Q: Why has one eye gotten smaller than the other?

A: Your eye isn't getting smaller. It's swelling shut. Because you keep getting hit in the face.

That's also why you keep spitting out teeth.

And why you can't breath out of your nose anymore.

There's a reason amateurs are forbidden from competing in the Kumite. 

I guess your brother's death will go unavenged. 

No, don't try that. 

That's not the Dim Mak. 

That's the Shocker. 

That won't help you at all. 

Q: How do you think your friends see you as a person?

A: I think they see me as wise, brave, responsible, disciplined, and most of all, trust worthy.

My friends are a slow witted bunch, and easily manipulated.

That's why I associate with them.

Q: Why does Lennie blame animals for their own death?

A: There are two theories.

The first theory is that he is projecting his guilt onto the deceased animals. He blames them for coming into contact with a being as harmful as himself and thinks they must accept culpability in their own demise.

The second theory is that he is really stupid.

Q: Why is follow through used with rackets?

A: That's how we make money.

Look, I'll explain it once more time, for the last time.

We offer protection to local businessmen and merchants and shop owners and landlords. They pay us a tidy sum every week to keep their businesses safe. To stop them from being robbed, or shot up, or burned to the ground. If they don't pay us the protection, we rob them, or shoot them up or burn their places to the the ground. You see how this works? Do you understand?

You're shaking your head. Okay. I'll make this real simple. We are the criminals. We will rob these people and steal from them and hurt them unless they pay us not to do so. They give us money, cash money. I'd say that's a pretty good racket.

But for it to work, we have to follow through. We have to visit these merchants every week and collect the protection money. We can't just threaten them once and then sit at home and expect the money to pour in. We can't just set up a Paypal account and hand out our email and expect people to send us money. We have to go out there, every week, every day, and remind these people what will happen if they don't pay us.

Yes, that involves leaving the house. Today. Right now.

I don't think agoraphobia is a real thing. I think you are just lazy.

Q: Is it safe to sleep with a computer?

A: As long as you don't confuse sex with love.

Computers can not love.

That's why, no matter how many times I write it in notebooks, I will never be Mr. Ryan Braniac.

Q: What are all the gun laws and restrictions in Australia?

A: There are two laws:

1.) If you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.

2.) There are two kinds of people in the world: Those with the gun. And those who dig.

I'm sorry, those are the gun laws from The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

I never saw Australia.

Q: What is the best clothes for winter?

A: A bear suit.

Made from the actual skin and fur of a bear.

A bear that you have killed yourself, preferably by hand.

Or at least hit with your car.

Any bear will do. Any real bear.

Yogi Bear is not a real bear.

You did not kill him and skin him and fashion his flesh into a suit.

You bought that costume at Target.

The tag is still on it.

I'm starting to wonder if you are truly ready to spend a year alone in the Alaskan wilderness.

Q: Do girls like guys who can play guitar in a band?

A: They sure do.

As long as they play real songs on their guitar.

And they are in a band made up of human beings.

Your "Cat Band for Deaf People" is very clever.

But I fear the girls you seek might see right through it.

Unless you are trying to woo these pillows you keep getting from Japan.

In which case, you probably don't need to try so hard.

Q: Why is baseball equipment too expensive?

A: Players. Players.

We call them players now, Grandpa.

Yes, even the black ones.

And the brown ones.

Them, too.

People don't use the term "Nips" much anymore. It's considered a little offensive.

So is that word.

So is that gesture.

And that one.

This isn't about the generation gap anymore. Now you're just being an asshole.

It's times like this that I really regret giving you my kidney.

Q: How far back can a mother get child support in Illinois?

A: As far back as you can prove delinquency of payment.

But, and here's kind of a touchy subject, so I'll just come right out and say it.

You can't collect back support for any of the children you drowned.

I don't make the laws, ma'am.

I just enforce them.

I can't say why I choose this profession. Maybe I wanted to give back. Maybe I love chasing down deadbeat dads. Maybe I love the constant access to poor, needy, vulnerable women.

You seem sad, by the way.

How are you feeling?

Why don't we go grab a drink and talk about it?

Q: How do you get rid of small cuts and scratches on skin fast?

A: There's no easy way to get rid of them.

The scars will last forever. Even if I can't see them, I will still know they are there.

I'm going to have to start from scratch, and make a whole new suit of flesh.

Damn!

I was so close to being a real lady.

I guess I'm going to need a lot more big, old, fat women.

And a whole bunch of lotion.

Q: What steps would you need to take to get a job in Retail?

A:  There's no one right way to get a job in retail, but here are some helpful do's and do-not's to help guide you in your job search.

DO fill out your application as legibly as possible. Use black pen, or even better, type your answers.

DO NOT fill out your application in blood. No one is impressed by how legible you can write in blood.

DO try to meet the manager when you drop off your application. Shake his hand and introduce yourself while making good eye contact.

DO NOT threaten the manager. Or the assistant manager. Or the customers. Or mall security. Yes, they are not real cops, but you don't have to constantly remind them.

DO show up for your interview on time, well groomed and dressed professionally.

DO NOT show up for your interview on time, dressed as a professional wrestler, no matter how long it took you to make your Ultimate Warrior costume.

DO call upon your personal work experience to answer hypothetical questions during the interview.

DO NOT start every answer with the phrase "That reminds me of an episode of Bang Bus ..."

DO follow up the interview with a thank you note or email.

DO NOT follow up the interview with a ransom note.

DO keep trying if you fail to secure the first job you seek.

DO NOT get discouraged and begin a life of crime. There are better jobs out there than retail, such as every other job in the world.

Q: What is the best and worst pony to buy?

A: Lightning Bug here is the best pony in my entire stable. He's strong and tough and brave.

He'll ride all through the night and lead you to water the next day.

Damndest thing I ever saw. He has a nose for it, I guess.

Yes, you can't go wrong buying Lightning Bug.

As far as the worst pony, I would have to say that would be Blue McGee.

He's been dead for a while now. Even the flies are sick of him.

Q: What is the density of eastern cedar?

A: Eastern cedar is pretty dense.

Not as dense as oak, or cherry, but it will do.

I wasn't planning on having to bury so many people today.

You kind of caught me by surprise.

I usually only bury the dead.

But this is your Kill Bill 2 Fantasy Camp, not mine.

If you want to suddenly bury all your clients in coffins made of Eastern cedar, that's up to you.

I hope you collected the money up front.

Q: How many centres of gravity a body has?

A: Just the one.

Oh. I see.

When I said one, I assumed your head was attached to your body.

But it is not attached.

It's on the ground.

Your head. On the ground. Next to your body.

I guess that gives you two centers of gravity.

How do you do that?

It seems you have stopped talking.

And fallen over.

If you don't mind, I'm going to use your head like a soccer ball.

I've always wanted to do that.

Q: What is a good link to see the commercial for potty training with an upside-down book?

