Q: Where to buy a rebuilt car battery?

A: Here at Autozone, we sell only the finest car parts and accessories, from name brand manufactures. You won't find a second-hand part here at Autozone. Every single part and accessory in the store comes straight from the factory, complete with a guarantee; if it doesn't work, you -

- Sir! Sir, are you okay? Do you need help? Should I pick you up, or should I call 911?

I'm sorry, sir, I can't understand you. You'll have to speak clearly. Use your words. I don't understand your metallic, clanging language.

Where are those flashing lights coming from?

Why did you paint your body silver? And how do you make it so smooth and shiny?

I don't understand sign language. What are you trying to say?

You're pointing at your chest ... Heart. Is that it sir? Are you a fan of the band Heart?

No?

What is that beeping?

Heart ... Heart ...

Sir, please don't pull up your shirt, this is a family store.

Now you're pointing at the gaping hole in your chest. Heartless. You're heartless. Is that it? You're a heartless monster who will die alone!

I didn't mean to get so excited. I probably shouldn't have yelled that. I'm sure your kids love you.

Okay, sir, I can figure this out.

Sir?

Sir?

We're going to need a clean up in aisle 8. Bring a mop. There's a lot of oil.

Q: What a good thing about killing whales?

A: Where should I start?

Whales are nature's fiercest killers. They're brutal. They're relentless. They'll spend a lifetime tracking you down, through every ocean, every sea, every river, every lake.

Even every above ground pool.

No place is safe from the terror that is whale.

Not even the land. Not even your home. Not even under your bed, huddled under your bed, your pillows like a fort, a curling iron your only defense.

Whales can climb stairs. Whales have night vision. Whales know to look under the bed.

Whales love human flesh.

Don't believe me? I didn't make this up. It's all written in a book, Moby Dick.

Well, I didn't actually read it. I flipped through it one day in a bookstore near the courthouse. I was in a bit of a hurry, with a lot on my mind, so I didn't retain much of the story. But I think I'm getting the gist of it.

I did see the movie, though.

Most of the movie. Some of the movie.

I looked at the box of the movie in the video store. It told me enough. It told me it's never wrong to kill a whale. I think that's the movie's tag line. Moby Dick: It's Never Wrong To Kill A Whale.

Is that right? It sounds right.

I must admit, I took a lot of acid that day.

And I killed a lot of whales.

Sea World hasn't been the same since.