Q: Why does the silica content of the seawater in the Atlantic and Pacific oceans increase as the depth of the water increases?

A: That's a simple question, with a simple answer, an answer any marine biologist knows by heart. You see, when the depths of the oceans increase the, uh ... silica, um, well it also, um ... increases ... because ...

I know this, but I can't remember the words I need to say to explain it to you. This is basic marine biology, first day stuff, and as a marine biologist I should have this answer in my back pocket.

You can tell I'm a marine biologist because I'm wearing this lab coat, and these goggles, and my ID badge says "Marine Biologist" on it, right beneath my name. You can tell I'm a marine biologist because I'm telling you I'm a marine biologist. Who would lie about that? Who would spend their life coveting the position of marine biologist, shadowing a leader in the field for days, learning his every move, his every thought, dressing like him, acting like him, until one day he could become him, until one day he could burst into his lab, beat him over the head with a whale bone and steal his identity? A crazy person, that's who.

I am not a crazy person. I am a marine biologist. Again, I point you in the direction of my ID badge.

I spilled some acid on my badge, that's why you can't read my name. I was using the acid to melt some garbage, a common procedure for marine biologists. I was about to write my name on my badge but you walked into the lab and began haranguing me with questions about water depths and silica content and the whereabouts of a fictional Dr. Throckmorton, a man I've never heard of, nor seen. I became distracted and failed to write my name on my badge.

My name is not important. What's important is that I am a marine biologist.

I know whales are not fish; whales are mammals. Many people don't know that, but, as a marine biologist, I know it by heart. I also know the correlation between silica content and water depth by heart, but as I said before, your sudden appearance in my lab, while I was hastily fixing my name tag, and sliding a  large, heavy sack of garbage under my desk, startled me and made me forget the most basic of marine facts, aside from the fact about the whales. This is really all your fault. In all my years as a marine biologist, I have never been so disrespected in my own lab. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

If you're not going to leave, I'm going to have to ask you to help me carry the large, heavy sack of garbage to the incinerator. If the garbage begins to stir, or moan, or scream, or claim to be the fictional Dr. Throckmorton, do not be alarmed. Marine biology trash often moves, or moans, or lies. It's one of the perks of the profession.

If you're not going to help me dispose of my large, heavy, stirring, moaning sack of garbage, I'm going to have to ask you to drink from this beaker.

The beaker does not contain acid. The label is an acronym meaning Apple Cider Irish Drink. It's basically apple cider and whiskey. I apologize if you are Irish and the name of the drink offended you.

If you're not going to drink the Apple Cider Irish Drink, I'm going to have to ask you to look out the window while I club you with this whale bone. If you're not going to let me club you with this whale bone, I'm going to have to ask you to stop shouting for the police.