A: I think I see your problem right there.

The first lesson of potty training is to let gravity do all the work.

Having your boy stand on his head while using the toilet creates more work than necessary.

I guess it might make everything cleaner, in theory.

In practice, however, your boy has a whole lot of poop on his head.

Q: Who grants one person all the power over people?

A: Only God can grant that power, as outlined in his book, The Bible.

He's pretty clear about who has that power, a guy named Jesus.

You'll notice that my son is also named Jesus.

Coincidence? Probably not.

You should listen to what my Jesus says.

Unlike that wimp in the bible, this Jesus does not fight by turning the other cheek and bleeding all over the place.

He fights with the power of Kung Fu.

So, when he says you should give me your house and have your daughters service me at my whim, you better do what he says.

Did I mention the Kung Fu?

Oh? I did? Well, then. You have been warned.

Jesus, attack!

Use the Kung Fu!

Look out!

Don't just bleed all over him.

Damn.

Damn.

Stop crying, Jesus. It wasn't that bad.

And you, I bet you feel like a big man, beating up an 8 year old.

Way to go, big shot.

Don't bow. This applause is sarcastic.

Q: Where must a tennis serve land to be considered in?

A: It must land in the field of play.

The grassy area, marked by the lines.

It must land inside those lines. Inside that box, specifically.

A serve that lands in the gaping maw of the Queen Mother can not be consider in.

I am being serious.

Lower your voice.

We are all impressed by your trick shot ability, and your timing. We all agree that she was snoring rather loudly and disrupting the game.

While you are due a kudos, sir, and a smattering of light applause, you do not deserve any points.

Now please gather the remnants of your shattered racket and resume play. It is your serve.

Q: How are nuclear energy used?

A: Nuclear energy can be used to power great cites, or large submarines.

But, nuclear energy is best used to teach the Japanese an important lesson about sneak attacks.

And to teach the lesson again, a few days later, just to make sure it really sinks in.

Q: What does a non custodial parent do when he has no job to pay child support?

A: Have you ever thought about robbing banks?

The money is just sitting there. Lots of it.

And I don't know if you've been in a bank recently, but most of the tellers are old, and feeble.

You could probably take the money right out of their hands. Their feeble, old hands.

I guess bank robber it is, then.

Or, getting a real job.

But let's be honest. You couldn't even keep custody of your child.

How could you possibly keep a job?

Q: How do you know if your chicken soup is safe to eat?

A: Have your least favorite child try it first.

If they survive, eat the soup.

Don't look at me like that. Everyone has a least favorite child.

It's simply implausible that you would love all four of your children equally.

Really? All of them? Even the fat one with the harelip?

Quiet down, Fatty. The adults are talking.

Q: What does it mean when jewelry has EMA stamped on it?

A: Your boyfriend stole it from the home of Esther Mae Albans.

We've been trying to crack this case for months.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Thanks for coming to the police. For some reason people are reluctant.

Reluctant to be a hero. 

We will need that jewelry back.

And we'll have to arrest your boyfriend.

You will still be a hero.

Unofficially, of course.

Q: What happens to a bill that is introduces in and passed by the house of representatives?

A: If it's a bill that favors Republican interests, such as very rich people, we pass it along to the Senate.

If it favors Democratic interests, such as old people, or poor people or children, or people who don't run insurance companies, we roll the bill up and smoke it, like a cigarette, right there on the House floor.

What are you going to do about it, America?

We're the Republicans, we can do anything! You'll never vote us out of office for more than two years.

If you did, who would pretend to protect you from terrorists?

Q: Who is the best female saint of kindness?

A: For my money, you can't beat Saint Kelly. She's over on 7th and A, above the dry cleaners.

For an extra twenty dollars, she'll throw in some special kindness, if you know what I mean.

I mean she'll tell you she loves you when she hugs you.

I just wanted to be clear.

In the past, some people have misinterpreted my words and expected Saint Kelly to do some pretty nasty things.

Absolutely filthy.

Those type of things cost a lot more than twenty dollars.

Q: What does it mean when you dream that your right hand has a hole and white worms are coming out of it?

A: Even your unconscious thinks that you masturbate too much.

Q: Why does a treadmill track fat calories?

A: Our alien overlords want to make sure you are sufficiently succulent before the big feast.

Q: Can you say red wine reduce cardiovascular disease?

A: There is some scientific evidence that a small amount of red wine will help reduce the chances of cardiovascular disease.

A small amount.

A glass a day.

Nowhere in the research does it suggest creating a red-wine IV will eliminate heart disease altogether.

You should accept the fact that your Grandmother is very ill.

If you insist on trying to save her with your unproven, fictional, "scientific" method, at least use actual red wine, and not a homemade mixture of Everclear and Fanta.

Q: Can you get sued for calling a woman ugly?

A: The lawsuit has more to do with the home invasion.

And the assault.

And the battery.

And the rape.

Your Facebook post after the acquittal has very little to do with anything.

Q: Why do people find it weird for a college professor to give a sticker to college students on their excellent work?

A: It's not giving the stickers that's the problem.

It's what the stickers say.

Some of the language has been deemed, well, inappropriate.

You can't go around giving out stickers that say  "Prettiest Mouth" or "Most Aromatic Hair".

It makes people doubt your commitment to fairness.

But, it wasn't those stickers that did you in.

It was the one that said  "Closest in Resemblance to my Dead Wife."

That one made people doubt your sanity.

Especially your wife.

Q: What are good places to have a birthday party for a kid turning ten?

A: Chuck-E-Cheese used to be a great place, but now it's all commercial.

Not to mention the fact that one out of every three children who visits gets abducted.

It's like they don't have any security cameras in there at all.

Or so I have been told.

Q: How do you make a Christmas greeting card?

A: I take a child's birthday card, often right out of a child's hand.

I cross out all the crap about birthdays and numbers and balloons and Garfield.

I draw a picture of Jesus on the front, with a huge smile on his face, and a giant candy cane in his hand.

On the inside I write: "Thousands of years ago, Jesus was brutally murdered by Romans because of his beliefs. Today you get presents. Congratulations!"

I hand the card back to the child.

It's at this point that I am usually asked to leave.

Q: What are the Kroger opening hours on Christmas Day?

A: They're open all day!

Huh, it's locked. That's odd.

Good thing they gave me this key.

On Christmas Day, Kroger hands out tire irons as keys. It's a tradition.

One good swing ... There we go.

That's candy glass, son. All part of the tradition.

That's not an alarm. It's a heavenly choir. They're singing a new song, one you are unfamiliar with.

Now, I have some buddies on the police force and I know they love to do all their shopping at the last minute. Let's get out of here before they get here.

They're usually grumpy, having to work on Christmas and all.

We'll just grab a few things that Mom forgot to buy for Christmas.

Like ham.

And eggnog

And whiskey.

