Sunday, January 2, 2011

Q: How does reproduction decreases when survival changes decrease also?

A: Constant fear of zombie attack makes it difficult to maintain an erection. But that doesn't mean we can't try.

Your husband isn't coming back to life. Well, he is, but only briefly, then we'll have to bash him in the head with this shovel.

How many times do I have to apologize? I thought he was already a zombie. I was protecting you. He moved like a zombie. He sounded like a zombie. How am I suppose to know that he walks in his sleep?

Are you going to take your pants off or what?

Q: What was found from King-Tut that belongs to him?

A: He's looking for a jewel stolen from his tomb, a jade ring, the size of a fist.

It looks like, well it looks like that ring you have on your shelf.

Exactly like this ring.

Have you had this the whole time?

That mummy has killed 43 people over the past two days, all because of this ring.

I don't care how high the bids are on eBay, we have to give it back to him.

Your mother would be ashamed of you right now, if she hadn't been ripped to pieces by that angry mummy.

Q: What does the anatomy of a helicopter look like?

A: There are these legs on the bottom that help it land. Above that, there is this dome type thing, with a tail. It kind of looks like a teardrop. On top of the teardrop are two enormous, whirling blades. There are also two such blades, smaller ones, at the back of the teardrop. Beneath those blades, you will find the remains of your husband.

Sorry about that. The horseplay got out of hand.

Q: What are the five etiquette rules regarding email?

A: 1.) When consoling a friend on the untimely death of his wife or child, never begin the message with the word "Congratulations!"

2.) Emails should not be written in all caps, unless you have important news, such as the presence of cake in the conference room.

3.) If the title of your message promises a way to add three inches to someone's penis, the body of the message better deliver.

4.) Angry, vindictive emails written moments after a break up and sent to everyone in your address book are always encouraged. People want to know the real you. Please include photos when applicable.

5.) If your email includes a forwarded picture of a naked woman, please include a warning in your subject line. Either the standard NSFW (Not Safe For Work) or the more descriptive TOAS! (Tits Of A Stranger!)

Q: When do scientists plan to launch somebody to Mars?

A: I'm going to assume that question is some kind of joke, some kind of cruel, insensitive joke.

Moments ago, I gave an in-depth explanation of how the rocket, carrying a team of super-intelligent robots designed to prepare the atmosphere of Mars for human exploration, exploded on the launch pad, killing the robots. Despite their lack of human souls and human organs, we considered these robots essentially family. The blast also took the lives of  dozens of actual human scientists and rocket engineers, people we have known for years. We all lost a lot of people we care about today. Excuse me if I get a little emotional.

I then went on to explain that, due to this tragic loss, we have suspended the Mars program indefinitely and will not be sending anyone, neither robots, nor chimps, nor humans anywhere close to Mars for the foreseeable future.

Now, either you did not listen, or you are simply some kind of asshole. Either way, I will tolerate such behavior.

Oh, I see.

I have just been informed that you missed the press conference, Mr. President, due to sudden war in the Balkans. I apologize. Allow me to start from the beginning.

As long as man has known of the existence of Mars, he has had a dream to visit the Red Planet. Today that dream suffered a tragic setback ...

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook