Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Q: How do you check the brakes on a Toyota Tacoma?

A: You could crawl underneath with a flashlight and look for yourself, or get that truck on a lift and bring over a friend and tap and poke and hope you find something, or you could just trust the guy who worked on the car and tells you that your brakes are fine.

Your brakes are fine. I know what I'm talking about. I know how important a reliable set of brakes are to a guy like you, with a good job and a nice home and a beautiful family and a lovely, lovely wife. The last thing you need is to find yourself alone on a dark highway, your lovely, lovely wife waiting at home, and you see a deer or a homeless person or a pile of old furniture blocking the road, forcing you to slam on your brakes. Only your brakes don't work and you've got a windshield full of deer or shattered office furniture, furniture that appears to have been pre-scored and sharpened so it's more like a wall of spears. And now you're dead and your wife, who by the way is very lovely, you are a lucky man, she's all alone and grieving and, somehow her grief has only made her lovelier, and she's looking for answers - "How could this have happened? Was there something wrong with the breaks or was it driver error?" - and she's worried about her future - "Who will provide for me and my family?" She turns to a man who can answer both questions, a man who had recently seen her husband's brakes and knows that nothing is wrong with them, a man who has a good steady job, a job that will pay the bills. Someone who will hold her tell her that her husband probably wanted to die, at least didn't deserve to live if he was willing to leave her at home while he went joyriding on the dark roads above the reservoir. Someone who will love her like she's never been loved before. Someone who will always care for her and never leave her fate or the fate of her family up to some stranger because he never learned how to do the simplest tasks with his hands.

This is all hypothetical of course. Your brakes are fine. Have a great weekend.

Hey, if you're ever in the mood for a relaxing drive late at night, try those dark roads above the reservoir. They are  particularly beautiful at 10:45. Go real fast. It's worth it.


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Ryan Callahan has written, produced, or directed shows for ABC, A&E, SHowtime, The CW, TVLand, Animal Planet and other networks even lower on your dial. When not making TV, or writing fake answers, he reads books, buys books, or buys books to read later. Follow WikiFakeAnswers on Twitter and Facebook