Q: Where are the blow holes located?

A: This is your first time doing this sort of thing, isn't it?

I can tell. You seem a bit nervous. And overdressed.

First thing: relax. Take a deep breath. You're going to have a good time.

You'll find the holes in the men's room. Pick a stall. Can't miss them. You'll know them when you see them.

One more thing: they're called Glory Holes.

Knock yourself out.

Q; How to summarize the short story apples from the desert?

A: Start with the apples. Describe their color, their texture, how they taste. Now, the desert. Make them feel the heat, the sand, the dryness. Talk about the girl in the story - every story has a girl, all the good ones.

Remember to talk slowly, really space out your words. If said properly, the phrase "The blistering sun," could take up a a good twelve seconds of your presentation. Don't be afraid of silence. It's the most important tool of every great storyteller. And what is a book report, really, but a story about a story?

If you speak slowly enough, take enough pauses, describe the apples and the desert in enough detail, stopping every now and then for a drink of water, you should be able to kill enough time to be saved by the bell, giving you an extra night to actually read the story.

Or, you could read it right now, on the bus. But then you wouldn't have time to sniff this rag soaked in paint thinner. When you're on your death bed, when you look back on your years in middle school, are you really going to wish that you spent more time studying, or more time huffing?

Q: What is the following limit on twitter?

A: You can follow as many people as you like, for as long as you care, with any computer, smartphone, tablet or wireless device you choose.

As long as you only follow them on the internet, from the comfort of your own home.

Once you start following people in person - in groceries stores, shopping malls, comic-book conventions, at youth-league soccer games, up the stairs of their home as they flee, as they throw lamps and vases and tables and pets behind them to slow your pursuit - you are no longer engaging in a "free wheeling exchange of ideas," you are engaging in stalking.

We have laws against that. Not pretend, internet laws that result in "Unfollows" and "Defriending," but real, enforceable laws that result in arrest and incarceration.

So I'm going to need you to step away from the door, drop your iPad, put your hands behind your head and face the wall.

Yes, I do have a twitter feed. You can follow me at @ItchyTriggerFinger. Would you like to guess why I use that name? I'll give you a hint: it's not rash related.