Q: Did Blue Valentine win any Oscars?

A: No. But it did win 12 Ernies. That's a record.

While not as prestigious as the Oscars, the Ernies are still a pretty big deal, especially in the Midwest. Specifically, in the Milwaukee, Wisconsin area of the Midwest. Specifically in the area in Milwaukee where I live. Specifically in my apartment.

I created the Ernies to honor the best films of the year. I named them after Bert's friend. That's why they look like rubber ducks. Ernie loved rubber ducks. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford enough rubber ducks for the ceremony, so I had to improvise. Most of the Ernies are carved out of soap.

I showered a lot last week, and ran out of soap. I had to use a of the Ernies to take care of business. As a result, they've lost some of their duck-like appearance. But Blue Valentine deserves every Ernie it won, every lumpy, cracked, dirty, hairy one.

Blue Valentine won Ernies for Best Picture, Best Actor (Ryan Gosling), Best Actress (Michelle Williams), Best Director (Derek Cianfrance), Best Movie to Watch on a First Date, Best Movie to Watch on a Second Date, Best Movie to Watch the First Time You Have Sex, Best Movie to Watch While Tearfully Apologizing for Premature Ejaculation, Best Movie to Watch While You Fight With Your Girlfriend, Best Movie to Watch While Your Girlfriend Breaks Up With You, Best Movie to Watch While Your Girlfriend Throws Your Homemade Awards out the Window and Storms Out the Door, and Best Movie to Watch While Crying Alone.

It won every major award, with the exception of Best Movie to Watch While Angrily Masturbating to Pictures Of Your Sleeping Ex-Girlfriend. For the eighth straight year, that Ernie went to RoboCop.

Q: Where does the most people die in floods?

A: Most people die under the water, by drowning or being crushed by debris.

You are not most people. Somehow you found a way to die over the water. In a tree. Of joy.

In all my years guarding the gates of Heaven, I've never heard of someone dying of joy during a flood that killed hundreds of people. What made you so happy?

Oh.

I see.

On second thought, Heaven might not be the best fit for you. Here's some information on Hell. Now, you don't have a reservation down there, but you shouldn't have a problem getting in. Just tell them the same story you told me about watching all those children drown. You might want to tell it with a little less glee, just to be safe.

Q: How do you grow island?

A: I started with a simple dream: to own my own island.

After preliminary research, I discovered that private islands are the exclusive providence of the very rich.I am not very rich. Nor even regular rich. Nor even poor. I have held one job in my life, at Burger King. My employment lasted three weeks and I was fired for stealing paper crowns.

I had to devise a new plan. I decided to build my own island. As I am not an engineer, nor a God, I did not know the first thing about building an island.

I assumed all I would need nothing more than a lot of sand and a lot of time. The time I had. I could get the sand. it's literally everywhere. I assumed I would have my own private island in no time, perhaps a few years, no more than four.

I assumed wrong. Turns out islands don't float.

On the bright side, I own the world's largest supply of salty mud. For the next twenty minutes.

Q: What types of waves are found in electromagnetic spectrum?

A: As of today, giant ocean waves caused by a tsunami.

I told you we shouldn't build our giant spectrometer on the beach. People usually build these sorts of things in labs. Giant labs, far from the sea. But you never listen. And I've just about had it.

Please stop claiming to be the lost Prince of Atlantis. No one believes you any more. I was the last person. Everyone told me that you were a phony, that you couldn't control the seas, that you couldn't communicate with fish, that you couldn't breathe underwater, that Atlantis does not exist and that, if I stayed with you, I would end up, alone, broken hearted, surrounded by water-damaged scientific equipment. Turns out, they were right. I should have listened.

In retrospect, your claims to be the Prince of Atlantis were ludicrous. You're allergic to shellfish. You don't understand even the simplest nautical terms. You can't swim. I have no idea why I ever believed you. Love will do strange things to a man.

I have to leave you now. Farewell, fake prince. Never call me again.

By the way, since no one buys your act anymore, you can put on pants now. And take those little wings off your ankles. They're clearly pigeon wings that you glued to your skin. They're falling off, and decomposing. And they never really made any sense.

Q: What is the link between salsa sauce and salsa dance?

A: Salsa, whether in dip or dance form, adds an element of danger, sophistication and intrigue to any party. There's not a social situation in the world that can't be spiced up with a little salsa.

Again, the dance or the dip.

Unless your mother is involved. That always makes it disappointing.

Especially the dance.

Especially at your senior prom.

Q: How do you heal a Ripped off nail?

A: Keep the wound clean, change the bandage three times a day, avoid working with your hand for a few weeks. If you follow those simple steps, your nail will be back to normal before you know it.

But, when it comes to nail care, the best treatment is prevention. In the future, when you turn into a werewolf, you might consider staying at home to enjoy a quiet night by yourself, instead of running into town, terrorizing villagers, mauling everyone you see with your razor sharp claws. The villagers have are aware of your transformation cycle. They've been paying attention. They can know when the moon will be full, giving them ample lead time to construct replica villagers made out of stone. Those stone villagers can be murder on your nails.

Q: Does blood pump only from an atrium to a ventricle?

A: That's how it's supposed to work. In theory.

Of course, everything works in theory: Communism, hoverboards, long distance relationships. Unfortunately, we don't live in theory, we live in reality, a place where the unexpected becomes the norm, where selfish competition and laziness rule, where romantic partners who live across the country are likely to grow lonely and seek comfort in the arms of attractive co-workers, where skateboards need wheels to go anywhere.

Also found in reality: kitchen knives. Knives that, when plunged into the human chest over and over, disrupt the theoretical function of the heart. Instead of pumping blood from an atrium to a ventricle, a heart full of kitchen knife is likely to pump blood all over the kitchen floor.

There is a lesson here: the heart is a fragile instrument and the slightest interference can create unexpected complications.

Another lesson: when your wife asks if you would sleep with her sister "in theory," say "No" and move on with your life. Don't shout "Yes! Yes! Yes! For the love of God, Yes!" Don't go into graphic detail about your fantasies. And whatever you do, don't show your wife diagrams of potential lovemaking positions that you have drawn on napkins, place mats and envelopes over the years.

Q: What medicines were available in medieval times?

A: In the event of illness - any illness, from a high fever to a severed thumb -  the medieval barber covered his patient with leeches to ensure a good bleeding.

If the patient remained ill, the barber removed the leeches, then prayed.

If the prayer failed, he reapplied the leeches, restarted the bleeding and resumed his prayers.

If the combination of the prayer and the bleeding failed, the barber poured spirits over the patient's body and smacked him in the face with the Bible.

At this point, the barber had reached the limits of medical technology. If the patient remained ill, the barber set him on fire, seized his property as payment, claimed his wife as a concubine and enslaved his children as serfs.Then he would take the whole family to a local castle where they would drown their sorrow with mead,  watch knights joust, eat cornish hen, and try to forgot about the sudden death of their loved one.

In modern times, you can enjoy a similar experience by taking your family to a popular theme restaurant. That restaurant is called McDonald's.

You have to supply your own knights. And your own cornish hen. And your own mead.

McDonald's will supply the sorrow.

Q: What were the arguments against child labor laws during the Progressive era?

A: By preventing children from working long hours for little pay in factories and mines, we leave them no choice but to work as child prostitutes, flooding the market and putting randy gentlemen in the awkward position of having to chose between spending their money on an experienced lady of the evening or taking a chance and hiring a young, clean, naive boy.

There many have been other arguments against child labor laws, but none better.

Q: What feature helps ferrets survive?

A:  Some would say their teeth. Others, their cunning.

These people are wrong.

Ferrets survive for one reason only: Their shoulder mounted lasers.

That's how all my ferrets survive. I've been mounting lasers on the shoulders of my ferrets and sending them out into the wild for over a decade and I haven't lost one yet.

As far as I know. Designing, building and mounting lasers takes up most of my day, leaving me very little time to track my ferrets. But the lasers are pretty powerful. I assume they keep the ferrets safe. I haven't heard any complaints yet.

Q: Why do people not leave their kids in the car during the summer months?

A: When the weather is this nice, kids should be outside playing, not cooped up in some minivan. Also, when it gets hot - hot like today - children can suffer from heat exhaustion and dehydration. Sometimes, they can even melt.

Especially when the children are made out of ice cream.

Look, I know how much you want children, and I know that you can't  have them. We all know. We've seen the billboards and the TV ads and read your blog. But are fake children made of ice cream really the answer? How many times does this have to happen before you stop this horrible charade?

No, I will not help you clean up your kids again. It really creeps me out when you lick the seats.

Q: How much control does the president really have over government spending?

A: Not nearly as much as I pretend to have. I work in the Executive Branch. Like an Executive Officer or an Executive Producer, I don't do a whole lot, I just take credit for the work of others.

Don't tell anyone I told you this, but my position is largely ceremonial. I shake some hands, give some speeches, pose for photos, that sort of thing. Every once in a while, Congress sends over something for me to sign. Occasionally, I veto something, just to mess with them, but they take another vote and send it back over for me to sign.

I take a lot of naps.

I do, however, have a great deal of power over one small area of government spending: How much we tip the pizza guy. In your case, the tip will be zero. Zero dollars. You will receive no tip.

Next time, if you want a tip, try to get that pizza here in under four hours, and bring me a pizza without a footprint in it.

I don't want to hear your excuses. Or your lies. There's no such thing as the Noid. We had him executed in '91. I've seen the pictures. Pretty gruesome.

Q: What does it mean when you dream that someone is trying to kill you?

A: Your unconscious has been following your case and knows that all your appeals have run out. At least, that's what I think it means. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm a priest. That's why I dress this way. And carry this book. And why everyone calls me "Father."

Now, will you make your final confession before God? Or do you want to stall some more? The guards are getting restless. They usually execute men by lethal injection. You're the first inmate to request death by bear wrestling. As you can imagine, the guards are excited. I hear there's been quite a bit of wagering.

Q: What is the main trick for a dog to start with?

A: Any dog can play dead. Easiest thing to do. Doesn't involve much more than lying there, still as a rock, not moving a muscle or making a sound.

While you were on vacation, I taught your dog how to play dead. He didn't take to it at first. Couldn't focus. He just wanted to run. And play. And eat.

He loved to eat.  Only thing he cared about.

Once I took that food away, he got real focused, real quick. Pretty soon, he was playing dead at the drop of a hat. Then, all morning and all afternoon. Now, it's all he does.

Yup, your dog mastered the art of playing dead. And drawing flies. I can't take credit for that one. He picked that up on his own.

Q: How many seats does Ed Stelmach hold?

A: Right now, he has seven. Wait, eight.

Nine. He has nine chairs. He's holding nine chairs.

He has no idea how to play musical chairs. He's ruining the game for everyone.

I'm reluctant to stop him. His father donated a new scoreboard for the football field, but he's holding onto all the multiples of 7 until Ed graduates.

I had a choice: Either let Ed make a mockery of musical chairs, or ban extra points.

I chose to let Ed have his way.

Q: How much money does an osteopathic Neurologist earn?

A: If successful, and renowned, an osteopathic Neurologist can earn a salary in the high six figures. But becoming an successful and renowned osteopathic Nuerologist is not as easy as you may think. You need years of schooling, advanced medical degrees, decades of experience, dozens of articles published in leading medical trades and a sterling reputation as one of the leaders in your field.

You have none of those.

All you have is an ice-cream scoop, a hand saw and a fascination with brains.

Oh, and that creepy grin. I forgot about that.

Q: How do you convince your parents to let you get a bunny if you already have 3 dogs and live with your grandparents they're the reason why she says we cant get one?

A: You have the solution to your problem right in front of you. Let me ask you about these three dogs. Are they hungry? Have you fed them recently? How quickly could they develop a taste for human flesh?

Now, about the grandparents: Are they fit? Do they keep active? Could they outrun a dog? How about three?

These are the questions you should be asking yourself. Constantly. Out loud. In front of your grandparents. After a few days, they'll realize you're pretty fucking serious about getting a bunny.

Q: What is special about the earth that makes it different from other planets?

A: We're the only planet with intelligent life!

And we celebrate that intelligence in the best way possible: By designing powerful weapons that will destroy all the life and turn our planet into a desolate wasteland like all the rest.

Earth: Doing whatever we can to conform.

Q: What is a traditional northern New York recipe for mashed potatoes?

A: You will need:

5 pounds potatoes
4 tablespoons butter
1 cup heavy cream
1.75 liters scotch
24 cans Coors Light
salt and pepper

Bring salted water to boil in a pot. Add potatoes and cook until tender, about 20 minutes. Drain the potatoes.

Mix the potatoes with a potato masher or electric beater. Mix in the cream and butter until the potatoes are smooth and creamy. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Drink the scotch, straight from the bottle, to cope with the with your bleak existence in Upstate New York.

The beer is for the college girls. Remember to invite them.

Q: Should you pop a zit that is not fully formed yet?

A: You should never pop a zit. It's bad for the skin.

What you have on your neck, however, is not a zit, but a parasitic twin. We knew we'd have to tell you the truth someday, but my mother and I always assumed that time would have been years ago. We never thought you'd  go through your entire childhood, junior high, high school, college, law school, six years in the North Dakota State Senate, 8 years in the U.S. House of Representatives, and four years as Governor of North Dakota without noticing that enormous, throbbing growth on your neck.

It never occurred to us that you would notice your parasitic twin, for the first time, four minutes before your final Presidential debate. That's just bad timing.

So, no, don't pop it. The psychic damage would be unbearable.

But don't listen to it, either. It's far too passionate about funding for the arts. Nobody wants to hear about that during a Presidential election.

Q: Can a ant eat a elephant?

A: No, not all by himself. But an ant can eat a part of an elephant.

What one ant can do, another can do.

Say it with me: What one ant can do, another can do. You can eat part of an elephant. I can eat part of an elephant. Each one of us can eat part of an elephant. If we work together, stay strong, keep fighting, we can eat the whole damn thing. Then we won't have to rebuild a new hill every three days.

Now some of you have suggested that we move. Some of you disagreed with my decision to settle here in this elephant sanctuary. But here we are. Here, we make our stand. This is not the time to cut and run. This is the time to stand and fight. With our mouths.

I'm going to eat that elephant.

What one ant can do another can do.

I'm going to eat that elephant.

Say it with me!

I'm going to eat that elephant.

I'm going to eat that elephant.

I'm going to eat that elephant!

All right! Here he comes. Get ready. We'll attack in waves. The first wave will consist of all the adult males and unattractive females. The second wave will consist of all the attractive females. I will stay behind to lead the second wave into battle once you have weakened the elephant.

Or, should the first wave prove disastrous, I will provide comfort to all your widows and adult daughters. Whatever comfort they need, for as long as they need it.

Q: Why sound can not travel without air?

A: Because, in space no one can hear you scream.  That's what I learned in science class. That's the only thing I know about space. And the only thing I know about science.

You should know that my science teacher had tenure and had given up on teaching by the time I reached high school. Instead of textbooks, he gave us old movie posters. Instead of conducting experiments, he had us play flag football in the hallways. Instead of writing reports, he had us write, produce and direct a series of erotic short films about a middle-aged high school science teacher sent back in time to save humanity by fathering the man who would one day lead us to victory in our war against the robots. For some reason, the mother had to be a high school student. 

I may not have learned much about science, but I learned a whole lot about life. And age of consent laws. 

Q: How can you leave a reader with something to think about in an essay?

