Thursday, January 6, 2011

Q: How do you write a film review?

A: Usually I jot down some notes right after the movie ends, my immediate thoughts and reactions. Then I go home and rough out a brief outline. I step away from the material for a while, take a walk and let all the information percolate in my brain. After maybe an hour or so of percolation, I return home, sit down at my desk, and write the review, as quickly as possible. I reread the review eight or ten times, making slight changes, tweaking sentences and making sure the review is as enjoyable and informative as possible. Then I send the review off to my editor and call it a night.

Now, that is my normal process. I usually review feature films. I have never written a review for a snuff film before. I may have to do things a little differently.

My immediate reaction?

You sure killed that guy. Yup, he looked terrified, too.

No, I don't need to see it again. I think I can start writing my review now. You'll have to untie me first. I use my arms to write.

Oh, look, you have a tape recorder. You really have thought of everything.

If only you had put this much thought into the writing and directing of your snuff film.

Q: What are some good hacking programs?

A: There are a bunch of people who will tell you that Eight-Minute Machete will teach you all you need to know about hacking your way through the jungle with a machete. Sure, it does that. But does it teach you how to hack off limbs?

No, it does not.

That's why I tell anyone who buys a machete to buy this tape, Miami Machete Machine. In this ten minute video, you'll learn all you need to know about hacking your way through the densest jungles AND hacking your way through the henchmen, underlings and loved ones of all your rivals in the drug trade. These are authentic Cuban techniques, not some bullshit Brazilian stuff that looks all fancy but won't help you when you need to really spread terror.

Yeah, that is me on the cover.

Naw, I don't hack anymore. That Danny Trejo movie made it too mainstream and took the fun out of it. It used to be about severing limbs. Now it's just all show business.

Q: What are the names of the vessel located in the villus that lines the small intestine?

A: We sent three vessels down into your bowels, The Gotham, The Metropolis, and The Kandor. As you may have already guessed, many of our scientists are big fans of comic books. That's how we came up with the names for the vessels, and with the plan itself.

We shrunk three nuclear submarines down to microscopic size, inserted them into your bloodstream and sent them to into your digestive system in the hopes that they would be able to quickly find and destroy the cancer in your colon. There's no time for surgery or chemotherapy. Our plan was your only hope.

In retrospect, we probably should have asked your permission for this wildly dangerous, experimental procedure. But you looked so peaceful in your sleep. We didn't want to wake you. Your son gave us permission. I know he's only eight, but he was all excited for us to send these vessels into your body, especially once he heard the names. I guess he's a big fan of comic books as well. He even wanted to go along, in one of the vessels, in the Kandor. We decided to let him. Who could say no to that face?

Here's where things get a little, well, a little ... funny. Your boy, excited as he was, really had no place in a nuclear submarine, shrunken down to microscopic size. It seems he went a little ... bananas down there and started pulling on levers and pressing buttons. One thing led to another and all three vessels were destroyed.

The good news is that, before your son went mad and everyone died, they found and removed your cancer. Turns out there wasn't much at all. In fact, there was so little we easily could have removed it with surgery. But, since our men were already there, we figured we'd let them handle it. They were so excited to fire those microscopic missiles.

The bad news is that we were only able to shrink the vessels for 12 hours. Even though they have been destroyed, there is still a lot of scrap metal and bits of missile and chunks of people floating around your body. They will all return to normal size, in about half an hour.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to go. We have to leave now and get very far away, very quickly. It has been a pleasure having you as a patient. Good-bye.

Don't bother to get up. You have been restrained.

Q: How many letters did Abigail Adams send to john Adams?

A: Over the course of their time together, Abigal Adams sent her husband thousands of personal, hand-written letters, as well as hundreds of chain letters, lewd drawings, truly tasteless jokes, pictures of cats with stuff on them, sketches of people who parked their horses poorly, inspirational quotations she overheard while dining alone, results from her fantasy Continental Congress league, word carvings of local merchants she fancied, and the severed thumbs of anyone who dared cross her.

Q: How do i get credit history?

A: You can start by opening a credit card at a store like Target or Old Navy or Sears. Pay off your balance each month and soon you'll have established credit.

Or, you can steal someone's identity. That's probably easier. Like this guy right here. He threw out all these bills and notices without even shredding them. His social security is on one of these. And his date of birth. According to these forms, this guy even has excellent credit. You should take his. Forget my other plan, that crap I said about going to Sears. Just take this guy's identity and use his credit.

He's really the one to blame. He didn't even shred any of his mail before he wrapped it in a plastic bag, then wrapped it in a paper bag, then stuck in a bag of cat litter, then tossed it in a sealed trash bag. He was basically begging someone to find it.

About Me

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook