Q: Why it is essential for accurate vital signs?

A; Funerals are big business. People love to spend money -  tons of money, more than they can afford - on lavish funerals for their deceased loved ones. I guess they think they money they spend will make up for the love they withheld during their life. Something like that. I don't really know. I don't care to ask. I just cash the checks. All those big checks.

Here's the thing about the funeral business: People keep dying. No matter what we do, no matter what progress scientists make, people keep dying. Every single day. We will always be in demand.

Unless, of course, we break the Golden Rule of Funerals.

Make sure the guy in the coffin is dead. That's the Golden Rule. That's the only rule! That's the most important part of our job.

Always make sure the deceased is deceased. That's all you have to do. That's why we have this stethoscope. And this mirror. And this hammer.

Hit him on the knee with a hammer. If he moves, he's not dead. If he's not dead, hit him on the head with the hammer.

Get on with it, the mourners are getting restless. And I see an attractive widow in need of some vigorous consoling.

Q: Is it illegal to have a pet monkey in Texas?

A: I'm not a lawyer. Nor am I am a judge. I tried to be a judge once, but it turns out there are more requirements than having your own robe and gavel. I pointed out that I am also very judgmental. No one in the court room seemed impressed. A riot started, or something. All I know is there was a lot of yelling and cursing, people were fighting. A bailiff drew his gun. I got out of there as soon as I could.

What were we talking about?

Right, the monkey. You're still on about that.

Look, we can spend all day arguing back and forth about the legality of owning a pet monkey in Texas, or the morality of training the monkey to kill or the stupidity of giving a trained monkey assassin a cocktail of Red Bull, vodka, cocaine, speed and Viagra, but it won't solve anything. You can stand there and yell and scream and call me names until you're blue in the face, but it's not going to bring your poodle back to life.

Instead of pointing fingers and placing blame, maybe you should take some responsibility. Ask yourself, "Did I do anything to cause the death of my poodle? Am I responsible in any way? By dressing her in bows and ribbons and spending a fortune on grooming, did I make the mistake of making her too attractive to a coked-up, killer monkey?"

Spend some time in front of the mirror and ask yourself those questions. The answers you find might surprise you. Even if they don't, you'll have given me more than enough time to make my escape.

You should probably go look in that mirror now, my monkey found your power tools.

Q: What does the h mean on an ATV tire?

A: The H doesn't stand for anything. It's just that, an H. It stands for H, the letter H.

Take a step back and look to your right. You'll see another letter. To the right of that, another letter. And then one more on the end there. If you look closely, or at all, you'll notice these four letters make a word. A word that has been written, again and again, all over your ATV. A pretty nasty word.

Folks round here are pretty conservative. Well, let's be fair -  they're bigots. Hateful bigots. Some of the meanest, hateful, fear-mongers you can imagine. God Bless them, but they don't know any better.

Guess they heard about what goes on in your cabin when the Mayor visits. Guess they don't approve. At least, now that they understand what happens when the Mayor visits. They really didn't get it at first.

They're simple folks. They don't understand much. You can't imagine how many times I had to explain it. At first they thought you were wrestling. Then I explained it. Then I explained again. And again. Finally I drew some pictures. Then they got it. And, man alive, did they get angry.

I have to admit, it was kind of fun seeing that moment of realization, watching them get all angry, quoting the bible and using all those slurs. They sure do get worked up. You have no idea what they wanted to do to you. Good thing I was here to talk them out of the murderous rage I had recently incited them to. Things like that make me a good sheriff.  Thankfully, I was able to stop them in time. Luckily, only your 4-wheeler was damaged.

Speaking of ... Now that your ATV is all defaced, have you reconsidered my offer to buy? The Sheriff's Department could really use one.

Q: What is the first step taken when commencing first aid on a conscious adult?

A: First, calm down. Then, stop screaming.

Please stop screaming. It's just a paper cut. There's no need to freak out and cause a scene. It's just a little paper -

- Oh dear.

