Q: What are assets when applying for a loan?

A: Items of value that you own, which the bank can take should you fail to honor your agreement.

For something to be considered an asset, it must have actual value and be something you actually own.

The players on your Fantasy Football team are not assets. I understand that you are league champion for three years running, and the roster has great sentimental value, but you do not own any of these players. They don't work for you, they are not under contract to you, they don't report to you, they don't even know you exist.

Oh, dear.

Sir, if you could compose yourself.

Would you like a tissue? Do you need a moment?

I assumed you were aware of the true nature of fantasy sports. The word "fantasy" right there, at the start, might have been a hint. Fantasy, as in "not real," as in "imagined." Fantasy. In a pretend world that exists only in your head, you control the lives of these players. They play for real teams who pay them real money in a real stadium full of real people. You have nothing to do with any of that.

Please, sir, I have no interest in seeing printouts of your league statistics. Yes, I see that you have won many games. And if you could buy a house with nothing but good will and pats on the back from co-workers and "Attaboys," then you would absolutely qualify for a loan.

However, houses cost money, real money, of which you have none. All you have is a sheet after sheet of paper full of imaginary numbers with no correlation to real life. Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself for wasting my time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some calls to make. The market tumbled unexpectedly today and my stock portfolio took quite a hit. I need to get my broker on the phone and figure out what's going on.

Q: What happens to the fish when a river floods?

A: They come right to you, right up on the land, right up to your front door; sometimes, if you've planned well enough, and the flood severe enough, they come right into the frying pan. You won't have to spend another second wading into the water, the muck slipping into your boots, your hands filthy with worm guts, waiting, waiting for hours in the hopes of catching one fish, two if you're lucky, all to please that horrible wife of yours - the one who's sister you should have married when you had the chance - your wife with her "delicate system" who can only digest fish, fresh fish, fresh freshwater fish. Trout mostly. She loves trout.

Well, she's about to get all the trout she can handle. Trout for days. That river will be flooded in no time, the fish crawling into the streets, literally knocking at our door.

Now, handle me that other stick of dynamite. I hope we brought enough. From a distance, this dam seemed small and feeble. Up close, it's larger and sturdier than I imagined. No time for second guessing. We've come this far.

All right, let's move over by that car, some place a little safer. Charges are set, everything appears to be ready. Floaties inflated?

Good. It looks like we've thought of everything. On the count of three, blow the damn thing.

One ...
Two ...
You should hold your breath. Things are about to get mighty wet.
Three!

Q: What national park has the highest suicide rate?

A: Black Canyon of the Gunnison in Colorado, beating out the Badlands of South Dakota by a nose.


The nose in question belonged to a morbidly obese lad of 19 who, no doubt depressed at the thought of spending his life alone and unloved, shot himself with a 12 gauge shotgun on the edge of the Badlands. The bullet tore his skull apart and sent his nose flying 34 feet into the parking lot. As such, the suicide is not considered to have taken place inside the park, giving Black Canyon the win!


Better luck next year, Badlands. 

Q: What types of books do people love best?

A: Books that reinforce their world view, and offer the shallowest of insights into the nature of life and humanity. Often, these books have vampires. Or wizards. Or lawyers.

Q: What was the cause of the monkey becoming endangered?

A: They burned down the trees and ruined the land, and still the monkey survived.

They poisoned the bananas and drained the seas, and still the monkey survived.

They developed new weapons, brought in the best hunters, and still the monkey survived.

When all looked lost, when it had nowhere else to go, I let the monkey hide in my home, like a member of the family, safe from the predators, safe from the hands of man.

The monkey played with my children. The monkey ate from my fridge. The monkey played in my yard. All was well.

The monkey unlocked the door to my study. The monkey soiled my comic books. The monkey deleted all the shows on my DVR.

Now the monkey must die.

Q: How long can a human live without water but with food and other drinks?

A: A human being can live up to two years subsisting on nothing but a diet of cookie dough and maple syrup and  I have the scientific data to prove it.

By scientific data, I mean my cousin, Mitch, who has been locked in my basement for the past two years. Every couple of weeks I toss down a package of cookie dough and a couple quarts of syrup. I can assure you he's very much alive. I heard him moving around last night.

Fine, if you insist on being obstinate, I will show you. Step back, he may charge when I open the door. He didn't exactly volunteer for my experiment and has threatened to kill me many times.

Let me see, which key is it? There we go. And voila!

Okay, Mitch, you can come out.

Mitch!

Mitch?

Oh dear God.

Earlier claims I made about the ability of humans to live on a diet of maple syrup and cookie dough may have been false. However, it does appear that cockroaches can thrive on such a diet, as long as it's mixed in with the right amount of corpse.

Q: Does having a longer jump rope affect the way you jump?

A: If I had a shorter jump rope, say, one made for toddlers, I wouldn't be able to swing down from the roof, crash through the second floor window, surprise the terrorists and save the elementary school. With a rope that short, I'd only be able to dangle over the edge, my feet weakly kicking at the glass, doing nothing but drawing the attention of the terrorists to the window, giving them ample time to aim, fire and shoot me dead, leaving the elementary school unsaved.

Thankfully, I found this larger rope. Those terrorists won't know what hit them. The next time they think about invading an elementary school, holding the students hostage and demanding an exorbitant ransom, they'll think twice. I bet it never occurred to them that the Federal government has spent the past seven years training little people to pose as children in the event of such a terrorist attack. Congress laughed at the plan, as did the Press, as did every citizen who heard about it. Who's laughing now?

If you could, please give my beanie a spin. I think it will look cool if me beanie spins when I crash through the window. I'll need every advantage I can get. Congress slashed the funding for the Tiny AntiTerror Initiative this past year. Aside from the element of surprise, I have no actual weapons.

Wish me luck!

Q: Is it better if a husband and wife both apply for a vehicle loan or?

A: Or what?

Or what?

What do you mean to say? Or, "is it better if the wife were to ... disappear, leaving the husband free to go about his life without having to deal with the cursed tyranny of marriage?"

Is that what you're trying to say? Do you want me to murder your wife? Or have someone murder your wife? I know people, as you must know, otherwise you wouldn't have come to me, made such a suggestion.  I can have something like that arranged, if that is what you want.

Is that what you want?

Blink once for yes, twice for no.

That was eight blinks. That was no help.

Are you even listening?

I don't understand your code. The seizing up and falling to the floor makes it seem like you are saying "Yes," but what does the sudden, extreme paleness mean? And why are you clutching your left arm? Am I to bill you for this service? That's not how these things work.

I can't understand a word you're saying. You're going to have to speak more clearly and without so much spittle. Those grunts are barely decipherable. Now you're just being insulting.

Listen, if this is some kind of game to you, I am not enjoying it. I am a busy man and I don't have time for your silly little shows. If you want your wife dead, send me a letter. If you want a loan, you can come back tomorrow and fill out the paperwork. If you'll excuse me, I have to go to my son's soccer game.

You're going to have to get off the floor. You can't sleep here.

Sir, get up. Get. Up.

My patience has worn thin.

Q: What is the age when you eventually start losing your memory?

A: It varies, depending on your health, your diet, your history of substance abuse, your proximity to industrial solvents and your family's history of mental illness.

No matter the age, however, most people lose their memory, gradually, over time, not all at once, on the witness stand, the moment the prosecutor begins his line of questioning.

It seems a bit ... phony.

Don't try eating your tie. No one buys it. And the deadline to file for an insanity defense has long passed.

Just pay the jaywalking ticket, get on with your life, and stop wasting this court's time.

Q: What would a diviner not do?

A: Generally, and I'm more saying this as a suggestion, not as a rule, a diviner would not poke your eye out with his stick. Sorry, with his "Divining Rod."

But, as they say, accidents do happen.

As I am sure you are all well aware.

We can spend all afternoon pointing fingers and assigning blame and making wild statements about the legality of a college student posing as a diviner to make a few extra dollars to pay for books and weed - mostly weed - or we can use that energy, put our heads together, and figure out how to fix your son's eye.

I say we cram it back in there. Now, in full disclosure, much like I am not a diviner - which I should have disclosed earlier - I am not a doctor. I am however pre-med. And I say we shove that sucker back in the socket, wrap some gauze around his head, sedate him, and call it a day. 

I study cinema.

I could go to medical school. There's no law against it.

Are we going to stand here all day and argue semantics? Or, are we going to try and save the boy's sight?

Good.

We should sedate him first. His screams make it really hard to concentrate. Does anyone have any morphine? Okay. Then, does anyone have a bong? How about an apple? Or a Coke can?

Wow, you guys must be a barrel of fun on the weekends.

All right, hand me that rock, I'll knock him out.

Okay, boy, stop flailing, this will only take a sec -

Oops.

What are the chances I hit the other eye? That's, like, one in a million.

You have to admit, it's kind of funny.

And horribly tragic.

On the bright side, his other senses will get a lot stronger.

I assume you are familiar with the story of Daredevil.

Q: What are some famous quotes by scientist Matthias Jakob Schleiden?

A: "Who are you?"

"What are you doing in my house?"

"Are those my clothes?"

"If you don't leave, I'm going to have to call the police."

"Stop laughing."