And large bags of cash.

Q: Why is National Lampoon's 'Christmas Vacation' rated PG-13?

A: Children should never be exposed to the comedy stylings of Randy Quaid.

They mightt laugh and enjoy themselves now, but soon they will find  find themselves at the mercy Hollywood Star Whackers.

Q: What is Santa Claus called in Brazil and where do children in Brazil hang their socks?

A: The children of Brazil do not have a Santa Claus. Or socks.

All they have is poverty and death and violence and an incredibly colorful, kinetic lifestyle set to an rocking soundtrack.

I know. I watched City of God.

Q: How does Santa fit through the chimney?

A: Most of Santa's belly consists of water weight, caused by a lifetime of heavy drinking.

He can control the size and shape of his belly by simply releasing a little water from his system.

That's why so many icicles form on the roofs of house of all the good little boys and girls.

And that's why the icicles smell like scotch.

Q: What could you do to make your girlfriend trust you if she doesn't trust you anymore and you're really sorry for what you did and need her to believe you and trust you again read the answers?

A: If a poorly written question doesn't work, I suggest introducing total transparency into your relationship.

Give your girlfriend the passwords to your email, Facebook, and Twitter.

Give her total access to your phone records and bank statements.

Write a detailed journal of all the ways you have hurt her and all the times you have mistreated her.

Now that she is overwhelmed with information, you'll have plenty of time to set up a new email account, buy a prepaid cell-phone and resume cheating.

Q: What does it mean if you dream ghosts are holding you down in your dream and you cant shout or move?

A: You dress very slutty in your dreams.

Q:How long is a ham good if left unrefrigerated?

A: Ham stays good forever. It's not like an entire religion was based on the fact that pork will go bad and kill you.

Q: Can rock candy be recooked if it turned out soft?

A: You can recook that lump of goo as much as you want, but you're never going to have rock candy.

Rock candy is made from crystallized sugar.

Not from stuffing a bunch of rocks into a Snickers bar.

You get an A for effort.

Sadly, we don't give out grades for effort on The Iron Chef.

Q: Does a credit card read as declined regardless weather it be lack of funds or deactivated?

A: A credit card reads as declined for a number of reasons, from overdue payments, to insufficient funds, to suspicion  of theft. It happens every day.

I've never seen it happen for a pack of gum.

That must be so embarrassing.

And with your children right there.

Are they crying because your are such a failure?

Or just because they really wanted gum?

Q: What do you need for solar power for your pool?

A: A pool. A backyard. Access to the sun.

I know you're disappointed, Gus, but I tried to tell you that Mole-People shouldn't have pools.

They don't belong in our world.

Now can you please clean your uncle out of the filter? Mole-People are trying to eat.

Q: Why won't my Hyndai Azera keep it's battery charge for more than a day?

A: Yeah, sorry about that. I've been wanting to tell you.

My father has been using your car to jump-start his defibrillator.

It shouldn't happen too much anymore.

Not after Tuesday.

He's a very sick man.

Q: What does the color blue symbolise on new years day?

A: It means that, for the eighth straight year, you:

Drank too much.

Blacked out.

Passed out.

Slept it off in the bedroom of a little boy.

If it was a girl's room, you would be seeing pink.

You don't even have any kids.

You don't even know any kids.

How does this keep happening?

Q: How can you prevent your rims from being stolen?

A: I used to have the same problem, until I discovered this simple solution.

Every time I park my tricked-out ride, whether it's at the club, or the crib, or the McDonalds, I do the following:

I put it in park.

I engage the emergency brake.

I activate my car alarm.

Then I cover the whole car with cement.

Those rims aren't going anywhere.

Q: Why is your car steaming only in drive but not overheating?

A: You know how, in the movies, they have that shot of the car driving through the fog, and it looks all cool and everyone claps?

I can't afford a high priced team of special effects experts.

But I can afford a block of dry ice. And the space for it in my engine block.

I even have the scars to prove it.

Seriously, they should tell you that you need to wear gloves when you touch dry ice.

I don't believe that is common knowledge.

Q: How many words can you make out of Super Bowl?

A: I can make the following words:

Super.

Bowl.

I can also make the following phrase:

Superb Owl.

I didn't become a Scrabble Grand Champion simply because I had compromising photos of all the judges.

Although that did help.

Q: Can an employer use email to discipline an employee?

A: You will find no better way to discipline an employee than a well-timed, strongly worded email.

Provided the email contains a picture of you having sex with the employee's wife.

That will really show him.

How else is he going to learn?

Where are you going?

Does my naked flesh scare you?

Please come back.

I'm so very lonely.

Q: Do Bears have knee joints on their hind legs?

A: Yes, they do, and in those joints lie the key to your victory.

The bear is nature's wrestler, but he only knows the most rudimentary of holds, such as a bear hug, or a single leg takedown.

He has no knowledge of, and no defense for, the more technical holds, such as the figure-four leglock.

Take him down, apply the hold and soon he will either give up, or pass out due to pain.

Either way, you'll have to get back out  there and fight.

I've wagered a tremendous sum on the outcome of this match and I don't intend to fake my death yet again to avoid creditors.

Thrice is enough.

Q: When did Jack The Ripper rise to fame?

A: Jack the Ripper earned a modicum of notoriety during the Victorian era, but did not achieve true immorality until he battled David Hasselhoff in 1985's Bridge Across Time.

Q: How do you get milk from a goat?

A: The same way you get milk from a cow.

By squeezing the udders.

Of a female.

A female goat.

Milk does not come from the eyes. Those would be tears.

Please stop squeezing my son's head.

He's not having fun anymore.

Q: How do you buy the right luggage?

A: Think to yourself  "What would the most obnoxious person in the world use for their luggage?"

Buy the exact same thing, just not in camouflage.

Q: What kind of bugs lay round brown eggs?

A: The bug you are referring to is a chicken.

I know you are a long way from home, but if you want to fit in and escape detection, you're going to have to become a little more familiar with our Earth customs.

As I said before, chickens are not bugs. Stop calling them that.

Cars don't transform into giant, bloodthirsty, sword-wielding robots. Stop attacking them.

Human beings are free to walk the land and choose their own path in life. They are not used for fuel. Stop shoving them into your gas tank.

Q: How do you get a virus on social network sites?

A: I am just as baffled as you are.

One minute I'm on Myspace, trying to find friends so that our parties aren't so sad and depressing.

The next thing you know, I have gonorrhea.

Oh well, I guess we'll just have to accept that there are some mysteries we will never understand.

All right, I'm going to the doctor. Don't wait up.

His office is open until 3AM.

He uses a lot of body glitter. That's why there's so much on my pants after I see him.

He prefers I pay in cash, in singles. That's why I always bring so many with me.

He's an odd fellow, but he's one hell of a doctor.

Q: What can you do to help your birds when the keep pulling out their feathers?

