Q: Does shark have backbone?

A: No. They are all just big bullies. That's why you have to stand up to them.

Go over to that one, look him in his cold, black eyes, like the eyes of a doll, and tell him, under no uncertain terms, that he must stop eating all the tourists.

He'll respect you for it and, more importantly, I'll respect you for it.

Then maybe we can talk about you sleeping inside the house again.

Q: What does pear shaped really mean?

A: It means you are fat. We've been trying to be nice about it, but let's face facts. You are fat.

I'm sure you are wonderful boy, with a charming personality and a dry wit, but little, fat boys like you have no place in the Miss Delaware Pageant.

This is a beauty contest, not a self-esteem convention.

Q: What percent of bullies have no peers or friends?

A: The same percentage who respond well to a soundly reasoned argument against bullying. That would be zero. Zero percent.

Now, can you please help me get down from this flagpole? I've been up here for days and I think heard some wolves approaching.

Q: Is sharing housework between husbands and wives the key to successful marriage?

A: It's one of the keys, certainly. However looking over your list, I am not so sure the housework is divided as equally as you think.

For instance, "Watch TV all day" is not housework.

Neither is "Eat dinner."

Nor is "Nap."

Q: How can a twelve year old get taller?

A: You can wait until you get older. But who has the patience for that?

I suggest drinking out of this can I have here in my brown paper bag. It's a good old fashioned growth serum. Tale a sip.

Yeah, it sure does burn. That means it's working.

How about you go lay down behind that dumpster? You might feel woozy while the serum takes effect.

And you should probably take off your pants. Wouldn't want them to get ruined by your sudden growth spurt.