A: With details. Specific, personal details.

The more you know about the reader, and the reader's world, the better you'll connect with him. If your essay gives the reader the impression that you've walked in his shoes, seen some of his life, slept in his bed, looked through his mail and talked to his wife, the reader will be left with dozens of questions.

Such as:

 - How did the writer get in my house?
 - When did he talk to my wife? What did he say to her?
 - What kind of a freak wears another man's shoes?
 - HE SLEPT IN MY BED? SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE WAS MY WIFE?

An essay like that, built on a solid foundation of specific, concrete details, will leave the reader's mind spinning, make him question the his existence and drive him to the brink of madness.

To achieve actual madness, include pictures.

Q: Why are bacteria often used in biological studies?

A: They won't let us use puppies anymore. Or rabbits. Or rats.

This country has become so goddamn politically correct that we can't even use the homeless anymore. The homeless. Like they have anything better to do with their time.

These days, everyone has a lobbyist, or an activist, or a concerned celebrity. 

Except bacteria. No one holds rallies for bacteria. No one donates to "Save the Bacteria" telethons. No one cares about bacteria. 

It's a good thing that bacteria don't have feelings. At least as far as we know. We haven't studied whether or not they have feelings. We're going to get around to that, I promise. Right after we bioengineer a chicken that produces Cadbury Creme Eggs. 

Q: What phobia is a fear of being lied to?

A: You don't have a phobia, you're a human being. A paranoid, needy human being. Being on a Reality Television Show can be a nerve-wracking experience. That's why they hire producers like me: To help you feel comfortable.

Ask yourself this question: Why would I lie to you? What would I possible have to gain?

Okay, that was two questions. Nothing gets by you.

Seriously, though, why would I lie to you? I'm your friend. You can trust me. We've known each other almost four days. When I tell you it's in your best interest to approach that complete stranger, tell him you love him and stick your tongue down his throat, you know I'm telling you the truth.

And you know that if you don't do it, you're not going to get a rose, and you'll end up standing in the driveway, crying, while 15 other girls are drinking champagne with the man you're supposed to marry.

So, are you going to listen to me, who's never lied to you, or to your instincts, who always let you down?

Q: How can the sun be seen from earth?

A:  With a telescope.

Or binoculars.

Or the naked eye.

Stare at it while you can, before it goes away.

Oh, wait. I'm thinking of glaciers.

The sun's not going anywhere. Nor should you stare at it.

I probably should have told you to stop staring a few hours ago.

I apologize.

On the bright side, unless comic books have lied to me, your other senses will improve.

I also apologize for using the phrase "on the bright side." How inconsiderate of me. Boy, is my face red.

You'll have to trust me.

Q: How long can raw steak be left out of the refrigerator and still be safe to cook and eat?

A: Two weeks. Three if you bought good steak.

That's how long we leave steak out in my family. My father ate pounds of what you call "rotten steak" every day of his life until he finally passed away at the ripe old age of 38.

I can't recall exactly what killed him. I was a mere boy when he passed. I remember him vomiting constantly, or sitting in his favorite chair, shivering, white as a ghost, as sweat rained down his face and he struggled to breathe. I think he had lupus. Or got hit by a truck. I'm sure it had nothing to do with his diet.

So, how do you want your steak cooked? I like my medium rare - that keeps the steak tender, but kills all the vermin.

Q: What are areas of grey matter in the spinal cord?

A: Those are nanobots. Clusters of tiny robots slowly invading your system and taking over your skeleton.

As you can see on your x-ray, the bots have built bases in each vertebrae and presently will conquer your skull. Once that happens, your every action will be under the control of your tiny, robot overlords.

If you have any unchecked items on your "bucket list," I suggest you get to them. If you are unfamiliar with the term, a "bucket list" is -

- So you know what one is.

And you've brought yours with you. Excellent. Let's have a look.

Climb Mount Everest - That's out. The bots have severely weakened your spine. You won't be able to walk up a flight of stairs in a few days.

