Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Q: How do you load amazon book to computer and then to kindle?

A: You need to download the Kindle version of the book. You can't simply shove the book into the disc drive.

No, not even page by page.

Don't eat the book. That won't solve anything.

Sometimes I wish we had never taken you from your wolf family and tried to teach you how to live like a man.

Q: How much money does a school bus driver earn in NYC?

A: If you are real careful and know how to cover your tracks, you can earn hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.

Unless you drive one of the short buses. No one is interested in buying those children.

Q: How do you make a tiered cake?

A: You usually put the largest tier on the bottom. And you usually make it out of something other than brick.

Q: What is the relationship between f-stop and shutter speed?

A: They are both very important in the making of any snuff film.

But not nearly as important, as you, our star!

Q: How do you acquire magic?

A: By doing a lot of tricks. Start with that one over there in the Impala. He's been staring at your for a while. He doesn't look like a cop.

Make sure you get the money first.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Q: Is there a substitute for brandy when cooking?

A: There is no substitute for brandy in any part of life. Except a plastic bag full of bathtub gin made from apricots and raisins and pennies. I doubt you have that.

You do have that? Really?

Wow, I sure lucked out when it came to cell mates. You certainly do have everything. I'm sure you've heard this before, but you're kind of perfect.

If only you'd sleep on your stomach every once in a while.

Q: How do you get your boyfriend to kiss you for the first time if you are both scared?

A: Put some peanut butter on your face.

I assume your boyfriend is a horse.

Q: What is responsible for sudden movements in the body?

A: It could be that you are tired, or tense, or having a muscle spasm.

It's more likely you have been impregnated by an alien parasite and are about to give birth to a horrifying creature with razor sharp claws and teeth and acid for blood.

There's only one way to be sure: We are going to have to kill you and burn your body.

No, an X-Ray would take minutes and we simply do not have the time.

If my theory is right, you'll thank me. It would be pretty painful to have that monster burst out of your chest.

If my theory is wrong, don't worry, I will console your very attractive wife. I'll tell her you went mad and tried to kill us all, so she won't feel bad.

Q: Are wind turbines a good idea?

A: That crazy old man and his little Spanish friend seem intent on fighting something. I just had that dragon decal put on my car. I don't want it to get all scratched.

Q: Why do people sometimes have a worse allergic reaction to a substance the second and third time?

A: This batch of crack has more cat hair in it. Much more. To an embarrassing extent.

I'm sorry, but my overhead has gone way up and I've had to cut costs somewhere.

By overhead, I mean "lean-to". As you can see I upgraded to a refrigerator box. It's larger and keeps the cats warm.

They get colder quicker now that they are hairless.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Q: Can a person work in childcare with a criminal record?

A: I certainly hope so. Our whole heist kind of hinges on it. We probably should have done a little research before we spent six months planning.

But my wife wants an army of adorable babies and I'm not inclined to disappoint her.

Q: How much is harry potter and deathly hallows first edition with cast signatures worth?

A: A book is a collection of lines on paper. These lines create letters. The letters make words, the words sentences and the sentences paragraphs. Put them all together and you have a story.

What I'm trying to say is that a book can not have a cast. They wouldn't be able to fit inside, and you'd probably hear them scream anytime you closed it.

So, your book, covered with so-called "cast" signatures, is completely worthless. However, it does appear completely delicious.

May I have a bite?

No, I don't recall ever having to take medication.

And there's that orange yak again.

Q: What treatment was used for typhoid fever in the middle ages?

A: A good bleeding.

If that didn't work, a good drowning.

If that didn't work, shunning by the entire community.

At that point, if the patient was still alive, they would be shot and placed in a large pile.

Q: What need prompted the invention of the television?

A: The need for society to be dumber, spend more money on things they can't afford and feel worse about themselves.

Also, live theatre had become a little too full of itself and needed to be destroyed.

Q:Why are lunar roving vehicles used in space?

A: Wherever man dare travel, he also dare hold a Cannonball Run.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Q: How many people are usually in a dance team?

A: Usually, about 8-10 people. Sometimes, as many as 20. For this contest, we limited the number to 6.

It's cute that your whole town formed a dance team and everyone got in shape and mastered the choreography and everything. You've all worked so hard and come so far. I bet some of you even put aside long standing personal differences. All to save one little old rec center. It's really a heartwarming story.

A heartwarming story that ends in defeat.

As I said, each team can only have 6 members. Your team has 272.

You are disqualified.

Q: What are some field hockey quotes?

A: It's hard to say.  Most of the more famous quotes are simple moans and groans uttered under the breath and from behind a set of binoculars.

Q: How did the Patriots fight the war in the West and in the South?

A: By maximizing their talent, drafting well, creating foolproof strategies for victory, and cheating. Always, constantly, relentlessly cheating.

Q: What are the three types of earthquake risks?

A: 1.) Revealing dangerous volcanoes beneath Los Angeles.
2.) Destroying Faberge egg collection.
3.) Standing near fat people with inner ear disorders.

Q: Are the shy girls who smile while singing in the choir actually nervous and more so than the ones who aren't smiling?

A: The girls who are smiling are being held hostage. They are being forced to smile.

The girls who aren't smiling are mannequins. They're incapable of being nervous. They're incapable of being afraid. They're incapable of being in love.

No matter how hard you try, they'll never love you back. Never.

Why do they have to make them so beautiful?

Friday, November 26, 2010

Q: What reduces the mechanical advantage of a machine?

A: You could unplug it. Or rip out its wiring. Or flip the breaker. Or hit it with a hammer.

There are literally dozens of ways. You should have enough material for many, many episodes. 

But, I am not really sure your "Man vs. Blender"pilot will be as big a hit as you think.

I still don't get it.

Q: Can you say I battered him with too many questions? .

A: Yes, you can say that.

You can also say, and this way is slightly more correct, "I battered him with a cricket bat while asking him too many questions."

But, it's your confession. Write it how ever you want.

Q: Why one muscle bundle can vary in amount of contraction at different times?

A: The wiring in the chair is all messed up. This is why we should go back to firing squads.

Q:How long is a tour in the army infantry?

A: That's not a question we like to hear on someone's first day.

Now get out there and keep shooting.

The General promised to promote me if we capture that bunker.

And if I get promoted, I like to take my friends with me. That is, as long as my friends survive this poor-planned, ill-advised, suicide mission.

You should probably take some more bullets.

Q: What type of microorganism is responsible for salmonella?

A: There is no microorganism responsible for salmonella. Thoughts are responsible for salmonella.

Your thoughts.

Your vile, unclean, impure thoughts.

That's why everyone is so sick. Because you wanted this.

Even if I properly cooked the turkey, everyone would have been sick.

All because of your thoughts.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Q: How many Diary of a Wimpy kids books have been sold to date?

 A: Over 12 million copies have been sold. Unfortunately, those numbers don't take into account the number of books stolen and read by bullies.

Q: Should you make someone vomit if they swallow chemicals?

A: It depends on what kind of chemical they have swallowed.

If the chemical is a mixture of alcohol and energy drink like Four Loko, then no, for the party is about to get started.

If the chemical is a mixture of corrosives and evil, like Moxie Cola, then yes. For the love of God, yes. Nothing ruins a party like Moxie Cola.

That actually used to be their slogan, until it was replaced for being "far too accurate."

Q: What does this quote mean It is hard to fail but it is worse never to have tried to succeed?

A: It means that sometimes people work very hard to achieve their dreams but fall short anyway.

These people get very sad and very lonely, since no one likes a failure.

In order to attract company, they encourage others to fail as well.

Q: What is power in mathematics?

A: In mathematics, as in any other science, knowledge is power. Specifically, knowledge of mathematics. Also, a general familiarity with numbers helps.

For instance, a math teacher should be able to identify numbers and be able to differentiate them from letters and drawings of butterflies. It doesn't appear that you are able to do that.

Which means that you are not a math teacher.

Which means that you are not Mr. Henderson.

Which means that I've wasted another Parent-Teacher Conference talking to a janitor.

The broom should have given it away. And your attire. And the fact that your office seems to be a supply closet.

This is why my wife doesn't like me drinking before these things.

Q: Does ice cream have fat in it and why?

A: Cream is pretty much all fat and, therefore, so is ice cream.

The fat is usually in the cream.

There shouldn't be chunks of gristle.

Where did you say you got it?

We didn't hire a clown for your birthday party.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Q: What is the role of data base?

A: Data Base is G.I. Joe's Junior Technical Administrator. He keeps track of everyone's code names and specialties and weapons. He's really eager and works very hard and he's an asset to the team.

He is not allowed to go in the field.

He is not allowed to use a weapon, nor will he ever be.

He's probably the least qualified member of the G.I. Joe team that we have ever had, but Snake Eyes accidentally killed his parents and we had to do something with the kid. A lawsuit would have ruined us.

So now you know, and knowing is the half the battle.

The other half is fighting. As I said before, Data Base will never be involved in that half.

Q: What were some of the problems that pyramid builders had to face?

A: The alien architects who designed the pyramids often asked for building materials that were not available on Earth.

Q: What is the song called that goes double them booty?

A: It is called Symphony Number 29 in A Minor by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The lyrics in question are not as apparent as those in modern-day music, but they are there, between the lines, seemingly beneath the lines, in the silence.

I am beginning to suspect one of you has spiked my tea.

Q: How long does it take to defrost a pie?

A: Defrosting a pie can take up to a day. Defiling a pie only takes a moment.

Q: Do foxes live in the forests?

A: I find more foxes at the mall, if you know what I mean. They do end up in the forest, but I wouldn't say they "live" there, if you know what I mean.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Q: When do night terrors occur?

A: Every time I fall asleep. My eyes get heavy, I drift off and, the next thing I know, I hear screams.

The most blood curdling screams.

And women crying.

And men crying.

And it feels like someone is shaking me. Someone is shaking me and yelling "For God's sake, wake up, or we're all going to die!"

When I wake up, I feel just terrible. And I hurt all over.

So, you see, it was because of these night terrors that I left Greyhound Bus Lines. The night terrors and only the night terrors. I can't remember when they started. I can't remember much before yesterday, actually.

Sooooo, am I going to drive this school bus or not?

Q: Do doctors get paid monthly?

A: No. They get paid each and every time they put their hands on you and make you feel better. Just like prostitutes.

Only with more schooling and much higher self-esteem.

Q: What do you do when a child with autism hurts your child?

A: Drop a box of matches on the floor. That will keep him distracted long enough for your child to attack.

Q: Can you give me an example of reliability?

A: When you needed someone to feed your cat, I was there.

When you needed someone to help you find new furniture to replace everything that was stolen when I forgot to lock the door when feeding your cat. I was there.

When you needed someone to take you to the hospital when your substandard new furniture collapsed and you broke your hip, I was there.

When you needed someone to have sex with your girlfriend when you were in the hospital, I was there.

I think it's safe to say that I am the most reliable friend you have.

Q: How can you find out if somebody has left you something in his will?

A: That's usually a question you ask someone before you spend months planning their death and making it look like an accident. If you are not in your uncle's will, why did we do all this?

The phrase "Hard work is its own reward" does not apply. Please stop saying it. Please. Stop. Now.

Hey, on a completed unrelated note, am I in your will?

Monday, November 22, 2010

Q:How many types of woodpeckers are there in Edmonton Alberta?

A: As far as I know, there is only one type. The birds that peck on the tress and annoy the hell out of me.

Oh, and there's also Jim Dale. I guess you could include him. He suffered a war wound in a very unfortunate area. Always a do-it-yourself kind of guy, Jim insisted on finding a way to satisfy his wife. So he built that contraption.

He claims she likes it. From what I hear, she complains a lot about all the splinters.

Q: What will make an outgoing guy not saying hi to you everyday but only stare at you and smile weirdly sometimes when he can always say hi to everyone?

A: He may be smitten with you. Or he may be having a stroke. Either way, expect to see some drooling.

Q: Why do you think George Washington was chosen to bring a message to the French on behalf of the Britich crown?

A: The British assumed that all French were deathly allergic to peanuts. They knew very little about France. Even less about George Washington.

Q:How do you know if a guy just likes you as a friend?

A: Despite your obvious attraction, your blatant flirtation and your passionate objection, he still marries your sister.

Q: What chemical formula of steel?

A: You  take a little bit of Shaquille O'Neal, add a little bit of Superman, mix it up real well and then sprinkle on a generous helping of complete apathy on the part of the American public.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Q: What is in a starfish food chain?

A: Microscopic plankton ==> Starfish ===> People starving to death on deserted islands.

Q: Are your reindeer sleeping?

A: Yes. Yes. Of course they are. That is why they are so still and quiet. Because they are sleeping and not for any other reason.

Incidentally, what did you think of those burgers I made earlier? They were made of beef. Pure, beef and nothing else.

They tasted like beef to me.

No, I've always had 7 reindeer. I don't think any are missing.

That's not blood. I must have spilled some red paint when I was painting the sleigh.

How about we stop asking questions and we go back inside for some more, delicious burgers?

I'll be there in a minute. If you hear a chainsaw, it's because I am making some adjustments to the sleigh.

Q: What are the aims of the UK organization 'Children in Need'?

A: To provide the youth of today with proper fake beards and moustaches, so they can sneak into adult movies and strip clubs.

Q: How are teens after rehab?

A: Far less susceptible to the lures of drugs and alcohol. You're going to have to try actually being charming. Or, invest in some ether.

Q: Why were cats sacred to ancient Romans?

A: Ancient Romans? Oh, you mean that lovely couple down the street who passed away recently? They weren't Ancient Romans. They were a very old couple from Italy.

I don't know if cats were sacred to them. They just had a lot of them. I think it's all they had.

No, you can't have one of the cats. Most of them are feral. The rest died from eating the corpses.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Q: If a student withdraws from a class what must he or she do with the books?

A: They can either burn them for warmth, or build a fort out of them. It's not like they'll be reading them.

Q: What would win a grizzly bear or 3 wolves?

A: Are you kidding? The grizzly bear will win. I am positive. He's bigger, stronger and meaner. Plus he has those huge claws. And those teeth.

Also, the wolves have been heavily sedated.

I bet a lot of money on the bear and I don't like to leave things to chance.

Q: What do you call the man who sings for snake?

A: We call him Gus, but his real name is Murry. I'm not sure how he got the name Gus. I guess someone said it and it just caught on.

He only sings for Snake on Wednesday and Fridays. Those are the nights Snake bowls in the co-ed league over at Ken's. Snake's a real good singer, but bowling is his passion.

Music is Gus's passion, but he's not much of a singer. Still, we let him go up there twice a week to mumble and growl and live out his dream.

The crowd doesn't much care for it. They say the most awful things.

Gus doesn't mind. He just smiles and keeps making those awful noises. I guess it's because he can't hear them, on account of being deaf-mute.

Q: How do i get pictures from razor to other phone?

A: By sending via text, as a media message, or by email. Now that's a Razor phone we're talking about, not an actual straight razor.

An actual straight razor can't take pictures. Those are reflections. And they shouldn't be talking to you.

I'm guessing you have stopped taking your medication.

Q: What did people in the time of Shakespeare do in there daily life?

A: Covet. Usurp. Plot. Brood. Avenge. Mostly, they had misunderstandings.

It was a lot like life in the time of "Three's Company". But far more believable.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Q: What is sequence of community changes that take place after a community is disrupted by natural disasters of human activities?

A: The sequence is as follows:

1.) Looting
2.) Finding like-minded people, forming gang.
3.) Coveting spouses.
4.) Looting.
5.) Killing pact member whose wife you covet. Making it look like an accident.
6.) Consoling spouse.
7.) Consoling her again the next morning.
8.) Hunting weakest gang member for food and sport, but mostly sport.
9.) Looting.
10.) Sending gang on suicide mission. Ending up alone.
11.) Repeat steps 1-10

Q: Is it bad to ask a guy out on his birthday?

A: Absolutely not. Most guys would love to get asked out on their birthday.

Make sure it is actually his birthday, and not the anniversary of the day he was acquitted for strangling seven waitresses in the Bay Area.

Not every cake is a birthday cake.

Q: How do pressure change as you go from the surface towards the center of the earth?

A: The pressure increases significantly, as does the aggression of the mole people.

Q: What makes you suitable for the vacancy you applied for?

A: I have all the knowledge of the person who previously held the position.

I acquired it when I cooked and ate his brain.

Which means I created the vacancy in the first place.

If nothing else, you should admire my initiative. And culinary daring.

Q: How do you heal bed bug bites on your skin?

A: Bed bug bites can be healed with a steady application of a topical cream and some patience.

You, however, do not have bed bug bites. You have bed sores. Those can be avoided entirely by rolling onto your back once in a while or getting out of bed altogether.

The expression "making a living on your back" is just that, an expression. Your laziness is making this brothel a laughingstock.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Q: What does a girl want on her birth day?

A: It's hard to tell. Women can be so finicky. I know one thing, your lady friend would like nothing more than to escape from the pit I dug in my basement. It's really deep and the walls are very slick, so it's impossible for her to climb out.

I'm thinking of giving her what she wants for her birthday, and I might just do it, if she PUTS THE FUCKING LOTION IN THE BASKET!

Q: What stone problem would cause pain in the middle of your back on the left side?

A: Here at Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" Fantasy Camp, we like to think of stones as solutions, not problems. Solutions to the problems caused by the undue stress of the modern world. We believe that there isn't a problem in the world that can't be solved by being pelted to death with stones thrown by angry strangers.

Your particular solution was a large one, thrown by that girl over there. The one with the pretty dress and the bloodthirsty eyes and the poor aim.

We started this Fantasy Camp as a joke. We never really thought anyone would attend. We were surprised when you showed up, and brought your whole family with you.

I take it you never read the book.

Or, you read it, and you don't know what words mean.

Either way, here come more stones!

You are welcome.

Q: Should a doctor take out stitches?

A: Look, the Joker planted that bomb in your stomach and we only have 30 seconds until it explodes, so we don't really have time to dicker over who did or did not go to medical school and who may or not be drunk.

Q: What is the function of the senate in the federal government?

A: It gives the very rich the feeling that they have accomplished something with their lives.

Q: What is way to represent 4 cows died?

Q: With this heaping pile of Quarter-Pounders. If you eat all of them, it's like having a Thirty-One Pounder. Then those cows won't have died for nothing.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Q: If you fall asleep while driving does your car slow down or speed up?

A: Do you really think I'm going to fall for that? This is not my first kidnapping, young lady.

Q: What happens to your body when it gets paralyzed?

A: You lose all feeling as well as the ability to move. You literally cannot lift a finger. You will not feel pain, or pleasure, or numbness or tingling.

What I am trying to say is that you are not paralyzed. Your foot fell asleep.

Therefore, you are not excluded from serving in the infantry.

Q: How much damage can rain do?

A: Not much. It's not like it can reshape the earth or anything.

Oh, I'm sorry, it can do that. Exactly that.

Rain is very powerful. And very cleansing.

You should have thought about all of this before you read all those filthy magazines.

I know that they were under my bed. I keep them there so that no one else reads them.

I have no idea how they got so sticky.The publisher must use a cheap printing process, which makes the ink run, which makes the pages sticky.

It makes sense to me.

I've had enough of your questions. You're sleeping in the yard. End of discussion.

No, you may not take a magazine with you.

Q: Why do wolves attack at the neck?

A: It's the only part of your body not covered in armor. I told you to wear the iron neck brace, but you wouldn't listen.

You just had to turn be able to turn your head. You just had to.

Please stop bleeding on me. This suit is brand new.

Q: What smoking condition causes fatigue weight loss shortness of breath and weight loss?

A: I was going to say crack until you mentioned fatigue. Crack doesn't make you tired. You must be mixing it with something.

I can only assume you are smoking some mixture of crack and cookie dough.

The weight loss probably stems from an unrelated tape worm.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Q: How was life like in the great depression?

A: It was wonderful. A non-stop party.

The era was named ironically, to throw off potential Viking invaders.

Q: Can you give me a sentence with the word reputation in it?

A: Your condescending questions will surely damage your reputation as "Not-An-Asshole."

Q: How old do you have to be to drive tractor on a farm?

A: On my farm, you have to be 13.

And you have to have arms. Both arms.

I told you to respect the thresher. But did you listen?

No. No, you did not.

Q: How do you design a high school course?

A: I think of all the ideals our young people should have.

Then I find the most tenuous connections between these ideals the film Forrest Gump.

Then I put a DVD of Forrest Gump in the DVD Player.

Then I press play.

That's half a semester right there.

I'm still thinking about what to do after mid-terms.

I think there's a lot they can learn from Tango & Cash.

Q: Can you deal with infidelity in your relationship?

A: You sure can. The best way to deal with infidelity is to keep it totally secret. Create a fake identity and only have sex with strangers in town on business. Buy a prepaid cell phone. Always pay cash. It's the little things like that that will help you hide your infidelities for decades.

Oh. I see. You're not the perpetrator of then infidelity. You're the victim.

Have you tired dressing a little nicer? And not crying so much?

You have?

Then I got nothing.

Wait. You could sleep with me. That would show him, wouldn't it? Wouldn't it?

And here come the tears again.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Q: Why is church a formal organization?

A: You can't show up in your bathrobe and there's no cussing or beer drinking.

Q: What happens when posterior portion of the neural tube fail to develop properly?

A: Look, I happen to like Pro-Wrestling, okay.

I know that it's fake. Yes, it's kind of homo-erotic.

It's not all like that. Some of it can be quite good..

It doesn't make me an imbecile.

Q: What evidence did Edwin Hubble use to determine the universe is expanding?

A: His own expanding girth. After gaining 185 pounds over the course of three years due to his diet of fried chicken and ice cream sodas, he grew tired of explaining his new "look" at dinner parties and buffets.

One night, while pouring Hollandaise sauce on his third tray of bacon, he was asked if he "Haven''t you had enough." He quipped, "The universe is expanding. I'm trying to keep up." Those in attendance laughed uproariously and the phrase stuck.

Q: Who made embassy banjos?

A: In some ways, Embassy Banjos made themselves, created by the spirit of music itself.

In another, more literal, far more accurate way, Embassy Banjos were made by hillbillies. Men named Billy, who lived in the hills of West Virginia. Cruel, evil men, who tracked innocent hikers by day and spent the night killing them, tanning their skin and stretching it across banjo frames made from their bones.

Homemade Human Skin and Bone Banjos Made By Cannibals frightened consumers more than the Billies expected. After much consideration, debate, and violence, they settled on the name Embassy Banjos.

Q: What is the diet for the flying squirrel?

A: Today, he'll be feasting on lead.

On lead.

It probably would have been more impressive if I had cocked my shotgun while I said it. Ask me again. Ask me!

Today, he'll be feasting ... on lead.

Yes, that means I'm going to shoot the squirrel.

Why are you crying? What did you think we were doing today? Why did you think we brought guns?

Of course we're hunting squirrels.

Living with your mother has really made you soft.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Q: What are the disadvantages of a polluted river?

A: Well, you can't drink it for one. Kids can't play in it. Can't swim in it. It turns their skin all white and chalky. Can't water ski in it, that's for sure. You really shouldn't be near it anyway. not if you want to keep your sense of smell.

On the plus side, it's so murky it hides the bodies incredibly well. Now, grab his legs and let's get him in there. My ears are starting to water. That can't be good.

Q: What is audit in child care?

A: Oh, it's really just a fancy word for "head count."

A head count is when we count the number of children at the beginning and end of the day, to make sure we haven't lost any.

I realize you have never done one. That's why we are doing this audit.

And why I brought the police.

Q: Are you ready for fly?

A: To fly.

To fly.

That's the expression. "Are you ready to fly?" You would say that and then launch the catapult.

It's a good thing they don't rate Batman villains on grammar. Or names.

Because you'd be right at the bottom, Catapult Jimmy.

Q: Why do you use foam on a oil fire?

A: Foam cools the fire and stops it from spreading.

Foam does that. Foam.

Not Silly String.

As you can plainly see, Silly String does not put out an oil fire.

As you can plainly see, Silly String spreads the fire. Alarmingly fast.

I have to admit, it was funny the way you said "Everybody chill" right before you sprayed the Silly String. 

It was less funny when Dale got engulfed in flame.

Win some, lose some, I guess.

Q: How will you use the dates August 6 and August 9 to create awareness about the ill effects of nuclear disasters?

A: With my new line of  "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" commemorative T-Shirts.

Don't worry, they're tasteful. They're all tattered and soiled and shit.

Oh, and they glow in the dark. You know, as a reminder of all the pain and suffering.

Soooo, are you going to buy one?

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Q: Do crabs live in the deepest part of the ocean?

A: Yes. They do. At least some of them.

Others, such as hermit crabs, live in very shallow water near the beach.

Then there are the kind that live in pubic hair.

Guess which kind I gave you.

Here's a hint: If properly cooked and eaten, they would not prove to be delicious.

Q: How to make an egg drop project without a parachute or commercial packing materials that can survive a two story drop?

 A: Master telekinesis.

Q: Can someone legally listen to your phone conversation?

A: I'm not trying to listen to your phone conversation.

Your father collapsed and I'm trying to call 911.

For the love of God, please stop citing legal precedents and get off the phone.

Q: How much does a private school cost in California?

A: Okay, fine. I'll take out the trash. Do you always have to be so passive aggressive, Mom?

Q: What to do when your sound doesn't work on a mac?

A: Accept the fact that you are deaf and your childhood dream of being a world famous composer will never come true.

Set your sights on a new, achievable dream, like being really good at Farmville.


Friday, November 12, 2010

Q: Does shark have backbone?

A: No. They are all just big bullies. That's why you have to stand up to them.

Go over to that one, look him in his cold, black eyes, like the eyes of a doll, and tell him, under no uncertain terms, that he must stop eating all the tourists.

He'll respect you for it and, more importantly, I'll respect you for it.

Then maybe we can talk about you sleeping inside the house again.

Q: What does pear shaped really mean?

A: It means you are fat. We've been trying to be nice about it, but let's face facts. You are fat.

I'm sure you are wonderful boy, with a charming personality and a dry wit, but little, fat boys like you have no place in the Miss Delaware Pageant.

This is a beauty contest, not a self-esteem convention.

Q: What percent of bullies have no peers or friends?

A: The same percentage who respond well to a soundly reasoned argument against bullying. That would be zero. Zero percent.

Now, can you please help me get down from this flagpole? I've been up here for days and I think heard some wolves approaching.

Q: Is sharing housework between husbands and wives the key to successful marriage?

A: It's one of the keys, certainly. However looking over your list, I am not so sure the housework is divided as equally as you think.

For instance, "Watch TV all day" is not housework.

Neither is "Eat dinner."

Nor is "Nap."

Q: How can a twelve year old get taller?

A: You can wait until you get older. But who has the patience for that?

I suggest drinking out of this can I have here in my brown paper bag. It's a good old fashioned growth serum. Tale a sip.

Yeah, it sure does burn. That means it's working.

How about you go lay down behind that dumpster? You might feel woozy while the serum takes effect.

And you should probably take off your pants. Wouldn't want them to get ruined by your sudden growth spurt.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Q: How many years of school would you have to take to become a psychiatrist?

A: Many, many years of difficult schooling are required. That's why I encourage you to become an amateur psychiatrist. All you have to do is ask a lot of questions and after each answer, pause and say "And how does that make you feel?"

For some reason, it also helps if you have a beard.

Q :What would happen if some of the red blood cell were placed in water with very little salt?

A: The vampires would still be able to tell the difference.

Damn it! We have to think of a way to fool them or we'll never survive this dinner party.

I should have known something was up when the invitation included the phrase "Please wash neck."

At least we know for next time. If there is a next time.

Q: Who sounds the bugle at the beginning of a battle?

A: Generally, we pick the worst soldier to play the bugle. Unfortunately, since we are considerably out-manned, we need every able soldier to fight, even those with very poor aim, or the ones who are cowards.

But fear not men, we will not charge into battle without a call to arms. I have with me a cassette tape of famous bugle sounds.

One second, let me just put it in my portable stereo. And press play.

It's probably not wise to start with "Taps". I'll just fast forward a little bit.

Oh, that's not very heroic either.

You know what, the enemy is very close and I know you are excited to fight. Let's all just pretend we heard a rousing call to arms and charge into battle. All right then, on with it.

Q: What is the pit crew used for in NASCAR Racing?

A: Everyone on my crew serves a purpsose.

Bobby refills the gas tank.

Gus and Darryl change the tires.

Kenny cleans all the bugs off the windshield and the rodents off the grill.

Mike reminds to turn left. Always turn. You don't want to make that mistake twice.

Q: How many hot dogs are eaten per game at a minor league baseball game?

A: About 400. Generally, that's by the whole crowd, not one man. You don't need to be a hero.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Q: What are the homeopathic uses of the crab apple fruit?

A: As far as I know, there are zero homeopathic uses.

There are, however, literally dozens of erotic uses.

I would be happy to show you, if you would be so kind as to put your car in park, roll down your window and stopping honking your horn and screaming for help. You are making a scene.

Q: What is it called when you fix a female cat?

A: Did the cat live?

Yes?

Yes!

In the field of self-taught, at-home, veterinary medicine, we call that a roaring success.

Let's have a drink. Trust me, you'll need it. We still have forty-six other cats in this bag.

Q: How do you congratulate the parents of the bride?

A: I find the best way is with a drunken, profanity laced toast.

Q: What is removed when using a fire extinguisher?

A: The ability to play hilarious, fire extinguisher related pranks in the future.

Q: How do you find out if you are a veteran?

A: Turn off all the lights. Lay down on your back. Relax. Close your eyes.

Do you hear gunfire? Screams? Helicopter blades?

Open your eyes. Look at your TV.

Is "Apocalypse Now" playing?

If not, you might just be a veteran.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Q: What two generals decide to meet and declare the surrender after the Civil War?

A: General Ulysses S. Grant and General Harland Sanders.

The terms of the surrender were so unfavorable to the South that General Sanders was subsequently demoted to Colonel.

Q: How does lack of sleep affect your sports performance?

A: It vastly improves it. That's why so many mixed martial artists don't sleep in the days leading up to the fight. That way, they are more motivated to end the fight early and go home and get a good night's sleep.

Q: Does heart worm medicine for dogs keep all other worms away?

A: Thankfully, no. So keep baiting that hook. We'll be able to fish him out in no time.

Q: What does it mean when an egg yolk is green?

A: You are starring in a live action remake of the Dr. Seuss classic "Green Eggs and Ham."

Or, you are in prison, and having what is considered a normal breakfast.

Either way, I see no harm in eating the egg.

No harm for me. You might get very sick. I might be highly entertained.

Q: What sports does England excel in at the commonwealth games?

A: Decade after decade, they continue to dominate "Upper Class Twit of the Year."

Monday, November 8, 2010

Q: What are kangaroos instincts?

A: He's going to want to jab a lot. Make sure you keep your right up. Stay away from his right. And his teeth. Those are sharp.

Q: Is there a short day of the year?

A: In my experience, January 1st is the shortest day of the year. It starts around 2 in the afternoon and I don't remember much after 10. In the afternoon there are many naps.

Q: Can you control the spirit of God?

 A: Yes! And you can, too.

All you need to do is buy some of these special beads.

They are only $24.99. You'll only need to buy them once.

Well, once now, and then a new set every 90 days. God's spirit changes with the times and you'll want the most current beads to properly control it.

I know what you are going to ask and let me save you the trouble and simply say: Yes, I do accept sex as payment.

Q: What were you pilgrims like?

A: Oh, we were great. We always got along with you Native Americans.

By the way, thanks for the whole "giving us food when we were on the brink of starvation" thing. That was pretty nice of you.

In return, we would like to give you these fabulous blankets.

There are enough for everybody! Even the kids.

Q: How long is your backyard?

A: It's long enough for all the exercise I need.

I don't know that I've actually measured. I'd guess it to be 50, 60 feet long.

Hold on, I'll go measure.



How long did I say it was?

Yeah, I was way off. It's about 5 feet long.

I may have been slightly misleading when I referred to it as a backyard, since it's not really outside. It's actually in my apartment. It's not really a yard per se. It's more of a tub.

A 5 foot long metal tub.

It's still all I need for my exercise.

That, a couple otters and a fifth of Jack.

I hope this helps you with your science project.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Q: Can an experienced guitar player give me some tips?

A: Guitar strings are typically made of nylon or steel. They are not drawn on in crayon.

Q: Is caption higher then lieutenant?

A: You know it is, sir. If you didn't agree with my lunch suggestion, you could have said no.

You didn't have to pull out the chain of command chart.

You didn't have to make me practice my salute.

You didn't have to call a full meeting of the force to explain the differences in rank.

Everyone is sorry that you are impotent and cannot father a child, sir, but do you really have to ruin Take Your Daughter to Work Day every single year?

Q: Does the refrigeration of urine chance the specific gravity?

A: You know what? On second thought, I don't need an Arnold Palmer.

Wow, you have a lot of pitchers full of brown liquid in there, too. 

You know what? I'm not even thirsty at all.

Q: Can two tornadoes ever form one giant tornado?

 A: No. They can only form the legs.

They need four more for the body, arms and head to complete TornaVoltron.

Q: Why you should ban mining?

A: The definitive song on mine disasters has already been written.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Q: Can macaroni and cheese be an appetizer?

A: Look, if you are really serious about getting the role of Jake LaMotta in our high school production of "Raging Bull" you are going to have to gain about 50 pounds.

Now eat your mac and cheese. The french fry and chicken tender pizza will be ready soon.

Q: What do the Amish people believe in?

A: That some day all their hard work and discipline will inspire a man to write an epic tale about their culture's magnificent power to heal and protect.

They also don't believe in going to the movies and have no idea that film "Witness" has existed for a quarter century.

Q: Should the military give soldiers additional compensation for head injuries?

A: They already give you helmets.

We're not running a charity here, Private.

Now go out there and lure that sniper out into the open.

Q: Is the pattern on sheets suppose to face up or down?

A: Patterns should face up.

Patterns are pre-printed on the sheet before you buy them. They tend to be symmetrical and of a uniform width.

The lines on your sheets are neither symmetrical or of uniform width.

That is because they are stains.

Remember when this relationship began and I promised you that even though I was married and we worked together that things between us would never be awkward?

I was wrong. It just got really awkward.

Q: Who is the administrator of Philippine National Police Academy?

A: Commandant Eric Lassard. He's still active. And very, very, very, very old.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Q: How many miles will a hybrid vehicle go?

A: A hybrid car can drive for hundreds of miles.

I have less faith in your Go-Kart/Shark Mobile.

Replacing the engine with the body of a shark might make it look cool, but it wasn't the best idea.

And the shark is really decomposing now. That means carrion.

Q: What minimum credit score is required to get financing for a good used car?

A: A score of 580.

Or a score of 350 if you happen to excel at taking hostages.

Q: How many laps are there in Horse racing?

A: There are thousands of laps every year in horse racing, but there's on one that matters.

The lap of the jockey who won the Preakness.

And that would be me.

Why don't you have a seat?

Pants make my delicate skin chafe, so I usually don't wear them.

Please, don't run.

I'm so very lonely.

And my tiny jockey legs will make it impossible to catch you.

Q: What are 7 different types of reptiles?

A: They are as follows:

      1. ) Limbless Reptiles, such as snakes.

      2.) Scaly Beasts With Tails, such as a salamander or alligator or lizard

      3.) Reptiles With Cool Powers, such as a chameleon.

      4.) Spider-Man Villains With No or Lame Powers, such as The Lizard or The Chameleon. The Vulture bears inclusion in the category because his powers are lame and his old man skin is probably very dry and scaly.

      4.)Fictional Reptiles, such as the Anaconda from the hit 1997 film "Anaconda" starring Owen Wilson and Ice Cube or Dinosaurs from the hit ABC show "Dinosaurs".

      5 )Reptiles That Should Be Fictional, But Are Horrifyingly Real, such as a Gila Monster. Seriously, it's bite can blind you. How messed up is that?

      6.) Reptiles Made of Felt, such as Kermit The Frog. Real frogs are considered amphibians, but Felt Frogs can not get wet and are therefore classified as reptiles.

      7.) Crocodiles, both Dundee and otherwise.

Q: How do you make a guy notice you to ask you out in middle school?

A: Guys that age are tricky. They're still maturing and are pretty clueless when it comes to women. Sometimes you have to literally hit them over the head to make them realize you are even alive, let alone interested.

I suggest going after guys who are a little older, like your teachers. Specifically the ones who are married and have very young children.

Trust me. They are interested.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Q: How much glasses of water should a person drink each day?

A: Enough to make sure you can write your full name in the snow without taking a break.

Q: How can you use meteorologist in a sentence?

A: As a lifelong blithering idiot, I never felt overqualified for anything, until I become a meteorologist.

Q: What would you use to weigh a rock?

A: The window of an ex-girlfriend.

If the window breaks, the rock is heavy.

If the window doesn't break, you throw like a girl.

No wonder she broke up with you.

Q: What is the population of the big horn mountain sheep?

A: As of right now, there are eight.

But if we stick together, follow our plan and have a few breaks go our way, we can get that number down to four by nightfall.

Then we might all have a chance to survive this hiking trip.

Q: What party did Theodore Roosevelt and supporters make?

A: Roosevelt and his supporters formed the Bull Moose party in 1912. After failing to reclaim the Presidency, Roosevelt formed the Bull Moose Party Planning Company in 1913, which released over 14 poorly received stag films over the next three years.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Q: What is the North Dakota state secretary?

A: He is the man who answers the phone and answers any and all questions about North Dakota.

He's had a busy year, what with that one call in March and that other one in September. It's like 1975 all over again.

Q: What is the state babysitting laws for TN?

A: They are as follows:

  - All babies under the age of five must be cared for by a legal babysitter.

  - A loaded shotgun can not be considered a legal babysitter. Nor can a can of beer.

  - Babysitters must be paid in either legal currency, or delicious slow cooked ribs, whichever is of more value  at the time of the sitting.

  - If a babysitter is over the age of 15 and not a direct blood relative, you may have sex with her, provided you are very lonely, or haven't had sex in a while and the baby is asleep or not looking.

  - Babysitters are forbidden to place a baby in the microwave to dry it off, no matter how much chicken soup has been spilled on the baby.

  - Babysitting is a very important job and can only given to the most responsible members of society: Disinterested teenage girls.

Q: When you lose a big amount of weight in a short amount of time and if you look pale and unhealthy what does that mean?

A: You are in a concentration camp.

Q: What did Thomas Jefferson accomplish during his first term?

A: He greatly expanded the size of the government and ran up a massive personal debt. Because his debt was personal, instead of federal, he is considered one of our greatest presidents.

He also came down with a serious case of "jungle fever", if you know what I mean.

I mean, of course, malaria, which went undiagnosed until his death.

Q: What is the artery that carries blood to the spinal cord?

A: I'm beginning to understand while you always used air quotes when you said the word "Doctor".

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Q: How do determine the concentration of swimming pool acid?

A: Count the number of children who jump in to the pool compared to the number who climb out. If the two numbers match, the acid is not strong enough.

Q: What would a person be charged with if they lied to a sheriff who was serving them a subpoena?

A: If they pick the wrong sheriff, they can expect to be charged with about 10,000 volts, delivered directly through the testicles.

Q: What is a family recipe?

A:  Either a recipe passed down through the generations by a single family.

Or, a recipe to cook an entire family at once.

It really depends on how you interpret the title of this cookbook I found in the study of this alien spaceship.

Q: Can a mother send her child to his father if the child is put on probation for shoplifting and had been skipping school?

A: Sure. Or you could just send him to jail now and cut out the next ten or so years of lies and heartbreak.

Q: What type of weathering does plant cause?

A: As you can plainly see, it causes a serious weathering of the skin.

I knew we shouldn't have moved next to the varnish plant.

Look at the twins. They look 30. They're barely 12.

They'll never have their own show on Nickelodeon now.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Q: How do you find your family crest without having to pay for it?

A: I struggled with this problem for many years, until I stumbled upon this easy and free solution:

Find a family in your area that has a crest and proudly displays it. It helps if they have a similar name.

Steal their crest.

In the middle of the night, drug the family and set their house on fire. It helps if they don't have children, or a dog, just for the sake of your long term sanity.

Steal their identity,

The next day, pretend like you came home from a vacation and say "Oh, no. My house burned down." If the neighbors become wise to your deceit, set their houses on fire as well. They'll settle down quickly.

File an insurance claim, sit back and live like a king.

A king with a proper crest.

Q: How many children has mountain lions killed?

A: There are no lions in this part of the country, sir.

Nor are there mountains.

So the idea a mountain lion even being in the area is pretty ridiculous. A murderous mountain lion even more so.

And, for that matter, this child wasn't mauled. He was clearly struck with a golf club.

 A murderous, mountain lion who happens to be an avid golfer? I'm sorry sir. That just don't pass the sniff test.

You're going to want to come up with another alibi.

Q: What contributions has Chuck Norris made?

A: He was once buried alive in his truck but then came to, put that truck in gear and DROVE THE TRUCK OUT OF THE GRAVE. Isn't that enough?

Q: What three documents were the origin of the American government?

A: The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution and the screenplay for Forrest Gump.

Q: What is it called when voters remove an official from office before his term is over?

A: If they use ballots, it's a recall. If they use pitchforks, it's a revolution.

Recalls are usually more effective, but revolutions are more fun.

About Me

My photo
Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook