Q: How long to you have to a inhabitant of the state before running for senate?

A: It depends on the state. And on the knowledge that Senators are not chosen based on a foot race.

Q: What is the difference between Tad Tree and Dates Tree?

A: Tad looks both ways before crossing the street. Dates runs out into traffic.

Tad helps his mother wash the dishes after a meal. Dates buries the dishes in the backyard, along with his collection of erotic novels and all the G.I. Joe figures he has defiled over the years.

Tad helps old ladies cross the street and carries their groceries. Dates pushes old ladies down flights of stairs while dancing a jig.

Tad died in a hunting accident six years ago. Dates stole his identity and has been married to you for six years.

I should have said something sooner. I planned to object at the wedding, but I just didn't want to cause a scene.

Q: What year was the freedom of speech passed?

A: The First Amendment only protects you from government censorship of your speech.

It does not allow you to say anything you want, whenever you want. 

My wife is trying to give birth, sir. This is not the time.

Yes, I understand Condom Depot is having a big sale. I can understand that you are being paid to promote a product and you think we would be interested. 

I will have you know that I have never, nor will I ever, use a condom.

I have perfected the withdrawal method.

One time doesn't prove anything.

Q: When an egg it becomes firm?

A: I have no idea what that "wise man" told you, sir, but an egg cannot be consider legal representation in a court of law.

It certainly cannot be a entire law firm.

It is just one egg.

It was just one egg.

I'm sorry. I was hungry.

I found myself one egg shy of the perfect three-egg omelet and your "consul" was sitting right there.

I didn't realize you had written your name on it.

I saw the name. I assumed it was the name of the egg.

I named the omelet after him. You should be proud.

Oh, by the way, your request for bail is denied.

Q: How would you explain the saying that the best way to have a friend is to be a friend?

A: If you want people to like you and help you out, be nice to them first.

Once you have earned their trust, then you can get to the more advanced aspects of manipulation.