Q: Is your government corrupt?

A:  Define corrupt.

Would a government, that takes millions of dollars in foreign aid and then spends that money to make a series of short films based on the President's dreams, be corrupt?

Would a government, that takes those same films, plays them in every theatre in the country, and forces all the residents to pay for it, be corrupt?

Would a government, that takes all the revenue from these films and uses it to finance a giant theme park, where rich industrialist from all over the world get the opportunity to hunt some of our poorest citizens for sport, be corrupt?

Oh, it would?

That's what corruption means?

I had no idea. Seriously. I've been defending this government for years, all over the world. In the press and everything. I feel terrible. Just terrible.

There's only one way I'm going to feel better. I need to go hunt some peasants at Most Dangerous Gameland. I hear they let you use a trident now.

Q: Do high school football players have earphones in their helmets?

A: Coach, we are a small, regional high school in rural New England.

This isn't the NFL.

You're not coaching in the NFL anymore.

You're not coaching in the NFL anymore because you developed a gambling problem, lost everything you had, got in deep with the bookies, and had only one option: Throwing the Super Bowl.

You're not coaching in the NFL anymore because you threw the Super Bowl. You benched all your starters, citing fictional breaches of team rules. You repeatedly punted on second down. You let a 63-year old season ticket holder play quarterback. Your plan to throw the game was incredibly transparent. You became the first coach to be fired at halftime of the Super Bowl.

You remember all this, right? Of course you do.

When you got fired, when you got tossed out of the NFL in disgrace, and you couldn't get a job in the NFL, or the NCAA, or the WLAF, or the CFL, or the Arena Football League, or even the Lingerie Football League, who hired you? Your old high school.  We gave you a chance when no one else would.

Would you like to know why we gave you that chance?

We had one simple motive: revenge.

We lost a lot of money on that Super Bowl, coach. The whole town. Everyone took whatever the could out of the bank, whatever they had buried in the back yard, whatever they found in the sofa, and they all put in one big pile. We bet all of it on the Super Bowl. We bet it all on you, our favorite son, the man who would never let us down. We had big plans for that money. We were going to build a knew old folks home, for the old folks. One with heat and showers and walls.

You can imagine how upset we were when you threw the game.

We've never had a wireless communication system hooked up to the player's helmets. You can't talk to anyone on your headset. It's not even plugged in. None of the players run any of the plays you call. None of the coaches do anything you say. We figured you'd notice, get mad and storm off and we'd all have a good laugh at your expense. And maybe we'd feel a little better about all that money we lost. Maybe we'd feel a little better about not having a new old folks home.

We figured you'd notice no one can hear you by now. We figured you'd notice by now. We figured you'd notice by the 6th game of the season.

But you didn't. You kept barking commands into your headset and calling plays that don't exist. It never seemed to bother you that no one ever listened to you. It never seemed to bother you that nothing you ever asked for ever happened. You didn't even seem to notice that anything was wrong.

So, to answer your question, no, the players don't have earphones in their helmets. They never have and they never will.

Now, I have a question of my own. What, exactly, does an NFL head coach do?

Q: Is it true that women are more naturally flexible than men?

A: There's only one way to find out. I'm willing to try if you are.

I have some mats over here that might come in handy. Tarps really.

I also have this book from India that might help us. It's full of diagrams. Some of these people are very flexible. A lot of these positions involved a partner. I'll be more than glad to help.

Huh. A lot of these people are naked. I guess we should probably take our clothes off.  They can be very restrictive when it comes to flexibility.

All right, looks like we're about ready to start.

Now, I just need to set up this camera.

And have you sign this release.

Q: What do you call the things sticking out of the hood on muscle cars?

A: We call those legs. Your legs. Femurs to be specific. There's not much skin left on them.

And that's not a heavenly choir of angels you hear, those are sirens. Oh, and the screams of your mother. She's pretty upset. The whole scene is pretty gruesome.

I do have some bad news:

You lost the drag race. It wasn't even close. Steve blew right past you at the start and ran away with it. You didn't even finish the race. You crashed into that tree. Turned right into it. You're not good at racing. I don't know why you thought you could beat Steve. No one beats Steve. I have no idea why you wagered your girlfriend against his car. In retrospect, that seems like a bad idea.

So, you didn't win Steve's car. He did win your girlfriend. They're making love right now. It seems like she's enjoying it.

That was a lot of bad news. I shouldn't have said "some" bad news, I should have said, "a lot." I should have said "I have a lot of bad news that you might not want to hear as you struggle to stay alive."

Sorry about that.

You probably didn't need to hear about losing the race. And losing your girlfriend. And losing your legs. I could have told you that you won. Not like it matters much anyway.

Oh well.

I do have some good news!

The police have said this is the worst accident they've ever seen. You're going to be in the papers!

Q: What words rhyme with kitties?

A: They're not saying kitties.

They're not asking to see your collection of cats. You don't have any cats there on stage with you. Asking to see your kitties wouldn't make any sense.

I know federal law prohibits me from firing anyone on the basis of physical handicap. I understand that the fact that you are hard of hearing and require the use of a hearing aid. I understand that it's loud in here, that we play the music loud.

But if you're going to last long as a dancer at The Spearmint Rhino, you're going need to learn to read lips.