A: Invite them over for Thanksgiving. They'll get the message.

Q: Is a father considered a relative?

A: Why must you go out of your way to hurt me?

I know I wasn't the best father. I was on the road a lot, on the grift, trying to make ends meet.

I may have missed your high school graduation, and your college graduation, and your wedding. I was very busy. Long cons take a lot of work.

Even though I wasn't always there for you, I am still your father.

I know because I had sex with your mother nine months before she had you.

I still have the tape to prove it.

That means we are related, by blood, for life.

Since you are a blood relative, my son in fact, I want to give you first crack at this exciting offer.

I have a friend, a very wealthy friend, a prince if you must know. He is in possession of a large sum of money. However, he finds himself incarcerated and unable to access his fortune.

Q: Is smoking good christian practice?

A: We're starting this fire to burn witches and heretics, not smoke them.

We are trying to kill them.

We are not trying to add flavor.

Q: How do you find the speed of an object?

A: You could use a complex mathematical formula based on the distance of our car to the road and the distance of two fixed points from each other.

Or you could point this shiny radar gun at the car and press that button.

You know when I promised you that your old job as deputy would be waiting for you once you got back from Iraq, no matter what?

I may have to reconsider.

My promise failed to account for so much brain shrapnel.

Do you understand what I'm saying, Jesse?

Jesse?

Yup, that squirrel sure is fast.

I'm not crying. I'm just sweating. From my eyes.

Q: Where is the singer heavy d now?

A: He's probably out on tour, living the life of a rap star and having sex with a different beautiful woman every night.

There's no way he's an assistant manager at Rite Aid.

As my name tag clearly states, my name is Dwight.

I weigh 238 pounds, which while overweight, does not make me "Heavy."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go clean up some vomit in aisle 4.

Q: What is a holding penalty in football?

A: It's a punishment for illegally impeding the progress of a defensive player.

It has nothing to do with the warm embraces I give out on the sideline.

There's no penalty for public displays of affection. Nor is there anything wrong with it.

Come here and I'll show you.

Your skin is so soft.

I'm never letting go.

Q: How do you keep someone from intercepting your text messages?

A: No one "intercepted" that picture of your genitals.

You sent it to everyone on the team.

Under the heading "Urgent! Package Delivery! "

You don't remember any of this?

I think it's about time you checked into rehab.

You should probably see a doctor first.

Your penis shouldn't be that shape. Or those colors.

Q: What does a little lock next to someone's Twitter mean?

A: It means their tweets are secure and they must approve you as a follower.

It does not mean that they are locked up in federal prison.

Please stop holding fund raisers.

Q: What do you write on work experience if the job you worked for is no longer in business?

A: If the company no longer exists, then there is no one to verify your claims.

You can be anything you want!

Call yourself president of the company and say it went out of business because Obama's Socialist policies make it nearly impossible for small businesses to operate.

That sounds like something I heard Sarah Palin say.

The management of Wal-Mart will love it, will love your resume and will love you.

They are sure to hire you.

The need a lot of greeters during the holiday season.

Q: What makes a thing taste sour?

A: What you taste is a very special batch of Lemonex I whipped up for this occasion.

It makes everything taste sour. Then it kills you.

It's a poison. That's why there's so much smoke coming out of this beaker.

Laugh now, but soon your face smiling face will contort into a painful, deathly grimace. Then, all of Gotham will come to fear the name of Sourpuss!

And I will finally have my revenge on Batman.

What do you mean this isn't Gotham?

My GPS clearly says this is Gotham.

Then who patrols these streets?

The police? Only the police? What fun is that?

Why are there so many red dots on my chest?

Q: How did Hitler treat children and women?

A: The same way he treated men; based solely on which section of The Bible they believed to be true.

Q: Does a guy like you if he sits next to you on the bus allot?

A: His actions mean one of two things.

1.) He really likes you, but has a shy personality and needs to work up the courage to ask you out.

2.) He's very subtly trying to hold you hostage.

There's only one way to be sure. Stand up, point at him and scream "bad touch!" over and over again.

If he likes you, this will help him get over his shyness.

Q: Is urinary tract infection treatable?

A: With enough prayer, patience and a positive mental attitude, any infection is treatable.

In fact, if you pray hard enough and pleasure your partner in the way God intended, you probably won't catch anything.

Now, shall we begin the sex act?

Q: What is the name of the short stanza at the end of a poem?

A: That's a beverage list.

You are not reading a poem. You are reading a menu from IHOP.

That's why it just seems like a bunch of random words.

Q: What are some of the best ways to prevent the common cold?

A: With your own personal quarantine outfit.

Sure, you'll be a bubble boy at first.

But soon, you'll stop being a bubble boy, and become a bubble man.

Actually, it won't be very soon.

It's really hard to have sex in those things.

And they are almost impossible to clean.

No, I cannot let you out. You already bought it.

Congratulations on never getting sick, by the way. I will totally tell your girlfriend about it when I take her out to dinner tonight.

I will remind her again later while I am having sex with her.

Q: What would happen if an animals blood got in your cut?

A: You would not become a gorilla.

Nor would you gain the strength, speed and agility of a gorilla.

Nor would you develop a fondness for bananas.

Trust me.

This wisdom comes from a lifetime of experience.

A sad, wasted, hairy lifetime.

Q: What is non abrasive scouring powder?

A: It's the white powder I use to search the streets for criminals.

I crush a tablet, grind it into powder and scatter it from the sky.

I assume anyone it hits to be a criminal.

Then I dole out justice, swiftly and without remorse.

I will grant you that my process is not the most scientific.

But my motto is: Better to beat one hundred innocent men to death than let one jay walk go unpunished.

Q: Why Mormons don't have windows in their temple?

A: Are you familiar with the saying "Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones?"

Mormons love nothing more than a good stoning.

Q: How can you help people to not commit suicide?

A: Remind them that life is worth living. That as bad as things are right now, they will turn around soon.

Remind them of all the wonderful things that life has to offer, like a beautiful sunset, or a Kobe steak, or seeing a pretty girl's breasts and then having sex with the very same pretty girl who might just happen to be their best friend.

Have I mentioned that I have always considered you my best friend? And that you are very pretty?

By the way, I have been really down lately. I don't know if I can go on anymore.

Life just seems so pointless. 

Q: How do you tell if a rat is in your attic?

A: The steady stream of people from the Witness Protection Program should be a dead giveaway.

Q: How does tickling work?

A: You touch a girl's hips or ribs or feet and she giggles and laughs and soon falls in love with you.

That's how it's supposed to work.

No one is supposed to die.

Q: Can an unlicensed driver be ticketed for driving without insurance and the car they are driving is insured?

A: I'm going to need you to step out of the car, sir.

And put down the bottle of vodka.

As well as the shotgun.

As well as the baby.

Why would you be under arrest? I just want to take you for a ride. In the back of my "magical car" while you wear some of my "fun bracelets."

