Q: Why are classification systems not based on physical appearance?

A: Due to massive protests and years of costly litigations.

It seems that parents are much more comfortable with the current education model, where the lives of their children are determined based on a series of arbitrary "grades" determined by random tests administered by complete strangers, than a more realistic model, where the students deemed most sexually desirable by their peers get the most opportunities to advance.

Thank God we still have the entertainment industry.

Q: Where did Roosevelt introduce the Good Neighbor Policy?

A: In his hometown of New York, New York, one day after he spent six hours dodging traffic on 5th Avenue while over two thousand onlookers laughed and pointed, instead of helping him steer his wheelchair to safety.

Q: What does the phrase sevenfold mean?

A: It refers to a location on the map.

Specifically a fold.

Specifically the seventh fold.

That's where we are supposed to rendezvous with Green Team, at the seventh fold.

The name was assigned when the maps were handed out, when the maps only had ten folds. The term made more sense then.

The term would still make sense if you hadn't used our map, our only map of the target zone, as a napkin.

I hope you see why ribs are not normally included in the rations.

They tend to get a little messy.

And they attract bears.

But I don't have to tell you that. You saw what happened to Kreitzer.

Q: What is the most common mode of dismissal for a batsman in cricket?

A: In cricket,  a batsman is most commonly dismissed by being bowled out, being caught, or being stumped out.

The most common way to dismiss The Batman in a game of cricket would be to tie him to an enormous wicket and have a fifty-foot robotic bowler hurl a wrecking ball at him.

I'm assuming you tried that one already, since you are The Tricky Wicket, Gotham's newest arch-criminal.

You didn't try that?

What did you try?

Let me get this straight: You challenged Batman to a legitimate game of cricket, and let him pick his own team, all in the hopes that the length of the game and the complex rules would cause him to have a nervous breakdown?

And you are surprised that failed?

Did you even poison his tea or anything?

No, you just made it very weak.

Bet that showed him.

Morons like you make me long for the days of the Calendar Man. At least he had flair.

Q: What are the differences between delete and free?

A: When we free an employee, they are able to leave the company, take their family with the, leave the state and seek employment elsewhere, the whole time trying to keep one step ahead of the bloodthirsty dogs we  unleash ten minutes after they walk out the door.

When we delete an employee, the dogs get the head start.

Freeing employees offers more suspense. Deleting them offers more visceral thrills.

The videos sell equally well on the snuff film market.

Q: How do you draw a cartoon chicken?

A: With a uncontrollable feeling of hatred.

Then, add some wacky shoes. Or sunglasses.

Sunglasses are probably better. They hide the chicken's cold, dead eyes.

When you finish drawing the chicken, tear up the picture in a fit of rage, then spend the rest of the day crying in the shower.

That's how I do it.

Everyone has their own process, but mine is clearly the best.

Q: How much does it cost to make a will?

A: Why do you want to make a will, Dad?

Aren't you going to leave everything to me when you die?

That was always my understanding. That's why I spent all those years running your companies, doing your dirty work, and burying the skeletons in your closet, both literal and figurative.

I wouldn't have done all that if I knew you would get remarried at the age of 82 and leave everything to your new wife and her freakish, hillbilly family.

I thought you got that hillbilly jones out of your system. That's why we opened that plant in Kentucky.

If you insist on making a will, I'll draw one up for you, free of charge. All you'll need to do is sign it. I'll take care of the rest. I'll make sure your lovely new bride gets taken care of. I'll even buy her a home without wheels on it. She'll be thrilled.

What do you say, Dad?

You better decide soon. The trains pretty close.

It's going to take me a while to untie you.

Q: Who illustrated the human body systems?

A: Many have tried. Most have failed. None have succeeded like I have.

Feast your eyes on these, my glorious illustrations!

Don't they capture the wonderful symmetry, the pure beauty, the enchanting essence of the human form?

I'm really bad at drawing feet. I don't think it's much of a stretch to say that roller skates are part of the typical human body system.

I've never seen a naked women up close, so I had to use my imagination to fill in some of the blanks. It has been brought to my attention that there are less teeth in that particular area of the female anatomy.

Far less.

None to be exact.

As I said, I can't be sure personally, and I choose to stand by my work.

You must give me credit for daring and creativity.

And patience. Sketching, while hiding in a tree, and holding binoculars is much harder than it looks.

Q: What age can minors choose which parent they want to live with in a divorce?

A: As long as the court feels that the child can make an informed decision, age doesn't matter.

Even if age did matter, it wouldn't be a factor in your case.

As a 33 year old man, you do not qualify as a minor. You can choose to live with whomever you like.

However, it is the opinion of this court that you find your own place, get out of the house once in a while, and try talking to a girl.

Maybe if you had done that sooner, your parents would still be married, instead of torn apart by the constant financial and emotional strain of caring for a man who refuses to work, or help around the house, or sleep in his own bed.

I'm not saying this is all your fault. Legally, I can't.

But, if you were my son, I would have locked you in the fridge until you suffocated and told the police that you are very bad at hide and seek.

Obviously your father and I have different parenting styles.

Q: What is that substance on the baby at delivery?

A: Frosting.

Vanilla frosting.

There was more of it until we licked the baby.

We were having a food fight in there.

Sometimes we get carried away.

We had no idea your wife was diabetic.

We thought she didn't enjoy our hijinks. If there's one thing we won't tolerate it's a stick in the mud.

I guess she had a valid reason for not wanting all that cake shoved down her throat.

Sorry about that.

Look on the bright side, you're still young.

And there's nothing chicks dig more than a single dad with a tragic story.

Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn't be saying "sorry." I should be saying "You're welcome."

You're welcome.

Q: What does clicking sound when trying to start indicate?

A: That's the sound of the shattered remains of your fibula grinding against your tibia.

That's why you can't get out of the starting blocks.

We seem to have miscalculated the amount of steriods and growth hormone needed to make you into the word's greatest sprinter. You won't be winning an Olympic gold this year. That's the bad news.

I do have good news. Your performance today guarantees you a place in the record books, under the category "Most Gruesome Leg Injury."

Move over, Theisman, there's a new gimp in town!

You'll appreciate the news more when you're no longer in shock.

Q: What does that mean if a guy is holding hands with his girlfriend but keeps looking at you until you look back?

A: He's waiting for you to pronounce them man and wife.

You should probably say something.

They've been standing there a while.

They're not going to magically disappear if you ignore them.

Staying still won't help. These are human beings, not T-Rexes.

This is why I don't like you taking mushrooms before work.

It's one thing before a mass, when no one's really paying attention, but people care about weddings.

Q: Why do wood floors feel warmer than ceramic tiles to bare feet?

A: Ceramic draws the heat away from your feet faster than wood.

Also, the house is on fire.

I told you you should have hired the A-Team to take care of that gang of arsonists holding us up for protection money.

But, no, they were too expensive. You had to find someone cheaper.

And who's cheaper than Encyclopedia Brown?

I hope the money you saved was worth it. Maybe our kids can buy us a nice casket.

Q: Is it bad to lift weights and then run?

A: Don't play dumb with me. You knew full well what you were doing.

Do you really expect this court to believe that  you broke into the vault under cover of night, slit the throats of two guards, disabled the security cameras, loaded all the gold you could carry into a heavy duty duffel bag, then took off running into the darkness, all for the exercise?

That you coveted the gold, not for it's value, but for it's weight?

That you did not commit theft, but only a violent and bizarre act of fitness?

Really?

I don't understand you kids today. Maybe it's time I retired from the bench.

Okay, new rule: whoever can rip this gavel from my hands gets to be the judge for the rest of the day.

However, if you try and fail, you will be sentenced to death.

Any takers?

No one?

You're all a bunch of cowards.

Q: How do you put dialogue into a book report?

A: With quotation marks, followed by a page number. For longer quotations, display the selection as a block quote.

In the future, please make sure that the passages quoted are directly from the book, and not from some outside source.

For instance, dialogue quoted from the film Glengarry Glen Ross has no place in a report on the book The Phantom Tollbooth.

Furthermore, dialogue passages that are clearly transcriptions of secretly recorded conversations between your mother and father have no place in a formal book report.

And certainly not when they are love scenes.

Do I even have to explain why the drawings are inappropriate?

Q: How can you estimate how far away the lightening strike will be?

A: I make a quick judgment based on air pressure, wind velocity and how hard I concentrate. When I focus, I can shoot a burst of lightening from my fingers that will blow a flea off a rat's ass without singeing a hair.

Now, that's when I'm sober.

When I'm drunk, as drunk as I am now, there's really no telling where the lightning will strike. I usually don't use my powers when I'm drinking.

That's why I don't fight crime on Friday.

Friday's party night.

And Black Lightning loves to party!

But that girl over there asked to see me use my powers. And she's very attractive. And so is her friend.

And Black Lighting's so very, very lonely.

Q: What changes did the post - World War 1 years bring for workers?

A: Thanks to the influx of broken, battle scarred men fresh from the front lines, the weak, unskilled workers of America, too feeble to serve in the military, suddenly found themselves employable. Nearly every non-war veteran,  even the grossly unqualified, were able to get better jobs, with higher pay, then ever before, thanks to the fact that they had all their limbs, were not horribly disfigured or crippled by shrapnel or mustard gas, and did not break into tears at the sound of a door slamming.

Q: Who was the first person to be documented in human history?

A: Org of Trundle, the subject of thousands of cave drawings, oral histories, and primitive stick figurines made by his father Grod.

From the moment of Org's birth, Grod saw the potential in art and stories based on the life of his son and set about documenting his boy's every move. He would record his first step, his first words, even the first time he nearly drowned because his father was too busy drawing a picture of the first time he tried to swim.

After a while, when it became clear that Org cared for little but sitting in the shade and pleasuring himself, and led a rather boring existence, Grod, disowned his son and turned his attention to a more interesting subject: a brightly colored, oddly shaped rock he found near the entrance to his cave.

In a funny coincidence, years later, that very rock became the first piece of evidence ever used in a patricide trial.

Q: What side effects would drinking Robitussin cough syrup have on you?

A: You'll stop coughing and have a good night's sleep!

I'm pretty sure Robitussin does put you to sleep. At least it does the way I make it.

Oh, suddenly you're too good to use homemade medicine?

I've been making homemade cough syrup for years, and I've never had one complaint. Not one. And I've given it to dozens and dozens of attractive girls, new to Los Angeles, who I found coughing at the bus station.

It's your choice: You can stick your nose in the air, wait for the drug store to open and spend the whole night coughing and wheezing and being miserable, or you can drink this glass of delicious, homemade Robitussin and sleep more soundly then you ever have before.

Did I mention it's maple flavored?

What's it going to be?

Good. I'm glad you came to your senses. That cough of yours was getting mighty annoying.

You'll have to drink this whole pint to get the full effect. And for it to work best, you have to drink it real fast.

Here you go, down the hatch.

Good job. You'll start feeling better in minutes.

Why don't you lie down and get comfortable?

You'll feel sleepy in no time. Soon, your cough will clear up, your spirits will rise, and you'll drift off into a land of bliss, where you won't feel a thing.

As an added bonus, your gag reflex will be completely gone.

Oh, one more thing:

Before you drift off completely, I need you to sign this release.

Q: How was clothing made in the middle ages?

A: By stone, from stone. That's why so little art and literature survives from that period. The simple act of getting dressed took up to seven hours and was so exhausting that wearer would immediately take a nap, or be crushed to death by their formal attire, leaving little time for creativity.

One of the benefits of stone garments was the protection they offered in battle and in domestic disputes. You were unlikely to be stabbed to death or beaten with mutton while wearing a stone tuxedo. Unfortunately, you were also unlikely be able to walk for more than thirty feet without suffering a massive coronary, which in those days was known as "over sanguination."

Medical experts of the time, who doubled as chefs, believed that the gray color of the clothing angered the invisible spirits who lived in wood chips At their suggestion, the garments were painted black, which made them unbearably hot, leading to massive deaths caused by heatstroke.

Soon after, the chefs of the period, who doubled as medical experts, introduced a low cost meat stew.

Q: Are there certain moves for figure skating?

A: There are many. They require grace, stamina, power and balance.

Most of the moves involve leaps and spins and bold, dramatic turns.

None of the moves involve lying on the ice and twitching.

There's no such move as the "Fish Out of Water."

I know. I've been an Olympic figure skating judge for thirty years.

I give your routine a score of 1.1 and urge you to take up a more fitting activity, such as door stopping or flood prevention. Those sand bags don't have to do all the work.

I don't think I being too harsh. I'm doing my job.

I don't care what the Special Olympic stands for.

If you wanted everyone to be a winner, why did you hire judges?

Q: How many credits are needed for law school?

A: Most law schools require about 120 credits before applying.

I see from your transcript that you have over 3,000.

However, law schools only credits from course work at an accredited college or university.

Not in adult film.

Q: Is it normal to be afraid to get into another relationship after your first heartbreak?

A: After getting your heart broken for the first time, you'll have a hard time trusting anyone. You'll be unwilling and unable to feel vulnerable, to open yourself up, or to even consider the possibility of falling in love.

You'll see each new relationship as a betrayal waiting to happen. Each potential mate as a someone who will eventually crush your spirit and break your heart. You won't even be able to enjoy dating; even the most casual cup of coffee will contain red flags and warning signs.

You're probably better off foregoing relationships altogether and embracing a life of wanton, sexual adventure with strangers, co-workers and causal acquaintances.

You might want to start with someone you know fairly well, someone you're comfortable talking to, someone who's handsome and charming and currently available.

Someone like me, your therapist.

As an added bonus, my copious notes about your traumatic sexual experiences will allow me to keep the sex just close enough to the danger zone to allow for maximum enjoyment without any long-term psychological scarring.

Unless you're interested in that sort of thing.

In which case I can dress up like your father.

Q: How do tattoos and piercings make you look unprofessional?

A: It's not that you have them, but what they say.

And where they are.

Some of them, some of the more vulgar ones, are located in areas that make our guests uncomfortable.

Areas like your face.

We all appreciate that you are a fan of oral sex. I mean, who isn't?

But, here at Denny's, we like to keep the world of food and the word of adventurous sexual activity separate. Call us old-fashioned, but that's how we operate.

When one of our customers digs in to one of our delicious, mouth water Meat Lover's Skillet, the only meat they should be thinking about going in their mouth is savory breakfast meat like bacon or sausage.

They should not be thinking about anything else.

Q: What is in a red eyed tree frogs habitat?

A: Despite what you older brother may have told you, their habitat consists of more than a leaf, a twig, an empty Jim Beam bottle and a copy of FHM from 2002.

First of all, I'm pretty sure red eyed tree frogs don't drink bourbon. They're probably pot heads. Hence the red eyes. Put a bong in there or something.

And I highly doubt they read FHM. They seem more like the Maxim type.

Plus, there should probably be dirt in there, or mud. Yes mud. If you don't have any mud, try chocolate ice cream. That's close enough.

You know what would really spruce up this habitat? A G.I. Joe.

Don't put a Crimson Guard in there. Give him a good one, like a Storm Shadow or Destro.

There. Now his home is really coming together.

Now for the final touch: a roll of quarters, so the frog can play poker with his friend.

Now, shake it all up and ...

Um, your frog's not moving.

Well, I got to go. The Post Office doesn't pay me to hang around with kids all day.

Despite my repeated requests.

Q: How do you lose a pound a day?

A: Diet and exercise may be effective, but they take a long time to work and involve a great deal of effort and discipline.

If you want to lose weight quickly and with literally no effort, I suggest you buy this vial right here. It contains a highly contagious, fast acting, flesh eating bacteria.

One sniff of this vial, and the pounds while melt away.

Literally.

Along with your liver, spleen, heart and lungs.

Most of that is water weight though.

Sure, it may cause death. I don't have the facts in front of me, but I know the mortality rate is pretty high, somewhere north of 80%. But, you know the old saying, "No risk, no reward."

It seems to me like you have a simple choice:

Do you want to be the fattest girl on the beach?

Or the sexiest corpse in the morgue?

Q: What is being done to eradicate poverty in Virginia?

A: A problem as serious and unsightly as poverty must be handled with a certain amount of discretion. To address the situation in broad daylight would certainly upset our fine citizens who would shudder at the sight of these poor wretches and perhaps lose all faith in our capitalist system.

We can't have that.

Thus, our decision to deal with this matter at night, under the cover of darkness, makes perfect sense. No one has to see these poor, miserable people with their rotten teeth, their awful hair cuts and their out of date clothes. Some of them still wear Zubaz, if you imagine that.

Plus, the darkness gives us ample opportunity to hide and sneak up on them. Unlike these sad, pathetic people, we have money and can afford the nicer things in life, such as night vision goggles and high powered sniper rifles.

Thanks to our clandestine efforts, we've been able to eradicate 500 hundred paupers over the last three months alone. We expect to eradicate a great deal more tonight. We set up a TV in that vacant lot over there. That really seems to draw them in.

I did say this was all off the record, right?

Q: Can a physical change can change an object into a different kind of matter?

A: It sure can.

Take your physical change, for instance.

When you were beautiful, I was a a completely engaged husband who hung on your every word and lived to make you happy.

Then your apartment building caught on fire.

Now that you're horribly scarred, I've become a disinterested husband wondering how long he has to wait to get a divorce before people judge him.

What was that, honey?

If I adjust your pillow, I might have to touch you. I can't put myself through that right now.

Press that button and call a nurse. Maybe the cute blonde will come.

At least one of us should be happy.

Q: Is sperm the largest constituent by volume of seminal fluid?

A: In most cases, yes.

By a substantial amount.

In your case, no.

To a puzzling degree.

Your seminal fluid mainly consists of microscopic warships from the Cat's Eye Nebula.

You should probably see a doctor.

I'm not a doctor.

I never said I was a doctor.

I just asked for your sperm sample.

You're a very trusting man.

Q: What do the codes on plastic containers mean?

A: What you call codes, we call labels.

For instance, this combination of letters and numbers is not a hidden message, but a word. 7-Up. It's a delicious and refreshing carbonated beverage, packaged in a plastic two liter bottle.

This container contains caramel popcorn. That's why the label says "Caramel Corn." Not a code. Nothing secret, but an explanation. You can read a label and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what's in the container.

This label says "Mayonnaise."

I bet I know what's in this container.

I bet it's mayonnaise.

Yup, I was right.

Mayonnaise.

The label told me the truth. That's what labels do. They tell the truth.

Now, can you guess what's in that container you're holding, the one with the hand written label that says "Mom's Ashes"?

That's a nice guess, but does it really taste like cake batter?

Guess again. Maybe without eating another spoonful first.

Q: How do you remove the dashboard of a Jeep Liberty?

A: I don't have the slightest idea. As far as I know, that thing never comes off.

No sir, there's no way there are any drugs hidden under there.

That powder is flour. I like to make cakes while I drive. It soothes me.

Is there some law about making cakes while driving?

Don't taste it! I don't use edible flour. I make show cakes. The flour contains poison. Poison, which I am told, that tastes almost exactly like cocaine. I wouldn't know myself. I don't do drugs. Users are losers, sir. I am not a loser.

No, I can't show you any cakes. My last one flew out the window.

Trust me, I'm as disappointed as you are.

Can I go now, Officer? I think you've wasted enough of my time with your ridiculous questions.

Q: How do you answer job interview question why we should not hire you?

A: The best response would show your humility, your awareness and your dedication.

On a recent job interview, I was asked the same question. I had prepared myself for such an event and gave the following answer:

"You wouldn't hire me because you feel that I am better than you in every way and you don't want me to outshine you, usurp your position, steal your friends and your wife, and live the life you've always dreamed.

Judging by these surveillance photos I have of you, taken on the 11th, 14th and 16th of November, that wouldn't be too hard.

Here you are crying, literally crying, into your beer at a T.G.I. Fridays while drinking all alone. Here you are freaking out behind the dumpster because you spilled coffee on your tie before an important meeting. Here you are failing to satisfy your wife in bed. She does not look happy. Nor surprised.

No wonder you feel so threatened by me. I understand why you wouldn't want to hire me, since you are such a failure as a manager, as a husband, and as a man. Not hiring me would be yet another in the endless line of mistakes you call a life, as detailed in these extensive interviews with you mother. "

You'll be surprised to hear that, despite my perfect answer, I did not get the job. Apparently McDonalds wanted to "go in a different direction" with their fry cooks.