Q: How do you get rid of small cuts and scratches on skin fast?

A: There's no easy way to get rid of them.

The scars will last forever. Even if I can't see them, I will still know they are there.

I'm going to have to start from scratch, and make a whole new suit of flesh.

Damn!

I was so close to being a real lady.

I guess I'm going to need a lot more big, old, fat women.

And a whole bunch of lotion.

Q: What steps would you need to take to get a job in Retail?

A:  There's no one right way to get a job in retail, but here are some helpful do's and do-not's to help guide you in your job search.

DO fill out your application as legibly as possible. Use black pen, or even better, type your answers.

DO NOT fill out your application in blood. No one is impressed by how legible you can write in blood.

DO try to meet the manager when you drop off your application. Shake his hand and introduce yourself while making good eye contact.

DO NOT threaten the manager. Or the assistant manager. Or the customers. Or mall security. Yes, they are not real cops, but you don't have to constantly remind them.

DO show up for your interview on time, well groomed and dressed professionally.

DO NOT show up for your interview on time, dressed as a professional wrestler, no matter how long it took you to make your Ultimate Warrior costume.

DO call upon your personal work experience to answer hypothetical questions during the interview.

DO NOT start every answer with the phrase "That reminds me of an episode of Bang Bus ..."

DO follow up the interview with a thank you note or email.

DO NOT follow up the interview with a ransom note.

DO keep trying if you fail to secure the first job you seek.

DO NOT get discouraged and begin a life of crime. There are better jobs out there than retail, such as every other job in the world.

Q: What is the best and worst pony to buy?

A: Lightning Bug here is the best pony in my entire stable. He's strong and tough and brave.

He'll ride all through the night and lead you to water the next day.

Damndest thing I ever saw. He has a nose for it, I guess.

Yes, you can't go wrong buying Lightning Bug.

As far as the worst pony, I would have to say that would be Blue McGee.

He's been dead for a while now. Even the flies are sick of him.

Q: What is the density of eastern cedar?

A: Eastern cedar is pretty dense.

Not as dense as oak, or cherry, but it will do.

I wasn't planning on having to bury so many people today.

You kind of caught me by surprise.

I usually only bury the dead.

But this is your Kill Bill 2 Fantasy Camp, not mine.

If you want to suddenly bury all your clients in coffins made of Eastern cedar, that's up to you.

I hope you collected the money up front.

Q: How many centres of gravity a body has?

A: Just the one.

Oh. I see.

When I said one, I assumed your head was attached to your body.

But it is not attached.

It's on the ground.

Your head. On the ground. Next to your body.

I guess that gives you two centers of gravity.

How do you do that?

It seems you have stopped talking.

And fallen over.

If you don't mind, I'm going to use your head like a soccer ball.

I've always wanted to do that.