I'm sure there are others, but by this point I had grown tired of his wailings and turned up the volume on his television.

Q: How can you stick to just one journal I'm always going on to different ones?

A: Develop Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Childhood trauma works best, but since you are a grown man, that opportunity has passed.

Unless you have a time machine. Do you have a time machine? Are you building one? Can you take me with you? I've always wanted to visit Ford's theatre, on the day Lincoln was shot. They say John Wilkes Booth leapt to the stage from the balcony after the assassination, breaking his leg when he landed.

I wonder if anyone applauded? Even sarcastically. I would love to find out.

I'd be willing to pay, or, even help build the machine. I really don't have much going on these days, aside form writing in my journal and organizing my collection of professional wrestling DVDS, so - I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

Your journals. Right.

As I was saying, childhood trauma works best when trying to develop OCD, but any trauma will do. The key is to create a situation beyond your control, but that you think you should be able to control. You'll blame yourself for life and spend the rest of your waking hours focusing on whatever little, pathetic corner of the world you can control, all in the hopes of protecting yourself, and your loved one, both real and imagined,  from chaos. When I say it out loud, it sounds kind of silly, but - Excuse me, I need to move that painting, it's off center - you would be surprised how much it works.

Now, do you have any loved ones whose death would cause unbelievable psychic harm. A wife? A mother?

You have a wife and a mother? My, aren't you a lucky one? Who's more fragile?

Flip a coin.

It looks like your wife will soon enjoy the sky diving experience of a lifetime! If she survives that, encourage swimming with sharks, the cheapest package possible. If she's still alive after that, cliff diving. If she's still alive after that, try buying one journal at a time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to re-alphabetize some lucha.

Q: What is the bird called where it is all black and has a brown head?

A: That bird is a raven. Normally, it would be all black. The brown will come off. It's only chocolate.

I placed the raven inside of a chocolate bunny, which I planned to give to my children on Easter Sunday.

I expected them to gobble down the chocolate, revealing the raven inside.

They would have been horrified. Perfectly horrified.

Easter would have been ruined forever.

Then I would never again have to line the pockets of the Cadbury family by purchasing one of their so-called "eggs."

That was the plan.

Was.

Turns out, ravens are strong, stronger that I could imagine. And they hate being inside a tiny, chocolate cocoon.

I guess my children will get to enjoy Easter once again.

Unless I can find a dead bunny in the next five minutes.

Q: How do you get a guy to like you again when you guys broke up and you want to date again?

A: Does he currently have a girlfriend?

Have you murdered her?

Have you burned down his home, leaving him no place to live?

Have you tampered with his mail, ruined his credit, sabotaged his career, or pumped hallucinagins into his car while he drives?

Have you tried anything?

A man will only return to an ex when he has no other options. It seems to me like your ex still has a multitude of options. Eliminate them. You'll thank me.

Just don't thank me publicly. I won't want to hurt my career as a guidance counselor.

Q: Is a lawyer a salaried job?

A: I get that question a lot. Before we go any further, let me put your mind at ease.

I don't get paid unless we win.

And we are going to win! I can feel it. I have what my grandmother used to call "law bones." Once I get inside a courtroom, these old bones start twitching and humming and I get a sense, right down here, at the base of my skull, of how the jury's thinking. Ever since yesterday, my law bones have been acting up like you wouldn't believe. There's no way we're losing this case.

At least no once that jury sees you in that wheelchair.

Didn't I mention the wheelchair?

I swore I did. Are you sure?

Well, I fear that the jury might see you as too ... healthy, and not deserving of such a large settlement, in your current, ambulatory condition. I aim to fix that, put you in a wheelchair, doctor up some medical records, post date some x-rays, and make it seem like you shattered both legs when that paper airplane hit you in the face.

We have excellent forgers. Don't you worry. They'll make it all believable.

One thing they cannot forge is an x-ray. I don't know how else to put this: I'm going to need to break your legs.

Now before you start objecting, let me explain - Hey is that Steve Guttenberg?

See, that didn't hurt too bad. That's one femur down, one more to go. By now you realize Steve Guttenberg is nowhere to be seen. I needed to distract you, so you wouldn't see my assistant swing that sledge hammer. For some reason, Steve Guttenberg always works. People love that guy.

You'll appreciate what I'm doing for you once you have that huge settlement check in your hand. It will be more than enough to cover the cost of the surgery to repair your legs.

Minus my fee, of course.

You might even have enough left over to buy a fancy wheelchair. You'll be needing one.

All right, time for the other leg.

Oh, stop whining. It can't hurt that bad. I stubbed my toe once. Barefoot. On a rock. The pain wore off in minutes.

