Monday, November 1, 2010

Q: How do you find your family crest without having to pay for it?

A: I struggled with this problem for many years, until I stumbled upon this easy and free solution:

Find a family in your area that has a crest and proudly displays it. It helps if they have a similar name.

Steal their crest.

In the middle of the night, drug the family and set their house on fire. It helps if they don't have children, or a dog, just for the sake of your long term sanity.

Steal their identity,

The next day, pretend like you came home from a vacation and say "Oh, no. My house burned down." If the neighbors become wise to your deceit, set their houses on fire as well. They'll settle down quickly.

File an insurance claim, sit back and live like a king.

A king with a proper crest.

Q: How many children has mountain lions killed?

A: There are no lions in this part of the country, sir.

Nor are there mountains.

So the idea a mountain lion even being in the area is pretty ridiculous. A murderous mountain lion even more so.

And, for that matter, this child wasn't mauled. He was clearly struck with a golf club.

 A murderous, mountain lion who happens to be an avid golfer? I'm sorry sir. That just don't pass the sniff test.

You're going to want to come up with another alibi.

Q: What contributions has Chuck Norris made?

A: He was once buried alive in his truck but then came to, put that truck in gear and DROVE THE TRUCK OUT OF THE GRAVE. Isn't that enough?

Q: What three documents were the origin of the American government?

A: The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and the screenplay for Forrest Gump.

Q: What is it called when voters remove an official from office before his term is over?

A: If they use ballots, it's a recall. If they use pitchforks, it's a revolution.

Recalls are usually more effective, but revolutions are more fun.

About Me

My photo
Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook