Q: How often does a hamster get the hiccups?

A: Hamsters don't get hiccups.

Nor do they walk on two legs.

Nor are they 6 feet tall.

Nor do they smoke cigars.

I think the pet store sold you a man in a hamster suit. It's the oldest trick in the book. You get attached, the "hamster" "disappears" and when you go back to the store to replace him, you find that they've jacked up the price.

We better flush him down the toilet now and save ourselves the headache.

Q: What makes an electromagnet more powerful?

A: I've been a physicist for most of my adult life, and I honestly can't answer that question.

We've tried everything, more coils, stronger coils, newer coils, tighter coils, different material, more power, new wiring, multiple locations, prayer. Yes, we've even tried prayer. Take a guess how well that worked.

Surprisingly well, actually. I didn't mean to sound sarcastic. Prayer made the electromagnet slightly more powerful, yet still not powerful enough to deflect the asteroid heading toward Earth.

We've tried everything and nothing worked. I guess we're all doomed.

Unless...

Miss Kelly, are you willing to do anything to save Earth?

Anything?

Great. Then take your clothes off and make love to me.

Quickly, there's not much time left.

Before we begin, you should take a look at some of these videos I downloaded, to get a sense of what I expect.

Q: How can your investment strategy change as you near retirement?

A: When I was younger, my strategy was "Don't invest. Investing is for suckers. I'm not going to live past 40 anyway."  I spent all my money on booze and women and drugs. I just wasted the rest of it.

I drank everything I could, smoked everything I could, snorted everything I could. I slept with anyone, man, woman, young, old, hot, plain, I didn't care. I slept with anything, sex-dolls, goats, fish, computers, vacuum cleaners. I didn't care. I wanted to do it all. I figured I'd experience everything life had to offer or die trying.

Well, I've pretty much done it all. And I'm not dead. Thanks to advances in modern medicine, I have a new liver, heart, spleen, lungs, kidneys and stomach. They took the stomach from a cow. It's a freaking miracle.

I shouldn't be alive right now. Seriously, I shouldn't. I haven't saved any money. I don't know how I am going to pay for all this. I didn't think things through.

So these days I have a new investment strategy. I plan to get a job as a security guard at a big corporation, slip and fall down some stairs, and collect a huge settlement. I have a big interview today. Wish me luck.

Excuse me?

What?

Seriously?

This is the interview?  I'm having it right now?

What time is it?

Where did the day go?

What did I do all day?

How did I get here?

I probably shouldn't have told you about that settlement plan. That seems like a mistake.

Boy, untreated syphilis really does a number on the old noggin.

Q: Are deers territorial?

A: You are thinking of bears.

Bears are territorial. They protect their land. They protect their loved ones.

If they feel threatened, or provoked, they will attack with deadly force.

Deers are peaceful creatures, who tend to roam the woods, looking for new sources of food. If they feel threatened, they will run. If they feel provoked, they will run. Deers never hurt anybody.

A bear killed your sister. A bear.

Not a deer.

A bear.

You can kill all the deer you want, but you're never going to avenge her death.

I can't believe your father told you it was a deer. I don't know what is wrong with him.  He's so unstable. He's been acting so erratic ever since I left him to be on that reality show. You're not safe with him anymore. I'm going to file for full custody.

Just as soon as I get back from Vegas!

Out you go. Tell your Dad I said "hi." And tell him about your new uncles, and all the fun you hear Mommy having with them when you're supposed to be sleeping.

Let me know if he cries.

Q: How much do you make hourly?

A: I can make anywhere from $10 to $40 an hour, depending on the number of calls I take, the length of the calls, and the location of the calls.

I get a higher commission on international calls. But since we had our reservation recognized as a sovereign nation, every call is technically international. My uncle thought of that. He's also the one who hired me. He's a pretty nice guy, but he can be kind of a dick when the Sooners lose.

All in all, it's a pretty good gig. The hours aren't bad, I don't have to worry about office politics because there's really no office, just a supply closet, and as long as I answer the phone by the fifth ring, my uncle won't throw a chair at my head. There's no benefits, but I make enough to make ends me, with enough left over to go out every once in a while and buy myself something nice. Last week, I bought a new Gucci bag. It's a knock off, but you can't tell. I love it!

So, do you want me to talk dirty now, or should I tell you some more shopping stories?