Drive in the Indy 500 - Again, not going to happen. You may not have noticed, but you don't have any depth perception. That's why you can't connect on any more high fives.

High Five the President - Strictly a fantasy at this point, for obvious reasons.

Watch a Minor League Baseball Game - Really aimed high on that one. I would suggest you do that today. It looks like the only item on your list that you might be able to accomplish before the bots take control.

Looking over your list, I see that you haven't checked off anything. What have you done with your life? What were you waiting for? Oh, wait, here's a check mark.

Make Love to A Robot

I guess we know how you got the nanobots.

Q: How do you write the conclusion to your story?

A: When I have my hero backed into a corner, all hope seemingly lost, his loved ones dead, his career as a Homicide Detective in ruins, his checking account overdrawn, his favorite slacks torn to shreds, his life in the hands of the serial killer he's been chasing for 400 pages, I find it best to give the reader a chance to catch his breath and contemplate all that has come before. I do this with a series of ellipses:
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Then I add dragons. The rest writes itself. Or, I have my son write it.

Either way, it's Miller Time!

Q: How long does it take wine to get out of your blood?

A: Depending on how much you consumed, anywhere from 30 minutes to a full day. In your case, I'm going to say about 14 hours.

You can't bleed it out of your system. That's absurd. Even if you could, you don't have time. The cop's getting out of his car right now.

I told you to take a cab.

Look, you'll be fine. Refuse the breathalyzer, get a lawyer, and  -

- Oh, dear God.

You must have hit a vein! It's all over me. Make it stop! Make it stop!

I can't wait to see how you explain this one. You, drunk as a skunk. Me, covered in blood. I hope the cop has a sense of humor. I don't think pretending to be asleep is going to help, Dan.

Dan?

Dan!

Oh boy.

What seems to be the problem, Officer?

Q: How do you attach a file to an email message?

A: You will need either a Cyber Paperclip, AKA CyberClip, which can be purchased on my website (CyberStationary.com) for a mere $49.99, or a tube of InterNet Glue Stick, also available at my website ($54.45).

Print out your document, making at least three copies. Apply the Internet Glue, or the CyberClip  to the document, attach the document to the screen of your computer, pour grape soda onto your keyboard, move your computer's mouse three inches to the left and softly speak the words: By The Chariot of Helios, I Bring You Light.

Did your attachment go through?

Really?

Let me take a look. Oh, I see what you did here. First of all, grape drink is not grape soda. You need to buy grape soda. Also a new keyboard. You ruined this one with grape drink. I'll do you a favor and go to the store to get some grape soda.

While I'm gone, practice softly speaking the incantation. It sounded like you whispered. The email Gods can't hear your whisper.

Whatever you do, don't press that button that says "Attachments." That button holds nothing but lies.

Q: When did the US officially get its National Anthem?

A: In the midst of the Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover attempted to lift the spirits of the nation by reminding them of a time when we lost battles, suffered defeat and wrote terrible poetry.

Q: How many whales get killed by getting hit by boats each day?

A: I don't know the numbers off the top of my head. I'll get my ledger.

Let's see ...

Sunday: Two whales.
Monday: One whale.
Tuesday: Six whales. I was in the zone. I couldn't miss. I even hit a whale bringing my ship back into port. Just one of those days.
Wednesday: No whales. However, two female college students. In the murky light of dusk, they looked like whales. Also, I had been drinking. Also, my wife served me with divorce papers that morning and I was in a very angry, bitter place.
Thursday: No whales. Spent the whole day drinking and watching reruns of NCIS. And crying.
Friday: No whales. More booze. More crying.
Saturday: Fourteen whales. Sometimes, there's no better way to forget your personal troubles then to get out on the open sea, drop some speakers into the water, play a loop of mating calls, and ram every whale in sight.

Q: Can you sue the state of MD for a false accusation?

A: The state of Maryland did not accuse you of stealing that purse, it was a dude in a Maryland sweatshirt.

