Q: How did the wise men learn of Jesus' birth?

A: The three wise men were the first private investigators in recorded history. They found out about the birth of the son of God through old-fashioned detective work, by searching for clues with a magnifying glass, roughing up suspects, paying off informants and observing human behavior. With their work completed, they set off on a series of hilarious misadventures.

After months spent wandering the desert, they received a message from their niece, Penny, who heard about the birth of Jesus from a friend and knew of his whereabouts. She also suggested they deliver gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh, instead of their original choices: lint, bandanas and coupons for back rubs.

Q: How much money does cars cost?

A: I have cars on this lot to fit any budget. But you, sir, you look like a man of discriminating tastes. A man of means. A man who requires a car with a little something extra. I have the perfect car for you.

Isn't she wonderful? That right there is a 1982 Pontiac Trans Am. Black. Sleek. Sexy. A guy came in here a while ago, real good-looking fella, bit down on his luck and I bought it from him. This car was mighty beat up, but I got in there, fixed her up real good. She's a fine piece of machinery. Sure, she's got nearly 300,000 miles on her, but those are freeway miles. This car's in tip top shape.

Want to see the best part? This car has some kind of early GPS computer inside. Now, it's not really good at giving directions, and it mostly whines and asks questions, mostly about some guy named Michael, but it really is a hoot. And let me tell you one thing: the ladies love it.

Especially the young ones. I guess the voice reminds them of some show called Boy Meets World or something. I don't know. I don't ask questions. I just sit back, relax and enjoy the loving. Boy, the things I've done in this car.

Obviously, I'll have the car detailed, free of charge, should you decide to buy it.

Q: What animal is nocturnal lives in the forest has a mask and fur?

A: Oh. I didn't realize you were up. Your father and I thought you were sound asleep.

You should be sound asleep. For at least six more hours. Didn't you eat all your ice cream?

Oh, it made you sick?

I told your father he put too much in.

Nothing. I was just talking to myself. About work stuff. Grown up stuff.

Oh, that. That wasn't an animal. Don't worry, Mommy is just fine. Perfectly okay.

Sometimes Mommy's and Daddy's grow tired of conventional ways of ... expressing their love for each other and need to find new ways. For instance, Daddy knows that I am a big fan of "Beauty and the Beast" so he ... Oh, nevermind.

You'll understand when you're older.

Okay, off  to bed!

Tonight, as a treat for being such a good little boy, I'll even let you watch TV in your bedroom. And you can turn it all the up, as loud as you want.

Q: Does homeowners insurance cover personal items that were stolen from another persons home?

A: Sometimes, yes.

In your case, no.

Your homeowners insurance simply does not cover the loss of your daughter's virginity.

And I don't think it was worth nearly as much as you claim.

She's been trying to give that thing away for years. I have a hard time believing it was even stolen.

Q: How many calories are in a piece of hard candy?

A: About 200 to 300, depending on the amount of sugar and the size of the candy.

There are no calories in that golf club. Gnaw on it all you want. You won't fat.

You continue to amaze me.

Most people would have stopped chewing once their teeth cracked. But you are not most people.

Most people would have stopped sniffing glue once they lost their family.

And their job.

And their home.

And their clothes.

But not you. You keep right on sniffing.

You really are a hero in the glue sniffing community. If any of us had the mental capability, we'd write a song about you.