Thursday, May 5, 2011

Q: How do you attach a file to an email message?

A: You will need either a Cyber Paperclip, AKA CyberClip, which can be purchased on my website (CyberStationary.com) for a mere $49.99, or a tube of InterNet Glue Stick, also available at my website ($54.45).

Print out your document, making at least three copies. Apply the Internet Glue, or the CyberClip  to the document, attach the document to the screen of your computer, pour grape soda onto your keyboard, move your computer's mouse three inches to the left and softly speak the words: By The Chariot of Helios, I Bring You Light.

Did your attachment go through?

Really?

Let me take a look. Oh, I see what you did here. First of all, grape drink is not grape soda. You need to buy grape soda. Also a new keyboard. You ruined this one with grape drink. I'll do you a favor and go to the store to get some grape soda.

While I'm gone, practice softly speaking the incantation. It sounded like you whispered. The email Gods can't hear your whisper.

Whatever you do, don't press that button that says "Attachments." That button holds nothing but lies.

Q: When did the US officially get its National Anthem?

A: In the midst of the Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover attempted to lift the spirits of the nation by reminding them of a time when we lost battles, suffered defeat and wrote terrible poetry.

Q: How many whales get killed by getting hit by boats each day?

A: I don't know the numbers off the top of my head. I'll get my ledger.

Let's see ...

Sunday: Two whales.
Monday: One whale.
Tuesday: Six whales. I was in the zone. I couldn't miss. I even hit a whale bringing my ship back into port. Just one of those days.
Wednesday: No whales. However, two female college students. In the murky light of dusk, they looked like whales. Also, I had been drinking. Also, my wife served me with divorce papers that morning and I was in a very angry, bitter place.
Thursday: No whales. Spent the whole day drinking and watching reruns of NCIS. And crying.
Friday: No whales. More booze. More crying.
Saturday: Fourteen whales. Sometimes, there's no better way to forget your personal troubles then to get out on the open sea, drop some speakers into the water, play a loop of mating calls, and ram every whale in sight.

About Me

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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook