Q: Are visible veins hot?

A: Are they ever.

Check out that looker over there. The back of her thighs are practically purple. I can't even stand up right now, lest I scare the children with my giant erection.

And how about that doll over there. Look at those arms. So thin and veiny. She looks like she fell asleep in the sauna and had all the moisture sucked right out of her. I know something I can use to rehydrate.

Don't get me started on the blue hairs in the corner. I might not be able to control myself.

I assumed switching bodies with the old man who lived down the street would have some benefits, like getting out of school and being able to avoid bullies and having money, but I never imagined I'd be surrounded by all this  Grade-A talent.

Hand me that Vick's VapoRub. Poppa's gonna go make friends.

Q: What are the flavors of Skittles?

A: Strawberry, cherry, lime, copper, rust, toenail, pebble, baby teeth.

Those are the flavors in this bag.

I'm pretty sure these are Skittles.

The gentleman who sold them to me said as much.

They're probably a new brand.

Did I mention that the gentleman who sold me these new, wonderful, not yet available to the public Skittles wore a helmet made out of tin foil?

He's no doubt from the future, much like these delicious Skittles.

Make a note: In the future, don't eat Skittles.

Q: Is burning cheese a chemical reaction?

A: Burning Cheese is the name of my band, Dad. I've told you this dozens of times. I've invited you to my shows and played you my records and emailed you links to our reviews. We're kind of like the Dave Matthews Band, but with a tuba player, and a guy who breakdances. And another guy who pours Jolt on the guy who breakdances. I've explained all this to you before.

Chemical Reaction was the name of my short lived podcast about drug use. Despite it's popularity, it was quickly shut down, mostly due to protests about the content. Some of the local parents did not approve of my practice of conducting interviews with their pets while high. As if their pets never got high. I didn't even give them drugs. They were high when I found them.

If you'll recall, that's the same defense I used in court, right before I was sentenced to three years in prison for possession with intent and animal cruelty.

That's where I was for all that time. I was in prison. Not up in my room, listening to music and being sad.

I'd really appreciate it if you could play a more active role in my life, Dad. You never come to my shows. You never visited me in prison. You never support anything I do.

I'm kind of sick of your excuses.

I don't care that you've been dead for eight years. That doesn't stop you from going to Jasper's Intergalatic Spaceball games. And those things are all imaginary. Like Jasper.

Q: What is a penguins favorite color?

A: Judging by the way she flew into a rage once she saw that new dress, I can only assume that it's not yellow.

I've never seen a penguin so angry. Who knew they could get so bloodthirsty? And the way she kicked, like she had training or something.

Yup, penguins sure do hate the color yellow.

She didn't even seem to appreciate all the time and effort you put into designing the dress, dying the fabric, and sewing everything together by hand. Once she saw that yellow, Bam! She went after you like a gorilla protecting her young.

I guess that means the end for you two. Can't say I'm surprised. Most of us saw it coming. You two never did make much sense as a couple. You could barely communicate and you didn't seem to have much in common aside from a fear of Killer whales and a love of krill. You guys were pretty much doomed from the start.

You sure are one hard luck case when it comes to love.

Have you ever thought about dating human women, or does it always have to be penguins?

Q: How much federal money do Indiana schools get for each special needs student?

A: We get anywhere from $500 to $12,000 per year per student, depending on how "special" each student is considered to be. Unfortunately, most of our students are not "special" enough to receive any funding, resulting in our current budget crisis.

Basically, our students are just too damn smart.

I hope you understand why I had to drug them.

Luckily, they're very trusting.

Look at them, sitting there, so peaceful, eyes glazed over, drool dripping from their chin. With that many sedatives in their system, these leaders of tomorrow couldn't even spell their names, let alone ace a standardized test. We'll be a shoo in for that federal money now!

Quick, pass out these helmets and mouth guards, the people from the Department of Education are here.