Q: What is the name of the grid system used to plot points on a globe?

A: That's a proprietary device I invented, for use in planning world domination.

I call it the Dominatron 2120.

Everything's always named 2000 this or something 3000. I wanted to mix it up.

I have no intention of selling it. It's mostly for personal use.

As you can see, the grid fits nicely over any standard globe hologram.

The green triangles indicate my various subterranean lairs.

The red circles are cities where I control the government.

The blue squares show the deployment of my gorilla army.

The black hearts?

Those must be smudges.

Damn.

I thought I turned those off.

You weren't supposed to see them.

Okay, fine.

Those are the homes of girls who I fancied in high school and college.

Please don't write about that in your article.

I'd hate to lose the respect of the entire megalomaniac community.

They all do it for money and power. I just want to make some girls jealous.

Seriously, who wouldn't love a man who controls a whole gorilla army?

I mentioned that the gorillas ride on rhinos, right?

Make sure you put that in your article.

And make sure you send a copy to the Ithaca College Alumni Association. And the Mount Greylock Regional High School Facebook page.

Q: What parts of the pumpkin do you eat?

A: I don't eat any of it. I don't have any teeth. Or a jaw. Or a head. That's why I wear this pumpkin. Because I don't have a head.

This isn't a mask. It's a replacement head. It comes off. See?

I can throw it, to scare timid schoolteachers and such. Or to play tricks on friends. If I had any friends. It's hard to make friends when you're a centuries old Hessian solider cursed to travel the land and haunt the living. I try to make friends, but people usually get freaked out and run away. Because I don't have a head.

Honestly, this is the longest conversation I've ever had with someone.I'm not even sure how I am talking. I don't have a mouth. The mouth is part of the head. I don't have a head.

Headless, I am.

Yet somehow, I am able to talk. You're so easy to talk to. You're such a good listener. I think we could have something really special.

Soooo, what do you do when you're not hanging out in this field scaring away crows?

Q: What do the Miranda rights guarantee?

A: I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but you seem like a nice guy. You kind of remind me of me at that age.

You see that girl over there? That gorgeous redhead? The one with the legs that go all the way up and that chest that seems to have been sculpted by the hand of God himself?

That's Miranda.

If you tell me the truth about what happened, you have the right to have sex with her.

And she will do anything.

Anything.

She loves it.

Did I mention that she used to do porn?

But not for too long. She got kicked out, for being too freaky. The other girls couldn't compete, so they had her blacklisted.

So, why don't you start from the beginning?

Start by telling me why you chose to invade this particular home.

Q: What is a rabbit's classification?

A: Son, we classify rabbits as prey.

Or food.

Occasionally pets.

Not lovers.

Never lovers.

The phrase, "fuck like rabbits," refers to their ability to reproduce quickly, not their sexual prowess.

I guess we won't be having rabbit stew for dinner.

Q: Where do people get cigarettes?

A: You'll come to understand that life in here is much different than life on the outside. You can't just walk up to the corner store and buy a pack of cigarettes whenever you feel like it. There's no store, we don't have any money, and we can't come and go as we please.

Sometimes, it feels like a prison in here.

That's a little joke we all like to use. You'll find it funny eventually.

A lot of guys have their loved ones bring them cigarettes when they visit. That's okay.

That's probably going to be a problem for you, since you killed your whole family with that lawnmower. I wouldn't imagine the in-laws would be too excited to drop off a carton when they're in the area.

Other guys just take cigarettes from weaker inmates.You need to be really tough to pull that one off. Again, not really an option for you. If you could fight, you'd probably still have shoes, and a belt, and socks, and teeth.

There's one last scenario that might work for you. I have to admit, it's not fun. You'll need this lipstick. And this makeup. And this wig. And an ability to find a happy place.

The good news is that you're about to have a lot of cigarettes. You'll be showered with them. You'll also be showered with something else. Something far less appealing.

You might want to start trying to find that happy place now.