They seem to have a problem with your creativity, and the way you express yourself.

Personally, I think you are right. The Mona Lisa was lacking something.

Specifically, a shoulder mounted laser and a cybernetic walrus sidekick. I think your additions really improve the painting.

But what do I know?

But I'm not an art critic.

I'm just an imaginary man who lives in your right ear.