Okay, fine. I'll just break the one leg. I'm sure the jury will find you just as sympathetic on crutches. Now, let's talk about your testimony,  - Hey, is that Michael Winslow?

I'm sorry about that. I needed to break both legs. The fake reports have already been written.

Q: Why did American Military Commanders want to drop the atomic bomb during World War 2?

A: To jump start the Japanese monster movie industry.

Q: Why are the finches poor in to kill a mockingbird?

A: Atticus blew all his money on cheap women and expensive booze.

I don't understand the confusion. This is plainly stated in the book, right there in the second chapter.

Now that I think about it, my copy of the book may be slightly irregular. It contains a great many hand written notations, addendums and edits that I assumed to be the work of Harper Lee, but on closer inspection seem to be written in my late uncle's angry scrawl.

I guess that explains why Scout knew all that ninjitsu. That never did make sense.

Q: Do bears attack humans?

A: Absolutely.

Why do you think all these people bought tickets?

And made those signs?

And are cheering wildly?

I assure you, they didn't come here to see a bear reason with a man.

You need to stop being so naive.

Now, slather some of this honey on your chest, get out there, and give these people their money's worth.

Q: What to do if you like a girl but also like her sister?

A: At some point, whether you like it or not, you're going to have to make a choice.

I suggest you choose ether.

They won't remember a thing.

And you'll have a memory that will last a lifetime.

Q: What do you do when you have a headache and also vomiting?

A: Take your head out of the vice.

Now do the same with your testicles.

In the future, put a little more thought as to what you should place in a vice.

Q: Can a broken nose with deviated septum cause sinus problems?

A: I can't really say. I have a deviated septum, but I've never had a broken no-

OW!

Oh God, Oh God, Oh God.

You broke my nose! Oh my God!

Why is there so much blood?

Oh dear God.

I should have seen that coming, but still ...

This hurts way worse than I expected. Why would anyone box?

Sweet Jesus, make the pain go away!

To answer your question: Yes. Yes, this will cause sinus problems.

I don't think I have a sinus anymore.

Please, put down the wrench.

Q: What do you call a person who works in a photo lab and develops photos?

A: Right now I call her Debbie. Someday I hope to call her my wife.

That someday might be today!

I'm popping the question, in picture form.

I dropped off a whole stack of photos to be developed. The last one shows me, on my knees, holding a ring, beneath a sign that says, "Debbie, will you marry me?"

The previous photos contain a wealth of biographical information to help Debbie make her decision. Since we have never actually spoken, she might need to know more about me before she's comfortable. I took photos of my tax documents, my apartment, my collection of stuffed koala bears, everything I could think of.

I even included several photos of my, um, merchandise. I understand ladies like to get a sense of what to expect on their wedding night. I held a Coke can next to it for scale.

I had to use a six ounce can. It looked better that way. A normal can dwarfed my member.

I hope she's not disappointed on our wedding night.

I'm going to bring some stuffed koalas, just to be safe.

Q: What happens when your home gets auctioned?

A: Follow these simple steps:

1.) Build a time machine.

2.) Travel back in time.

3.) Choreograph a show-stopping dance number using all your eccentric neighbors and relatives.

4.) Win the Tri-State Talent Show.

5.) Use the prize money to pay off the back taxes and save your home from those selfish yuppies. .

But, before you do all that, you have to do one little thing:

Leave. Immediately.

The yuppies are moving in today and they don't want their children infected by your sadness.

Q: What organs belong to more than one system?

A: Depends. For some, it's the spleen, or the stomach, occasionally the brain.

In your case, it's the liver.

You share a liver, you and your brother. That's what makes you conjoined twins. That's why everyone throws rocks at you, and why they chase you with fire, and why they hide their children when you pass.

Can you really blame them? Have you ever looked at yourself?

You have? Oh. I see. That explains the despair etched on your face. I see that now.

It must be rough being a conjoined twin. I can understand why you'd want to put an end to it.

But, I believe your plan has some flaws. A flaw. One glaring, insurmountable flaw. That liver. That damn liver.

If I kill your brother, you would die, too. That's how it works.

Trust me, I looked it up.

As a professional hitman, I hate to say this, but I feel I have no choice: I cannot kill the person you hired me to kill. Not if you want to live. And you've made it clear that you do.

I'm going to return your money, minus the non-refundable deposit.

It's been a pleasure working with you. Maybe we'll get a chance to work together some time.

That time is right now.

I've accepted a very lucrative offer from your conjoined twin. He feels rather betrayed by your plans to kill him and wants vengeance, no matter the cost, no matter what happens to him.

Here's a bit of advice: The next time you want to hire a professional to murder your conjoined twin, consider whispering. He's right there.