Q: Why do you think you would like to enter the casino industry?

A: Well, that's a direct question, one that deserves a direct answer. You'll pardon my hesitation in providing the answer as I am working it over mentally to insure that I get it straight.

Just give me one second.

Okay. I'm going to be honest here. As you have done me the honor of being direct, I shall return the favor. I wasn't prepared to answer that question during the interview. If I may continue my candor, I wasn't prepared to answer any questions during this interview, except for possibly "When can you start?" and "How much do you want?" To be frank I didn't expect an interview at all.

With my skill set and resume and references and demeanor, dress, and appearance, I assumed I would be hired on sight, lavished with perks and immediately placed into a senior position within your casino. As you know, or at least should know, from reading my cover letter and resume, I have been wildly successful in many industries - energy, finance, real estate, branding, film, television,  Formula-1 racing - in multiple positions. All of my skills translate to your industry. I am the most qualified candidate you will ever meet. I am more qualified than you and everyone you report to and everyone they report to. Truthfully, I should be given the position of CEO or higher.

You find that funny? That makes you laugh? Well they laughed at me when I started digging for oil in the backyard of my elementary school, and they laughed at me when I invested all my money into a start up company that made high definition photographs look like Poloraids, and they laughed at me when I said my reality show, "Slowly Suffocating Housewives" would win a Nobel prize. You'll notice that no one is laughing now. I pay them not to. All of them. I am that rich. Some of them I pay to polish my Nobel prize. They are allowed to laugh, softly and to themselves on Thursdays in March.

Even though I have conquered every field, become captain of all industries, I have yet to achieve my true dream: to enter the casino industry, rise to the top through a combination of wits, cunning and treachery, and rule with an iron fist. If that statement sounds familiar, you might recognize it as the objective on my resume.

I'm starting to wonder if you even looked at it.

This dream to rule casinos is not a recent dream, no, nor a sudden fancy; it is a lifelong dream. As a child of eight, I watched my father spend a frenzied night in a casino, a casino much like yours. As the evening drew to a close, my father, pale, drunken, sweating, took his final chip from his pocket and sat down at a blackjack table. A chip and a chair, that's what they always say. That's all you need. He had that final chip. He had a chair, once he steadied himself on it. He had the dream. All he needed was one hand, to win one hand. One would become two, two three and soon, in moments, he would be back on top, back in the game. But it was not to be. The dealer informed him that this table had a $100 minimum, and my father's chip was of insufficient value. I'll never forget the look on his face as he slumped away from the table, put his arm around me, and led us back to our luxury suite.

Since then I have dreamed of a day when I could reclaim my father's honor and humiliate every casino employee in sight. Parking spots will disappear over night. Uniform requirements will change hourly. One week I will announce that, in an effort to appeal to our disabled customers, only dealers and pit bosses who willingly amputate a limb will be kept on. The next week I will fire everyone who can't juggle. Their lives will be hell. They will know, trust me they will know, what it feels like to be helpless, truly helpless. They will understand what they did to my father.

Now I realize that's quite a lot to write on your little questionnaire. If you need to keep it short, you can just write "revenge."

Sooooo ... When can I start?