That's not good. 

You can start screaming again.

Q: Can you download Facetime?

A: Son, face time isn't a computer program, it's quality time spent with another person, face to face. If you want some face time with your dad, all you have to do is ask me.

Oh, and tell my assistant, Karen. She gets really pissy when I book my own appointments. But you know how women get, always trying to control everything.

Or maybe you don't know. Maybe that's why you want to talk to me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, son. Save it for the face time. I'm kind of busy right now.

We'll have that face time soon, real soon. Just let me know when you want to do it, check with Karen - oh, make sure it's not a Thursday. Thursday's are packed. So, no Thursdays. Or Wednesdays. Or Fridays. Definitely not the weekends. Tuesday's are no good, either.

But any other day is fine. Just let me know. And Karen.

When did you want to have that face time?

Now's no good. I think I made that clear.

Please calm down.

Why is it so urgent that we talk right now? Why can't it wait?

Haven't you always been missing that finger? I swear you have.

Q: What is the average rate for a framing contractor in southern California?

A: For six grand, I'll get you fingerprints on a murder weapon. For eight, an eye witness. For ten grand, and a little lead time, I can get you DNA on the corpse. Your husband will go away for a long, long time.

This is your husband, right? The guy in this picture. He's the one you want me to frame for murder, right? That is what I do. That is why you called me? Right?

Okay, now you're crying. Did I say something wrong?

If you don't want me to frame him for murder, why did you call me? Why did you come here? Why did you hand me his picture?

Oh.

Look, lady, don't take it out on me because you can't read an ad right, an ad that clearly states "No Picture Framing."

See? It says it right here, right at the top of the ad. And again down here. And here. And here, on the side, right below my phone number, it says, "Murder Framing Only! No Pictures!" That should have been a sign.

Speaking of signs, did you notice the one out front, the one that has a drawing of a picture frame with a circle around it and a line through it? Did you see that? That means No Picture Framing!

I don't see why there should be any confusion.

My name is Jim Picture. The name on the door says Jim Picture's Framing. Jim Picture's Framing. Not Jim's Picture Framing. What are you, dyslexic?

Oh, I'm very sorry. That must have been quite a struggle. Pardon my insensitivity. I was in a car crash a few years ago - vehicular homicide fraud frame-up, deal went south - that destroyed my sense of empathy, and my short term memory, and my sense of empathy.

Now, where were we?

I can frame this man for life for ten grand. It will be easy. Look at this face. What a bastard. No wonder you want to ruin him.

And now you're crying.

Q: Is media is a source of morality?

A: The media provides entertainment, in the form of scantily clad women, posing as doctors or lawyers or teachers, who solve crimes or heal the sick or teach kids to be who they are, as long as the"who" in question are attractrive twenty-somethings with great teeth and great hair, or slightly overweight girls with glasses who would be the hottest chick in 9 out of 10 high schools, because of their great hair and teeth.

The media also provides news, with the help of attractive men with great hair and teeth and some of the most gorgeous women in world, also with great hair and great teeth.

As you can see, TV is in the business of entertainment and education, not in the business of sending messages.

If you want a source for morality, all you need is a little book I like to call The Bible!

The exclamation point is part of the title. I added it when I rewrote the book. I kept the stories the same, for the most part, aside from a few minor changes: Instead of a pillar of salt, Lot's wife turns into a supermodel. Instead of losing everything he owns and everyone he loves and having his body covered with painful sores, Job stubs his toe, and loses the 3rd disc of The Wire, season 4. Instead of dying on the cross for the sins of man, Jesus frees himself, snaps the cross in half and and beats the holy Hell out of Judas, Pontius Pilate and all the Romans. Except, instead of "Hell," I  call it "Jesus and Dad Steamy Underground Workshop For Meanies." Stuff like that.

I also added a bunch of pictures, mostly of TV leading ladies stars and female sportscasters. When you spend eight years of your life writing a book, you damned sure want someone to read it.

Q: What is the value of Robert F Kennedy's autograph in profiles of courage book?

A: Probably not as valuable as you'd think. First of all, John F. Kennedy wrote Profiles in Courage, not Robert F. Kennedy.

Second, it's not much of an autograph. It says "Rodly L Kinnn" then stops. And there's all that blood. Asking him for an autograph at the moment of his assassination may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but now it's kind of creepy.

Really, really creepy.

This is the creepiest antique we've ever appraised on Antiques Roadshow. I don't want to see what's in the rest of your bag.

Particularly the part that's moving.

Q: What are ways of protecting your circulatory system?

A: You can eat well, exercise frequently, abstain from drugs and alcohol, sleep 10 hours a day, drink plenty of water, avoid trips to Africa or India, stay out of the sun, and generally live a plain, boring, safe life.

Or, you can do what I did: build an exo-skeleton. Now my circulatory system is well protected, as is my skin, my skeletal system, my vital organs - such as my spleen (the spleen is very important and should always be safe-guarded) - my teeth, my hair, my eyes - everything. Literally everything.

I suggest you build one for yourself. It might take years of hard work, but in the long run, you'll save yourself a lot of worry. My exo-skeleton makes me feel bullet-proof!

Because I am. I'm also knife-proof, grenade-proof, spear-proof, arrow-proof and even shark-proof. Nothing can hurt me. I'm invincible!

If you do decide to build one for yourself, I suggest you made some modifications to my design.

Don't use concrete. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it's very heavy. And coarse. Once it hardened, it became impossible to move. Or leave. Looks like I'm stuck in this thing forever.

Which brings me to my next mistake: include some plumbing. Really wish I had thought of that.

Also, include some air holes. You're going to want those.

Q: Why did your homemade ice cream not thicken?

A: Probably because I didn't use the right amount of cream.

Or sugar.

Or salt.

Or broken glass.

In retrospect, I probably should have used more cream. And more sugar. And more salt. And less broken glass.

Far less broken glass. Far, far less.

None. I probably should have used none. Using broken glass might have been a mistake.

But it wouldn't be "Windshield Surprise" without all that broken glass. It would just be vanilla ice cream. And who wants that?

Oh.

That would explain the lawsuits.

Q: What did the bill of rights devote much of its attention to?

A: Graphic descriptions of attractive waitresses in the Philadelphia area whom James Madison bedded, hoped to bed or dreamed about bedding, along with a great many detailed sketches of  body parts, positions, locations, sandwiches, cuckolded husbands, and enthralled observers.

These sketches proved three things:
1.) Madison fancied married woman.
2.) Madison had little understanding of female anatomy.
3.) Madison considered marble rye highly erotic.                                                                                      

After a lively, eight-minute debate, Madison's bill of rights was soundly rejected by every delegate in attendance, causing Madison to storm out of the hall in a fit of rage, vowing to retire from public service, swearing revenge on every man who had crossed him. After eating a sandwich, and spending an hour alone with Alexander Hamilton's wife , Madison reappeared on the convention floor with his freshly written Bill of Rights, which the delegates quickly ratified.

Years later, Mrs. Hamilton wrote a memoir about the incident, Ham Sandwich on My Knee: The Bizarre and Ultimately Disappointing Love-Making of James Madison. Madison, now President, ordered the book banned and burned. When told that the Bill of Rights prevented him ordering books to be burned, Madison ordered the Bill of Rights burned. When told that he couldn't do that, he ordered a ham sandwich on marble rye, brought to him by Mrs. Alice Wellner, a married waitress from Philadelphia.

Q: What does you got it from a horses mouth mean?

A: You're thinking of the expression "Straight from the horse's mouth," as in "I got this straight from the horse's mouth," an expression that means "straight from the source," or "directly from an involved party."

That's not what I said.

I said, "I got this Boba Fett action figure from a horse's mouth." Then I held up the action figure. Then I pointed to the horse, so there would be no confusion. I think the meaning is pretty clear: I got this Boba Fett action figure from that horse's mouth.

My father gave me this Boba Fett action figure on his deathbed. He told me it was the most important thing in his life - even more important than me, his only son. Then he laughed for nearly an hour. Then he told me to send in the nurse, the redhead with the legs. It was the longest conversation we ever had.

This Boba Fett action figure meant the world to me. I kept it clean, safe, protected from the world. Now, it's ruined - covered in horse saliva and what I can only hope is chocolate.

It's not chocolate.

You already knew that. You could have warned me before I licked it.

I don't even want to know what happened to my Millennium Falcon.

Q: Why sad people cry?

A: Sometimes people cry because they're hurt, because they've had their heart broken, because they person they loved more than anything looked them in the eye and said, "It's over."

Sometimes people cry because they're filled with regret, because they're thinking about all the good times, all the laughter, all the dancing, all the nights that lasted forever - bodies tangled, bodies screaming, bodies moving together as one - all of it, gone. Gone forever.

Sometimes people cry because they blame themselves, because their mind races, searching for answers - What could I have done? Where did this go wrong? Why did this happen? Will I ever be happy? - answers they know they will never get.

And sometimes people cry because they're in pain -  literal, physical pain - because they held the knife wrong when they stabbed you. All that blood made the knife real slippery. And I didn't expect you to squirm so much.

Don't worry, I'll be fine. But I'd feel a lot better if you begged some more.

Q Why the tiger population is shrinking?

A: Because of their fur - their beautiful, spotted fur - so useful in making throw pillows, love seats, hats, belts, boots and sexy undergarments. Their fur is in high demand, and there's only one way to get it: From their cold, dead bodies.With beautiful, spotted fur like that, I'm surprised they've lasted this long.

As you can see, I'm a fan. Everything I own, from my boots to my hat to the upholstery in my Cadillac, is covered in that warm, lush fur.

What?

Aren't leopards the same as tigers?

Oh.

Then I have no idea why the tiger population is shrinking. Could it be because they are simply delicious?

Tigers aren't delicious either?

Oh.

Then they're probably just dumb.

Good riddance, tigers!

Q: Can an elephant flip over a semi truck?

A: That truck was like that when I got here.

I'm pretty sure that truck's always been there. I'm pretty sure that truck's always been like that. 

It looks less like a recent accident and more like a fossil, a relic of a bygone era when semi-trucks ruled the land and men of all ages worshiped truck drivers like heroes, a time when a man was judged not by the color of his skin, or the quality of his character, but by the size and bushiness of his moustache, a time when women wore little tiny denim shorts over sheer panty hose and no one had a problem with it, a time when a man could have a chimpanzee for a best friend and no one would look twice, a time when every man, woman and child over the age of 6 had a CB handle, a time when people used words and phrases like "breaker" and "ten-four, good buddy" without irony, a time when a group of friends, posing as paramedics, could steal an ambulance, enter a cross-country race and -

 - Yes, that's my elephant. Are you going to let me finish my thought, or are you going to keep asking me a bunch of rude questions? 

Q: Do children get paid at the age of ten to play football?

A: Son, let me make this clear:

You are not being paid to play, you are being paid to lose.

To lose big. By at least three touchdowns.

I have a lot riding on this one. Daddy's made some bad investments and he needs to make good, quick. I need you, son. I'm counting on you. I need you to go out there and not come through.

Now get out there and fail, get out there and fall down, get out there and fumble, fumble like your life depends on it. Because it kind of does.

I don't imagine you'll last too long living on the streets without a father.

Q: Why generator generate high voltage?

A: The higher the voltage, the deadlier the laser. The deadlier the laser, the more Gotham I can destroy. The more Gotham I can destroy, the higher ransom I can demand. The higher ransom I demand, the more commemorative "Freedom For Iraq" plates I can buy.

