Q: Why do people not leave their kids in the car during the summer months?

A: When the weather is this nice, kids should be outside playing, not cooped up in some minivan. Also, when it gets hot - hot like today - children can suffer from heat exhaustion and dehydration. Sometimes, they can even melt.

Especially when the children are made out of ice cream.

Look, I know how much you want children, and I know that you can't  have them. We all know. We've seen the billboards and the TV ads and read your blog. But are fake children made of ice cream really the answer? How many times does this have to happen before you stop this horrible charade?

No, I will not help you clean up your kids again. It really creeps me out when you lick the seats.

Q: How much control does the president really have over government spending?

A: Not nearly as much as I pretend to have. I work in the Executive Branch. Like an Executive Officer or an Executive Producer, I don't do a whole lot, I just take credit for the work of others.

Don't tell anyone I told you this, but my position is largely ceremonial. I shake some hands, give some speeches, pose for photos, that sort of thing. Every once in a while, Congress sends over something for me to sign. Occasionally, I veto something, just to mess with them, but they take another vote and send it back over for me to sign.

I take a lot of naps.

I do, however, have a great deal of power over one small area of government spending: How much we tip the pizza guy. In your case, the tip will be zero. Zero dollars. You will receive no tip.

Next time, if you want a tip, try to get that pizza here in under four hours, and bring me a pizza without a footprint in it.

I don't want to hear your excuses. Or your lies. There's no such thing as the Noid. We had him executed in '91. I've seen the pictures. Pretty gruesome.

Q: What does it mean when you dream that someone is trying to kill you?

A: Your unconscious has been following your case and knows that all your appeals have run out. At least, that's what I think it means. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm a priest. That's why I dress this way. And carry this book. And why everyone calls me "Father."

Now, will you make your final confession before God? Or do you want to stall some more? The guards are getting restless. They usually execute men by lethal injection. You're the first inmate to request death by bear wrestling. As you can imagine, the guards are excited. I hear there's been quite a bit of wagering.