You can even smell some of my special "silly spray." It's pepper-flavored.

It shouldn't sting that much. You must be using it wrong. Open you eyes a little wider.

Q: How long to you have to a inhabitant of the state before running for senate?

A: It depends on the state. And on the knowledge that Senators are not chosen based on a foot race.

Q: What is the difference between Tad Tree and Dates Tree?

A: Tad looks both ways before crossing the street. Dates runs out into traffic.

Tad helps his mother wash the dishes after a meal. Dates buries the dishes in the backyard, along with his collection of erotic novels and all the G.I. Joe figures he has defiled over the years.

Tad helps old ladies cross the street and carries their groceries. Dates pushes old ladies down flights of stairs while dancing a jig.

Tad died in a hunting accident six years ago. Dates stole his identity and has been married to you for six years.

I should have said something sooner. I planned to object at the wedding, but I just didn't want to cause a scene.

Q: What year was the freedom of speech passed?

A: The First Amendment only protects you from government censorship of your speech.

It does not allow you to say anything you want, whenever you want. 

My wife is trying to give birth, sir. This is not the time.

Yes, I understand Condom Depot is having a big sale. I can understand that you are being paid to promote a product and you think we would be interested. 

I will have you know that I have never, nor will I ever, use a condom.

I have perfected the withdrawal method.

One time doesn't prove anything.

Q: When an egg it becomes firm?

A: I have no idea what that "wise man" told you, sir, but an egg cannot be consider legal representation in a court of law.

It certainly cannot be a entire law firm.

It is just one egg.

It was just one egg.

I'm sorry. I was hungry.

I found myself one egg shy of the perfect three-egg omelet and your "consul" was sitting right there.

I didn't realize you had written your name on it.

I saw the name. I assumed it was the name of the egg.

I named the omelet after him. You should be proud.

Oh, by the way, your request for bail is denied.

Q: How would you explain the saying that the best way to have a friend is to be a friend?

A: If you want people to like you and help you out, be nice to them first.

Once you have earned their trust, then you can get to the more advanced aspects of manipulation.

Q: Should you drain an in ground pool for the winter?

A: I told you not to fill it up with gravy in the first place.

It didn't attract a single co-ed.

This is why no one wants to join our frat.

Q: Can a dog kill people?

A: Sometimes. An angry, rabid  pit bull or rottweiller may likely kill someone if provoked.

Your dog is unlikely to kill anyone.

Your dog is ceramic.

Ceramic dogs can't get rabies. Or be angered. Or move.

Please stop making those barking noises. You're a terrible ventriloquist.

Q: How much should you feed your cat?

A: Feed him until he stops eating. That means she is full.

Also, trying feed her with cat food, as opposed to human ears.

Q: What is the probability of rolling a 1 on 2 dice?

A: It shouldn't happen at all. And yet, it keeps happening time and time again.

I'm starting to think that you are using some sort of trick dice, or have mastered some form of rudimentary wizardry.

Trickery and magic have no place in the world of Dungeons and Dragons.

You're making a mockery of our club.

Q: What the temperature will be in Brooklyn NY tomorrow?

A: It will range from scorchingly hot to bitterly cold, depending on your proximity to my electrifying dance moves.

I just learned the robot.

And the lambada.

Allowing me to create the Robo-Lambada.

I can tell you are getting hot already.

Q: Is the word vibration in the Holy Bible?

A: No.

Neither are words "erotic asphyxiation.'

That's never stopped us before.

Q: Does a person have any rights when a relationship ends after thirteen years together?

A: Don't be so dramatic.

Don't you think this is just as hard on me?

We knew this wouldn't last forever.

You knew I would eventually be paroled.

Q: How many people need masks?

A: Only the five men who will go inside the bank: Jennings, Korvan, Manningham, Santos and Valentine.

Ulster won't need one. He'll be the getaway car. A mask would draw unwanted attention.

I won't need one either. I'll be at the police station, tipping off the cops and collecting a handsome reward.

I probably shouldn't have said that out loud.

Let that be a lesson to everyone on the dangers of sodium pentathol addiction.

Q: How do you decrypt a thumb drive?

A: That's not a drive. You are just sticking your thumb in my USB port.

You are not transferring files. You are transferring bacon grease.

Bacon grease is not encrypted.

I should have known something like this would happen.

Your resume consisted solely of the words "IT Guy" and a drawing of a starfish.

"IT Guy" was written in crayon. And spelled wrong.

But we needed someone. So I hired you.

I thought anyone could do this job.

Thank you for proving me wrong.

Your thumb is stuck in my computer, isn't it?

Don't take your pants off.

That won't solve anything.

Q: Where are most of the crops in the US grown?

A: Somewhere in Iowa, I think. Who knows?

The best crops,  however, are grown right here, in my basement.

I've got everything. Sour Diesel, Lamb's Breath, Skywalker, everything.

Umm ... I hope that badge is a joke.

I asked you before if you were a cop and you said "No." I am aware of my constitutional rights. I Googled that shit.

You're going to have to leave now.

Please stop beating me.

Q: What happens if you fail a drug test for sports?

A: You're going to have to return all those gold medals.

You should stop handing them out to the children.

And stop posing with them for photographs.

I should have realized something was fishy when you won the shot put. Most sprinters don't excel at throwing.

It really should have been a tip off when you swept the swimming events.

The most medals won by a single competitor in one year, and they are all tainted.

I am very disappointed in you.

This scandal will destroy the Special Olympics.

Q: What causes toenails to bruise?

A: This hammer.

This hammer I am using to hit you on the toes.

This hammer I am using to hit you on the toes until you tell me where you hid the money.

Are you following any of this?

Oh boy.

I really shouldn't have let you smoke all that pot before I started to torture you.

Q: What would you use to measure how crowded a country or region is?

Q: A warning shot.

If no one runs, you are in a rural area.

If over twenty people are trampled in the ensuing panic, you are in a city.

If people starting shooting back, you are in Detroit.

Q: How long does it take for priority mail during holidays?

 A: The United States Postal Service will not deliver any letters addressed in blood, no matter how many stamps you use.

Q: What is the shiny stuff on grapefruits?

A: That's wax.

I know, it's unusual to have a grapefruit in a bowl of wax fruit.

It's also unusual to have your grandmother stuffed and mounted above your bed, but that didn't stop me.

Would you like to see her? She's very lifelike.

And now you're running away.

That line never works.

Q: What does that mean if the outgoing guy did lots of things showing he liked you but recently somehow seems to avoid you?

A: You upset him by bragging to everyone about your multi-state crime spree.

He wanted that to be your little secret.

That's why you used those aliases.

And why you wore masks.

And why he told you not to tell anyone.

Q: What did Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton serve as members on?

Q: They were members of the League of Colonial Justice.

By day, they founded a nation.

By night, they donned masks and kept the streets safe for rich, white landowners.

Hamilton was The Treasurer. He baffled foes with his mathematical prowess and incapacitated them with an arsenal of razor sharp currency.

Jefferson was The Statesman. He overpowered evildoers with his powerful oratory and fierce convictions. He also carried a hammer, which he would use to beat people about the head.

Hamilton and Jefferson formed a powerful crime fighting duo. They thwarted a number of plots against their country by English spies, protected the wealth of a young nation and bedded a great number of attractive slaves.

Q: Why does water melt ice?

A: We have this conversation every time you visit my laboratory.

That tap does not produce water. It produces nitric acid.

That's why there is a sign over the tap that says "Danger: Acid!"

And another sign that says "Not Water! Acid!"

You'll notice I added a new sign that says "Bill, Don't Drink The Acid!"

Please stop drinking the acid, Bill.

I don't have time to bring you back from the dead again. I have things to do today.

Q: Why did Victor dismiss the idea of suicide in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein?

A: Narcissists are incapable of suicide. They are already dead inside.

Q: What eats a baby crocodile when it is first hatched?

A: That's Lyle. He's always eating odd things.

It used to be chicken bone cake.

Then he moved on to bug juice. Literally, cockroaches and flies and ants blended into a juice. More of a gruel, really.

Now he's all about eating those baby crocodiles.

He eats these things to impress the ladies.

They are not impressed.

Q: What are the most important cognitive changes that take place in young adults?

A: You start to realize that adults may be simply older versions of children, and all their "experience" and "wisdom" are nothing more than overheard platitudes and marketing slogans.

You will also like The Doors for a few years, before eventually realizing that they kind of suck.

Q: Who is considered the best spine surgeon in India?

A: Um ... Wow ... This is awkward.

When that elephant trampled you, it really didn't crush your spine. We told you that so you wouldn't freak out.

The elephant  popped your head right off your body. Like a champagne cork.

It was actually pretty amazing.

That's why you can't feel anything below your neck. You don't have anything below your neck.

Oh, don't be such a baby. We only told you that you still had a spine because we thought you'd be dead by now.

Honestly, we have no idea how you are still alive.

I promise you this: Once you die, which should be any moment, we will totally use your head as a soccer ball.

You are welcome.

Q: What mineral is most common in beach sand?

A: Diamonds! Hundreds of thousands of diamonds! This beach is rich with them.

You still can't find any? 

I tell you, they are everywhere. Keep digging. Don't get discouraged.

Your mom and I are just going to go for a little ... chat. Behind this sand dune.

There are no diamonds over here. 

They are over there. Farther out. Keep digging. Don't give up.

Keep looking for the diamonds and ignore any noises you hear from behind this sand dune. Your mom and I are just rehearsing for a play.

Of course you'll find diamonds. Would your favorite Uncle ever lie to you? 

Q: How much money you get when your paycheck rise when your a police officer?

A: You're a good kid, Nelson. You have all the makings of a good cop.

But it's time you learned some cold, hard facts about police work.

We get paid to keep the peace. We prevent crime and arrest suspects and occasionally settle disputes. We also write a lot of reports.

If we do all this well, and we kiss the right ass and have the right last name, we can get promoted. With promotion comes the money. That's how we make our paycheck rise.

Despite what you may have heard, we don't get a bonus for every drug dealer we kill.

Especially when the drug dealers in question are pharmacists.

I know you took it hard when your wife overdosed on sleeping pills, Nelson. But she had a legal prescription for them. No one broke any laws. No one murdered her.

She took her own life.

Simply because she couldn't stand to be with you for another moment.

She explained it all in this note. You might want to read it. It is addressed to you.

You should probably give me your gun first.

Q: How do you make games work?

A: I have no idea. He's pretty lazy. We've tried everything.

We tried yelling at him. He just napped.

We tried threatening him. He just laughed.

We tried locking him out of his office and withholding his pay until he actually did something. He just napped.

Then he sued us. He hired a very good lawyer. It was a black eye for the company.

So, we decided to cut our losses and named Ronald Barron Games president of our company.

We still haven't figured out a way to make him work.

The stockholders seem to like him.

They consider his mumbled speeches and constant yawning "folksy".

Q: Did president Wilson lead the US into war anxiously?

A: He lead the country into World War I with unwavering confidence and unstoppable belief in his righteousness, all from the safety of the White House.

The soldiers sent to Europe to fight the war, however, were incredibly anxious.

Q: Why was it unfair for every colony to have one vote?

A: The people of New England were far wiser and more sophisticated than their Southern brethren. Luckily, they worked out their differences during the Civil War and the country has lived in perfect harmony ever since.

Q: What limits should be established prior to every scuba dive?

A: How deep we are going to go.

How much treasure we will try to salvage.

How many times we're going to pinch Jim's line so he starts to freak out and makes that face.

Q: What are editorial?

A: They are the people who decide what stories and columns appear in the paper everyday.

They are the people who control your fate and shape your destiny.

They are your bosses, the people you answer to. The people you need to please.

They are also the people you just mowed down with that machine gun.

I understand you're going through a lot right now, what with all those voices in your head and all that blood coming out of your ears, but I need you to pull yourself together for a moment and listen.

You should really starting putting together a new resume ASAP.

And you really shouldn't lead with the phrase "Real good with machine gun."

Come on, Tom, you're better than that.

Q: Do you use your cell phone at inappropriate times?

A: Define inappropriate.

Would an inappropriate time be when you are on a crowded bus and you get a call from a loved one who has lost their home in a fire and needs help?

Would it be inappropriate to place a call during your daughter's dance recital because you left her costume and home and you need your husband to pick it up?

Would it be inappropriate to use your cell phone during a funeral, even though the eulogy has been going on for over an hour and you barely knew the deceased and really didn't care for him and length of the service looks like it will interfere with your dinner date?

It would?

Oh, that explains why everyone is hissing and giving me dirty looks.

I'll take this call outside.

Q: How far from a house do you have to be to shoot a gun?

A: That's an excellent question.

Now that I think about it, we should be father away than this. At this range, someone might hear us.

Let's go out a little more. Down by those trees.

By now, you can probably guess my answer to whether or not I will give allow you to marry my daughter.

You should probably start running now.

Q: What military leader did Abraham Lincoln choose to lead the Union forces in 1864?

A: Alexander the Great.

After his advisors informed him that Alexander the Great had been dead for centuries, Lincoln chose Genghis Khan.

Once he sobered up the next morning, he settled on Ulysses S. Grant

Q: What misunderstanding did Saddam Hussein have about the US military and the nature of the possible invasion?

A: That once we found no evidence of weapons of mass destruction, we would peacefully leave Iraq and admit that we had made a mistake.

Q: How do relative sizes of the sheep and human cerebral hemispheres differ?

A: Human brains are much bigger. Sheep brains are smaller. They make better decorations and paper weights.