So, no, you can't sue the state of Maryland for false accusation.

You can't sue the guy either, since you're still holding the purse, and rifling through it as we speak.

Q: What are the drug categories?

A: Drugs fall into three categories:

Drugs That Are Perfectly Okay: Caffeine, Pain Killers (in proper doses), Decongestants, Appetite Suppressants, Sleep Aids, Drugs that Cure AIDs or Cancer.

Drugs that Are Okay Provided You Are Charismatic Or Talented: Marijuana, Pain Killers (in excessive amounts), Amphetamines, A Little Bit of Cocaine

Drugs that Are Bad: Heroin, Crack, Methaphetamines, Drugs that Make You Good at Sports,

I hope that clears up any confusion.

Please note: this list is not acceptable in a court of law.

Q: Could you shoot a gun from a jet ski?

A:  I have shot a gun in the following situations:

 - While on a jet ski.
 - While making love to a beautiful woman in a hammock suspended between two Black Hawk helicopters
 - While falling backward down a mine shaft.
 - While running down the stairs of the Statue of Liberty, a rare bird in a rare cage in one hand, an antique musket in the other.
 - While ski-diving. From a Space Shuttle.
 - While leaping out of the way of an exploding limousine of the international criminal mastermind who ordered the execution of my wife and family.
 - While soaring across the Snake River Canyon in a homemade rocket.
 - While crawling out of the fiery pits of hell.

As you can see, in my career as an international super cop, I have fired a gun in every conceivable scenario, which more than qualifies for a role in your Burn Notice fan film.

I look forward to your reply, and I thank you in advance for your consideration.

Q: Do Jehovah's Witnesses baptize children?

A: No, but we do, on occasion, bathe them. We like to make sure that the children we  indoctrinate into our religion are, in fact, children, and not old Cabbage Patch Dolls covered in soot and passed off as overly shy babies.

Fool us forty-three times, shame on you. Fool us forty-four times, shame on us.

Q: What colour of eggs do peacocks lay?

A: Peacocks don't lay eggs. Peacocks are male.

I don't know what you have in that basket, but, I can assure you, they are not peacock eggs. We won't be enjoying a peacock egg omelet on our little picnic.

How could you even afford those eggs? Where did you get money?

Oh, no.

Honey, didn't you learn anything when you got those beans?

Q: What object that is red Rhymes with fire?

A: My friend Eric.

Because, you see, he is a liar.

And he's red. On account of the paint.

Oh, I'm sorry, Eric, does the red paint sting your eyes?

That sting you feel right now? That's the same sting I feel when every time you lie to me.

The next time I want to spend my entire paycheck on donuts, don't tell me that donuts have been outlawed. You know I don't read the papers! If you are worried about my diabetes, talk to me like a man, so I can ignore you and eat donuts. Don't play on my apathy toward current events.

I have a lot more paint. Cans of it. Because paint is cheap, and I have lots of money. At least until I get to Krispy Kreme.

Q: How do you deal with staff who display a lack of commitment?

A: Years ago, I faced a similar problem. My staff lacked commitment, numbers took a dive, my business stood on the verge of extinction.  I came up with a plan, a motivational tool: a sales contest. A one month long sales contest.

First prize would be a Cadilac El Dorado. Second prize, a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.

The contest proved to be a spectacular failure. It motivated no one. In fact, most of them turned against me. There was a robbery, prosecution, convictions- I don't want to bore you with all the details, but it was all rather messy.

I learned a valuable lesson holding that sales conest: Never hold a sales contest.

Now, I get my employees to commit a simpler way: with the direct threat of violence. I carry a gun and I'm not afraid to use it. I'm a very good shot. You'd be amazed how much a simple grazing will motivate an employee. I have never had a more committed  staff. They show up early. They leave late. They surpass their quotas month after month. They are simply amazing.

