Q: How many years of school would you have to take to become a psychiatrist?

A: Many, many years of difficult schooling are required. That's why I encourage you to become an amateur psychiatrist. All you have to do is ask a lot of questions and after each answer, pause and say "And how does that make you feel?"

For some reason, it also helps if you have a beard.

Q :What would happen if some of the red blood cell were placed in water with very little salt?

A: The vampires would still be able to tell the difference.

Damn it! We have to think of a way to fool them or we'll never survive this dinner party.

I should have known something was up when the invitation included the phrase "Please wash neck."

At least we know for next time. If there is a next time.

Q: Who sounds the bugle at the beginning of a battle?

A: Generally, we pick the worst soldier to play the bugle. Unfortunately, since we are considerably out-manned, we need every able soldier to fight, even those with very poor aim, or the ones who are cowards.

But fear not men, we will not charge into battle without a call to arms. I have with me a cassette tape of famous bugle sounds.

One second, let me just put it in my portable stereo. And press play.

It's probably not wise to start with "Taps". I'll just fast forward a little bit.

Oh, that's not very heroic either.

You know what, the enemy is very close and I know you are excited to fight. Let's all just pretend we heard a rousing call to arms and charge into battle. All right then, on with it.

Q: What is the pit crew used for in NASCAR Racing?

A: Everyone on my crew serves a purpsose.

Bobby refills the gas tank.

Gus and Darryl change the tires.

Kenny cleans all the bugs off the windshield and the rodents off the grill.

Mike reminds to turn left. Always turn. You don't want to make that mistake twice.

Q: How many hot dogs are eaten per game at a minor league baseball game?

A: About 400. Generally, that's by the whole crowd, not one man. You don't need to be a hero.