They are both equally delicious. 

Q: How long is flight from Houston TX to Panama City Florida?

A: Let's be honest here. You don't want to go to Panama City. There's nothing for you there.

I know you have visions in your head of nubile, college girls running around, exposing themselves and fellating everything in sight.

Those visions are lies.

Your brain is a liar. It cannot be trusted.  I'm not sure why you haven't figured this out before.

The girls there won't even talk to you, let alone fellate you. All you're going to do is make them uncomfortable.

You're not going to have any fun in Panama City.

So why even go there? Why are we evening going to bother?

You know you will have fun? That clearing down there.

That place looks great. There's grass and rocks, and - hey is that a deer?

Why don't we just land there and forget all our plans about going to Panama City. Trust me, that clearing is worth it. I hear it's incredible.

Look, after we land in this clearing, and once the rescue teams finds us, there are going to be a lot of questions.

Specifically questions about why I landed this plane in a clearing in the middle of nowhere and not Panama City.

It's important that we tell the investigators the truth: that you wanted to land here and it was by choice. Not because I got drunk this morning and forgot to put enough fuel in the plane.

Are we clear?

Great. Now, hold on to something. We're almost there.

Q: Can you convert teaspoon into cups?

A: I've only just started dabbling in alchemy. I'm not quite there yet.

I can turn ice into water.

Would you like to see that?

Q: How much Carbohydrates are needed in a day?

A: You need hundreds. Actually, thousands. You need carbohydrates with every meal. And often in between.

You need to eat carbohydrates, as many as possible, all the time, or you will die.

You know the best way to get carbohydrates?

A pizza.

An large pizza with pepperoni and extra cheese. Nothing beats that.
.
Hold on. I have to take this call ... Hello, Big Tommy's Pizza, this is Big Tommy. How can I help you? ... Okay ... Okay ... $18.45. You can pick it up in twenty minutes ... Thank you.

Okay, where was I? Right.We were talking about you and your health. And how you need carbohydrates to live.

Now did you want to get that pizza?

Or do you want to die?

Q: At what time did the huge fire start in the north of Israel on December 2 2010?

A: I have no earthly idea. Whenever it was, I was asleep.

Yes, I was asleep at noon. I take frequent naps. I fell asleep watching a movie.

The movie? Uh ... it was ... B ...ad ... It was Bad Boys ... Bad Boys 2.

I can't be expected to remember the plot of every movie I see.

As I told you I fell asleep. I keep a lot of oily rags around the house, as you can see, and they occasionally make me sleepy.

I am an oily rag collector. That's why I have so many around the house.

Come on, lot's of people have books on arson in their personal library.

And it's not like I'm the only person with shelves made out of empty cans of gasoline.

Q: How is vitamin B12 added to Marmite?

A: That's a very interesting question. Like many interesting questions, it requires a lengthy answer.

Why don't you get comfortable?

Take off your shoes. Relax.

Would you care for a drink? I have an extensive wine collection.

Umm ... isn't that tasty.

Now, where was I? Yes, Marmite.

You have such beautiful eyes. And such soft skin. And the most amazing lips.

Ouch!

What the fuck?

All this talk about B-12 and Marmite ...  I thought you wanted to hook up. I figured it was all a sign.

Who the hell cares about Marmite?

You are such a tease.

Q: Do sea lions like seals?

A: No. No matter how hard I try.

I've tried everything.

A little mood music. Some alcohol. Explicit diagrams.

Still nothing.

I've even dressed up like a seal, and tried to seduce Kyle.

Kyle is my sea lion.

He didn't like it. He bit me. Hard.

Now I'm out three bottles of champagne, I'm sick to death of Barry White, and I may have rabies.

And I still don't have a baby seal lion.

All that time I spent rescuing Kyle from Africa and shaving his mane and teaching him how to swim. All for nothing.

At this point, I really regret quitting my job at Best Buy.

Q: How do you find the maker of the wagon wheel chairs you have?

A: I made them myself.

Well, I made the chair part.

They were already wagon wheels when I found them.

I happened upon them in the desert. They were next to a wagon.

On a wagon, technically.

There was a man next to the wagon.

An old man.

He was crying.

It seems someone had robbed him at gunpoint and then subsequently murdered his wife and children.

He was probably crying because he was so sad.

On account of the murder of the his wife.

And the murder of his children.

You know who wasn't crying?

Me.

I was too busy smiling.

Smiling about my giant savings on these wagon wheels.

They cost almost nothing. He practically gave them to me.

What a nice man. I wonder whatever happened to him.

Q: What grades do you need to become a veterinary surgeon?

A: You need grades sufficient to earn the proper degree in veterinary medicine.

An "A" for effort will not suffice.

Especially when your "A" is a over-sized letter stolen from a restaurant sign.

I don't think the owner's of Rby's will be amused.

Q: Why can't animal cells survive without oxygen?

A: That's an old wive's tale.

Max is just sleeping.

Here,  boy!

Here, boy!

Who wants to play with a bone?

Here, boy!

He's a very sound sleeper.

Q: What is the snowsnake game played by Iroquois indians?

A: It is similar to the "hide the salami" game played by the White Man.

Except more spiritual.

Q: How much is panda fur worth?

A: Panda fur is worth a fortune.

A bath mat that has been haphazardly painted black and white is worth nothing. Literally nothing.

You could have at least taken off the tag from Bed, Bath and Beyond.

No, I don't think that is Chinese for Panda.

Q: Should animals have the same rights as humans?

A: I don't think so. If they did, what would we eat?

Or ride?

Or hunt?

Or lock in a cage and force to fight?

That reminds me, you still owe me $20. I can't believe you thought your cat had a chance in there.

Q: Do robots have souls?

A: I understand that you are sad. I understand that this is a confusing time for you. I will make this very clear.

Robots do not have souls. They are just a pile of plastic and metal and wires and computer chips.

No matter how lifelike they appear, they are just machines. Machines don't have souls

I know I may have said things in the past that slightly contradicted that statement. I may have said things like, "Robots have souls." Things like, "Nothing beats a beautiful, robot wife." Things like, "You should marry this beautiful robot I made for you. It, she, totally has a soul and will love you forever."

So I see why you are confused. When I told you that robots had souls, and you should marry one, I had the best intentions. Everyone in town had married a robot. We were happy and content. We thought a real woman would never love us like a robot wife could.

That's before they opened that new girl's college. Those girls know how to party. They can love us in ways our robot wives never could. And they can do it again and  again, all night long. And we never have to clean them or worry about a short circuit. There's no threat of electrocution.

These real girls are better than our robot wives. That's why destroyed them. Now, it's your turn.

Your wife is a robot. She is a machine. She doesn't have a soul.

It's time to say goodbye.

Besides, you haven't cleaned her in months and she's really freaking out the girls. Some of them are starting to leave.

