Q: What is a traditional northern New York recipe for mashed potatoes?

A: You will need:

5 pounds potatoes
4 tablespoons butter
1 cup heavy cream
1.75 liters scotch
24 cans Coors Light
salt and pepper

Bring salted water to boil in a pot. Add potatoes and cook until tender, about 20 minutes. Drain the potatoes.

Mix the potatoes with a potato masher or electric beater. Mix in the cream and butter until the potatoes are smooth and creamy. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Drink the scotch, straight from the bottle, to cope with the with your bleak existence in Upstate New York.

The beer is for the college girls. Remember to invite them.

Q: Should you pop a zit that is not fully formed yet?

A: You should never pop a zit. It's bad for the skin.

What you have on your neck, however, is not a zit, but a parasitic twin. We knew we'd have to tell you the truth someday, but my mother and I always assumed that time would have been years ago. We never thought you'd  go through your entire childhood, junior high, high school, college, law school, six years in the North Dakota State Senate, 8 years in the U.S. House of Representatives, and four years as Governor of North Dakota without noticing that enormous, throbbing growth on your neck.

It never occurred to us that you would notice your parasitic twin, for the first time, four minutes before your final Presidential debate. That's just bad timing.

So, no, don't pop it. The psychic damage would be unbearable.

But don't listen to it, either. It's far too passionate about funding for the arts. Nobody wants to hear about that during a Presidential election.

Q: Can a ant eat a elephant?

A: No, not all by himself. But an ant can eat a part of an elephant.

What one ant can do, another can do.

Say it with me: What one ant can do, another can do. You can eat part of an elephant. I can eat part of an elephant. Each one of us can eat part of an elephant. If we work together, stay strong, keep fighting, we can eat the whole damn thing. Then we won't have to rebuild a new hill every three days.

Now some of you have suggested that we move. Some of you disagreed with my decision to settle here in this elephant sanctuary. But here we are. Here, we make our stand. This is not the time to cut and run. This is the time to stand and fight. With our mouths.

I'm going to eat that elephant.

What one ant can do another can do.

I'm going to eat that elephant.

Say it with me!

I'm going to eat that elephant.

I'm going to eat that elephant.

I'm going to eat that elephant!

All right! Here he comes. Get ready. We'll attack in waves. The first wave will consist of all the adult males and unattractive females. The second wave will consist of all the attractive females. I will stay behind to lead the second wave into battle once you have weakened the elephant.

Or, should the first wave prove disastrous, I will provide comfort to all your widows and adult daughters. Whatever comfort they need, for as long as they need it.