Q: What is sentence figments?

A: They are sentences that do not exist in the book you are reading, or the movie you are watching, or the statement you are hearing, but exist solely in your own head. They are fake sentences. Not real.

When looked you up from The Scarlet Letter, with a look of befuddlement and asked, "Why doesn't Hester Prynne use her cloak of invisibility anymore?" that was a result of a sentence figment. Hester Prynne doesn't have a cloak of invisibility. You imagined it.

When you turned to me as we left a screening of The Dark Knight and said "I liked the part when Batman played space football," that was a sentence figment. At no point during that movie, nor any other Batman movie, nor any other movie, has Batman played space football. You imagined it.

When you looked at me, tears in your eyes, a smile on your face, your cheeks flush and your heart beating, and said "Yes! Yes! For the love of God, Yes! I will marry you," that was a sentence figment. I never asked you to marry me. I asked you to leave my apartment before I called the cops. We broke up two years ago. I date your sister now. I did not propose to you. You imagined it.

Seriously, stop looking for a ring. I think I have been pretty clear.

Q: How many calories in a teaspoon of maple syrup?

A: That's a ladle.

Your fifth one so far.

There are many ways you can win back your girlfriend. Setting a world record for "Getting Diabetes" does not top the list.

If you keep eating like that, and keep crying like that, you will soon cry nothing but maple syrup. Sweet, sticky, delicious maple syrup.

If I start licking your face, you only have yourself to blame.

Q: Why the moon look the same form every place on earth?

A: First of all, it's day time. That's not the moon. That's the sun. And it looks different all the time. Every time I look up at it, the sun looks different.

You have been staring up at it an awful lot lately. Every time I see you, you're staring up at the sun and muttering to yourself. Maybe your vision has been affected. Let's find out.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Okay, let's try again. Perhaps I startled you.

How many fingers am I holding up?

Moon is not a number.

And I'm over here.

Q: When you cut the tree down the roots will live on and continue to move?

A: Yes. Yes, of course.

Even though we chopped down the tree and chopped it apart, the tree remains very much alive.

I would never kill that tree, not after everything it gave you. I know how much that tree means to you.

When you were younger, it gave you branches on which to swing, and shade in which to sit and apples to eat. When you got older, it even gave you branches to build a small house. Remember when you had that small house? Why did you even need that thing?

Oh, I remember. I made you sleep outside that summer. In my defense, you were crying a lot and I had a stressful time at my job. I was able to sleep better with you you out of the house. Whatever happened to that tree?

I remember. I burned it down. In my defense, you were spending far too much time in there, and my new wife, your second Mommy, Mommy 2,  was getting really creeped out. She wouldn't do certain things, things  that a man needs, until you came back in the house. Burning down that little, creepy fort seemed the only way to go. I stand by that decision. You cried a lot that day. I probably shouldn't have made you watch me burn it down. I probably shouldn't have taunted you as much, too. You really were attached to that little house.

That tree has given you so much. Now it's given you the greatest gift of all: enough lumber for your father to make a boat where he can have sex with interns without Mommy 2 knowing.

You should give that tree a hug, son. Dig around in the dirt a bit. There must be something left down there.

Q: What is the process that makes the cell swell?

A: The overcrowding process.

By filling the cells with criminals, all kinds of criminals, from arsonists to murderers to rapists to white collar criminals, we overcrowd the cells, causing the cell walls to swell and strain, but hopefully not buckle. We wouldn't want the cells to break and the criminals to escape. We wouldn't be doing our jobs as prison guards.

Not that these jobs pay particularly well. That's we we have to overcrowd so many of the cells in the first place, to leave other cells empty. We make money on the empty cells, by renting them out to reality shows set in prisons.

Now cram the rest of block D into that cell. FOX has a new show called Celebrity Shanking and they need a location.