Q: What are small rocky planets close to the sun called?

A: Those are not small rocky planets. They are small rocks. They are not orbiting any sun. They are flying at and bouncing off my son Carl.

Please stop throwing rocks at Carl.

I don't see how any of this is science.

The lab coats prove nothing.

Q: Does Coke Zero contain wheat?

A: Let me check my notes. Coke Zero contains carbonated water, aspartame, caramel color, phosphoric acid, potassium benzoate to protect taste, natural flavors, citric acid and caffeine.

I don't see wheat anywhere. Are you sure you're allergic to gluten and nothing else? There's no other reason your face and neck are swelling?

Are you sure?

Wait, I see what's going on. There's a second page of notes.

Ah, yes, in addition to the previously mentioned ingredients, Coke Zero also contains chlorine, bayou water, rice, wheat - there you go - assorted meat fats, unnatural flavors, and finely ground pieces of broken glass to promote quick inclusion in the blood stream.

At this time I would like to draw your attention to the Coke Zero sign on my food truck. You will notice that says Coke Zero with the number '0' and not Coke Zero with the word 'Zero' spelled out. I even drew a line through the zero and everything, so you wouldn't think I was selling something called Coke O.

I would also like to draw your attention to the sign beneath it that says 'All food and beverages consumed at your own risk.' You will notice the word 'beverages' is underlined for emphasis.

You will also notice the sign beneath it that says "No Refunds."