Q: How much water do you add to 6 volume peroxide to make 3 volume peroxide?

A: I'm not really sure. I tossed out the instructions.

Lets try a quart, shall we? A quart should do the job. Add water, mix it up, pour a little on the dog to test, and ...

Nope. That didn't work. I'd like my hair to be bleached, but not that bleached. I'm dressing up as Ric Flair for Halloween, not some straw haired Poison groupie.

Two quarts, then. One half gallon. That should do the trick. I'll just - Oh, no water. My landlord must have shut it off. That explains his cryptic message yesterday, when he said, "Hey fat ass, better pay your rent our I'm turning off your fricking water!" When I say it out loud it doesn't seem so cryptic. Or so friendly. That would explain why my mother wasn't excited when I told her the nice thing my landlord said to my yesterday. Now her tears make sense. I thought she was still just bummed out about her cancer.

How will I do this without water? Let's see. Sprite! I have Sprite. That's basically water. Sweet, fizzy water that goes great with vodka. One quart of water and one quart of Sprite. Mix it up, pour a little on the dog - Come back here, Gilligan! Who needs that stupid dog? - this looks like 3 volume peroxide. And on the noggin she goes.

That really stings.

No wonder the dog ran away. Gilligan's smarter than I think. I hope he's smart enough to dial 911.