Those plates are hand crafted. Those plates are one of a kind. Those plates will only increase in value.

I must have those plates. For I am the Plate Master. 

Increase the voltage! Power the laser! Prepare to fire.

Fire the laser!

I said "Fire the laser!"

You already fired it? 

Did it burn anything?

That's it? Just that flower?

Um, okay,

We're going to need more hamsters. And a bigger wheel. Maybe some scientists. 

We'll just buckle down, start over, and  -

- Did you hear that?

I swear I heard something. It sounded like a POW. Or a ZAP.

There it is again. Clearly a ZAP. Didn't you hear it, guys?

Guys?

Guys? 

Q: How important is a sergeant first class is in the army?

A: Very important. On a day to day basis, he's the most important member of the platoon. He executes the orders from command, he keeps morale up, he talks the Lieutenant out of sending us on suicide missions, he keeps us fed, rested and safe.

That's why we have to kill him.

He's making the rest of us look bad, with his shiny buttons and his pressed pants and his hand full of all fingers and his complete lack of shooting his best friend by accident while drunk. If command catches wind of him,  they're going to start expecting a lot more out of us. They're going to start hanging around and giving us orders and sending us on missions and wanting us to win this war. That's going to be a real drain on our business.

It's going to be awfully hard to smuggle heroin home in cadavers with a whole lot of Generals sniffing around.

Q: What are the exercises that can help you build muscle strength?

A: You can lift free weights, or use the universal machine. Dumb bells work well, too.

Or, you could lift this car off me. That would build a lot of strength. This car is very heavy.

And it would save my life. This car is very heavy. It's crushing me.

I'm sorry, I don't have any free weights. Or dumb bells. Or heavy rocks.

You're right, any of those would help you build muscle strength. And fast.

What I do have is this car. This car on top of me. This heavy car on top of me, crushing my sternum, likely causing massive internal bleeding. Have I mentioned the weight of the car? I just wanted to make sure,  because it's very heavy.

And I'm very woozy.

This car must weigh a ton. This heavy, heavy car - the one on top of me. You'd probably look like Superman after you lifted it off me. You'd feel like him, too, because you will have saved my life.

Have I mentioned that I'm trapped under this car?  And that the car is very heavy?

I don't know what's in the car. I guess there could be a Perfect Push Up or one of those Shake Weights in the trunk. It's hard to say. I can't open the trunk from here. Because I am trapped. Under. The. Car.

I have no idea where to find a gym. I am not a navigator, nor a map, nor a personal trainer. I am a man. A man trapped under a car. A heavy, heavy car.

Have you even considered my suggestion?

Lifting the car off me. I've said it four or five times.

This car. The one on top of me.

Can't you at least try? Would it kill you? Please?

Thank you. I know you can do it. Just bend your knees and -

Oh, I feel it moving. It's lighter. I can -

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I assumed you understood that when I suggested lifting the car off me, you would allow me to get out from under it, and not drop it back down on my pelvis.

But you now what they say: When you assume you end up being an ass with a shattered pelvis.

I'm paraphrasing. I think. It's hard to tell.

I'm in pretty bad shape here.

Q: Would you violate any copyright laws if you approached a major network with a TV show pitch using music that you have not yet bought the rights to?

A: The music rights won't be a problem. You're pitching a show and throwing out some ideas. You're not expected to have everything locked down. Once you sell the show, the network can go out and buy the rights.That's not the problem.

The pitch itself is the problem.

The details of the pitch. The characters. The ideas. I've heard them before. They're not new.

The alcoholic former ballplayer who opens a bar in Boston, a bar full of wacky characters - like like his absent minded former coach, or the sex-obssessed barmaid, or the fat, sardonic alcoholic loved by all, or the obnoxious know-it-all/public servant, or the over-educated poet, left at the alter by her mentor - a bar where "Everybody Knows Your Name."

Yeah, that's Cheers. People remember Cheers. It was very popular.

You should rip off something else, something nobody remembers, like Small Wonder.

Only make the robot sexy. You know, for the nerdy pedophiles.

Q: How many muscles does the human forearm have?

A: There are over 20 muscles in the normal human forearm.

You have 4.

We had the rest removed to make space for your cybernetic wrist and elbow. They need a lot of room to operate and your muscles just got in the way.

We figured one we replaced your frail human wrist and your frail human elbow with a super-strong cyborg wrist and a super-strong cyborg elbow, giving you new super-arm, you'd be able to throw a fastball over 100 miles an hour, win Major League contract, enabling your mother and I to retire and spend the rest of our years traveling the globe and living the good life.

We figured wrong.

Turns out, Major League Baseball prohibits the use of cybernetic parts.
And you throw like a girl.

I guess it's back to the drawing board. On the bright side, you'll be able to give the world's greatest high-five, just as soon as some of the neighbors get cybernetic limbs for their kids.

That might take a while. We keep dropping hints at dinner parties, but no one else wants to take the plunge. They mostly look at us in horror while slowly backing away.  I guess they heard about the gangrene.

Speaking of ... Would it kill you to wear long sleeves?

Q: Can you sue a sibling for parents funeral expense?

A: As an American, you can sue anyone for anything at anytime. That's your right.

You can even sue your own brother solely because he chose an expensive coffin - one made of mahogany and gilded with brass - instead of the coffin you preferred,  made of old refrigerator boxes. That is your right.

Now, this is just my opinion, but such matters ought to be handled privately, with discretion, and with the help of unbiased professionals. Your should be talking about this privately, to a lawyer, after the ceremony. Not during the eulogy.

That is not right.

Q: How do you buff a car?

A: Apply the wax to the shammy. Run the shammy over the car in a clockwise motion. That applies the wax. Now, move the shammy counter-clockwise. That removes the wax.

Wax on. Wax off.

Wax on. Wax off.

Why are you stopping?

There seems to be some misunderstanding. When I saved you from those teenagers, I did so under the assumption that you would be my servant, that would would buff my car and paint my fence and do odd jobs around the house. Why the hell else would I save you?

Why would I teach you karate? What the hell kind of freak do you think I am?

Q: Can anything kill a jellyfish?

A: Anything can kill a jellyfish, but not anyone. 


It takes a man of courage, a man of wisdom, a man of strength.

It takes a man willing to do anything, a man who fears nothing, a man willing to lose everything.

It takes a man so brave that he would leave his attractive wife, all alone, in the care of his neighbor, and voyage out to sea, out to the treacherous depths - perhaps never to return - and risk his life to defeat the great jellyfish and keep our swimmers safe from its horrible sting for a generation.

It takes a man willing to wear an olde-tyme diving suit, made of brass, powered by bellows, filled with gravy, for the eight long years it takes to reach the trench that holds the great beast.

Thomas Cranston, you are that man. Do not be afraid, do not be afraid to claim your destiny!

You'll get used to the gravy. In the meantime, I'm going to show your wife around my house, starting with the bedroom.

Q: What causes a knockout?

A: Anything can cause a knockout: a slip, a lapse in concentration, a skilled opponent with a lethal left hand, a glass jaw, a poorly timed parry. Anything. Those things happen. Those things I can accept.

What I cannot accept is a knockout caused by your willful disregard of my instructions. I'm here to help. I'm not here to be ignored.

I thought I was pretty clear: Dodge his punch, then counterpunch.

Dodge his punch, then counterpunch.

Then, not and. In sequence, not together. You try both at the same time, you're gonna be off balance. You're gonna be vulnerable. You're gonna get knocked out. You're gonna be siting in a heap on the canvas, holding your head, crying, asking a whole bunch of stupid questions like "What happened, Doc?" "Why's King Hippo getting his hand raised?"" "What's a knock out?" "What causes a knock out?"

I don't know what to do with you, Little Mac. Other than kiss you, kiss you right on the mouth.

You're lucky you're so damn cute.

Q: Do Beta Bites get too old to feed to your beta?

A: Real Beta Bites are loaded with chemicals. They last forever.

Now, I'm not a detective (legally) but I have noticed a few clues that make me suspect that your so-called "Beta Bites" are not, in fact, real Beta Bites

Clue Number One: The bottle. Real Beta Bites come in a factory-sealed, and more importantly, factory-made bottle, with a factory-made label. Your "Beta Bites" come in an old Advil bottle with the words "Bayta" and Bitez"  scrawled on the side in crayon.

Clue Number Two: The food. Real Beta Bites contain tiny flakes of fish food. Your "Beta Bites" contain large chunks of flesh, flesh that looks suspiciously like thumbs, suspiciously like the thumbs of your missing neighbor.

Clue Number Three: The fish. When Fighting Fish eat Beta Bites, they grow and thrive and live a long time. Your Fighting Fish died. I can only assume - again, not a detective (legally) - that they choked to death on chunks of thumb.

Clue Number Four: The water. Real Beta Bites cloud the water. The water in your aquarium is so clear, I can see everything  - from the sunken castle to the coral to the severed head of your missing neighbor resting on the bottom of the tank.

Clue Number Five: The gun in your hand. You have to ask yourself, "Would a man in possession of real Beta Bites need to pull a gun on a pet store owner/ amateur detective to prove the validity of said Beta Bites?" Probably not.

Clue Number Six: The bullet lodged in my spleen. I hate to jump to conclusions, but pulling the trigger and shooting me does make you seem like you have something to hide.

Clue Number Seven: When you shot me, you said "Those Beta Bites aren't real, sucker!" Pretty damning.

Clue Number Eight: I need to sit down.

Clue Number Ni...

Q: Do you have to be in school to be able to act?

A: Anyone can act! Even you!

You need the discipline to hone your craft, the passion to pursue your dream, the ability to project your emotions and the courage to be vulnerable.

Above all else, you need to believe in yourself.

Of course, you also need to be attractive. That one's pretty obvious. People - complete strangers with awful, back-breaking jobs and loveless marriages and terrible, bitter lives filled with compromise and regret and heartbreak - will look at you, for hours on end, watching your lips move and your eyes dance and your face break into a smile. The last thing they want to see is someone who looks like them.

What I'm trying to say is that we're going in a different direction for the role of Romeo. We're looking for someone the ladies in the audience want to sleep with, not press charges against.

I'm sure we can find something for you. Every play needs trees.

Q: How do you get rid of tan?

A: I have no idea. We've tried everything.

We stopped paying him weeks ago. He didn't leave.

We pumped mustard gas into his office every day at lunch. He didn't leave.

We replaced all his office furniture with rabid badgers and fire ants. He didn't leave.

We shot him in the knee, dragged him from the building, threw him in the trunk of a car, drove him to the desert, beat him with baseball bats, buried him in a shallow grave and left him for dead. The next day, there he was, back in his office, wearing his gas mask, fighting off badgers with one hand, scratching himself raw with the other, perusing expense reports the whole time. He just doesn't get it. He just won't leave.

At some point we're going to have to face the fact the Jeff Tan isn't leaving until we call him into our office, look him in the eye, and tell him he's fired.

Not it.

The WikiFakeAnswers Independence Day Fake Answer Jamboree and Street Fair~!

Please enjoy the following selections from our archives. 

Q: What does the red and white on the national flag symbolize?

Q: Is North America having democracy?

Q: When did the US officially get its National Anthem?

Q: What three documents were the origin of the American government?

Q: How did the Patriots fight the war in the West and in the South?

Now go celebrate our Independence in the proper way: grilling meat, getting drunk and punching English people in the face.