Q: Do Beta Bites get too old to feed to your beta?

A: Real Beta Bites are loaded with chemicals. They last forever.

Now, I'm not a detective (legally) but I have noticed a few clues that make me suspect that your so-called "Beta Bites" are not, in fact, real Beta Bites

Clue Number One: The bottle. Real Beta Bites come in a factory-sealed, and more importantly, factory-made bottle, with a factory-made label. Your "Beta Bites" come in an old Advil bottle with the words "Bayta" and Bitez"  scrawled on the side in crayon.

Clue Number Two: The food. Real Beta Bites contain tiny flakes of fish food. Your "Beta Bites" contain large chunks of flesh, flesh that looks suspiciously like thumbs, suspiciously like the thumbs of your missing neighbor.

Clue Number Three: The fish. When Fighting Fish eat Beta Bites, they grow and thrive and live a long time. Your Fighting Fish died. I can only assume - again, not a detective (legally) - that they choked to death on chunks of thumb.

Clue Number Four: The water. Real Beta Bites cloud the water. The water in your aquarium is so clear, I can see everything  - from the sunken castle to the coral to the severed head of your missing neighbor resting on the bottom of the tank.

Clue Number Five: The gun in your hand. You have to ask yourself, "Would a man in possession of real Beta Bites need to pull a gun on a pet store owner/ amateur detective to prove the validity of said Beta Bites?" Probably not.

Clue Number Six: The bullet lodged in my spleen. I hate to jump to conclusions, but pulling the trigger and shooting me does make you seem like you have something to hide.

Clue Number Seven: When you shot me, you said "Those Beta Bites aren't real, sucker!" Pretty damning.

Clue Number Eight: I need to sit down.

Clue Number Ni...

Q: Do you have to be in school to be able to act?

A: Anyone can act! Even you!

You need the discipline to hone your craft, the passion to pursue your dream, the ability to project your emotions and the courage to be vulnerable.

Above all else, you need to believe in yourself.

Of course, you also need to be attractive. That one's pretty obvious. People - complete strangers with awful, back-breaking jobs and loveless marriages and terrible, bitter lives filled with compromise and regret and heartbreak - will look at you, for hours on end, watching your lips move and your eyes dance and your face break into a smile. The last thing they want to see is someone who looks like them.

What I'm trying to say is that we're going in a different direction for the role of Romeo. We're looking for someone the ladies in the audience want to sleep with, not press charges against.

I'm sure we can find something for you. Every play needs trees.

Q: How do you get rid of tan?

A: I have no idea. We've tried everything.

We stopped paying him weeks ago. He didn't leave.

We pumped mustard gas into his office every day at lunch. He didn't leave.

We replaced all his office furniture with rabid badgers and fire ants. He didn't leave.

We shot him in the knee, dragged him from the building, threw him in the trunk of a car, drove him to the desert, beat him with baseball bats, buried him in a shallow grave and left him for dead. The next day, there he was, back in his office, wearing his gas mask, fighting off badgers with one hand, scratching himself raw with the other, perusing expense reports the whole time. He just doesn't get it. He just won't leave.

At some point we're going to have to face the fact the Jeff Tan isn't leaving until we call him into our office, look him in the eye, and tell him he's fired.

Not it.