Q: How many people in the US die from bear attacks a year?

A: Not enough. Not nearly enough. Last year there were 4. The year before, 3. That's it. More people die trying to catch foul balls at baseball games than are killed by bears each year.*

And that's the problem. With so few deaths each year, people fail to take bear attacks seriously. Bears are celebrated in this culture. Worshipped. You can't walk three blocks without seeing a T-Shirt with a cartoon bear, or a sports team named after a bear, or comic book featuring a crime solving bear in a suit who spends his weekends doing pro-bono work in family court.

Bears should not be worshipped or celebrated or even caricatured. They should be shot. Or stabbed. Or hit with a car. Whatever it takes.

So that you know I am not crazy, let me share a personal story. I used to have a son. I no longer have a son. He was killed by a bear. Bear attacks account for 100% of the deaths in my family.**

And yet no one seems to understand the terror of bear attack. They weren't there. They didn't see my little boy dripping honey, stuck in that wood cage, suspended in the forest, his eyes full of fear as he heard the bear approach. They didn't the bear ripping him apart with its teeth and claws, cracking his skull like some kind of giant, honey-glazed Cadbury egg. They couldn't hear his screams, his cries begging me for help, begging me to drop the camera and save him. No one saw it. And they still refuse to watch, despite all the time and money I have spent editing and scoring the video. I haven't even sold a single DVD.

What will it take for this nation to learn?


*Statistic possibly false.
** Not counting deaths by erotic asphyxiation. 

Q: Do koalas live only in Australia?

A: That's what most people think. Most people are wrong.

You see, koalas are native to Australia, but they can live anywhere, provided they have proper habitat, safety from predators and steady supply of eucalyptus leaves. They can even live comfortably in a portable cage, like the one I have here. Most people don't know that. I like to educate.

Most people think that koalas spend their time getting high on eucalyptus leaves and sleeping twenty-three hours a day. Most people are wrong.

Sure, koalas tend to live that lifestyle, but they can adapt, they can change, they can sleep one hour a day and spend the rest of their time alert, gnawing on eucalyptus and ready to strike. It helps to lace the leaves with amphetamines. It helps to keep the cage cramped.

Most people think that koalas are cute and cuddly; adorable animals safe to keep as pets. Most people are wrong.

Koalas are bears. Like all bears, they are by nature vicious, mean, aggressive and fiercely protective of their young. Like all bears, they hate to be caged.

You're probably wondering why I'm telling you all this. Well, you see, my army of koalas think your toupee is their child. The lack of sleep makes them pretty suggestible.

You should probably sign that contract now. This cage is getting pretty heavy.

Q: What do boys find attractive in girls?

A: Women are like rainbows: no two are the same and they are all beautiful.

Wait, I'm thinking of snowflakes. Women are like snowflakes: beautiful from a distance, but cold at heart. And, if you hold them too long, they disappear

That doesn't sound right either.

Women are like subway trains: Some are old, some are new, they all kind of smell funny, you have no clue who's been riding them, but, if you're patient and not too particular, they'll get you where you need to go.

When I say that out loud, it sounds kind of insulting.

Women are like bears. They're just as scared of you as you are of them. They will fiercely protect their young.  They spend most of their time sleeping and stealing food from campsites.

No. That's actually bears.

I know I had something to say about women.

Oh, yes, I have it.

All women have something that makes them attractive: their eyes, their smile, their skin, their body, their mind, their wit, their charm, their flexibility, their inheritance - for every kind of girl, there's a boy who likes them.

So, don't worry too much about what boys like. Just be yourself and sooner or later, you'll find someone who likes you for you. That's the best kind of like there is.

Although it doesn't hurt to dress a little slutty. And don't be afraid to put out - boys like that. But not too much or too soon - boys don't like that.

There is one thing that all boys will like: your desire to bring your hot friend into the bedroom for a three-way. Unless your hot friend is a guy. That's just gross.

Q: What can we do to help a polar bear?

A: You can't do much now but stand in the corner and wait for the tag. Make sure to hold onto that tag rope, otherwise the tag won't count.

I know you want to jump into the ring and start beating on your opponents and helping the bear, but you can't do it. The referee will drag you back to the corner, turning his back on your foes, giving them the chance to cheat and beat on the bear some more. You'd be doing more harm than good. You'll have to be patient and wait for that tag.

Once he tags you, then you can fight. You can vault right over that top rope like a house afire - fists pumping, knees churning, heart racing - kick some ass, win the match, raise those glorious tag-team championship belts over your head, and finally win the respect of your father.

Of course, you may be waiting for that tag for some time. The polar bear doesn't seem to understand the rules of tag team wrestling.

I hate to be the guy who says "I told you so," but I did tell you choosing a polar bear as your tag team partner was a terrible idea. A bear might be a natural wrestler, but no bear, not even the smartest and toughest one, has any experience with tag team wrestling. It's a completely different kind of wrestling, one he clearly does not understand.

I bet he doesn't even know he's in a fight. That would explain why he spends most of his time wandering around, scratching himself and letting them beat on him. He probably thinks it's cute.

And now he's taking a nap.

Might be a while before you get that tag. Might be time to start brainstorming other ways to impress your dad.

Q: What does it mean when you dream that someone is trying to kill you?

A: Your unconscious has been following your case and knows that all your appeals have run out. At least, that's what I think it means. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm a priest. That's why I dress this way. And carry this book. And why everyone calls me "Father."

Now, will you make your final confession before God? Or do you want to stall some more? The guards are getting restless. They usually execute men by lethal injection. You're the first inmate to request death by bear wrestling. As you can imagine, the guards are excited. I hear there's been quite a bit of wagering.

Q: Do bears attack humans?

A: Absolutely.

Why do you think all these people bought tickets?

And made those signs?

And are cheering wildly?

I assure you, they didn't come here to see a bear reason with a man.

You need to stop being so naive.

Now, slather some of this honey on your chest, get out there, and give these people their money's worth.

Q: What does the phrase sevenfold mean?

A: It refers to a location on the map.

Specifically a fold.

Specifically the seventh fold.

That's where we are supposed to rendezvous with Green Team, at the seventh fold.

The name was assigned when the maps were handed out, when the maps only had ten folds. The term made more sense then.

The term would still make sense if you hadn't used our map, our only map of the target zone, as a napkin.

I hope you see why ribs are not normally included in the rations.

They tend to get a little messy.

And they attract bears.

But I don't have to tell you that. You saw what happened to Kreitzer.

Q: What was the worst part of Romeo and Juliet?

A: Where to begin?

First of all, there's not one single montage in the whole story. How are we supposed to accept Romeo and Juliet falling in love if we never see them running on the beach in slow motion? Or sharing an ice cream? Or committing a series of increasingly violent armed robberies?

Second, the play contains very few dance-offs. In fact, I can't even remember a single one. Are we to believe that hundreds of years ago, young people didn't woo each other through impromptu dances-offs? Simply ludicrous. This play should not be classified as tragedy, it should be classified as science fiction. Better yet, as science lies.

Third, at no point in this so called "story" do any of the main characters put aside their differences to win a regatta, or talent show, or baseball game, thus raising enough money to save the Capulet home from foreclosure, keeping it out of the hands of greedy developers. This simply does not happen! Such a plot line is never mentioned, nor even implied. And people consider this play to be great?

And don't even get me started on the lack of ninjas. Or robots. There are neither! There's not even a polar bear who wears a suit made of vanquished foes and rules the underworld with an iron fist. In fact, there's not much to this story at all, aside from a couple of overly dramatic teenagers who seem to think the world revolves around them.

I thought this Shakespeare was some kind of great writer. Well, congratulations Bill, you wrote a  very special episode of Dawson's Creek. Not even the emotional range of James Van Der Beek could save this piece of tripe.

Q: Are deers territorial?

A: You are thinking of bears.

Bears are territorial. They protect their land. They protect their loved ones.

If they feel threatened, or provoked, they will attack with deadly force.

Deers are peaceful creatures, who tend to roam the woods, looking for new sources of food. If they feel threatened, they will run. If they feel provoked, they will run. Deers never hurt anybody.

A bear killed your sister. A bear.

Not a deer.

A bear.

You can kill all the deer you want, but you're never going to avenge her death.

I can't believe your father told you it was a deer. I don't know what is wrong with him.  He's so unstable. He's been acting so erratic ever since I left him to be on that reality show. You're not safe with him anymore. I'm going to file for full custody.

Just as soon as I get back from Vegas!

Out you go. Tell your Dad I said "hi." And tell him about your new uncles, and all the fun you hear Mommy having with them when you're supposed to be sleeping.

Let me know if he cries.

Q: What is the best clothes for winter?

A: A bear suit.

Made from the actual skin and fur of a bear.

A bear that you have killed yourself, preferably by hand.

Or at least hit with your car.

Any bear will do. Any real bear.

Yogi Bear is not a real bear.

You did not kill him and skin him and fashion his flesh into a suit.

You bought that costume at Target.

The tag is still on it.

I'm starting to wonder if you are truly ready to spend a year alone in the Alaskan wilderness.

Q: Do Bears have knee joints on their hind legs?

A: Yes, they do, and in those joints lie the key to your victory.

The bear is nature's wrestler, but he only knows the most rudimentary of holds, such as a bear hug, or a single leg takedown.

He has no knowledge of, and no defense for, the more technical holds, such as the figure-four leglock.

Take him down, apply the hold and soon he will either give up, or pass out due to pain.

Either way, you'll have to get back out  there and fight.

I've wagered a tremendous sum on the outcome of this match and I don't intend to fake my death yet again to avoid creditors.

Thrice is enough.

Q: How much is panda fur worth?

A: Panda fur is worth a fortune.

A bath mat that has been haphazardly painted black and white is worth nothing. Literally nothing.

You could have at least taken off the tag from Bed, Bath and Beyond.

No, I don't think that is Chinese for Panda.

Q: What would win a grizzly bear or 3 wolves?

A: Are you kidding? The grizzly bear will win. I am positive. He's bigger, stronger and meaner. Plus he has those huge claws. And those teeth.

Also, the wolves have been heavily sedated.

I bet a lot of money on the bear and I don't like to leave things to chance.

Q: What are three major things that set earth apart from other planets?

A: 1.) Earth is home to America, the greatest country in the Universe.

2.) Unironic use of phrase "reality TV stars."

3.) Bears have not risen up and enslaved humanity.