Q: If you think your wife is keeping secret how do you get it out her?

A: Call your wife on the phone from an undisclosed location. Mimic her mother's voice and say:

"Oh, dear, I seem to be kidnapped. They say they will release me only when you reveal any secrets you have kept from that dear, dear husband of yours. These kidnappers are wicked, awful, dangerous men. You best do as they say and tell Mommy the secrets."

Note: This plan only works if your wife's mother is still alive. If your wife's mother is deceased, try slipping sodium pentothol into her morning vodka.

Q: How many pictures were taken with the first camera?

A: Two.

The very famous View from the Window at Le Gras, by Joseph Nicephore Niepce, and the lesser known View down my Pants of Le Junk, also by Joseph Nicephore Niepce.

Q: What type of disc to you need to copy data from your computer?

A: You would need a CD-R, a DVD-R or some variation. If you have an older computer, like a really old one, you would need a 3 1/2" or 5 1/4" floppy disc.

Anyone of those would work.

What will not work is a disc made of stone.

I understand that your stone is very important to you, and to your people. I realize how many lives were lost in the battle of whatever to rescue your sacred stone from your hated rivals, whose nearly unpronounceable name escapes me. I think it's wonderful that your father, the chief, gave you the stone to protect you from evil spirits on your voyage to the New World.

I think it's rather adorable that you believe your stone holds the entire history of your tribe, all it's wisdom and knowledge.

However, there is something you must know.

What you believe is wrong.

Your stone is not magic.

It is just a stone. A stone with some writing on it. It is not compatible with any computer on campus.

Look, I'm not mad at you. I should have seen this coming.

When our scouts found you in the jungle, and saw you outrun a cheetah, and brought you back here to play wide receiver and return kicks, we knew there would be some cultural differences.

We thought you would be scared by our automobiles, or you'd play football barefoot, or something like that. We figured we'd all get a big laugh out of your clicking language.

We never expected you to destroy every computer on campus by trying to upload data from your magic stone.

You've done over four million dollars worth of damage. As Dean, I have no choice but to expel you.

Just as soon as we beat LSU and win the Cotton Bowl.

Q: How could a reader check to see if a writer did extensive authentic research prior to writing a nonfiction text?

A: You could check the bibliography, but I prefer a simpler method.

Look at the photograph of the author on the back of the dust jacket.

If the author looks serious and distinguished and professorial, he probably conducted extensive research.

If the author is giving you the finger, he probably has little respect for you and did minimal research.

If the author looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt, you can be sure that no research of any kind was done whatsoever.

Q: What sea creature swims backwards?

A: That would be the Nekrak, a distant cousin  of the Kraken.

It does everything backwards. Swims backwards. Eats backwards.

Instead of destroying ships deep at sea, the Nekrak carries them on it's back and makes sure they arrive safely at port.

Where the Kraken has never been seen by a man who has lived to tell the tale, the Nekrak can be seen all the time, by everyone, to an annoying degree.

It's always showing up unannounced, popping up in the back of photos, and "rescuing" people who are just going out for a swim. It will do anything for attention.

We're all rather sick of it at this point.

Don't wave. That just encourages it.