Q: How old was Michael J Fox when he decided to drop out of high school so he could be an actor full time?

A: He dropped out of school at the age of 16. Despite his good lucks, charm and talent, most of his close friends and family members found the logic behind his decision to be shaky.

Q: Why do people usually not purchase dented cans of food?

A: Because they are snobs. Oh, sure they'll throw a lot of fancy words at you to explain otherwise. It's always "botulism this" or "food poisoning that" or "you crossed out the expiration date with a marker" but it's pretty obvious they think they are better than me.

I tell those people the same thing I'm going to tell you.

If you're too good to buy dented cans of food, then go ahead and shop at Ralphs.

I hope you don't mind walking. Someone seems to have slashed the tires on your car.

And smashed all the windows.

And set it on fire.

Thank you. Come again.

Q: What is the difference between a condominium and a home owners association?

A: A true arsonist would never ask that question. I suspected it all along, but now I know for sure.

You are an undercover cop.

Or a very bad arsonist.

Either way, you're out of the guild.

Turn in your oily rags. And your Zippo. And your membership card.

No, don't try to burn it. It's too little. Too late.

Go. Just go.

We're done with you.

Q: Who was the last President to serve 9 years as Chief Justice?

A: John Allen Taylor (b.1809) was not only President, and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court for nine years, he was also the nation's leading trapper of badger and marmot, and an occasional crime fighter who would would don a velvet suit, take to the trees and hunt escaped slaves under the name Big Red Dandy.

He was also wonderfully, amazingly, incredibly fictional.

Q: How many small fish can you have in a five gallon tank?

A: Hundreds. Easily hundreds. Maybe more. It's really only a matter of how tightly you mash them in there.

What's that?

You want them to be live fish?

Well, that changes things then, doesn't it.

You know, you really should have mentioned that you wanted them to be live fish. You should have led with it. Your question should have been "How many small, live fish can you have in a five gallon tank, sir?"

You disgust me.