Q: Can you list all of the Mark Twain quotes?

A: Of course I can. What kind of stupid question is that. Everyone knows I'm, like, the biggest Mark Twain fan in the entire freaking world. I named my two kids Huck and Tom. My annual budget for wigs and moustache bleach rivals the GDP of most Third World countries. My Facebook, Twitter, Gmail, ATM, and home security passwords are all same: Clemens. As in Samuel Clemens. As in Mark Twain's real name. I'm pretty sure I can list all his quotes. In fact, I guarantee I could.

You want me to do it now?

Oh. Okay.

Do you mind if I log on the computer for a second? I have this terrible tickle in my throat and I want to check WedMD. I might have shingles.

I'm not going to Google "Mark Twain quotes." That would be cheating, and, like I said, I have no reason to cheat because I am the world's biggest Mark Twain fan who may or may not be dying of shingles.

Incidentally, do you know that you're using the word quote incorrectly? Quote is a verb, as in, "May I quote you on that, Senator?" What you want to say is quotation. Do I know all the Mark Twain quotations?

I'm not stalling. I'm correcting your syntax. Most people are thankful for that. You don't have to get all defensive and start yelling at me and making a scene. You should have more consideration for my condition. I could have shingles.

Okay, all the quotes. Every single one. Do you want them chronologically or by subject or anything?

Doesn't matter? Okay, here we go. All the Mark Twain quotes.

Um, let's see ... There's the one about writing: "Write without pay until someone offers to pay. If nobody offers pay within three years, the candidate may look upon this circumstance with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he was intended for." One of my yearbook quotes. Most people forget the second part, but not me, because my brain is literally bursting with Twain knowledge. Literally. Bursting. You can see the stretch marks right here. Although, that might be the shingles. I really ought to check WedMD.

I'm seriously not stalling. Listing every Mark Twain quote is the easiest thing in the world. Why would I stall?

Fine. I'll keep going. Despite the pain. Here we go, every Mark Twain quote.

There's ... Um ... There's ... Wow, there's so many. They're all kind of running together in my head ... I could use a coffee.

Not stalling.

Okay, yes, yes, I have it. His famous quote about gambling:  "Ever play Roulette? Always bet on black."

Well I first heard it from Mark Twain. It's not my fault if some Hollywood movie steals his material without credit.

I have shingles.