I sure hope this recession lasts forever. I don't know what I'd do if they thought they could quit. I'd probably have to shoot one or two in the leg, to discourage them from leaving. I hope it never comes to that. People tend to scream when shot in the leg. I like to run a quiet office, so my staff can hear me cock the hammer.

Q: How do robins pick a spot to put a nest?

A: Wherever Batman tells me. He's the boss, after all, and I serve, and live, at his pleasure, as he constantly reminds me. For a while there, my "nest" as you call it, was a bed, a king sized bed, with silk sheets and soft, fluffy pillows, located in one of the nicer rooms in Wayne Manor. That was a good time. Batman was nicer then, drinking less, he laughed sometimes. Once, I caught him watching an old episode of Mama's Family. He noticed me, and changed the channel to something more suitable, a news program, a show about finance, something more fitting his stature. But I knew, and I understood. That cape and cowl weigh heavy on head. Even Batman needs a break every now and then. 

Those breaks are less frequent now.

As you might have noticed, I no longer sleep in the house, nor the back yard, nor that wonderful fort Batman built in that old tree, but here, in the cave, The Bat Cave, high on a wet rock, vermin my only friend. Batman doesn't have a lot of free time these days, which means that I don't have a lot of free time. Always on call, always ready to fight. He's more popular than ever, in print, on screen, everywhere. He hasn't slept in weeks. He's losing his grip. The other day he nearly beat the Calendar Man to death, not for any wrongdoing, but for a typo in one of his taunting notes. The Batman expects perfection from everyone, even his foes. You can imagine what he expects from me.

But, as I said, I understand. 

So I don't put up much of a fight when he asks me to sleep in the yard, or the cave, or tells me to make my nest in the center of City Hall, to keep an eye on corruption. I do whatever he tells me. All in all, as exhausting and unstable a life I lead, it still beats not being Robin. Before, when I attacked a man, society judged and shunned me. Now, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, beat whomever I want, take whatever I want, and society rewards me, strangers applaud. All I have to do is point and say "Villain" and no one asks any questions. I'd say the good far outweighs the bad.

I hope I answered your question. Now, why don't you finish that drink and take off your clothes. Batman's going to be back soon and I am not allowed to have visitors in the Cave. If you want to do it on the Batmobile, we'd better get started. 

Q: How many kids can you watch legally in Maine?

A: In a strictly legal sense, I am unable to watch children, except through a high powered microscope, from a distance of more than 500 feet. But, I don't see any cops around, do you?

Look, lady, there's no need to get all panicked and crazy. There's an old saying in babysitting: Cheap, Immediate and Legal - You get to pick two. If you want a babysitter "approved by the law," well, I wish you the best, but good luck finding someone on such short notice. Most of the "legal" babysitters are booked for the night.

That pretty much leaves you with me, or you could go to the Apple store and pick up the iBabySitter, but we both know you can't afford that. Judging by the runs in your stockings, the smell of your cheap perfume, and the holes in your finest "going out" clothes, you can't afford much of anything.

One thing you can afford: Me.

I don't cost much. Just a few dollars and whatever cheap wine you got lying around. I do it for the love mainly, the love of children. God bless their little hearts.

You are lucky I happened to be walking by your house when your babysitter called and told you she had to cancel. Funny how that worked out. I hope she gets over that stomach flu real quick.

How do I know she had a stomach flu? I'm pretty sure you mentioned it. I think it's the first thing you said when you ran out of the house and waved me down; you shouted, "Excuse me, kind, handsome stranger, my babysitter has taken ill with an ailment of the stomach most foul and I am in need of a trustworthy, honest man, such as yourself, to look after my kids for the evening."

That's how I remember it.

The evening's not getting any younger. Your husband's been sitting in the car for a while now and I assume he's about to lose his patience. From my count, that's his fifth beer. I'd hate to see how he gets if he finishes that twelve pack before you get to the restaurant. If you want to spoil your anniversary, be my guest. I'm just trying to help.

I thought you'd see it my way. Now, before you leave, I have a few questions: Are the children of a trusting nature? And how much experience do they have on camera?