Q: What are the dimensions of a hay bale?

A: Hay bales exist in the first, second and third dimension, exclusively. Hay bales cannot travel through time.

I'm sorry to disappoint you. I know that your brother's death in that flood still haunts you, but you have to face reality: You can't save him by sending bales of hale back through time.

You'll have to think of something else, maybe a personal time machine, maybe a letter that can travel through time, maybe an enchanted Etch-A-Sketch that lets you draw the world as you want it.

I don't care what it is, as long as it keeps you occupied and out of the house. All that mourning your dead brother crap is really killing my buzz.

Q: Why does the rear glass stay dry when driving fast in the rain?

A: There is no rear glass. The cops shot out the window five minutes ago. That's why I screamed. That's why I told you to speed up. That's why Murray made that "Argh!" sound. That's why he grabbed his neck. That's why he started bleeding all over the car.

Don't you remember any of this? It just happened. Have you been paying attention at all?

I don't mean to be a dick, but is this your first day as a getaway driver?

I thought so.

Where did we find you?

I had no idea Craigslist had a section for Criminal Services. That seems like a bad idea.

Well, okay then. Here's a little crash course in getaway driving: Focus on the road, not the radio. Go as fast as you can. Don't worry about speeding, or red lights, or tailgating - moving violations are the least of your troubles. Try weaving a bit, but not too much. And, please, for the love of God, stop using your turn signals.

Q: How much weight can you lose in a week?

A: Ever since I reached adulthood and stopped growing vertically; I have grown horizontally - then shrunk, then grown again, then shrunk, shrunk more, grown again, and again, still more growing, then a large dramatic shrink ... I could go on like this for hours; let's just say that I have experienced significant fluctuations in weight over the past 20 years.

With a strict diet and vigorous exercise, I once lost 20 pounds in a week. To celebrate, I ate a whole pizza while bathing in caramel. To my surprise, the weight came back.

One time I lost 6 pounds in a day, simply by removing my soiled pants. Here's a hint: If you take a girl home from a bar with the intent of performing the sex act with her, don't tell her that story. She will not be impressed. Showing her the pants will only amplify her horror.

A few years back, I lost 38 pounds in three minutes, without diet, exercise or removing any clothes, when a shark bit my leg off. As a result of the attack, the Boston Aquarium now bans visitors from chumming the water. At least some good came of the attack, in addition to the weight loss.