Q: Can a physical change can change an object into a different kind of matter?

A: It sure can.

Take your physical change, for instance.

When you were beautiful, I was a a completely engaged husband who hung on your every word and lived to make you happy.

Then your apartment building caught on fire.

Now that you're horribly scarred, I've become a disinterested husband wondering how long he has to wait to get a divorce before people judge him.

What was that, honey?

If I adjust your pillow, I might have to touch you. I can't put myself through that right now.

Press that button and call a nurse. Maybe the cute blonde will come.

At least one of us should be happy.

Q: Is sperm the largest constituent by volume of seminal fluid?

A: In most cases, yes.

By a substantial amount.

In your case, no.

To a puzzling degree.

Your seminal fluid mainly consists of microscopic warships from the Cat's Eye Nebula.

You should probably see a doctor.

I'm not a doctor.

I never said I was a doctor.

I just asked for your sperm sample.

You're a very trusting man.

Q: What do the codes on plastic containers mean?

A: What you call codes, we call labels.

For instance, this combination of letters and numbers is not a hidden message, but a word. 7-Up. It's a delicious and refreshing carbonated beverage, packaged in a plastic two liter bottle.

This container contains caramel popcorn. That's why the label says "Caramel Corn." Not a code. Nothing secret, but an explanation. You can read a label and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what's in the container.

This label says "Mayonnaise."

I bet I know what's in this container.

I bet it's mayonnaise.

Yup, I was right.

Mayonnaise.

The label told me the truth. That's what labels do. They tell the truth.

Now, can you guess what's in that container you're holding, the one with the hand written label that says "Mom's Ashes"?

That's a nice guess, but does it really taste like cake batter?

Guess again. Maybe without eating another spoonful first.

Q: How do you remove the dashboard of a Jeep Liberty?

A: I don't have the slightest idea. As far as I know, that thing never comes off.

No sir, there's no way there are any drugs hidden under there.

That powder is flour. I like to make cakes while I drive. It soothes me.

Is there some law about making cakes while driving?

Don't taste it! I don't use edible flour. I make show cakes. The flour contains poison. Poison, which I am told, that tastes almost exactly like cocaine. I wouldn't know myself. I don't do drugs. Users are losers, sir. I am not a loser.

No, I can't show you any cakes. My last one flew out the window.

Trust me, I'm as disappointed as you are.

Can I go now, Officer? I think you've wasted enough of my time with your ridiculous questions.

Q: How do you answer job interview question why we should not hire you?

A: The best response would show your humility, your awareness and your dedication.

On a recent job interview, I was asked the same question. I had prepared myself for such an event and gave the following answer:

"You wouldn't hire me because you feel that I am better than you in every way and you don't want me to outshine you, usurp your position, steal your friends and your wife, and live the life you've always dreamed.

Judging by these surveillance photos I have of you, taken on the 11th, 14th and 16th of November, that wouldn't be too hard.

Here you are crying, literally crying, into your beer at a T.G.I. Fridays while drinking all alone. Here you are freaking out behind the dumpster because you spilled coffee on your tie before an important meeting. Here you are failing to satisfy your wife in bed. She does not look happy. Nor surprised.

No wonder you feel so threatened by me. I understand why you wouldn't want to hire me, since you are such a failure as a manager, as a husband, and as a man. Not hiring me would be yet another in the endless line of mistakes you call a life, as detailed in these extensive interviews with you mother. "

You'll be surprised to hear that, despite my perfect answer, I did not get the job. Apparently McDonalds wanted to "go in a different direction" with their fry cooks.