Please, do me a favor and destroy your soulless, robot wife and I promise I will totally make sure we bring a girl for you next time.

Q: What was the role of the president as established by the founding fathers?

A: The President was intended to be very handsome, speak well, and have a face suitable for money.

He would primarily serve as a figure head and a target for assassins.

As the position evolved, The President was also expected to solve crimes in his spare time.

Q: What tools do Inuits hunt with?

A: Obviously, they used their Intuition.

They're called what?

Really?

It's In-u-its? I always thought they were called the In-tu-its.

Seriously, I've been making that joke for years.

That does explain why no one ever laughed.

Except that one guy. But I think he was on something.

Q: Why is your heater blowing cold air when you slow down?

A: You are just full of questions today, aren't you?

Who are you? Where are you taking me? Why do I have to drink this? Why does it smell funny?

If you must know, I've had this car for a while and the heat doesn't always work too well. That's why I where this overcoat.  Because my car gets cold. Not for any other reason.

I did tell you to wear something warm. But you insisted on trying to run away and trying to fight and kicking and biting, instead of finding a warm coat. So, who's to blame there?

You'll be warm soon. We're almost at the cabin.

No, I can't tell you where it is. And I'm not going to tell you my name. Please, stop asking.

You can sit by the fire and warm up once we get inside. I'm going to need some quiet time.

I still need to cut out all the letters from different magazines. It takes a lot of time. In the end, it's worth it.

I mean, I hope it's worth it, for your sake.

Q: How do I know when my fiance don't love me no more?

A: The wedding was over three days ago. He still hasn't shown up. That should have been a sign.

None of his friends or family attended either.

And he cancelled the band.

And he hired that plane to fly over head with that banner that said "Melissa, I don't love you anymore and I won't marry you." That was a long banner. It must have cost a fortune.

I'd say those are all pretty clear signs.

You might want to try and let go and get on with your life.

I think it's time to step away from the alter and take off the wedding dress.

The next wedding party has been waiting for a while. They've been patient so far, but I think they're starting to get restless.

Q: Do you need documents to buy a gun in CA?

A: Yes. You need two forms of ID.

A mugshot doesn't count as a form of ID.

Neither does a used target from a firing range.

Q: Is there a check list for appearance dress for success would you hire me?

A: The list varies from employer to employer but they all share one common item.

Always wear pants.

I think you can figure out the answer to the second part of your question.

Q: How do you get a price on an object?

A: You've got to guess the price. You can listen to the audience suggestions - listen, they're shouting right now. Those numbers are prices - Or you can come up with a price of your own.

If you think everyone else has overbid, you can bid one dollar.

I'm sorry. I can't tell you the price. You can't look it up on your phone either. That defeats the whole point of the show.

You've never watched this show have you?

And you're probably not even in the navy.

I bet you don't even spay and neuter your pets.

You son of a bitch.

Q: How do you show substantial evidence?

A: Usually with the help of a confession, many witnesses and a murder weapon. Unfortunately, we don't have any of that in this case.

We only have this drawing of how I think the murders might have been committed. I hope the jury buys it.

I admit it, the decision to make the drawing with an Etch-A-Sketch may have been a mistake. But the decision has been made and we'll have to live with it. Now let's go to court. We have a case to prosecute.

I'm trusting you to carry the sketch. Please don't shake it. As I mentioned before, it's our whole case.

Well, that and me pointing at the defendant and shouting "Murderer!" over and over again.

The judge usually doesn't let me do that. That doesn't mean I can't try.

Q: Does KFC alter its recipe in foreign countries?

A: Yes! In many countries, their product actually contains chicken.

Except in India, where, for some reason, it contains beef.

KFC is not very popular in India.

Q: Why are some soaps made of animal fat?

A: The film "Fight Club" ruined it for those of us hoping to making a little dough on the side selling human fat soap to upscale boutiques.

Thanks again, Helena Bonham-Carter.

Q: Why was NY Representative Charles Rangel censured by the House of Representatives?

A: In general: For being too awesome.

Specifically: For being awesome at corruption.

Q: What high school classes do you need to take to become a construction worker?

A: You can take any classes you wish; they key is doing poorly in all of them.

Q: How big is the average Chinese family?

A: One father. One mother. One son.

And the bones of dozens of unwanted baby girls.

Q: What are the main events on World AIDS Day?

A: Taking a trip to Haiti and having unprotected sex with as many prostitutes as I can afford.

Oh.

I may have misunderstood the purpose of World AIDS Day.

Boy, is my face red.

Along with several parts of my anatomy.

Q: Was St. Patrick an Italian?

A: He better not be!

On St. Patrick's day, I like my beer to be green, not tasting of garlic and full of body hair.

I do not intend to change.

Q: Why would a toilet that has been working properly just stop flushing even though the tank and the bowl both fill up?

A: I have no idea. Literally no idea.

The only way something like that would even make sense is if there was something stuck in the toilet. Something l the size and shape of a woman's hand.

But that just doesn't make any sense. As I told you, I live alone. Take a look around. There are boxer shorts on the floor and plates in the sink. It's pretty clear a woman hasn't been here in years.

I wish I could be more help with your case, Detective.

Q: Can you go to jail for not giving a friend a computer back?

 A: I hope so. That's pretty much the entire plot for my spec script of Short Circuit 3.

Q:Do eagles blink?

A: Not stuffed ones.

I don't have the heart to tell Tom. This staring contest means the world to him. He's been practicing for months.

I told him his Mom would come back from the dead if he beat an eagle in a staring contest.

And people say I don't have a sense of humor.

Q: How has Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol changed the way you celebrate Christmas?

A: After my father drinks a bottle of scotch, sets the tree on fire, has sex with the Christmas ham, punches Grandpa in the neck and passes out in a puddle of his own vomit, I shout "God Bless Us, Everyone!"

Q: Why do you smell ammonia when the air conditioner is working?

A: I don't smell anything. You should take a closer look.

Closer.

Closer.

Really stick your head in there and take some deep breaths.

Have I ever told you how attractive I find your wife?

Q: What is most important to you in your job search?

A: Finding a job that enables me to be constantly high, show up whenever I feel like it and spend all day telling people what to do. You can understand why I am so interested in becoming a reality TV producer.

Q: Does butter affect plats growth?

A: The Plats used to be the slimmest couple on the block. Then they got hooked on butter. Now they have their own gravity.

Q: Is it true stars are continually forming in the halo of your galaxy today?

A: If by "stars" you mean "cotton candy" and by "halo" you mean "cotton candy machine" and by "galaxy" you mean "carnival," then no.

The cotton candy machine only makes cotton candy when I turn it on. It doesn't work by magic, nor is it powered by the cosmos.

You cannot have any cotton candy for your voyage. Not unless you pay for it.

You should go now. No one is impressed with your so called "space suit" that is clearly made of aluminum foil.