Q: Why is not day all over the world at the same time?

A: You have angered the Sun Gods. They will not shine on you again unless you follow their rules.

First, you must forfeit all your material possessions. You don't have to go all crazy with it and give everything to charity or set it all on fire. Packing everything into small, light boxes and leaving  them at your neighbor's door will suffice. Your neighbor North of you, not the other guy. Giving anything to your neighbor to the South will only anger the Sun Gods more.

Second, you're going to have to show loyalty to the Sun Gods in the form of a sacrifice. Again, there's no reason to overdo this. The Sun Gods don't expect you to sacrifice your children or your wife or anything. A few cows will do, as long as they are well butchered, free of fat and grilled to a temperature of 125 degrees.  Once you've sacrificed the tender filets, leave them on a table in your backyard. The Sun Gods will help themselves.

Third, no matter what you hear coming from the backyard, you must never leave your house. The Sun Gods are shy and vengeful. They quickly anger at the sight of man. The sight of women is a different story. Feel free to send out your wife and attractive adult daughters and their friends. But be warned, the Sun Gods hate the sound of human clothing. It would be best for the sake of humanity that the women arrive naked. And slightly tipsy. Sober, uptight humans ask too many questions of the Sun Gods. Too many questions make the sun explode.

Fourth, you must trust what I have told you. I speak on behalf of the Sun Gods. Few know of their existence. The world is full of cynics and skeptics who will insist that the Sun Gods don't exist. Do not believe these people. They are merely jealous of your relationship with the divine. You will be able to spot them easily. They will approach slowly, with concern in their voice, trying to convince you that my voice is not coming from the Mystic Plains of Light and Thunder but from a speaker embedded in your walls. While the Sun Gods frown on human sacrifice for the purpose of proving loyalty they do condone the murder of heretics. But they will not condone said murder if you own your home. Some of these ancient religions are a little weird like that. Just to be safe, you better sign over the deed to a complete stranger. Someone completely random, like, oh, your neighbor.

North side.

Q: How do kids feel if they can't bring their phone to school?

A: Angry. Really, really angry. Often to the point of violence. If not that, at least yelling. Load, constant yelling that goes on for hours.

Kids rely on their phones. For today's youth a phone is more than a status symbol. It's a best friend. A buddy. Someone to cheer you up when you're feeling maudlin. Someone to remind you that you are not alone, by showing you naked pictures of internet celebrities. Someone to use as collateral to prevent a beating in the locker room. Those kids, the ones who make friends with the phone, those kids yell.

The kids who get angry are the kids who see their friend as more than a friend. They see their phone as an employee. They don't want their phone. They need it. Drugs may sell themselves, but not if potential buyers can't reach you.

There are a lot of opportunities to sell drugs for the modern high school student. Because teachers are sad. And they do a whole lot of self-medicating.