Q: Can you commit suicide with antibiotic pills?

A: I take antibiotics to fight my bronchitis. They'll make me better in now time. I have no intention of killing myself. I'm going to be around for a long time.

You seem disappointed. Actually, that makes a lot of sense.

I've begun to notice how you always mention how the wood beams in my ceiling look strong.  "Strong enough for a man to hang himself," you always say with a wink and a smile and a nudge in the ribs. I'm beginning to understand your meaning. And your yearly Christmas gift: enrollment in a noose-making class. Always thought that was a gag gift.

Then there's those scrapbooks you make, full of picture after picture of my ex-girlfriends, with your little handwritten notes  like "She looks better than ever," and "Her new boyfriend probably packs a big one," and "You'll probably never be as happy as when you were with her. What's the point of living?" I assumed they were some sort of dry joke that I just didn't get.  I might have been wrong.

You have been encouraging me to have a lot of "bath toast" lately, which can't possibly be a real thing no matter how many fake websites you send me as proof. I suspect you created those websites. Every one is a GeoCities site. That's clue number one.

Clue number two is you sign your own name.

I thought you were my friend. Why would you want me to kill myself?

Oh.

I guess having an awesome eulogy is as good a reason as any.