Q: How do you find the ghost in Skullduggery Island?

A: Yeah, about that ...

Here's the thing, when your Mom divorced me, I was awarded joint custody. I really would have preferred a custody system based on my mood, my dating prospects, and my interest in that weekend's slate of televised games. But I was overruled. As I result, I get you every other weekend, for the whole weekend, regardless of my own plans.

An old friend of mine was in town this weekend, someone who had been through a tough time. Newly divorced, wondering where she went wrong, full of self-doubt. Vulnerable. When you're older you'll understand a girl like that will do anything to feel loved. And I mean anything.

The last thing I needed was some kid hanging around, laughing and smiling, cheering her up and making her think that maybe her problems aren't so bad. Plus, the 2257 laws forbid the presence of children near an adult film set.

I needed you out of here and I needed you out of here quick. I made up some nonsense about that island in the park being an ancient pirate burial ground full of treasure and ghosts, knowing your quest would take all weekend and end with disappointment.  Along the way, I taught you a valuable lesson about trust.

Don't trust anyone.

There's no need to cry, son. I'll make it up to you the next time you visit. I hear there's a cabin deep in the woods that was built by some sort of eccentric chocolatier. Legend says it's full of candy and sweets and all the treats a boy could want. I'll go out there with you as soon as you get here.

I promise.

Q: Are there schools to study swordsmanship in America?

A: If you yearn to be a master swordsman able to vanquish your foes with a flick of the wrist and a thrust of the arm, look no further than Dan T. Chesterfield Swordfighting and Hazardous Waste Disposal Academy. located behind the condemned K-Mart on US-42. right next to the pile of screaming babies. If your nostrils burn of sulfur, your skin tingles, and your clothes are melting, you're in the right place.

At the Dan. T. Chesterfield Swordfighting and Hazardous Waste Disposal Academy, or the DTCSHWDA for short - we pronounce it Ditschwada, kind of like "dish water", but, you know, with a "t" in there - at DTCSHWDA you'll study under some of the world's greatest swordsmen from Japan, Spain and Italy, many of who still have all their facilities and barely suffer from any of the long term effects associated with exposure to radiation and toxic waste.

Thanks to our method of round the clock teaching, you'll be able to spin, counter, dodge, parry and thrust in now time, or die trying. (The Dan T. Chesterfield Swordfighting and Hazardous Waste Disposal Academy is not liable for any all deaths resulting from sword fights, sword cleaning, sword swallowing, sword dodging, sword catching, sword juggling, sword diving, or exposure to chemicals know to cause cancer in the state of Iowa.)

Upon arrival to DTCSHWDA, our experienced staff will steal all your belongings, beat you senseless, and cut off your ear. If you happen to bring along a mother or girlfriend to wish you well, she will be abducated and forced to wear revealing clothes, but nothing too slutty, as the Dan T. Chesterfield Swordfighting and Hazardous Waste Disposal Academy is a family friendly environment.

Once your possessions have been stolen, your will broken, your body bloody and beaten, you will have one goal in mind: Revenge. We willl hand you a sword and our faculty of award-winning swordsmen or waste disposal technicians (sometimes the swordsmen call in sick) will help you learn the skills required to slay your foe, save your wife, mother or vintage tee, and restore the honor to your family.

Our grading policy is simple: If you gain revenge, you pass. If you fail, you fail. Failure will result in immediate expulsion from the academy and forfeiture of any and all trophies, monies, clothes, pets, spouses, and mothers.

Tuition costs $5,000 and we accept anyone who can pay.

So, do you care to enroll?

Most people say "No" at first. Why don't you stick around awhile, breathe in some of the fumes and reconsider?